Thanks for taking care of me
I know I'm weird these days, I'm sorry
I feel like arrows are coming at me left and right
And my instinct has always been to internalize
Instead of trying to communicate or let it all out
So I hope it doesn't spill over on you when you're around
Everything really hurts, but you're a ray of grace
And I want you to know that you're still my safe place
So thanks for taking care of me
Because I don't think I am, you see

...............

My brother's struggling through it, too
I come home to his discussion with Mom and Dad
We're shaking underneath the chains of the monotony
And they don't waver, they just stay on
But this routine is killing me
And he's trying to crawl out of the cycle
I wish I could save him from it, but I can't even save myself
One day at a time, one day at a time
So I try to change it up
I move the furniture in my room,
I buy a decoration from the World Market,
I try to keep my lavender alive,
I put on makeup now and then,
I redo my blog, because my head is changing (as I told you)
I buy new clothes,
I ask Rebekah about the decades
Anything to keep me moving,
Anything to keep me sane
Anything to make me feel like there's progress, and
Anything to save me from the monotony.

letters

Don't forget you were important to me,
Don't forget you are.
And when the sun sets, closing another day of trying to swallow this heartbreak
And when that song comes on the radio, and I recognize the cold voice of someone who has stood in one of your shoes
And when the leaves fall from their wooden roots, reminding me of all the walks we've taken

You're there.
You're always there.
And this is not only for you,
But tens of other people.
You stay, you all stay, flowing through my bloodstream,
Reaching my brain,
Some of you more often then others,
But you in particular, Baylie,
You always stay.

Always.

Birds

Nothing makes sense until she explains it
She tells me about books, films, and different centuries
She strings out the symbolism in her lacey words
And I know what it means, now I know what it means
She chases away my depression when she comes home
My sour day turns sweet if she enters the room
I'm high off the ground when I'm around her
She makes me think about the otherworldly, saving me from my gloom
You can see God in the air all around her
She pulls me closer to Him, even when she isn't saying a word
Sometimes I wanna ask how to get to Him, since clearly she knows
But I know I've got access, I know I'm already heard
She tells me what everything represents
In the movies that make me think twice
And even if it's not what the filmmaker intended
I know that she's right, she's always right
She knows the world better than the world knows itself
Somehow, she's always ready to learn
Even though she knows more than anyone about anything
So keep learning, keep learning, Rebekah
Maybe then you can explain the world to me

I've tried my best to appeal
To all my bittersweet dreams
Maybe they could sub in
For all the worst parts of me
How come affirmation
Is something I can't win?
I know I'm still breathing
But what am I breathing in?
Am I even coping?
This omen still lingers
Like burgundy nail polish
Chipping off of my fingers
I'm having nightmares again
Dreams mean people are dying
But please always remember
I never stopped trying

Paint

My mind crawls for escape routes and loop holes
But there's nothing there, unless you drive into the sunset
And I can't drive

Searching again for plane tickets and second chances
Whispering, "anything but this, anything but this,
"Anything but this."