Mute.

No one else is dealing with my demons
And yet I fight for validation
Block it out just for protection
Push it off til last confessions
Gosh, I don't know what I'm doing
Maybe I'm just barely hoping
That if I transform my petty angst into rhymes
Then maybe now it'll mean something
But they don't know what I mean
And words are not what they seem
When they're pathetically overused by others
A sentence is different to you and to me
But I get to a point where there's nothing left to write
Even though everything's still here
I've said all that I can say for now
And there's no one left to hear

Tonight

Maybe there's
A span in time when
We feel we're neither nor
Not wanting to go back again
And
Not wanting to go forward



Tyler Joseph

Closed

She doesn't understand
There's stuff I've got to block out
There's blood I've got to dry up
With the music I play

Yeah, that would bother me too
Someone trying to block stuff out
By playing the same songs on repeat
Every single day

I am not some sympathetic idiot who will tell you anything in order to make you feel okay.
I am strong enough to tell you that things will get better.

 I hope you realize she's my sister
And I will defend her until my dying breath

reaching

You ponder the tears

That would fall on your grave

Friend, you don't wanna die

You wanna be saved

If you're just a dream
Please don't wake me up

Lady Blue

Round and round we go
She won't stay dead



As Cities Burn

One.

I can play only one role in your life.
I cannot control other characters in your story.  I cannot make people pay more attention to you, or less, for that matter.  I cannot make them like you, respect you, or give you what you want.  I cannot fill the roles that should be filled, need to be filled in the future, or should have been filled a long time ago.  I cannot ensure that your friends won't stab you in the back.  I cannot make your siblings see your side.  I cannot force people to show up when you need them to.
I can play only one role in your life.
I am one heart, one voice, one set of eyes, one pair of hands, one character, one personality, one thought in your story.  And a thousand wishes to fill all the roles for you.
But I can fill only one.
There are people that want to use me to fill more roles than I'm able-- they expect me to be more than I am, to do more than I can.  A lot of the time it's simply because so many other people have failed to play the role they needed to in this person's life.
On the other side of this, there are some people for whom I wish I could be everyone.  Wish I could love them like their parents could, be there for them like three friends could, catch them like a lover could.  Heal them like God could.
It involves trust, this mess of mine.  Trust that God's timing is secure in other people's lives.  He will take care of them.  He is the hero.  I am not.
I will only fill one role.  I cannot be there for you always like I desperately want to.  I am not strong enough, not wise enough, not helpful enough, don't have enough time.  I am just one.
I. Am. Just. One.
I have a single role.  Whether I am the daughter, the classmate, the girl you pass in the street, the cousin, the babysitter, the funny kid, the person who threw your trash away, the girl you nerd out with about British TV shows, the sister, the best friend, the niece, the acquaintance you see once in a while, the counsellor, the lover, the person who understands you...
I will never be anyone's everything.  I only get one role to fill for every person I meet.  All I can do is fill it the best I possibly can.

Post about it on your blog, Emily, maybe that'll help.

The trunk of the car is open
I load it up with a cooler
You stand by the side
And both of us try to think
Of something to say

I'm fighting to get out the words
There's something inside us that hurts
But we've never spoken or heard
The other mouth speak of the worst

I'm trying to say it

"You can ask me anything you want. And I will answer you."

Mouth Shut

Stuck in a cycle of
Bad dreams
Faces I can't
Bear to see
Sets of eyes are
Killing me
I don't wanna
Go to sleep

Bullets and Birds

And I look across the lobby
(His mother is crying)
My mother is comforting his
The rest of my family left
I linger
(I avoid eye-contact)
He wanders through the people
I want to talk to him
(Almost)
To make sure he's okay
(He's not)
But I can't
(Could)
I wonder
And wonder
He has a grandfather who killed himself
Nine months ago
(Don't tell)
Never really
Looks okay
Still jokes around
Sounds familiar
Makes me think about the past few months
(Like camp)
Maybe I could have helped
(I turned him down)
I don't regret it
I just worry
Yet still I am
(Don't)
Prone to feel
(Be)
Guilt.
(Gone.)

head

Well, I don't have a song
But I have time
Too much
For once

Nothing to play
But maybe if I hold it
I'll feel better

Confidence..

All the stories I never wrote
Putting holes inside my boat

"Look at the sky."

The paper bells hanging from my ceiling fan
Look like Heaven when I open my eyes
I sigh
And thank God it wasn't real

Chasing your dreams since the violent fifth grade
Trying to believe in your silent own way



Mat Kearney 

Iron Glass

I keep telling you things will get better
But they won't.
I'll get better
I'll try harder
I'll be stronger
I'll go farther
All of it is up to me
With this level of effort,
I have to sleep


"After all these years, Emily... you're still trying to be enough?"

"Yep, I certainly am."

"Shhh," she comforted the baby softly.  "It's alright.  Just because big sister is crying, doesn't mean you have to cry too."

Again. Again. Again.

There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain,
Break every chain,
Break. Every. Chain.

He's only ten..

"What's that book about?"
"Oh, well, it's about these kids during the Reformation."
"Oh yeah? That's cool!" I say.
"Yeah."
...
"One of these characters reminds me of you kinda," he began.
"How so?"
"Well, he's Martin Luther's son, and he feels a lot of pressure, like people are expecting him to be as great as Martin Luther."
"That reminds you of me, huh?"
"Yeah-- well, I don't mean offense, but you know. Just because you feel like people expect too much from you."

Years

Waking up with my arm stretched over the floor 'neath my bed
Because in my dream I was (desperately) reaching for you
How strange that an arm could move based off of what's in your head
How strange that a heart acts on things that your head never knew

I'm

Random strikes of light remind me of what is true
But right now the ocean's blacker than black and the sky
Is, too

trying

I know I'll never understand you
But if you think for a moment you understand me..
Don't wanna be rude, just telling the truth
You just might have another thing coming
I had to climb over writer's block this time
There was a little too much to just keep inside
And wait for a spark or something to inspire
Had to go and do it myself, had to breathe my own fire
Just to talk about it on a page
The thousand and one things that keep me awake
Except I'm not
I've been sleeping better, in case you forgot
I wasn't doing too well, and even though I've still lost it
I sleep a bit better because daytime leaves me exhausted
But here I am still typing
Because fifty sides are fighting
And I am not just surviving
This time I am trying
I wanna be stronger than this
But I'm not, so I'm just gonna get over it
You keep pulling keep pushing keep getting up again
Endurance or not, friend or no friend
And yet I'm barely hanging on
Barely make it through each day
And every week there's something new
And there's nothing left to say
But believe it or not,
They aim it all at me sometimes
You think I'm making up my problems?
You think I have that much time?
One step before the next
Till I hit the note
Afraid to hope
But I don't wanna let go
My only faith is in what You see
I do not trust these human eyes
So I'm hoping for tomorrow
And I shut them, closing tight
I don't mean to rant
This isn't a song
There are things I'm still not saying
I'm just trying to hold on

my

Things are quiet
I'm still
Listening to a song about medicine
Reflecting again

You can still do
What You've said You can do
Just because I've run out of endurance
Doesn't mean You won't follow through

Air from my gut
Life from my blood
Mind from my skull
I keep trying to get up


I keep trying to get back up

best.

Here's a rhyme to all the kids
Who had to go and make a list
Of all the little reasons why
Reasons they should stay alive

Defining

I go to sleep every night
I should be good at it by now
But very lonely is tonight
And time stands still
So now
I try to picture you
With all the kingdom I can't find
Fighting gravity turning
With this little mind
I think I saw the kingdom
Get this feeling I must keep
Walking closer, crack the door
And then I fall asleep
'Cause every time I think I see your face
It fades away and turns to grey
Then I pray you save the day
Anyhow
I just pray someone hears me now



Hear Me Now -- Tyler Joseph

Your mind will say,
"Hello Worthless."

You do not respond to that name, understand me?

Yours Truly

After watching little films
Of when we were young
I guess I have much to think about
Since I've all but grown up

I'm losing moments
And gaining speed
What will I have to show for it?
My life in my teens?

We don't take videos anymore
My journal is usually quite rejected
I guess I'll have this beaten blog
Though on it my moments aren't perfected

So here's hello to future me
If you find this eventually
Or if you still post on it, maybe
But just don't delete it, promise me

I don't know where my life is headed
To be honest, I can't picture me at any job I've seen
I can do the work, but what will I excel in?
All my interests include creativity

Where you are now, I'm not sure
But I know God is still holding you
If you feel like letting go yet
Please remember what you once knew

I don't know if your best friends
Are still walking by your side
But I know if someone left, it wasn't you
And I constantly pray they won't leave you behind

So here's hello to future me
If you find this eventually
Or if you still post on it, maybe
Just don't delete it, pretty please

This is another one of those
Funny "teenage angst" things
Maybe you'll laugh and show your husband
Maybe it'll be something he's already seen

Or maybe you'll be the same as me
As I am right now, all sentimental
Keep reading back and soon you'll see
I've been known to call it semi-mental

This is to my future kids
Darlings, I love you already
You've got several years of prayer on you
'Cause I've been praying endlessly

Be patient with your mother, please
'Cause she can be a bit dramatic ;)
I'm excited to know you one day
If you get my genes, you'll be fantastic



Well.. here's goodbye to future me
And my husband, dear, you too
To all my kids, so long for now
Guess I could say I'll see you soon.

Gratitude.

I am thankful for the Love of my life rising from the dead.
I am thankful that I can look at Ethan with a sad expression in the car, and he will know that I am listening to the lyrics of the song playing.
I am thankful that I was pushed into a swimming pool by Nick years ago.
I am thankful that no matter what I say or feel, I am heard by the One I always want so desperately to be heard by.
I am thankful that my mother helps save lives; not only at the Pregnancy Resource center, but also here at home.
I am thankful for the trees that line one of the roads to my house.
I am thankful that Hope understands me.
I am thankful that Rebekah has ambitions and energy that have been pumped into me as well.
I am thankful for my father being playful and protective.
I am thankful for the times Alex has asked me if anything was wrong, even when I didn't tell anyone my world was caving in.
I am thankful for that night on Grace's roof.
I am thankful for eleven kids showing up in a small living room on a night that was almost cancelled out of fear.
I am thankful that Isaac is writing a book.
I am thankful for a beautiful blonde on my soccer team ages ago.
I am thankful for a rock by a water slide.
I am thankful that Baylie can rant to me and cry to me about how life is so beautiful in the same day.
I am thankful for all the moments that have hurt, and the years I spent quietly wishing I didn't exist.
I am thankful for the time I was up in a tree on a cool Saturday morning watching my brother and his football team at practice.
I am thankful for a girl I've had almost my whole life, and my only friend in Surge.
I am thankful for not knowing the difference between leaves and feathers as a child.
I am thankful for manual labor with my brothers and Dad (because they don't ask Rebekah to do that stuff).
I am thankful for a homeschool pool party I was dragged to.
I am thankful for a Mission Arlington that made me cry out of fear because I thought I was all alone.
I am thankful for talking to a pretend therapist in my room.
I am thankful for a trip to Colorado and running about outside with wet hair.
I am thankful for 80's night at Anchorage.
I am thankful for the day I got my ukulele.
I am thankful for the lanyards hanging from my closet doorknob.
I am thankful for the friends I had as a kid.
I am thankful for switching churches and hating it and my life being challenged.
I am thankful for Lacey.
I am thankful for the night I knelt by my bedside, facing the window, and sobbed to God, asking Him to change it.
I am thankful that He did not.
I am thankful for Izzy's honesty.
I am thankful for Facebook conversations.
I am thankful for going to California and being horribly lonely.
I am thankful for resolved drama at summer camp.
I am thankful for tornado warnings.
I am thankful for that Rangers game.
I am thankful for hair as thin as paper.
I am thankful for buses driving slightly unstable kids to a place that they would grow closer to God, and maybe even form an unbreakable bond with each other.
I am thankful for slide whistles.
I am thankful for lyrics that hit home and make me hate and love the song at the same time.
I am thankful for starting a blog and pouring life and death onto the pages.

I am thankful for you.

My dreams have been too vivid
I think I'm in too deep
If they try to talk to me
Let them know I cannot speak
'Cause words don't work
They say time heals
So tell that to all the useless
Emotions I feel.

They're Only Scars.

The teacher pulled out a wrapped present from his backpack, complete with a red bow.
"This," he begins, "this is forgiveness.  It is a gift."
The first-through-third-graders huddled around him, staring at it.
"Forgiveness?" asked one child quietly.  Since many of the kids were murmuring among themselves, no one really noticed him say anything except for me.  The teacher continued to explain forgiveness.
"It should be bright," the little boy went on.  "Forgiveness is always bright."

Noticing a thing

I am not a girl of comparison.  Most girls are taken by envy, I venture to say, but I am not.  I'm not bragging, either, I have my flaws.  Just stating honestly.  I hardly get jealous.


However, there is one person that I compare myself to consistently.  Just one.  It is my sister.  I know this, because on days that she is dressed simply and I look boss, it is better to be dressed simply.  Furthermore, on days that she looks boss and I am dressed simply, it is far better to look boss.  It is better to go all-out punk.  It is better to pick a style.  It is better to listen to older music.  It is better to do yoga.  It is better to babysit all the time to make money.  It is better to watch old movies and be cultured.  It is better to get a double piercing.  It is better to wear makeup.
Now, these things don't eat at me.  I just notice.  And I notice that I notice.  That's why I'm writing about it.  I don't think this is envy.  It's natural for teenage girls to compare themselves to others, so I know that just because I compare myself to my sister, that doesn't mean she is better than me.  I am utterly happy with who I am.  It just gets under my skin that she seems better to me.  My comparison never turns into jealousy and hatred, it turns into a deep admiration, and once in a while a slight wish to be more like that person.
I just had to write about it.

rutilant

I've known her since I was little.  Real little.  Six, maybe...?  Seven?  I remember her kindness.  That's what people always say about her.  Over the years, however, I've found more.
Her opinions are well-thought.  She voices feelings and ponders questions, questions that collect under that dark hair of hers and swirl around.  They make their way down her veins, searching for answers.  The side of her hand is sometimes stained from verbalizing possible answers to those questions with ink in her diary.  Sometimes the words beam through her fingers as she types at night on a blog I check several times a day.  Sometimes her words just float to outer space.
She enjoys hiding behind the frames over her eyes.  I see through most of the time, but I usually don't say anything.
Her gait can be uncertain sometimes, as though the wind just might blow her in any direction, but as soon as she sees a loved one, the wind is irrelevant.  Her pace fills with energy and purpose as she moves towards the person that must be held dear somewhere in her heart.
Some days it's a flowing sweater, some days it's a tee and bright, poppy tennis shoes.  The vocal chords she strikes are used to say deep things, soft things, sweet things, funny things, encouraging things.  Yes, she is kind.  When pushed, however, she rises to a place that moves everyone to respect her.  Her hair clears from her eyes, her doubt clears from her voice, and she knows what she is talking about.  One would be wise to never mess with her friends.  If you mess with her, she may let it go, but the moment your comment lowers someone in her arms, it's over.  The defense she maintains for her friends is unwavering.
She knows Him.  She's holding on.

Shelters

His eyes are like the autumn leaves

Crumpled underneath her feet

But deeper, and more vibrant, too

Captivating through and through

Her hair blows back and forth, and sometimes 

So it is with her very mind

But the things she finds upon her shoulders

Somehow vanish when he holds her

The trees shoot skyward as someday they will

He says he'll carry her world when she's had her fill

And he skips stones across the brooke

The boy she loves, in his storybook

They could stay there forever,

Oh, if they could stay there forever

His voice is her favorite symphony heard

As he ventures to rescue his dear Wendy-bird 

Faces

People always used to say,
"I hope our friendship stays the same."
I never knew what they meant till today
But now I've seen a different face
Because people, they change
And then go away
Some only stay
Until it rains
Friends turn to gossips
Their siblings lose hope
You stop getting invited
And warm hugs turn cold
Parents divorce
Best friends die
Pessimism swells
Nobody tries
Everybody takes every single word the wrong way
And everyone leaves the one who could have been saved
Girlfriends fall apart
Then break the boyfriend's heart
Or the other way around,
But I can't listen to the sound
Anymore
It's like they tied me to a chair
And after making friends with me there
Walked out the door
And I had another dream last night
Where I doubted your friendship again
But you swooped in and saved the day
And told me that we'd never end
You know, I never wanna send you that text
That says, "I prayed for you again,"
The one I send to all the friends
Who have gone away and left me behind
Though I'm still trying to find
The words to make them change their minds




(Bit of something I wrote the other week.)

Hallucinating

Find myself a bit perplexed

And, as always, far from you

Because it takes a while to sleep at night

But this is what happens when I do

Happy Love Poem!

I was supposed to stir the gumballs around in a glass bowl, so that they wouldn't stick together while heating.  Whatever that means.  The Arzes were coming over, and we were preparing, even though this wasn't our house...  And I'm not quite sure why we were serving gum balls.
Stirring the gumballs, I went to plug in the heater.  Then Mom asked me to prepare some coconut dish, too.  I did so, slightly perplexed at the situation, and when I got back to the gumballs, they were a pink, sugary glob.  I sighed in defeat and told Mom.  Dad laughed, and Mom said she might be able to fix it.  The Arzes would be there soon.  But I never saw your face.
I'm not sure what happened.  Things changed, I guess, and soon enough I was with a group of people I didn't know in the slightest.  We were outdoors, in a desolate, bleeding city.  We were just trying to survive.  From who?
Well, zombies.
I didn't think of this as the apocalypse at the time.  But I mean, there were morbid-looking dead people limping around biting everyone alive, only to infect them as well, so I guess apocalypse didn't sound far from it...  Hair torn out, teeth missing, limbs hanging, guts spilling.  Blood everywhere.  You know, the usual zombie.  Except for one thing:  they are in no way as easy to slaughter as everyone pretends they are when they're right in front of you.
This was hardly a strategy-based apocalypse.  It was more of a, "run for your life, they're everywhere and everyone is dead."  Luckily for me, I had no attachments around.  That fact also happened to eat at me more than the zombies might have, since because I was nowhere near my loved ones, I couldn't save them if they needed saving.  I didn't have too much time to think about that, though, I was busy not dying.
The sun was low in the sky; I remember running.  There were live people in front of me, some behind me, and rows of white warehouses on my left.  We were on the edge of the city, running towards the middle.  Ish.  I was unarmed, and so were most of the people around me, so we continued sprinting away from the zombies.  Some fell behind.
Eventually, we seemed to have enough distance between us and them, so we stopped to catch our breath.  Which was probably toxic.  We kept an eye out, though.  The dead people didn't only travel in groups.  They were anywhere and everywhere, and impossible to get away from entirely.
Darkness filled the sky, filling our hearts with dread, and filling the group with nervous murmurs.  Shadows cast up against the warehouses still on our left.  The air cooled down, and I was almost becoming numb to the lovely smell of blood and rotting things.
My fingers ran through my hair, keeping my bangs out of my eyes.  I found myself more towards the edge of the band of survivors.  There were probably about thirty to forty people besides me.  I'm not sure why I stood there, maybe it was just my sucky instinct of freaking self-sacrifice.
A scream burst from the opposite side of the group.  The rest of us watched in terror as one man was dragged behind one of the warehouses.  If the fact that I was standing at the edge of the group because of self-sacrifice, that was irrelevant when it was time to run.  I took off.  About ten other undead oddities appeared from behind the warehouses, but I didn't stop to shake hands.  Some of the men laughed about how there were only ten and we shouldn't run.
Right.  And it takes only one of them to end your life.
Some of the armed people stood their ground, but most headed in my direction.  We weren't a team.  We just had a common goal.
 Somehow some of the zombies were gaining on us.  Seeing one of my neighbors experience an unfriendly bite, I veered to the left and leaped onto a large trash bin.  Someone was on my tail, and judging by the vomiting sounds, it was my good buddy Cannibal.  Trying not to panic, I climbed onto the roof of the warehouse before me, pulling my legs up after me like nothing else.  There were people already on the roof.  I heard the dying noises right behind me and dove forward, ignoring the people in my way.  There was a sudden whack and a splattering sound.  I whirled around to witness the zombie fall off the roof, and one dude back away with a bloody hockey stick, or something.  I jumped to my feet and met a gun pointed at my head.
Great.  Because what we really need in a zombie apocalypse is survivors turning on each other.
This is one of the only complete thoughts I had during this time.
Behind the trigger was a boy probably a bit older than me, with two other boys at his side, and a girl in front of them.  All probably around the same age.  They muttered something to the girl.
"Alright," said one yahoo, staring at me.  "You're coming with us."
If looks could kill, he'd be dead, but I didn't vocally object.  I was probably safer with this team than I was alone, anyway.  At least, until they fed me to the undeads.
Things were a blur for a while.  We stayed atop the warehouses until there weren't anymore.  The city around us became enormous.  The number of threats increased.  More fighting happened, more violence.  Over the course of this time, I actually grew rather close to the leader of the team that had kidnapped me.  When you cling to someone in order to survive, I guess you can't help but get to know them a bit.  She was better than most people.  She kept herself together.  She was brave.  She reminded me some of Maya H.  Her structure, the whole awesome hair thing going on, except she was a blonde.  I didn't know her name, but I'll call her Jane.  I think she trusted me.  She knew what she was doing, even when the rest of her team was lost in the gore...  I couldn't tell if she had been emotionally attached to them.  Running for your life didn't give you too much time to think about that kind of thing, so I'll never know.
We ended up in a skyscraper.  The level was high off the ground, and Jane and I found ourselves in one of the only safe spots: a public restroom.  Many other people were gathered inside, each one ready to take off again at the slightest disturbance.  The tension echoed off the white walls.  Everyone avoided the stalls.
She and I remained there a bit.  After a minute or two, I saw Crystal standing a few feet away, and rushed to embrace her.  I inquired whether she'd like to stick with us, to which she eagerly accepted.
A few more minutes of waiting passed.  I turned my head to watch the haunting scene of a tall, heavyset guy staggering into the bathroom, looking like he was going to hurl.  It hit me seconds before Jane shouted.
"He's infected!"
Everyone frenetically scrambled out of the restroom, as though a bomb was about to go off.  Jane, Crystal, and I were some of the first to get out.  I heard a sickening noise behind us as we escaped, and knew we had to move faster; the people experiencing the effects of the vomit wouldn't be normal much longer.
People scattered throughout the building's levels, and the three of us dashed up several sets of staircases, being chased only some of the time.  I kept checking to make sure Crystal was following.  The zombies that trailed us all ended up distracted with other groups of humans after some time.  We were agile.  My memory of the next half-hour or so is blurred, but I recall Crystal finding another group to stay with.  I stuck to Jane.  She stuck to me.
At last, we found a level of the skyscraper that hadn't been discovered by oddities yet.  We ascended the stairs.  Upon entering, I ran into my favorite band of girl scouts: Curran, Luke, Connor, and Ford.
"Well," I say, "look who it is."  I tried to smile.
I passed them.  I guess I always knew they'd find each other if this whole apocalypse thing ever happened.  Maybe I was just surprised they were still alive.
Lots of people were on this level.  They huddled together, some fell asleep.  I must have, too, for a while, but I doubt Jane did.  I woke up.  We waited.  To hold onto my sanity, I decided to move around some.  I saw Charlton sitting against a railing, but besides him and the other four clowns, I saw no one familiar.  I wanted you, but... maybe not.  I couldn't bear to get in your way.  I refused to even think of losing you.  Besides, you were probably with Nick and Ethan figuring out how to save everyone.  Maybe.
There was a scream.  A more distant, unearthly sound followed.
No.  No.  No.
Not happening.
I tore back to where I had left Jane.  People moved out of my way.
Move back.  Move back to your spots, people.  I'm not here.  Why are you moving for me?
They had seen me with Jane.  They knew I was her friend.  I blocked this from my mind.
They had seen me with--
She was still standing.  No relief.  People backed away from her.  I saw a giant, red gash in her stomach.  My heart pounded into my skull.  A horrid noise came from downstairs, and people started pushing Jane away.  They pushed her to an empty hallway that went down and down.  That's when a girl about my age scurried up the stairs, screaming, "I didn't mean to!"
I couldn't process whether she was talking about giving up our location or hurting someone, but there were horrible sounds coming from below.  I frantically went after Jane, shoving off the people who still insisted on pushing her.  They let me guide her.  I couldn't process it.  We kept walking down the hall.  Her will power alone was good enough to keep her moving, though her mind was clouded.  She was barely holding on, and I kept her upright the whole time.  She was slipping in and out of clarity.  I hoped she knew I was there.
She stared straight ahead, now bleeding from her ears, too.  I couldn't.  I couldn't do this.  She was seconds from death, or losing her mind.  I didn't know if she'd been infected.
I was losing her.
Still walking, I wiped the blood from her face with my hands.
"Jane?" my voice cracked.  "Jane?  You know I love you, right?  You know that?"
My mind was racing.  I was just talking.  I was just trying.  I'm not sure why I used those words.  Maybe I was trying to save her.
It's your own fault, Emily.
I had to leave.  Her symptoms were showing she'd probably been infected.  My face was wet, and the tears dripped to my neck.
You got attached.
She was wheezing.  I couldn't save her.

Ever so gently, I kissed her temple, and let her go.

You got attached.
The words bounced back and forth in my head as I moved back towards the room where everyone was freaking out, and probably attempting evacuation.
You said you wouldn't do that.
Everyone was running.  I was half expecting to be infected by Jane's blood on my hands or something, but nothing happened.
There were zombies trudging up the stairs, and a few people were fighting them off.  They kept coming.  There must have been dozens.
They were getting through.
We ran up another flight of stairs, and then another, assisting each other and defending ourselves from the undead.  I searched and searched, but I knew there wasn't a way out of this.  Zombies kept pouring forth, and when the survivors were bitten, their numbers were increased.  The virus spread and spread, and soon enough, we couldn't go up any farther in the building, and they had us trapped.  We were gone.

Maybe you would save the world.











My one way out prevailed, and I found myself... in bed.  I was in bed, clutching my pillow.  It took me a second.
It was a dream.
Oh.
It was a dream.  It was a dream.
...
Thank heavens.

Left and Right

There are a lot of things I strive to be
A lot of me's I'd die to see
A lot of air I'd kill to breathe
A kind of blood I wish I'd bleed
I wanna be brave when the clouds roll in
When the waves get high and I cannot swim
Wanna stand my own ground and stick up my chin
Wanna tell myself that I know I'll win
And I wanna be strong enough to move along
When my emotions flood in and my sanity's gone
And the sun goes down and my mind gets lost
When my heart is dry and my pillow's
Not
Can I be bold enough to tell you the truth?
That I don't do as well as you say I do?
Because the waves crash in and I fall on through
And it tears me up 'cause you never knew
You know, the stars come out
But they don't give enough light
You're supposed to close your doors
And just stay inside
But there's a different kind
Who tries to use their eyes
When it's clearly dark enough for the tree in front of you to be a surprise
You stepped out of the door and walked into the night
Where the darkness could swallow your brightest of lights
And you're doing alright
Yeah, you say that you're fine
Till the footsteps you hear are coming up from behind
So you run and you climb
And you're not even sure why
Because you've decided before that you don't want your life
But you can't let them take you
It just isn't right
So you try and you hide
'Cause it isn't your time
And you're not willing to die
If someone else holds the knife
But now the sound's gone out in your left ear
And you're freaking out 'cause the monster's near
And your right side's covered
But your left is certainly not
And your lungs are still bleeding
From the other battles you fought
But those were on the inside
You can't take the outside too
'Cause while you were trying to save him
There was no one saving you
This is not in your control
So suddenly you're not ready to die
And the monster's coming close
So suddenly you're willing to try
But it's too late, you call liar, liar
And your feet get caught up in barbed wire
Your knees on the ground and it's too late to choose
Your feet in your blood and you finally lose
But wait
It takes a second just to make
Because the light is far too bright and now you have to look away
You hear the dying of the beast and you're sure you're the next to be slain
But no, he looks the other way and asks you why you didn't pray
And now you don't know what to say, but now you know that you want him to stay
Because there's grace inside his face even though you lost the race
And even though you walk away from him so many times a day
So he wraps your feet in bandages and asks why you had to try on your own
But it's just to prove a point because you know he already knows
He picks you up from off the ground and whispers to you that you're never alone
And you can't help but cry in His arms because He finally brings you home

I'm failing ever eternally
Masking, slowly, everything
He came down and rescued me
He came down and died so He could see
Me
With Him eventually
So that forever I could breathe

And it's hard to believe,
Sometimes, all the perfect things
That have been given to me
Here I am, undeserving
Concerning
Others about the things that hurt me
But surely
I don't wanna be a burden, so mercy
Mercy on me
He gave me you and you were mercy to me
Coming in and rescuing me
From my pit that I dug for me six feet deep
And in my sleep
I repeat the things you've said to me
Tell me I haven't disappointed you,
And it makes me wanna weep
Because I never saw it coming
And I never saw you come
You said you'd chase me across the world
Well good, 'cause I'm afraid I might run
Such terribly perfect things are hard for me to accept
But I love you to death
So I'll try my best

"Emily, look! A Coke truck! Make a wish! Did you see it?"


"Haha, no, but that's okay Isaac. All my wishes are coming true."

Shoot me down
But I get up


Some girl that sings

I'm looking ahead
I'm not looking back

'Cause somebody said
I'm stronger than that

Breadcrumbs.

I'll be Hazel,
You be Jack
If you lose yourself,
I'll bring you back
If you lose sight
And fall apart
I'll do my best
To fix your heart
If you slip away
I'll journey to find you
If you forget yourself
Then I'll remind you
If it seems that you
Are on your own
Don't worry, Jack,
I'll bring you home.

Dizzy

You got my mind spinning
You've got my head spinning
Always feel like I'm winning
Winning life, or something
When I'm in your arms
And you're in my heart
Always, always,
In my heart.
Everybody laughs at how dizzy I get
When you're around, I could easily bet
That there isn't one detail I'll ever forget
You are the best person that I've ever met.

Thank you, God,
For people so good
That I miss them so much.

"We have to just let people go sometimes and move on."


"I know. But it's so much harder to do that when they've moved on first."

Captive

A thousand "what if" scenarios
Play out in my head
And the time 11:30
Tells me I should go to bed

The poison ivy on my arms
Is driving me insane
But it's the thoughts inside my mind
That are keeping me awake

The rain washes over
These cozy little rooftops
Inside of my head
I try to process
Everything

The sound of raindrops in my ears
The soft of a pillow in my arms
Curled under the covers in my bed
And with the ceiling fan off
Finally

Like the rain
Emotions come and go in waves
Yet at some sort of pace
With only the thought of you to keep me
Company

Save Yourself.

And I still act like this whole friends thing is new to me.

Still can't keep up a conversation
Still surprised when someone cares
Still stare at the wall in the night
And no one's there, I swear
And she texts me all the time
And he calls me on the phone
And they pray for me at night
While I learn to hold my own
Is there fear still in my eyes?
Is my heart still made of stone?
Go away, go away, go away

Don't leave me alone

The Funny Ones

The sun is on our side
Everything's always bright
We are the funny ones
We are the ones that are alright

We're alright

Good morning world, so nice to see you
Good morning friend, please smile for me
We'll crack a joke or two for you
And laugh until you're full of glee

The sun is on our side
Everything's always bright
We are the funny ones
We are the ones that are alright

They usually like when I'm around
Because I tend to make them smile
I'll make light of everything
So you're glad you're alive for a while

The sun is on our side
Everything's always bright
We are the funny ones
We are the ones that are alright

We are the happiest of all
Oh, just please don't look too close
They can't see laughter is our wall
And we are not as fine as most

See,
We always smile like we're strong
So no one ever thinks anything's wrong
Maybe I don't want you to hear my real song
Maybe I don't want you to hear my real song
I'll make you laugh so you stay alive
She makes you smile 'cause she knows what it's like
To be all alone and do nothing but cry
And he's the funniest boy, but I've seen tears in his eyes
The jesters are the most sensitive ones
We put on this mask so you all look at us
That's the paradox of them and of me
Everyone looks, but nobody sees
See?
My momma said I was born with Daddy's wit
So I turned it around and hid under it
'Cause when you make it light,
They think everything's fine,
But I'm not sure that that's what I really wanted
But the thing about us is we see through each other
That's why that one there always felt like my brother
Why I make sure she's okay, as though I'm her mother
And that's why compared to you there was never another
When you're both jokers, you see through each other.

The sun is on our side
Everything's always bright
We are the funny ones
The ones that always hide


We're alright.

Anything.

Call me anything you like,
Just don't call me unoriginal.

Hours

And tonight 

Saying "I trust You"

Is enough

The way God works things out
Is so perfect
So perfect.

Third Place

I used to be able to grab a pen
And pour out the contents inside of my head
I used to be able to grab a sheet from this blog
And communicate all of the things that were wrong
I used to be able to go on and on
I used to go on and on..
Today, I'm feeling a lot bit in my head
And so I am going to try this again.
First thing's first,
There's always her
Underlying in
Every word
She remains unnamed
But remains all the same
Is this guilt,
Or is this blame?
Then there's the other one
Her, I call mine
My "little punk girl"
Used to be here all the time
But I guess that's the point
She's not my little girl
She's my older sister
And a huge part of my world
And she's going away
But she asked me today
I was pulled aside by an INTJ
And she asked if I was okay
Wow.
I might have looked surprised
She said she wasn't blind
I'm almost too ashamed to admit
That's exactly what she was in my mind
You see, I'm getting older too
And I still don't know what I want to do
Believe me, friend, I've thought it through
But it never works how I want it to
I'm undecided endlessly
And I guess it's showing
Mom says take one step at a time
But I don't know where I'm going
And everything is symbolic to me
I'm a little too thoughtful, a little too deep
Like how I watch the bathroom towels
Fall straight onto the floor
Though I keep putting them back up
And to me it means much more
And how the pages right before me
Keep blowing to the other end
Thin and quite unsure of themselves
But you reach and keep fixing them
Or how I don't want to stay in the game
Because second place is worst
And you try to help me keep my place
'Cause though I don't, you have faith I'll get first
A friend of mine is also on my mind
I try to find words for her every time
Because I hear her when she says,
"If I wake up, then I'll pretend
"I didn't hear those screams again."
I, myself, understand that language
Despite popular belief
I've understood a thousand tongues
Because of all the ones I speak
Some of them don't see it, though
Maybe I just don't let it show
Envious of the good girl
Jealous of the perfect world
But I can tell you now, my friend
That perfect life is in your head
Her castle isn't on the ground
It's in her head and in the clouds
And yet, people mean too much to me
I can't find a balance
Between telling them what's right and what's not
And accepting them for who they are
I can't make anyone feel how I'm feeling
Thank goodness for that, but it leaves no room for understanding
So I quietly put my troubles in songs
Because if there's pain involved
Then they'll sing along
And then maybe my trouble will stop.
Wrong.
My heart beat faster as I ran farther
But this is something that I have to face
It doesn't work like that, but I keep waking up
With the hope for another new day
But I fail myself when I fail them
Oh, heaven forbid me let down my friends
To wipe away her silky tears
They leave black smudges around her eyes
I hope she knows I really tried
Every day I hit a point where I break for my room
I can't let my brothers see me blow stability a kiss
And then I break down, sobbing into my pillow
Saying, "I cannot keep doing this."
It's too much for me
It's too much for you
It's too much after all
That my God's pulled me through
A shattered person is all I see
Mirror me, mirror me
Her lungs are scarred and she can't breathe
Mirror me, oh mirror me
I run until I'm caught
I'm fine until I'm not
I smile until I stop
I fly until I drop
They're busy with her
I'm busy with them
The broken, beautiful people
That I still call my friends
She stopped pouring her heart out to me
When she found I couldn't fix her
And they all think I have it better
But they're still my friends, of that I'm sure
Everything's going so fast
I can't take it all in
So I'm left in the corner
Trying to process all this
It comes out in sick rhymes
Till I've got nothing else
There's no space in my mind
Anymore for myself
So squeezing my eyes shut
My strangled voice with one thing left to say..

There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain, break every chain, break every

Chain.

Millions

Tomorrow I'll do better
Tomorrow I'll try harder
Tomorrow I'll go longer
Tomorrow I'll start over
Tomorrow I'll try
Tomorrow I won't let it
Escape through my eyes

I cannot put it down in rhymes

I cannot breathe again tonight

For the first time in my life I enjoy being caught in something I cannot escape.

There's you in my eternity

And suddenly you're gone

Like there's still a connection 

But somehow you're lost

I don't wanna plunge into this week

Not if you're absent, I need you with me

There are pieces of you in everything

And it gives me joy, but it's not the same as you, you see

Living off my memories 

Every time a new day is breaking

You make a day fly by

A weekend, or five

But the hours stretch when you're not by my side

And I feel like an idiot when it escapes through my eyes

Gravity

I don't wanna let you go
I'm not gonna let you go

Because people lose faith
And people, they break

And I watch lovers around me fall
They crumble and curl up with nothing at all

But I'm holding onto you, if that's alright with you
Persistent, stubborn, devoted, maybe all of them are true

Ours is a different type of gravity
'Cause we fall without losing our clarity

Like we fall deeper into each other's hearts
Instead of simply falling apart

Melody

The sky must have melted
And dripped into his heart
Now it's pumping all throughout
His veins are filled with stars

I saw guitar strings in his fingerprints
I felt a drum beat through his chest
Piano keys play like his thoughts
And I hear them in his steps

I don't think anyone understands
Just how truly lucky I am.

Artwork.

The days replay before my eyes

It really does take a lot to say goodbye

Your voice is echoing inside 

You're good at etching memories into my mind 

It never gets harder

I always remember 

Sand looks like brown sugar

When you mix it with water

It's been said a million times
Yet it hasn't been said at all
Nobody knows the weight of my words
Or the weight that pulls me when I fall

Deeper and deeper and harder and faster
Who knew falling could make you feel safe?
Every moment with you should be eighty times longer
I hear "home" sounded out in your name

Story

We built our home in the pages of a storybook
In a forest on an island, somewhere no one ever looks
They will say we're crazy when they see all of the time we took
I say we're being careful, 'cause you stole my heart and I'm a crook

You were funny and bright, you got caught in my eyes
I was thoughtful and shy, you got stuck in my mind
It took no genius to know we had time
Now we're spinning a story with every rhyme

Too young, too dumb, too soon for love
I hear it when they look at us
But we are wise, and we have sung
A song that's only now begun

Now I'm flipping through the fairytale and wondering how it ends
But the words are all blurred so I can't read ahead
Tattooing on the pages all the names of my friends
Like the marks they've made on me as I keep spinning my thread

You have a list, but I have a file
The memories we've got from such a long while
With every glance, every unknowing smile
I've carried them with me for miles and miles

Watching the sun dance in your eyes
My pity to anyone who wonders why
I fell so hard, but hold so tight
To the boy who taught me how to fly

And I still remember the woods we went through
Back when the stars sparkled and I thought of you
I didn't put it together, and I'm not sure you knew
But the path we were weaving was a path made for two

You were youthful and wise, you got caught in my eyes
I was quiet and shy, you dared to see another side
It took no genius to know we had time
Now we're spinning a story with every rhyme

I wouldn't leave you
I would hold you
When the last day comes
What if you need me?
Won't you hold me?
On the last day,
Our last day



Jasmine Thompson

Don't regret a thing
Open your eyes, I'm right here

But I do not enter this season with fear
My Jesus is holding my sixteenth year.

{Fifteen}

Years from today
I'll tell my daughters and sons
About the life that I lived
When I was so young

Years from today
I'll laugh and I'll speak
About the life that I lived
When I was fifteen

Everything that's normal now
Will be a story to them
Maybe they'll gather round
To hear of me and my crazy friends

So many lessons learned
In the fifteenth year
So many bursts of joy
So many bittersweet tears

This will be history
The days will have passed
I will look back and say
"I felt it going too fast."

There's always so much
I love to remember
With every year of my life
September to September

It's hard to express
Just what it means
But this is the last
The last day I'm fifteen

Thoughts Again.

I am not losing it

Just exasperated, see

She can talk to a youth group leader

But she won't talk to me

And a youth group leader

Will ask if she's okay

But the most I've ever gotten

Was a smiling, casual "hey"

It's like I've got "sister"

Tattooed on my head

Or, from other people 

"A really sweet friend"

There are two, maybe three

Of the friends that I have

That would even notice

The world on my back

I'm sorry for being selfish

But I want them to care on a deeper level

Because she's always better

And I am just the rebel

I wear a watch when it doesn't match

But refuse to put on makeup

I wear what I want and don't care what they say

And have heard my emotions should shape up

Yet still I've changed so much

If twelve year-old me could see me now...

I hope she wouldn't be ashamed

I hope I haven't let her down

She'd stare at my "stylish" clothes 

And observe my curly hair

If she saw him at my side 

Then I think she'd really stare

"But you said you wouldn't do that,

"Now you've gone and fallen in love."

Then I'd take her by the hand,

"Dear, here's what you never thought of."

Then she'd come and spend the night

We'd play Pac-Man and build a fort 

I'd brush her hair and then we'd giggle

And we'd chuckle and we'd snort

That's when she'd ask about him

"Is he your boyfriend, darn, already??"

"No freaking way, Emily."

"I guess that word's allowed at fifteen.."

Then I'd tell her about my best friend 

How we're waiting for so long

I think she would be so proud

She might even call me strong

I would tell her all about 

The way we call each other goon

And how he says that he's the Flash

And all the funny things he does

That would hit right home for her

"There's no WAY he's real," she'd say

And I'd tell her that those were my words 

"There is no way, there is no way."

But best of all, I'd tell her

How much he loves the Lord

Then how he can play any instrument 

And how she should see him on the court

I'd tell her all our inside jokes

How he's such a gentleman

How he asks if I'm okay

And his Marvel obsession 

And lastly, that he's Peter

That he's really Peter Pan

Finally came to my window

And took me to Neverland

I'd tell her how much he is

The greatest friend I've had

She'd tilt her head and smile 

"I guess he's not that bad."

We'd spend the next day together 

I'd encourage her, help her on

She'd ask me if she loses faith at my age

And I'd tell her God still keeps it strong

She'd ask about my trials

I'd tell her that they're many

But to always remember that God

Is bigger than all and any

I guess that I don't wonder

What it would be like to meet her

I suppose I already know

Since I know what it's like to be her

But what's the meaning of all of this?

Is it just because I'm afraid of one six?

My heart is racing, I'll admit

Maybe that number's a little too big...

But God is waiting on the other side

He holds my hand and I match his stride 

If this is a trial, I'll take my own advice

My God is bigger

My problems better think twice.

Magnification

When I ask "How are you?" no one ever tells the truth
Well, except for you, because you always told me to
And you couldn't watch me do it alone, could you?

Dear Smile,

You leave me speechless nowadays
There's nothing I can find to say
You really take my breath away
You'll have to settle with "okay"
:)P

It.

Emotions are a maelstrom
And right now thoughts are worse
I tripped on what's behind me
Now I'm falling in head first
If I had a sailboat
I lost it long ago
Now it is taken over
And trying to get home
I hold on to a moment
Life changes when I blink
The thing about doing chores is
It gives me too much time to think
What if I don't wanna turn sixteen?
Is that my choice, or is it theirs?
This train keeps going faster
But maybe I'm not that scared
It might be fine, could be alright
If I were to tell you the truth
Because years come and go, and as we grow
Each year's another year closer to you
But she can't come to Anchorage now
And he can't go to Fuze
So now I'm wondering endlessly
And asking what I'll choose
I'm breathing eternally
But what does breathing do?
It just gives me another chance
To make a harder move
The bones were never broken
But all of us are hurt
'Cause this life's rated R for "ready"
And it looks like none of us were
The last three years
There was a drought of laughter
The last three years
Were worse than the ones after
It hurts so much
Because it mattered
'Cause the last two years
Hearts were shattered
Sometimes tears don't turn into laughs
Sometimes defense feels more like an attack
Sometimes your thought process won't leave the past
And sometimes a person will never come back
But I can't help anymore
Maybe it's a test
To see if I can trust the Lord
With all of my breaking friends
There's nothing I can do
There's nothing I can say
God, You're the only One
I hit my knees and pray
They tell me things I hear in their heads
It takes me too long to fall asleep
Those aren't my problems, put them back
And I hardly really eat
It's like I'm walking on a tightrope
And You're begging me to look up
But I can't stop staring at my feet
To make sure I don't mess up
You're still calling out to me
Because You know I'll get there
If I don't count on my own power
If my gaze is fixed in the air
But I'll stare at a problem
With nothing to say
'Cause there's no black and white
That why my last name's Grey
Tell me they're okay
Tell me I'm just fine
Say you understand me
Yeah freaking right.
There's hope out the window
I'm not gonna quit
I'm looking at You now
'Cause Jesus You're it

I could live these nights
A thousand times
Meeting eyes
And trading smiles

My world turned from sanity
In the dream I had last night
When I didn't know if I was yours
And lost what might have been mine

All is Well

Sometimes being alone is a nightmare
And I'd die for another breather of life
Another beating heart to calm my nerves
Because when I'm alone I can hear my mind

And the monsters aren't ever easily scared
They haunt me and I hear the screaming inside
As my heart pounds loudly and head pounds louder
Watching the dark as silence eats me alive

But tonight, being alone is a comfort
Though I long for your warmth next to me
The monsters are gone, and though war rages on
All is well, and my mind is at peace

The ceiling is kind and my pillows are sweet
The blanket is soft and the music is kind
Lovely memories replay in my head
And I thank God I get to call them mine

Today was a challenge and drained me of strength
But now my eyes are closing willingly
The air is gentle and my breaths are steady
Though I wish that you were here with me

Safe Place

But you,
You make me feel safe
And by your side I wanna stay
I find shelter in your name
And it doesn't go away

God gets all the glory for all of my life
But this in particular, is all His all the time
How much beauty He can bring from something
That I never thought would come to me

So thank you Lord for my safe place
But you will never be replaced
Thank you for the joy and race
That can come from seeing someone's face

gravity

Too many times I've fallen on my own sword
God is all I've got
Darling, hold onto the pieces of me that you've gathered
'Cause I'm afraid that I may not

And it hurts me to know that when I wake up in the morning
I'll beg the ceiling for a reason to get out of bed
Too many times I've fallen on my on sword
The sword that's in my own head

Blink.

It was like seeing a ghost
Three ghosts, to be exact
My stomach shifted inside
I couldn't really avoid eye contact

Please don't look too closely
I don't want you to see
The internal fights and sleepless nights
That have taken hold of me

Mental Novels

Words don't come so quickly
Because when I'm with you
Things already happen so fast
And time flies right on through

I'm sorry for the things I've never said
I'm sorry for the letters you've never read
Because they're the ones I've never sent
For all the times my voice just left

Or when I can't express myself
And tell you all the things I've felt
But stick this note upon your shelf:
There's never been anyone else
I've never had anyone else.

There's a World in Here

This window is so big
It swallows one of the walls
The other three drip with memories
And do their best to contain me

But they give me the space
To do all that I'd like
I can sing, and I can breathe
I can laugh and sketch and scream

Meanwhile my window watches
As I stare into the sunset
Or focus my eyes into the night sky
As soon as I turn out the light

These four walls get the front
They see me dance with endless joy
Giggling on the phone, telling friends they're not alone
And singing loud when there's nobody home

They hear me rant to God
All my sobbing at night
Telling people I'm there, sending up all my prayers
Crying to God how nobody else cares

When I'm still awake at two
And sit right up in bed
And I'm hugging my sides, and drying my eyes
Blindly talking to people who won't leave my mind

When I spin with an invisible partner
When I pretend to vomit at my writing
When there's paint on my hands, or they don't understand
Rereading letters or peeling new stamps

Whatever has happened
And whatever will
These are my walls, and they get it all
They keep standing when I rise and fall

God Gave me Her

She gives.


She gives.


She gives.

Sentimental, Semi-mental

Last year you ran with open arms
Last year time was frozen hard
And we made every moment ours
But now you watch with broken hearts
Last year you were flying free
Living life as meant to be
Now it seems we've cut too deep
Now you cry and run to me
What if I'd told you that life was so hard?
What if I'd told you he'd go breaking your heart?
What if I'd asked you not to wish on a star?
Would you have kept every love-forsaken part?

If there was a line, I may have crossed it

If I had a mind, I may have lost it

If my head is a jail, I may be the hostage

But here when I write, I'm a little too honest

You entered the scene just in time

To watch me crumble into oblivion

So when you reached for my hand

I may have kept slipping;

I may be a lost cause.

'Cause every shattered-hearted whisper

That screams, "They'll all forget me,"

Leaves me clutching my pillow at night

Crying, "I can't help you if you won't let me."

People ask me all the time what I'd say 

People ask me what I'd do 

But I'm too busy already thinking up questions 

That no one has the answers to

So when I look back through the past couple years

I think of things I could've said to save you from tears

Maybe they were the things you did not want to hear

And a litte girl trying to be an optimist wouldn't speak them so clear

Would you have me had warned you?

Because I already knew

If you were in my shoes

What would you do?

I take it too hard

I take it to heart

That the same voice I'm using

Couldn't stop broken hearts

And the voices I hear

Seem so far out of reach

And they never learn

'Cause I never teach

Which I've heard I'm not responsible for

But if you saw your friends all walk through a door

That led to a million-foot drop or more

Don't tell me that your feet would stay on the floor

Please don't ask me if this is what I'd wanted 

Because I'll choke on my breath

I don't know if I'd say yes.

There's so much behind us that's nailed to my heels

Meanwhile another boy chases what he feels

And she's always asking when it will be real

But he never keeps what he's destined to steal

Then there's her, broken, beautiful, I can't meet her eyes

And there's him, never lacking another diguise

And I can't get either one of them out of my mind

I can't get them out of my mind

And she's hurting from people that should've taught her to love

Another girl is at stake, though she's never thought of

The only hope I get anymore comes from above

And it's all that I need, but it hurts just too much

I guess that it's too much to let it all go

I guess that it's too much to let it all show

I chew on this trust, but I never swallow

I guess that it's too much to let it all go.

Point this in a direction, make it a silent auction 

The fault that no one wants is treated like a toxin

We step around it, jump over it, worry out of caution

But I've gotta have someone to blame, and I'm my only option.

The Dot

She's talking to them about getting older
Money for college, a car, and insurance
Getting a job and going away
I have to run upstairs 'cause I can't listen to this
Stress and tension fill every gap
I'm sorry dear parents, I can't handle that
Bills to pay and life plus tax
Getting good grades so you don't come last
They tell me I just have to love and have faith
And then shove the real world all up in my face
Good college, good money, good job, that's the way
To survive in this life full of love and strong faith
Help me break away, help me break away
I can't keep doing this every single day
It overwhelms me, and it's not mine to say
But it kills me inside that things happen this way
And they've got ideas, and they all know
But I haven't a clue of where I am to go
Is there a place for me other than the road?
Am I destined to wander my life on my own?
Now I'm losing my faith, and I'd say that it's scary
"Em, don't stress about college, or who you will marry,"
They say faith and love, that's where I should be staring
But everything they talk about's temporary 

Souvenirs.

Suddenly, it all went past

To me it never seems to last

Time will never slow me down

I'm growing up and don't know how

day two.

If I could fix people as easy as piers
I swear I would save you a million tears

Let's run another maze.

Home.

If I opened the door
A little too fast
It's because this month
Was all that would last
Maybe it's because
I was afraid it was a dream
And I had to seize the moment
Before it ran from me
Or maybe it's that
It was the knock of my friend
And I had to act
Before you left again
So tell me it's real
'Cause I'm dramatic and all that
My head needs to grasp
That you're finally back

You don't know how perfect
It is in my mind
To say that I'll see you
And mean it this time

Try.

I pull up the covers and think of these things
So many things that I can't fix or heal
Singing, "I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep"
So many things that I can't help but feel

Oh, where do I even start?
The wind could sweep me off my feet
I cannot mend the broken hearts
That always and never call out to me

I couldn't help but ask
Am I going it alone?
By tearing off my mask
And crying on the phone

"Help me, help me!"
I hear them cry
"Dearest, I can't,
"You won't let me try."

So I curl up at night
I sob and I say
"There is power in the name of Jesus
"To break every chain."

Gone

And I can't write like her
I can't sing like her
I can't play like her
I can't breathe like her
I can't live like her
I can't see like her
I can't ride like her
I can't dream like her
I can't know like her
I can't think like her
I can't help like her
I'm not free like her

And she's not sleeping well these nights
Wish she'd let me help her fight

Slipping

I don't know what I am to you
If I'm even a friend
But you don't understand that I understand
What you see again and again

I don't know who I am to you
If I am just a name
But you mean much to me, and I can't
Watch you fall away

I'd be alright

If I could just see you

Cold War Kids

Knots.

I swear that I'm different
What else can I do, right?
And yet I find myself
Out of everyone else's sight
Fading into oblivion
Disappearing into the air
And in the end, I was a breath
That everyone knew was there
But no one ever saw me.
A poem about myself
Original, right?
Because everyone writes about himself
Every time
But I see people
Clear as day
I observe and understand
They never need to explain
I appreciate them
And take few for granted
I take the time
I always get it
So I can see people
And try to help
I can see everyone
But myself
I comprehend everything
Except what's in this skin
Tell me, how is that
Any way to win?
I keep finding myself
In the corner of my room
Trying to whisper
What I think is true
Fighting for myself
Trying to keep who I am
Before it blows away
Like the grains of sand
Hugging my knees
And holding too tight
Telling myself
What's wrong and what's right
Meanwhile faces
Of all of my friends
Float in front of my closed eyes
Again and again
I'm fighting for them
And losing myself
I look in the mirror
And can't even tell
This is who I am
That is me
But that's the person
They can't see
I'm drifting back and forth
I'm falling and flying up
Between the worry that everyone needs me
And the fear that nobody does
I can't save the day
When I'm slipping away
Screaming "no one understands" in my sleep
Why is my confidence the one thing I can't keep?
I swear that I'm gonna be fine
Things like these just take a little time
I have to convince myself I don't care what anyone thinks
This is a poem about me, maybe I will see
And no one is going to understand
That's okay, that's the plan
Why are knotted rhymes my therapy?
Why are my emotions choking me?
It's my curse to love everyone
More than they love me
And I need to stop writing now
I need to stop crying out
Convince myself I won't fade to nothing
This doesn't make sense, but I had to say something

My Tidal Wave.

Depression, please cut to the chase
And cut a long story short
Oh please, be done
How much longer can this drama afford to run?





Owl City 

Wingspan

There are birds that wake up when I do
In the middle of the night, and sing a tune
Broken was the one who flew
Trying to get back to you

To Be Honest

To be honest,
There's a detestable part of my soul that stopped believing
That you're coming home, and so now I'm deceiving
Myself, my mind doesn't know what to do
Because in this world that keeps spinning, it's hard to find truth
So I'm all out of options, God's always been my refuge
But to hide from myself I often ran to you
And to be honest,
I've been staying up talking to Ethan all night
And then trying to sleep in the next day 'cause of fright
'Cause I don't wanna wake up to another day without you
And you're everywhere and nowhere, and I can't make it through
Well, nothing makes sense anymore in my head
I guess it's that much easier to just stay in bed
And to be honest,
I've been learning guitar for a while now
And tearing up my fingers to create a sound
That hopefully succeeds in helping me drown
Out all the thoughts that I find are too loud
And I've been ripping my fingers until they go numb
Filling in pain where there are thoughts of us
If I could replace them, my work would be done
But I keep on playing because they are stuck
And to be honest,
I took Isaac for granted and now he's away
But I never did that with you, and you didn't stay
So my heart's freaking out and my mind is too loud
And my tears are too few for a head that's too proud
To tell even one soul I'm about to fall down
Except for my God, to whom I've definitely cried out
And I can feel Him with me and I think that I can see
And He's helping me through and I know He's testing me
He'll always be by my side, and He's doing great things
But there is no freaking way that that makes this easy
To be honest.

Cruel Irony

The cheaters always think
Everyone else is cheating

The liars always think
Everyone else is lying

The burglars always think
Everyone else is stealing

But the criers never believe
Anyone else is crying

Quiet Strength.

Could've come like a mighty storm
With all the strength of a hurricane
You could've come like a forest fire
With the power of Heaven in Your flame

But you came like a winter snow
Quiet, and soft, and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below





Chris Tomlin

And you and I both know
This is gonna have to be something
Bigger than us

Stained Handwriting.

And the world is shifting

As I hold your letter far too tight

Tell me I'm not dreaming

I feel the water in my eyes

Sense is fleeing

Help me see

Can I keep believing

You're talking about me?

It's a little too perfect

To fit into my life

Maybe I wrote it

And made it just right

Maybe I wrote all those letters

I keep in my drawer

Maybe it's all make believe

I'm in some asylum of the sort

So I hold on to a photograph

There's no way I made that up

I guess this is the aftermath

If I'm dreaming, don't wake me up

Have a good tomorrow and the rest of those days

Isaac: "Where is he??"
Me: "HOUSTON."
Isaac: "I was talking about my stuffed Stitch..."


Oh.

Once Upon a Fight

"Nothing's ever as it seems,"
Says the smile with broken dreams
Dreams that somehow left in flames
Guess it left us wide awake

Do you remember a day before all of this?
Before lightning cracked open the skies
We were invincible, now what did we miss?
The towel never dries our eyes

What on earth happened?
All our dreams are shattered
Now we're begging the streetlights
To tell us we matter
A time ago we jumped in the puddles
And we ignored our differences
We always looked up to the skyline
Back when we were princesses

It wasn't hard to speak a name
And hide and seek was just a game
Now instead of a prince and a palace
It seems we've picked up battle axes

'Cause Cinderella's shoe won't fit
And Alice fell too hard this time
Freedom up and left Jasmine
And Wendy forgot how to fly

What on earth happened?
All our dreams are shattered
Now we're begging the streetlights
To tell us we matter
A time ago we jumped in puddles
And we ignored our differences
We always looked up to the skyline
Back when we were princesses

Now Snow White will never eat apples again
Aurora cannot mend her kids' socks
Wendy is terrified of "the end's"
And Alice worries over ticking clocks
Yeah all of us, we have our scars
From wishing on a shooting star
If you find home is way too far
And growing up is way too hard

What on earth happened?
All our dreams are shattered
Now we're begging the streetlights
To tell us we matter
A time ago we jumped in puddles
And we ignored our differences
We always looked up to the skyline
Back when we were princesses

Yeah all of us, we have our scars
From wishing on a shooting star
But when we let the dreams back in
That's when the real magic begins

Lights

"We're under the same sky,"
And I have to sound out
Each word in my mind

I closed my eyes
Because your song just came on
You're by my side

And I'm writing with my right hand on the phone
Because my brother fell asleep leaning against me
God is here, I'm not alone.

Our time went back to normal, and the hours are few
But I'll tell you I never changed my watch
I don't know why, maybe I felt closer to you.