sleepyhead

"And don't go to bed yet, love, 

"I think it's too early,

"And we just need a little time to ourselves"

Well it took me long enough to realize that I'm suffocating

Occasional paralysis that steals my breath and destroys my lungs

And I wonder why, just like the fool that I am, hating every one of my songs

It's because he's gone, it's because he's gone

And college is a wonderful place to move on

But what if you're stuck in a messy room, the one your dad keeps telling you to clean?

And I should be alright 'cause I'm bloody eighteen

But here I am, trapped in the cycles of high school drama

With nothing for my mind to drill upon but your absence 

Well, I promise I'll get better

I will clean up this room 

I will be brave and strong

I will sleep well

I will stop thinking about people who are gone

And I will grow up to be everything that I need to be

And I will fully support all the people who need me

My pillowcase will be free of any tear stains

I will be independent and I will be the definition of okay

I will be a woman who can figure things out just in time

I will mature and learn how to do something with my life

But just not tonight,

Just not tonight

infinity

so speaking of dreams
do you remember what you promised me?
I choke on the words that weren't mine
I scrape my skin off along with all those days you weren't fine

it bleeds into my brain
all of those things I didn't say, all of those
times I couldn't be there and all along
I tried to tell myself it was unfair, what you asked of me
but I kill myself in my sleep

does it hurt when you remember
that I was born in September?
like it hurts any time I remember being gone for your birthday
do you read my old letters, and if so, what did they say?
I can't remember
I can't remember

"I love you to the moon and back,"
"I love you to infinity and beyond"
I get just a little dizzy if I keep thinking of our songs
only half of me's telling me it wasn't my fault

so there's nothing new to say
I have to tell you I honestly prayed
well I should have seen this coming
infinity was always longer anyway

the memories creep in again

through Death Cab for Cutie songs and September air

I want to tell someone it's not fair, but

should it even be me?

I open my phone to discover

if there was a day to cry about it, today's the day

but the tears do nothing but evade

I curse them for stumbling upon me during homework

I hate making this about myself, because it isn't

but I just can't stop thinking of all those dreams we had

crossing our fingers, it couldn't be that bad

something always escapes

fight

Well I consistently hate goodbyes, but that's
As far as my consistence goes
How do I give up my naivety when that's
All I've ever known?
People always lose it but I
Still want to believe
I have mixed feelings for your college 'cause it's
Stolen you from me

At least you give me a proper goodbye
When I know I'll see you again in a while
Because the goodbye left by them was not even mine
When I'll never have them again throughout all of time

I feel the pressure sinking in, I
Hear it in my skull
That where there was once a place for me in
Their hearts now is full
It makes me sick to think about, I
Feel it in my head
That when I want to try harder, I
Fall apart instead

You have to fight for what you want
You cannot wait for things to change
You have to find out what you need
You have to take it by the reigns

You're not allowed to stand and watch
While hearts will fall away from you
So wear those legs out, destroy those lungs
While you pay the price it takes for two

When I grow up
I will be strong enough to carry all the
Heavy things you have to haul around with you
When you're a grown-up

And when I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
The ones you have to fight beneath the bed each night
To be a grown-up







Matilda

As a bird

There was a cold breeze tonight
I know that things are getting better but I
Can't help but think of how things used to be
Running into sunsets and climbing up trees
In a way, nothing has changed
But I won't kid myself that a lot of things have
I've been stuck in the middle for a while now
Weighing the good and bad
But I still climb trees
And I still sing
About the world I continue to dream
And I still believe
In magic and things
That we can't explain because they're too far
It's surreal this year
I don't know what to think
The paradox was running free
The day Wendy Darling turned eighteen