Chest

My footsteps 

Follow trails

I didn't think I'd walk down

It's a path

I didn't choose

But gladly

Accepted

Because

You know

I 

Violently 

Shoved

Away

Any 

Hope

I locked it

Into a chest

And sent it

Off to sea

In a leaking

Pirate ship

I never

Let

Myself think

About how much

I wanted that

Hope back

Never.

So if you ask me

If I would have 

Chosen

These trails I'm on

I maybe

Would cry

Unable

To express

Just 

How

Much

I wanted this

And the hope

I sent away

And I would tell you

Defintely.

That chest

Was opened 

Again

And my hopes

Flooded 

Back out 

Gushing

From the pirate ship

That I had sunk

And with the

Help of the wind

They found me

Again

And this time

I 

Locked them

In my own chest

They were 

There

To stay.

Here

A lovely seed

In

My heart

But

Everyone should know

I didn't 

Simply

Inherit

Hope.

It was 

A process

It was

A storm

Like trying to

Fall back asleep

In the midst of

An endless 

Hurricane 

And when you can

Finally sleep again

All you get

Are nightmares

I

Went through

Much.

However,

That was

The hurricane 

That

Sunk my 

Pirate ship

And two years later

My hope tumbled out again

I had

Missed it

It came to me

And buried itself

Inside

To only grow

Like the trees on the sides

Of these trails I'm on.

Bricks.

Brick by brick,
You're tearing down my wall
A wall I made so long ago
To keep out you and all

And I can feel it, soon enough,
This wall of mine will fall

Tape

And frustration grips me
 Why can't they see me?
 How is there so much
 That I simply can't be?


Why is this not enough?
 I pull out my flaws
 I tape them to paper
 And I count them all

Life in Color

It opened up a door
And a whole world just flooded through
Nothing I had known before
This place had skies of not just blue

An orange I cannot explain
Soft and light, like a beautiful heart
And I see it every day
That we aren't far apart

Twirl.

In a kingdom far away
Across the ocean and past a few days
To the right of the sunset, down stars out of place
Is where she abides, and where she will stay

And quietly, she twirls her hair
Twirling also the thoughts of if you were there
And if you were, well why would you care?
Do you even see the cloak of insignificance she wears?

In a kingdom too far away
Is where you are, and where you will stay
She thinks and she writes and she waits and she waits
'Cause she lives in a castle, but she's only a maid

All of her friends wear gowns of all gems
And she doesn't compare, but is grateful for them
Because how could the princesses of their own kingdoms
Be friends with the girl in the cloak of torn hems?

Inside of her mind, inside of her head
She turns these things over again and again
There's still so much that just hasn't been said
Inside of that cloak she just doesn't know yet

The Art of Missing You

Like a sickness in my soul
That similar ache inside my heart
An infection that took hold
And begins swelling when you depart

This is the art of missing you
I only see you in the night
But when I wake it's even worse
Than it had been in previous light

Hesitant

It's a battle
A struggle
I'm fragile
I don't know who's winning
My love is
Not thinning
Every moment I awake
From the sleep that overcomes
When the morning always takes
Me from the dreams that will succumb
I ponder of the moments
Created by my head
And after a while I realize
Exactly what they meant
It took me forever this time
But it hit me by midday
The significance of last night
And it blew me all away
I was shocked to find the truth
Because of what I've seen before
My heart was always hesitant
I shouldn't have expected much more
You see, you always intervene
I've always let you save me scars
But last night wasn't the same
Something was wrong just on my part
Well, confusion took hold right then
And I was trying to figure it out
But I slipped and my path was to end
I knew I was going straight down
That's when a hand reached to me
It was yours, and I was afraid
I didn't want to take you down as well
And you tried, but I wouldn't be saved
Most nights I let you
So I didn't understand
Why I let myself fall
When you let out your hand
And with everything inside you
With every fiber within
You came right to my rescue
But I was scared that you would slip

Invasion

How curious
You were there again
Invading my nightmares
To help me escape from them

It's funny
How often this happens
I cannot see a light
And then you step on in

My Goodnight

If I take back my goodnight
If I hadn't said goodbye
If I'd promised to reside
If I tell you that it's fine

If I only told you dear
That it feels like it's been years
If I take back my goodnight
Then would you still be right here?

A World

But it wasn't sleep who claimed me that night
It was a plunge into darkness, a lack of the light
And no matter how long I closed my eyes
They'd always end up open wide

I felt it once upon a time
In a world where I could sleep just fine
In a world where I knew that you were alright
But it wasn't this world who claimed me that night

Rose

She's stronger than I am
Of that I'm certain
And now she faces seventeen
I hope she understands
That she is worth it
She is worth everything

Brave
My dear, you are brave
The courage it takes
Is courage your heart will muster

Making wishes as we walk
I wish to grant them
Does she know I care for her?
And she pauses as she talks
She takes it in
Does she feel her little sister?

Brave
My dear, you are brave
The courage it takes
Is courage your heart will muster

(today)

I'll just say

That today

Was so nice

And so great

And my heart

Is so ready 

I'm tired of

Holding

I'll just say

I'm awake 

And I missed
You today 

Even though

Oh, I know

I saw you a few 

Hours 

Though it still

Seemed so fast

You were gone

It was past

Why does it

Never last?

Why are there

Goodbyes here?

Words you said

In my head

I replay

Today's events

And I know

All I know

Is that tomorrow's coming

Who you are

In your heart 

Made me happy

From the start

And today

Oh, today

You were gone and I missed you

A Little While

A simple poem could never explain
Just exactly what I want to say
But here I am, and here's a poem
And there you are, so here we go

My whole world has turned around
A few different times this year, I found
And it has changed just for the best
When I say best, I mean more than the rest

Well, things always get tough again
And "life turns plans up on their heads"
But I will always come to tears
Because you tell me that you're here

This is nothing that I ever planned
And honestly I don't understand
Everything that I cannot write
About how you hold my heart so tight

But ignore this for a little while
As I tell about just why I smile
And closing now this poem I wrote
So many things you still don't know

Hope

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.


Psalm 27:13-14

I'm all worn out
Don't let me drown
You held me then
You hold me now

But He Can.

Everything I once knew
Is crumbling before my very eyes
And all happiness splits down the middle
While I tell myself it's alright
It would be one thing if I could run
Or if I could fly, just so far away
But those hopes are shattered and gone
This is something I cannot escape
I've given all my heart
All my mind and all of me
I tried to fix this place
But I'm just in the way, you see
Ah, this place
This place I call home
Oh, this place I call home
Is an ocean of tears
Now I am alone
Alone with my fears
It's now all too clear
It's now all too near
So much I can't handle
So much all right here
I failed again this morning
Broke a promise to myself
Broke everything inside me
Broke down in front of someone else
It was worse than ever this time
I was sinking as I cried out
But if we look on the bright side
At least my eyes are clean now
Well, right when I want to teach
I find that it would seem
I'm the one that needs to see
That needs to learn just how to breathe
And all I've tried to put away
Lurks over me day after day
I'm not sure how much more I can take
I die to be strong, and I only break
Those little boys will need someone
And I have to be there for them
But all they see is an unstable teen
Who falls apart at everything
And I want to be the shoulder she cries on
But I'm the one crying, my steadiness gone
She wouldn't come to me, though I wish that she did
Because in her eyes I am only a kid
I don't blame her for that
I won't blame anyone
This is harder than ever
I'm not giving up
But the effort that I put in
Will just drag me down again
And anxiety, I know, is my sin
I am fighting, I can't see a win
I love You God with all my heart
But sometimes You just feel so far
I can't rest anywhere down here
Just let me rest in You
Oh God, be near
I'll be speaking tomorrow
The things I need to know
Talking somewhat to myself
Teaching me how to let go
Though I'm doing this for them
Even if it doesn't show
That they'll even take it in
But You'll speak through me, I hope
There's no one here that I can run to now
Not at this moment
So again, I beg that You'd be here
That I'd feel Your presence and hold it
Instead of the billion other things
Tied on weights to my ankles and wrists
I've been dragging them around and
To be free is my one wish
So let this be an example
To those who think I've got it together
Read these words and realize
That there are storms that I still cannot weather

Coke Truck

I used to wish upon the Coke trucks
That I saw driving by
Just a kid with my two brothers
We wished that we could fly

It became a natural habit
See the red, look to the sky
Whisper what would never happen
And then move on with my life

I took it with me through the years
That silly tradition I made up
And while prayers claimed most of my dreams
Upon a Coke truck was still one

These days I see those red trucks
Remember all that I wished for
And smile to myself 'cause
I'm not wishing anymore

no idea

You have no idea
And maybe I like it that way
I laugh to myself sometimes
These thoughts running through my brain
This is a little piece of nonsense
At night the truth comes out
I learn so much from myself
Rereading things I've written down
You say you don't like to promise
But I think that your eyes do
'Cause they promise I'm not abandoned
Every time that I see you

Too Much

Some things I can't say
I can only write
Just not in the day
I wait until the night
She said,
"Oh great, I've said too much.
"Well this is just superb.
"Every time I open up
"Is a time that I get hurt."
Too much, too much
I'm shaking my head
Too much, too much
I'm holding my thread
And I lie here in bed
Asking can I just run now?
Can I run instead?
Again, this is exhausting
Not like it'll change
I swear they'll never notice
No matter what I say
The shadow I've been is fading
I'm somebody, I think
I'm just so tired of chasing
You miss me when you blink
Too much, too much
I'm holding this weight
Too much, too much
I think I might break
It's far too much
Gotta lay it down again
Gotta trust the One
Instead of living in my head
Repeatedly I'm at the cross
Crying again for what I've lost
But crying more for what I've gained
'Cause I can't carry all this weight
But He said His arms were strong
So all my burdens, they belong
In His arms and not in mine
I hold too much and I will die
So now I'm giving You control
Of all my fears, my sorrows, my soul
You once said I was more than gold
And then you took the things I hold

Grasp.

Walking, face to the wind
You swear under your breath
Saying you'll never win
And the agony's a sin
Can you ever get it back?
The childhood that you miss?
But look around, what's going on?
We're holding the things
We should lay at the cross
And I'm screaming I'll slip and I'll fall
But where is my faith?
Have I any at all?
We study until the headaches
But what's the point if all we learn
Is how quickly we can break?
Well, we'll get through it all someday
Everything we can't find
Everything we can't say
I know you and what you can take
Want to know someone
Is there that'll stay
And I'm telling you I won't just change
No, I am here
And I won't walk away
Still, we search for air at night
Coughing, gasping
Why aren't we right?
The days drag
And at the same time, they fly
But we're doing the same thing
And our life seems to die
We found ourselves grown
Our hearts maybe broke
We never spoke
Can you keep a secret?
I stopped breathing a long time ago
And my hands held on tightly
With so much strength and good grip
And they weren't shaking
I would never even slip
But I looked and I noticed
I lifted my head
And the rope that I held there
Was only a thread
Good thing the Son
Was holding my lungs
There's a point in your life
When you know, you realize
That you cannot disguise
You can't compromise
You must make a change
So a change then I made
Doesn't mean I don't shatter,
Just means I have grace
'Cause those hands were mine
That's why I lost time
That's why I quit breathing
Why I nearly died
Now the hands are so strong
They're put into my songs
The One that made mine
Is the One that holds on

Familiar

Oh, look, we've done this before
Once, twice, a couple more
And yet I'm so clumsy here on this floor
Unable to tell the next move that's in store

Oh, look, I think we've been here
But I'm so glad, I won't let it disappear
'Cause it feels like since last time it's been fifty years
And this scene once again just might move me to tears

Bittersweet

They strummed through the night
Their fingers would move
And both of their voices
Sang different tunes

He begged for therapy
She sang of youth
Sad, and yet happy
Because they both knew

Two halves of two hearts
Hurt, but not done
Two halves of two hearts
Fit together as one

torn

If there's one thing I know
It's that I still hope
And I try to hold
What I can't control

Fragments of hearts before me
These are the things that tore me
And I will always try desperately
To fix everyone and everything

I know how they feel, I understand
And with all I have, I'll do what I can
Till I'm sure that I can no longer stand
But it seems that all is out of my hands

"...sometime."

Saying,
"Wait, wait!
"Let me explain!
"I need to tell him
"Before I fall away!"
But I think, I'm afraid,
It's already too late
And I wanted to stay
But now I'm awake

Pulled Away

But the alarm clock is merciless
And I can't tell you goodbye
Before I'm woken up

Shatter

But how did you see me
When I was hiding in the shadows?
And how could you notice
That my heart wasn't shallow?

All I did was disappear
That's all I did in every day
How did you know I was here?
I hardly got the chance to say

"Look at her, don't look at me
"I having nothing to speak of
"There is no one here to see
"There is no one to be loved."

And it was afterwards I realized
Just how much I wanted to be seen
Maybe a set of sharp eyes
Would break the distance that I keep

Through My Head

Awake
Awake again
Opened eyes
At four a.m.

Cold
It's cold again
Curl up tightly
In my bed

You
There's you again
Thoughts of you
Run through my head

Why four a.m.?
It makes no sense!
Up again, like,
"What the heck?"
Why's four the time
Of opened eyes?
In sleepless nights
Of senseless rhymes?
Why's four the time
I love and despise?
Of which I write?
Just curious, why?

Long Live

Long live the things I haven't said
For they will come out soon
And I'll explain what words cannot
In all expressed to you

No One Home

Drained
Sucked away
In a moment
Slowly fade

Keep
Energy
Don't know what's going on
With me

Something is wrong here
She's not breathing

But I'll be here
Just in case you
Decided to