Unconditional.

She told me she wishes she could help
I saw the sincerity in her face
She said she wished she knew how to help
Because she had felt the same
"You're going through what I went through,"
And then she explained
"I thought anxiety blocked me from God,
"But somehow it was the way."
She said it's probably like that with my depression
And what she said made sense
Yet, somehow it didn't click
Maybe one day it'll be clear in my head
Because depression fogs things up a lot
And throws me into confusion
I seem to know very little right now
But I've come to a couple conclusions

I know this.  I love God and He loves me.
He stops at nothing to capture my attention and tell me how much He loves me, even though I seem unable to process it correctly right now.
How can I be lost when He has called me found?
Jesus is alive and he saves.
He rescues and saves.
I know this.
I am in love with Joseph Arze.
He is completely breathtaking, and the beauty just of who he is astonishes me.
I fear that sometimes he doesn't realize the depths of my love for him -- which he obviously doesn't, but in this different sense -- because of certain flaws in my character that make it hard to express just how much color he really does bring to my life.
I know this.
Baylie's friendship with me has stood the test of time.
Sometimes I unintentionally make it hard on people to hold up friendship with me, simply because of my mix of depression and introvertedness.
But Baylie has not let me slip through her hands.
I love Baylie with my whole heart.
Even when she doubts everything or sobs in my arms, I am amazed by her.
In her I have a true friend, she is trustworthy and beautiful.
I know this.
I hold my friends dear to my heart.
Even the ones who have hurt me, most likely unintentionally.
They are precious to me, and seeing them go through so much pains me because I want to save them and cannot.
Which I have learned, and because of this new knowledge I fear that some of them may have drawn apart from me because I'm not good at handling relationships due to this; I get to close to their troubles and hurt myself, or I find myself a bit too distant from them.
In any case, I will never stop loving them, as hard as all of this is.
I know this.
I miss Rebekah.
I'm not quite sure in what sense yet.
Maybe I miss being around her all the time.
She is still here for me, but when she comes back it's usually for Cornerstone.
Which is fine, but they get more of her sometimes.
So maybe I miss having her to myself.
I know this.
I love my family.
There is a lot I'm unsure of, so I was afraid that if I didn't put this in here, one might think I was having problems with them. I'm not.

I'm trying to put the pieces together of what Rebekah said
And I'll tell you, I'm more at peace with it all tonight
But I'm a little confused, and I know that I'm sad
There's joy in all this, but a lot makes me cry
I'm not questioning God, I know He has a plan
And it's not just head knowledge; I understand
But it just really hurts, it's just raw pain
I'd say it's pure sorrow I hold in my hands
Because this is tough, it's really just sad
But God is still God, and I am still blessed
These days I sometimes feel meaningless, all torn up inside
But Jesus still chases me when I'm depressed

Twelve

The puzzle pieces are hanging in the air

Tied with string to the yellow ceiling 

So if I look from different angles at the cardboard shapes

They put together different meanings

Some pictures are red, some are gray

Some are the darkest, darkest blue

Some are old violet, some are mossy green

Some are marble, still some are maroon

But there's no black, and there's no white 

I get nothing so clear this time

Someone come and wash my eyes

I can't settle truth from lies

It's all based on what I see

And what I choose to believe

Say it's real, but don't promise me

I can't manage anything

Maybe it's all in my head

Maybe I'm really in bed

This is the nightmare I'll dread

Years from today

My Dear.

Every night when you wish me sweet dreams
I assure you, there's no need to start
You are my sweetest dream come true
I love you more with every beat of my heart

If Mom's at work
And Rebekah's in college
Of course I "sound like a mom,"
As you so graciously put it, dear brother
Someone's gotta hold this place down
As well as her frequently-interrupting emotions.

love,

These very words are racing through my mind
As I haul my sister's unwanted clothes into my room
And take a breath, after dropping them in the corner
Not from the weight of the clothes but the weight of the gloom
I kept my nose buried in a school assignment all day
Because I was dying to hear Mr. Darcy's next words
And dying to avoid Rebekah's
No offense, of course, just to spare me the hurt
Some might think it's wrong for me to hold off the processing
Then again, no one else has been inside my head
Perhaps I'm in the wrong, but I really don't want to
Think about this being her last night in her own bed
Technically not, since the bed in her dorm will be hers
But this loft bed in her old room will become someone else's
I see Ethan hanging from the ladder
I hear it creek as Isaac "sneaks" up the metal bars
While she's putting on makeup in the bathroom
And since all that is only the sentiments of an old metal loft bed,
I don't want to get my mind started on anything else
"That's unwise, that's unwise, that's unwise, that's unwise."
But my alter ego steps in to defend me, saying,
"She can't be blamed for it, she's a little sister in pain."
Thanks for standing up for me
I know she's only gonna be an hour away
So to everyone who thinks that will take away the hurt,
You can count on the fact that I know where my sister is going to college
And that it's "only an hour away" so it's fine that she will never live in the same house as me again
That's fine, thanks.
Right now she's in her room, writing in her anxiety journal
Which is pretty much what I'm doing this moment, right?
I asked her if she was fine tonight, she said no
At least she gets points for honesty
She can have mine, I don't deserve them anyway
So to everyone who's wondering, no, I'm not okay with the fact that she's going to college
But don't tell me that
Because I will most definitely say, "Yeah, sure it's hard, but it's okay.  I'm coming to terms with it."
I am remarkably good at those words now
I practice them while I'm in the shower
I'm such a liar, it's not even romantic anymore
It's just disgusting
Because the truth is, I hate change
I've always been too attached to her, and I hate watching people grow up
And while I'm here complaining about it,
She's the one actually dealing with it
And there are people with worse problems than me, which makes me selfish
So I'm claiming these as selfish days
As an early birthday present
For me
Thanks.
What's funny is that I'm gonna see her again just this weekend
Except that the catch for that one is that it's gonna be called "visiting"
What's funny is that that word used to have a positive meaning
What's also funny is that I always use the words "what's funny is" whenever I'm having difficulty coping with something, because it's certainly not funny, it's tear-jerking, however, since I'm such a funny person, I carefully choose the words "what's funny is," because the obvious alternative to crying is laughing, which I will continue to do for the next few days/years.
Thank you for your patience.



Love,
A little sister

jars

I don't wanna be awake at 3 a.m.
But here's the clock, and here I am
Just blogging about nothing so I don't stress about school
And student council and my birthday and Rebekah leaving soon
And working and driving and all of that stuff
But writing about it's not quite good enough
(I'm supposed to be distracted)
Man, I'm so tired, I wish I could sleep
But I tried for forever, tossing and turning through the sheets
Did my best, but my head won't rest
Like a hummingbird in a sparrow's nest
How is it that whenever I wake up with all my senses
It's at some unearthly time of night?
Why can't I wake up like this in the morning?
That would be pretty nice
This is the worst poem I've ever written
I wish I would just stop
But then all the other stuff will fill my brain again
Wish it would just knock it off
I visualize myself putting those thoughts in jars
That I can open in the morning sometime
But it actually doesn't help at all
They're still running wild through my mind


This is miserable.

My slowing heartbeat keeps track of the time that passes before things get any better

Which, they don't get any better, so it's a little hard to remember what I'm still doing here

Sometimes.

I watched you crawl into my bed
With curses spilling from your head
You said, "we're just the walking dead"
So I pulled the trigger and we floated off

Into the air
Into the air, oh oh
We're in the air
Up in the air, oh oh








Radical Face

Can't help but wonder how this'll all turn out
Give it a year, my heart could be broken too
Though let's not fret for that
Maybe we'll learn to breathe through the stones in our shoes

I never saw this coming last year
The future promises me things I'm not sure I can keep
But you're coming home tomorrow
Maybe when you hold me, you'll feel my lack of sleep

And maybe I can hug the nightmares from your chest
Though our reality's not much better these days
There are storms in the park and shots in the dark
But I think I can make it as long as you stay

Blister.

Funny how time flies when you're with someone you love
Looking at my right hand, the past two weeks have left me
With a bracelet and an open blister
Maybe even a new purpose I'm almost holding onto

This week moves like a flat tire
With a sigh I say, "It's only Monday,"
And Wednesday is the monkey bar I just couldn't reach
We're together, then apart, so now come up to get me


I left something at Messiah's Ranch

Timing.

Heartbroken lover all alone
Crying for the bruises and the reason she has them
"I'll change my ways," he says, then does it again
Finally she's leaving him
But he takes the kids so that she'll never find them
Moving across the country just to make a statement
But just you wait child, says God, just you wait
As she cries in the car, just you wait

Lonely little boy shouldn't have to see
Dad shouting at Mommy on the couch weeping
Only to be taken from Mom, leaving the country
Moving from house to house, never really staying
And when Mom finally finds you
Dad tells you to choose
So you stay with Dad, because what are you supposed to do?
But just you wait, child, just you wait
Your mother thinks of you and prays

They're reunited after years and years
He's nineteen and she's in tears
In Rockwall Texas on solid ground
Because she prayed and He always hears
Little boy had to lose himself in order to find faith



Little girl loves a boy on accident
Don't tell her she does because she will deny it
You know, it makes her hate herself because why oh why
When there's nothing you can do so you close your eyes
But just you wait little girl, just you wait
Get down on those knees and pray
Just you wait

She doesn't even want to hear the test results
Nothing's happening, and everything at once
Why.
It hurts too much, but at the same time she's grown numb
Maybe she just wants to know she's still one of us
That she's allowed to cry whenever she wants
Her Mom and her family and her best friend
Dying for beginnings and crying for ends
But just you wait, just you wait
You'll smile when you look back one day
Just you wait

He beats his guitar at three a.m.
But no one will know 'cause he'll never tell them
Wondering what's keeping him here
Sobbing into his pillow even though nobody hears
Swearing to the closet door he'll run away
Making lists of what he'll take
But just you wait, oh just you wait
You can only see through a little frame,
Just you wait










(I'm not gonna proofread this because I'm too tired.)