Light

I used to write poems
I used to fit words into frames
That used to be home
The patterns would call back the same

Now I just write
I let my mind flow through my thumbs
And all the patterns?
They were shed a while ago,
Like leaving behind an old skin

I wash my hands of the outcome
But fear lurks like my shadow
So I turn my face toward the sun
I do better some days

I don't wanna walk in your shoes
I'll fall on the first step
What if I'm the only one who understands
That I don't actually understand?
Don't leave me out in the cold
I was just starting to grow
We make it up as we go
Just like the stories on your blog
Everything moves then it slows
I look around, did you know
That we're smiling for show?
It's okay; let it go
When I'm with him it's okay
All the nightmares, they fade
But I'm afraid we can't stay
So they come back in when he leaves
Take a breath, you're alright
Ignore the ceiling tonight
He's alive another moment
I'm praying for the light

Acorns

I spend my days graphing equations on my lifeline
Trying to balance reading literature and about early America
Washing dishes and now and then cooking dinner
Running from Landon's remote-control car
Taking random pictures of water in the sink
And my milk jug science experiment
Praying in my head about everything that hits my brain
Texting Rebekah back about her random outbursts
Writing bits on my blog-- what is poetry?
I need to get some sleep.


Count down the days till I see him again
I think I'll write a book about pirates


That's just how the days go right now

Finally

But I know there's a purpose.
I know there's a purpose Rebekah's relationship ended
I know there's a purpose I'm losing all the ones I've befriended
I know there's a purpose I still think about people that should be in my past
I know there's a purpose for the endings of the things that didn't last
I know there's a purpose for sickness and near-death experiences
And not sleeping before tests only to feel delirious
I know there's a purpose for trees in the window view
And license plates and me losing Shelby too
I know there's a purpose for staining my comforter with tears
Because I see what came from that very thing if we look back a couple years
I know there's a purpose for not being able to fix anything for Joseph
I know there's a purpose for crying on the carpet because everything is broken
I know there's a purpose for the loneliness that plagues us few right now
I know there's a purpose for the emptiness I taste inside my mouth
I know there's a purpose for misunderstandings and school frying my brain
I know there's a purpose for the wonderful things that couldn't stay the same
I know there's a purpose for Baylie walking on for miles
I know there's a purpose for the ache felt when we receive fake smiles
I know there's a purpose for the nights that we know no one understands
I know there's a purpose for so-called hopelessness, and all our ruined plans
I know there's a purpose because my God is a God of meaning and love, not lies
I know there's a purpose for my life 'cause I'm His child, and I'm still alive






And I am certain that God, who began a good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6

Eyelids

These days I'm forced to make choices that I shouldn't have to make
Everything's a chance that I don't really wanna take
Step on their toes, and here is the heart I always break
Something like guilt devours me as I see I'm still awake

I'm used to her fake smiles being aimed at others, not me
So I curl up on my carpet and wonder who people want me to be
It's not that I can't fix everything, it's that I can't fix anything
I know my life has a purpose, but it's getting hard to see

I know we'll all be close again, after everyone has died
Maybe up in Heaven they will see how hard I tried
To keep us all together and to put on my real smile
To stay instead of running away, "I love you" never was a lie

My sister gets to live actually
Makes me think there might be hope for me
But I should be studying for the SAT
Instead I write about my lack of meaning

So if I have time for nothing but school, why am I alive?
They say it's just a stage of life, one day I will thrive
I'm supposed to learn about parabolas while everything around me dies
And if I'm dead next week, it's meaningless, I never changed a life

I long for more than watching my best friend fall apart
I long for more than relationships that end with broken hearts
I long for more than me and my friends hopelessly wondering who we are
But we all long for things that are hopelessly too far

Just when I thought that it couldn't get worse
I know there's a purpose when everything hurts
But that doesn't change that last line's last two words
I know now I've never been quite enough for her

It used to be a matter of eyelids that everything was wrong
If it got too scary, we'd open up our eyes and it was gone
Then we'd find that all our terrors were just a nightmare all along
And breathe a sigh of relief as the night approached the dawn




Maybe we could go back to the way things used to be
Close my Bible up and whisper, "Life is not a tragedy"
As a drop of saltwater comes rolling down my cheek
Maybe we could go back to the way things used to be

Cement

The clouds stretch wide,
Scattered in puffs
Just like my thoughts--
I guess I've seen them enough
To think of that as I visualize
The scene from earlier tonight
Inside my head, lying in bed
But I'm back at that moment for a time
The clouds line up towards the sun
I hope to say that's what my thoughts do
But I'm afraid mine are raining a bit sometimes
Although, today, I more than made it through
Little Wynnie shows me a handful
Of old, rusty nails from the ground
As though they were perfectly harmless
Quickly, I dispose of what she found
I write your name on the cement
With a dusty, white rock
Everyone knows I love you
Yet, everybody talks

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
"And lean not on your own understanding."
Like throwing away Wynnie's old nails
I think that it finally hit me

Hummingbird

I can't stop crying
"Please stop lying,
"I know you're dying"
I keep trying
I keep trying
I keep trying


I'm losing you
I'm losing my mind, too
I don't know what to do
Too vulnerable, too--
Make it through
Another day, will you?
Maybe that will convince me to do the same
Maybe that will convince me to do the same


I can't breathe
Because neither can she
All alone, all alone, all alone
She always smiles
Is that supposed to make me feel better, or you?


Shelby, come back to me
Do you remember when I said
I pray for you every night?
I still do
I still do
I see you down the sidewalk in my head
You keep getting farther away
I'm losing you too
I still do


The same thing every day
My head hurts
Praying and sobbing on my Mom's closet floor
So my brothers can't hear me
Maybe they'll think I'm one day stronger
Just keep waiting one second longer
Just keep going one day longer


There's red on my feet
From the glass on the floor
Glass from the chests
Of all of my friends
So I'll tell you to put back the glue one more time
It doesn't work, I already tried
Maybe they can't see
The red on my feet
What about in my eyes?
It's okay, I could barely make it out in the mirror

I see it better on my Mom's closet floor

Sister, don't cry
Friends, stay alive







"Every night I ask myself,
"Am I giving enough?
"Am I giving enough?
"Am I giving enough?
"Am I?"












Last quote by Local Natives

Shoulders

She's bursting at the seams.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is he.
And so is he
And so is he.
And so am I.

It's a good thing You can handle this,
My shoulders aren't strong enough.

Resolve

I've been lying here too long
I want to be firm and resolved
I want to be determined every day
But I lack the effort, I'm afraid
It doesn't take too much to throw my mind again
I close my eyes and wander within my head
Maybe a symptom of depression, maybe I'm just weak
But when I don't understand, I don't want to try to think
It just hurts
And it's worse
That I have a billion things on my mind
So I'm caught here wasting time
Because I couldn't focus for that long after all
I can't name the chasm into which I fall
Call it anything you want
But I'm losing my train of thought
Someone keeps switching the tracks I'm speeding across
And all the evidence says it's me, but I'm lost
Because I don't remember where I came from
I think I know where I've got to get, but
I'm switching tracks too fast to get there somehow
And heaven knows where I am right now
I need resolve
I need to call
And get help from somewhere, I'm not getting it here
My train of thought is drowning in other people's tears
So I'm praying beneath the waves
Because I'm not the one who saves
"I know I need to trust You instead of staring dead-silent at the floor"
And really, that's all that I can say, 'cause I can't do this anymore

Happy birthday to my Jojo. <3