"You're painting blue on your windows because you're trying to forget it's cloudy outside," says she.

"No," responds the other, "you're just forgetting that the sky is still blue behind the clouds."

begonia skies

Here I am, on the inside of this bubble
Noticing all the things on the outside
They emerge from a dream-like state
Offering themselves as keys to my future
All these pieces to growing up

Sometimes I take one into my bubble
Just so I can examine it closely
And if I'm too scared, I push it back out
And it floats off, but it never leaves me
A needle is slowly approaching

I will choose to pop my bubble, and it scares me
I will take on these things one by one and win
My head and heart, they doubt each other, my spirit doubts both of them
I try not to step back in fear
I am holding a slip of paper in my left hand that says I can do it

wind

Nothing from my mouth makes sense anymore
Including the sobs that you see on the floor
I forgot to pick them up before you rang at the door
Now they blend in with all the scratches you see on me that you've never even noticed before
Good thing you didn't actually ring--
That must have been another thing I'm imagining.
We spray Lysol in the bathroom to get rid of the germs and the smell
Of puke around the edges of the seat, we're not well
We turn on the fans and we open the windows
Good thing the Lysol is scented with citrus meadows
Except that now citrus meadows reminds me of throwing up
And the picture of you and me reminds me you were the reason I had to start growing up
Sitting on my desk, why do I keep dusting it off?
Why can't I say screw it and finally move on?
And there are people on my desk,
You're the photo, and there's a cactus, some picked baby's breath
A piece of a bouquet, and a lavender plant, and I know why they're there
Just like I know why our fruit bowl no longer holds pears
You're turning up another song
But no part of you even wants to sing along
I promise I'm trying, despite what you read
Despite what they say and despite what you see
Despite the fact that I cry while I'm trying to sleep
Despite the fact that they think I'm here while I only bleed
Here we are, crying beneath the cross
Here we are, yelling at the walls
These shadows are not lurking, they're tearing at our ankles
Her stomach is still turning, I pray she still believes in miracles
The words in my heart aren't words
They're sunsets and thunder and flowers and birds
They're screaming at ceilings and not feeling heard
They're opening eyes to find your vision's blurred
I see a little sister with her palms to the sky
I see Mom on the phone with tears in her eyes
I see chemistry problems with no reason why
I see kids in my church who wish they could die
Some people have nerve enough to say that I'm blind
But if they would finally say things to my face, I'm not sure I'd even fight
This is all some demented attack on my pride
Which I'm attacking myself, it's hard to know what's still inside
I stare at my mirror for minutes at a time
After putting on my pajamas, I look into my eyes
Questioning all the methods I have to survive
And for a moment, I'm being pushed into the pool by Nick
And for a moment, I'm getting into their car to see Iron Man 3
And for a moment, I'm at that red light with Dad
And for a moment, Joseph first walks up to ask to dance with me
For a moment, I'm circling the baseball field with Nick and Ryan
For a moment, I'm dissecting a fish in Baylie's kitchen
For a moment, Alex is giving Rebekah a key to wear around her neck
For a moment, Ethan tells me his feelings for a girl and I listen
For a moment, I'm walking through a field with Hannah
For a moment, Isaac's on his scooter by my side
For a moment, Joseph texts me while he's on his way to Journey
For a moment, Walter Mitty's over, and I'm staring at the sky
For a moment, Shelby's writing a note inside my journal
For a moment, Facebook's blowing up with her picture
For a moment, squad is over and we're playing charades
For a moment, Rebekah's working and I'm telling Mom I miss her
I'm talking on the Prdas' roof with all of my girls
I'm taking a prom pic of Rebekah and Alex, and Ethan jumps in for the rest
I'm in her room while she's at work, reading her journal she's writing to him
Joseph and I are sobbing on the treehouse deck
For a moment, people are glancing over at me during lunchtime at the Ranch
For a moment, Grace tells me holding a puppy will cheer me up
For a moment, I can't get three months out of my head
For a moment, I'm telling the shower walls that I am not enough
For a moment, I'm telling Mom that I need to see mountains
For a moment, Mom is praying in the car with the Vike girls and me
For a moment, all the flowers make no difference in the room
For a moment, I'm drinking a Coke inside of her RV
For a moment, I'm on a bus and I am far away from home
For a moment, I'm gazing at a girl in blue at prom
For a moment, I'm retracing every word she's ever said
For a moment, I'm sitting on the floor inside the hall

Then it's gone.

And all I'm left with is this mirror and my reflection
After all these years of life, my heart has changed with my complexion
I've made it through another year
I've made it through another day
My heart is bursting with thoughts and images
But I can't find anything to say
There's so much more inside,
But I can't see it all
All I know is I'm alive
And my bathroom smells of Lysol.

the seas

I wonder where we're all gonna go
As we jump in the lights to the beat of the night
This isn't forever, nothing is forever
And everything recently has made me think twice

I wonder who we're all gonna be
I wonder how easy it'll be to forget me
For I won't forget any of them
I don't want the time to come when it's time for them to leave

I wonder why we all know each other
How this impacts the rest of our lives
How we were inspired, how we learned our lessons
How we kept going, and who made us try

I wonder where we're all gonna go
But at least I know where we'll all someday be
So if next year is the last, I'll see you upstairs
But in the meantime, we travel the seas

I don't wanna sound like
I'm on repeat
I know that it sounds like
It might seem weak
Been through too much,
I know it ain't easy
To look at my face,
It's difficult when you see things






NF

Oh, the movie never ends,
It goes on and on and on and on











Journey

hole

So if the sky is raining blood,
Could you tell me how to cope with that?
And if I could avoid the flood,
Can you teach me how to hope for that?
Because more floors are made of glass
Than I thought five months ago
I can't even be caught up with the past
When the present's a bottomless hole
My heart in my stomach
My stomach in my head
My dreams in the trash
My nightmares in my bed
All of this time,
I know that You've kept her
But how much can we take
In just one semester?