The Blog.

And I'm sorry I write about scary things
And I'm sorry I write about blood, it seems
But I can't handle everything
I need a place where I can be.

The Blood.

It came so suddenly
And it knocked the breath right out of me
Now my stars are falling down
And when I look at the night, the night's all I see
To remember a certain face
There are some things you can never replace
So ask me what's wrong again
But I will never know what to say
Let me explain to you what aquiver means
It means that when I finally sleep
All I do is dream and dream
About the most grief-stricken things
And all my fears are what I bleed
And I think and think and think
About the girl who doesn't know that she's gold
About the boy with stories untold
About a girl whose world I stole
About a boy who can't grow old
About a girl I cannot mend
About a boy I call my friend
About a girl whose heart she sent
About a boy who up and left

I'm sorry Mom that I don't sleep sometimes

I absorb emotions at night

People tell me they're not mine

But I'd take a bullet for the friends that stay by my side

(And don't)

And I'm sorry Dad for all the times

You try to get a word from me, and I only cry

Maybe I'm too sensitive for this life

But never think I never try

I discovered how it can rain from the ceiling

It's called an introspective thunderstorm

And the water's what I call feeling

I only wish the walls were all soundproof

So I could let it out sometimes

And I won't let you help with the roof

People teach me about what's wrong

So I learn to recognize each kind of problem

That's when my life becomes like my algebra

'Cause I can't figure out how to solve them

And then they start blurring

Right in front of me

Like they even ever needed

To become more confusing

I told a lie to the mirror once

After sobbing on the bathroom floor

It comes with the rarest personality type

Said I couldn't take it anymore

When do you seek help?

Is it when your thoughts are haunting you

And you don't even know yourself?

So come back here and bleed on a piece of paper

The ink rubs across my hand, telling my head, "You know you shake her."

But once it's down, I'll be okay

And save it for another day

But maybe that's when I should pray

Whenever I feel like a waste

'Cause there's a girl who says they'll never stay

A boy who's feeling quite the same

A girl who's known a world of pain

The boy who says he'll wait and wait

A girl who'll never let me help

A boy trying to know himself

A girl who's trying not to yell

A boy who made me question myself

Don't remind me of the past

I think of it enough

All the things that somehow last

Even thought they're said and done

But maybe I should speak of it

'Cause there's fear

That burrows here

And maybe talking could get rid of it

Don't wish away your life, for me

Don't throw yourself away to see

(That I cared more than anything)

Permission

Sitting alone inside this room
Wishing I could talk to you
Because the night won't ask permission
Before settling so soon

Blades

To start the day
When I'm awake
Keeps getting harder
Just wanna stay
Here where I'm safe
And go no farther

I raise my head
Sit up in bed
And now I'm hurting
Like I'd be dead
Oh, yet again
Before the morning

I try
But I can't seem to grasp it
The thought that I'll be okay
I cannot seem to grasp that
I'll be fine by the end of today

Another day
Another way
I say I'll make it through
A million ways
That you won't stay
But still I'll think of you

Another time
That I will try
To get out of this bed
But it feels
Just all too real
Like I'm being stabbed again

Like there are blades
Stopping me
From getting up again

I try
But I can't seem to grasp it
The thought that I'll be okay
I cannot seem to grasp it
That I'll be fine by the end of today

[So again I hit my knees and pray]

*Groan*

So, how long till "very soon?"
'Cause that's when I'll be seeing you
I'd say I'm sick, 'cause that's the truth
It's gotten bad, but it's not new

Another day without you, friend
Can I just please skip to the end?
I know that this has already been said
But I'm homesick with no medicine

In My Mind

It's quiet out here
They're inside, asleep
And only shadows
Notice me
The cold is biting
I hold my arms
I search for something
Inside my heart
I have ambition,
Courage, and dreams
I'm full of life and
Amazing things
And it makes me sick to my stomach
To know that I'm impossible
To know that if I just had confidence
I would be unstoppable
So I pace away and ponder too much
About the times it ended too soon
I trace my thoughts and the train that left
Leave Tyler screaming in my room
All the words of my life
Are put into such rhymes
And they don't leave my mind
No they won't leave my mind
It's not narcissism
It's the study of me
'Cause once in a while I have to focus
On the inside and what I can't see
And I don't silent my phone at night
Because I have this notion that someone will call me
And ask me to save their life
No, there's nothing wrong with me
But I just might start to think so
If you just keep on asking
Recently it's been in the air
And old feelings come back to me
All the memories that were once there
And the life that I used to lead
I'm hearing things as they once were
Not what they have become
And feeling things as I once did
Despite all that I've done
I love it, in a curious way
But just remember, remember, remember
All those things have gone away
Though you've again heated the embers
The way the sun is suspended in the sky
And the warmth is finally back
The way the moon hangs over me at night
And the night's not completely black
Familiar waters flooding over
But it seems that I can breathe
Swimming in these feelings
All the things that used to be
'Cause there's a part of it that stays with me
And never ever wants to leave
But I'm fine with that as long as I'm
Not ever dying underneath
And when I see you standing there
I see a different you
Someone that I saw before
But somehow always knew
You see, my mind is going off again
Funny thing, that is
'Cause when you're insane you're said to be "out of your mind"
But for me it's when I'm in
Endless days turn into weeks
That fly by all too fast
But if you asked me in the morning
I'd say it always lasts
Sometimes I just wanna
Fall back asleep
'Cause the pain of being awake
Is too much for me
And you know, you were there
When both my eyes were closed
So when I wake with a list of things to do
I find myself alone
Nonsense, nonsense
Here we go
But this is my therapy
I need it, you know
But I guess it's getting pretty late
I guess I should really stop
I guess writing won't help me determine my fate
So I guess I'll sleep, or not

Roller Coaster

Everybody says they know
What they are gonna do someday
And I just laugh
And try not to think about it
As I throw my head back
All my life has been one surprise
With a plot twist 'round every bend
The time I spend
Planning out the details
Really has got to end
Ethan tells me I'm okay
And I believe him almost every time
But once in a while
I start to second guess it
Miles behind my smile
Well, oh well, it'll be alright
'Cause life is just so good today
In every way
So I'll hold the trust I have
And never let it break
Ethan usually turns out to be right
So I guess that I will be alright
Stay in this fight
'Cause I promise you one day
We'll make it out alive

So please be happy tonight
(I'm really happy tonight)

Jar.

I found a little joy
So I put it in a jar
Then I put the jar away
Just to keep my joy from harm
When I put the jar away
It was a place inside my heart
I so wanted my joy safe
So I set it far apart

But when the clouds all move
And the sun is setting right
And you feel the love of God
Shining really all too bright
When there are people that you love
Just within your very sight
Then sometimes your joy explodes
From the jar you kept inside

Sleep Well

She watches the window
And steadily breathes
She clutches her pillow
And hopes you're asleep

Ceiling Fan

First you get cold
Then you get bitter
Then you suck it up because
You won't be called a quitter

Hold it all in
Watch yourself explode
Witness all those things come out
And swear you didn't know

I know that place,
I know that place
I met those problems
Face to face

I know that place,
I know that place
I found myself in
Such disgrace

Take your shoes off
And walk in the dirt
When your feet are covered in mud
Say it's 'cause all the grass hurt

I know that place,
I know that place
I met those problems
Face to face

I know that place,
I know that place
I found myself in
Such disgrace


I know that place.

I'm trying to help.

Dear God.

Dear God
She goes to bed so late, and finds holes in her faith in the morning.
Dear God
She's singing in her head.
Dear God
She trusts you with herself, but not with other people.
Dear God
She just figured that out.
Dear God
She tries to play God and fix everything for everyone else.
Dear God
She needs trust.
Dear God
She drowns herself in pain because she feels that's the only way to help another girl.
Dear God
It doesn't help.
Dear God
Sometimes she sleeps with the blinds open because it makes her feel closer to You.
Dear God
She's learning.
Dear God
Sometimes she opens her eyes when she prays to help her focus, because when she can't see anything her mind travels far, far away.
Dear God
She's self-centered or someone else-centered.
Dear God
Her universe stretches just about as far as she gets every night without sleeping.
Dear God
She confesses in third person.
Dear God
She stayed up too late writing this because maybe she can't find any other way to say anything.
Dear God
I know You'll save her
I know You'll save her

Air

I don't know what it is
Maybe it's the warm air
Or the sight of the sky
It's all so great out there

But this place feels like home
Summer taste in my mouth
When we pull up to the yard
Open the doors and get out

And they all arrive
So tired and worn
Yet bursting with joy
We've been here before

This is so familiar
And it feels so right
When a certain vehicle
Enters into sight

My heart just might leap up
As it maybe always does
But my smile this time is seen
By the smiling one

Harbinger

There is something

So much bigger.

Level of Loud

The pillow sits there late tonight
Untouched, not bothered, but in my sight
I wonder if I used it and closed my eyes
I'd fast-forward to morning light
And thus my mind travels far away
Till I'm dreaming of another day
I've gotta get this workload out of my way
"God help me get through," I pray and I pray
I see myself on a road
Setting my baggage down
'Cause it's making me slower
And helping me drown
But alas; soon enough
It's back in my arms
I'm safe from protection
And open to harm
These are the days
That I'm taking this road
And when I focus
On where I will go
I pick up the burdens
And don't even know
Holding these problems
And half I don't own
Yeah, all of this baggage is
Slowing me down
On the days I get tired
But won't turn around
When my screams and my words are
Both the same sound
But each has a different
Level of loud
It's a trust issue Emily,
Now you're open about it
You don't trust Him enough
So get on your knees and shout it
It's time to make a move
It's time to let them go
It's time to let Him choose
Where He wants you to go
So I'll go
Anywhere You want,
Anywhere You want,
Anywhere You want me
So I'll go
I'll go
Twelve o' clock break down
Oh, this is fun
Time to watch her cry out
And I'll pray till she's done
Too many things here
That she can't go through
Guess it takes a while for her
To learn she doesn't have to
Soon enough she's on her feet
Only a few tears tonight
Maybe her trust starts to build
And she's still got a fight
If she is me then I am weak
But You're the only strength I seek
Through You I'm strong, it's never me
And Father, that's why I'm on my knees
The pillow sits there late tonight
Untouched, not bothered, but in my sight
I wonder if I used it and closed my eyes
I'd fast-forward to morning light

Long Enough

If I asked anyone this morning
Then they would tell me that nothing's wrong
The only thing that they don't realize
Is just how painful it is you're gone
"I won't miss you,"
Oh, the words in my head,
I'm such a liar now
So I don't say it again
What a strange and new sensation
This whole "being in this place"
If someone would have told me a year ago
I might've punched them in the face
So is it true?
That I'm in this world today?
Because I feel like my life might be
An imaginary, little place I've made
And it's strange how it plays out
'Cause really today
The one tragic thing's that
You're planets away
But maybe it isn't all that far
I guess it depends on perspective now
But I don't really know
The memories of you are just awfully loud
I'll get up
And I'll walk to the mirror and see
That girl is brave or
Just some messed up version of me
But I'll wait for the moment
And push through the day
I'll do it so long
Long enough to call it brave
And just when they tell me that I've won
I'll come to a battle that's oh so long
And now this is getting old
If I fight then am I strong?
So today is today
And I'll make it on through
Still kind of upset that
I'm not there with you
But some days you've gotta let it go
Because soon enough you won't be alone
But I am just so good
At holding on to you
So once again I'll say
We'll make it through

Sanity

So remind me once again
That all the things inside my head
Can all be replaced instead
Of consuming me when I lie in bed

You'll ask me if I'm okay
My reminder for today
That I still have a place
In reality's clearer space

'Cause honestly
Oh, in all honesty
I just fall away sometimes
And I'm not sure what's left of me

Yeah, honestly
Oh, in all honesty
I forget the day some nights
And you are my sanity

I echo my own shouts
The quiet's really loud
And oh, I've got to get out
Before I can break down

'Cause honestly
Oh, in all honesty
I just fall away sometimes
And I'm not sure what's left of me

Yeah, honestly
Oh, in all honesty
I forget the day some nights
And you are my sanity

We'll contemplate today
And laugh because the way
It sounds right in this place

It seems our hearts just wait
Both thinking of a phrase
The things that we can't say

But honestly
In all honesty
I forget the day some nights
And you are my sanity

An Eight-Year-Old's Goodbye

I was introduced to death
At a fairly early age
When three grandfathers
Went and passed away

I shook his freezing hand
Maybe I was too young
But I understood
That he wasn't done

Through the years I wondered
What it would be like
To have just one grandfather
With me in my life

One in particular
Loved me way too much
I guess I never thought that
His lifeline could be touched

This is no time for mourning
Or thinking of that
But I miss him dearly
And I can't get him back

She talked to the tree sometimes
He poured out his problems
She gave him advice

She taught him how to pull through
She felt very needed
She hoped it was true

She talked to the tree sometimes
She got out the rake
When all his leaves died

She watched as these new leaves grew
He was so grateful
The tree in his youth

I guess along the way she forgot
You can't confide in a tree
Something goes wrong

And with all those pretty new leaves
She was no longer needed
Replaced by new things

She still talks to the tree sometimes
But she just listens
All quiet and nice

Cautious

You usually know
How much it can hurt
I just don't wanna
Get blood on your shirt

Ever Silent

I used to write rhymes with the intent of a grade

But now I just do it so that I don't break

Or at unearthly times when I'm still wide awake

There's no art to this, there's too much to say

The words aren't English, and they might as well

Be written in Hungarian, Chinese, or Welsh

Because they mean nothing to anyone else

So I come to my public blog and write to myself

I pour out the truth right here at this desk

It comes through my eyes, a ripping ache in my chest

In confusing rhymes, you don't know I confess

But it's here all the same, and I'm never at rest

They're arguing and they don't know what about

But they need someone somehow to witness their shouts

That cover the screams and the fears and the doubts

But I'm just relieved the sun's finally out

There, however, are shadows that make me less sure

'Cause inside's alright just as much as under

Would I give the nod if you gave me the word?

Because there in my bloodstream, there's always her

She emails my sister and smiles at me

But I look in her eyes and the pain's all I see

And there's reason 1 of why I can't sleep

I'm getting too deep, I'm getting too deep

Sleep's just another task on the list

One I can't cross out as much as I wish

I never said a word, or made a promise

I never did a thing, I never asked for this

They tell me to let go of this thought of mine

And that I'll have peace if I just give her time

But if you had much sense then you'd see she's not fine

They tell me to forget her, but that would be a crime

I can't let go you see, because she's still hurt

I could not even if you gave me the world

To forget is my fear, 'cause I know that girl

Doesn't deserve to be forgotten like prints in the dirt

A paradox, it is, the fear of forgetting

"So forget your fears," but I'll end up regretting

They don't understand, but I feel they're all betting

"How long will she last?" and I feel the stage setting

But I'm not here to ask for your pity

I'm just stuck inside the process of admitting

That I'm just one face in this enormous city

Where people wear masks over the faces they're forbidding

That's the thing with me, I'm a little too real

Even if all of my pain is concealed

If I pretend not to think or to feel

I won't pretend to be you, and there's my truth, sealed

There was this question that I used to ask

I groaned to myself, "How long will this last?"

I tried to hold on as I was fading fast

But I've learned to keep my head up and swear it'll pass

So I gotta be strong in times such as these

Where I can't communicate to you what I mean

Where there's a large list of all of the things

That they can't yet understand, or ever, it seems

I carry these burdens and lay them down with words

That's why a blog; not as much the rhythmic lure

This took too long, but it's for when it hurts

To be ever silent, and not to be heard

#epicfailofthelifeaward

I'm sorry, man, it's just too hard sometimes.
I don't expect you to understand, but this is my life.

Protector

Maybe, maybe,
I was waiting
And do daily
I am fading

Maybe, maybe,
You can't see me
And you've got eyes
But are they working?

I'm the protector
I save your life
I guess you can't see that when
You don't see me fight

But here I am, regardless
With an invisible sword
You have watched me sharpen it
But you don't know what it's for

She screamed at night
But you never heard
If you want me to disappear
Then just give me the word

Once in a While There's a Little Rhyme in Your Head That Explains a Big Part of Your Life

I would be asleep by now
If my head wasn't so loud

Bandage

Sirens
Blaring yards away and
Future
Becoming now today
Explosions
Knocking out the life and
We're just
Trying to survive but
Dreamers
Aren't taken alive
They're not taken alive
They're not taken alive

Glass shards
Burning in my hands and
You're still
Trying to understand
But we sink
In this town of fire
You know
Our situation's dire
But they turn
Around and call us liars
I think I'm bleeding fire
We've been labeled "liars"

Bullets
Flying through the air
They're dropping
Bombs on everywhere and
You stop
To bandage up my hands
And I cry
'Cause I don't understand but
Maybe
We wrote in the sand
Don't need a plan
Don't need a plan

Pitchforks
And screaming in the distance
I hear your
Heartbeat when I listen
They start
Showering us with curses
You ignore
And I never heard it
Tell me
That nobody is perfect
Was this even worth it
I know it was worth it

Destruction
Is this city's name and
Rubble
And buildings are the same
Fingers
Pointed in the fuss and
Louder
'Cause nothing here is just
But it wasn't us
It wasn't us

[dear thought]

Here's the train
Go away.

Chasm

Oh,
They're just kids
They'll figure it out

Oh,
They're just kids
So let them shout

Oh,
They're just kids
Just let them fall

Oh,
They're just kids
Let them risk it all

Oh,
They're just kids
Watch 'em break down

Oh,
They're just kids
They'll figure it out

Pencil

Maybe my heart stopped
As I started to look down
Because pencils frighten me
I don't know what comes out

The wood is in my hand
And I'm scratching with graphite
All the things upon my heart
It moves to sheets of white

Take a moment and look back
How did that get there?
Surely that was not from me
And confusion causes stares

Awake Too Early

The freezing night
Has come to a close
But I know the sun,
It never rose
And the sky is gray
Stains are on the window
From the times that it cried
And maybe snowed

I used to love
The chilly wind
And the cold
Has been my friend
But this winter
That came to an end
And I search for warmth
But shiver again

Paint

If I had blue paint
I'd take it to the window
'Cause gray just seems so dead

If I had blue paint
I'd chase away the shadows
But I only have red

Antigone

Antigone, Antigone

I'm with you to the end, you see

And when the guards come beckoning

I promise I will never leave

Antigone, Antigone

Rebellion would set us free

But we won't see the day dawning

When we could change those we don't please

Antigone, Antigone

A noose can stop the breath we breathe

But it can't stop the just and clean

I won't leave you like they left me

Antigone, Antigone 

I'm not who I'm supposed to be

Where is my identity?

I think Antigone is me

[an-tig-uh-nee]

Twelve o' Two

How can I ever sleep tonight

Someone's gonna lose their life

They say don't let your worry drive

But the wheel's too fast to hold so tight

I drew a picture of my nights

If it could chase away my frights

Then I'd be drawing all the time

Telling me "Well, it just might."

He told me that he hates goodbyes
Forgetting's never been alright
He told me that he hates goodbyes
And so do I, and so do I