Your mind will say,
"Hello Worthless."

You do not respond to that name, understand me?

Yours Truly

After watching little films
Of when we were young
I guess I have much to think about
Since I've all but grown up

I'm losing moments
And gaining speed
What will I have to show for it?
My life in my teens?

We don't take videos anymore
My journal is usually quite rejected
I guess I'll have this beaten blog
Though on it my moments aren't perfected

So here's hello to future me
If you find this eventually
Or if you still post on it, maybe
But just don't delete it, promise me

I don't know where my life is headed
To be honest, I can't picture me at any job I've seen
I can do the work, but what will I excel in?
All my interests include creativity

Where you are now, I'm not sure
But I know God is still holding you
If you feel like letting go yet
Please remember what you once knew

I don't know if your best friends
Are still walking by your side
But I know if someone left, it wasn't you
And I constantly pray they won't leave you behind

So here's hello to future me
If you find this eventually
Or if you still post on it, maybe
Just don't delete it, pretty please

This is another one of those
Funny "teenage angst" things
Maybe you'll laugh and show your husband
Maybe it'll be something he's already seen

Or maybe you'll be the same as me
As I am right now, all sentimental
Keep reading back and soon you'll see
I've been known to call it semi-mental

This is to my future kids
Darlings, I love you already
You've got several years of prayer on you
'Cause I've been praying endlessly

Be patient with your mother, please
'Cause she can be a bit dramatic ;)
I'm excited to know you one day
If you get my genes, you'll be fantastic



Well.. here's goodbye to future me
And my husband, dear, you too
To all my kids, so long for now
Guess I could say I'll see you soon.

Gratitude.

I am thankful for the Love of my life rising from the dead.
I am thankful that I can look at Ethan with a sad expression in the car, and he will know that I am listening to the lyrics of the song playing.
I am thankful that I was pushed into a swimming pool by Nick years ago.
I am thankful that no matter what I say or feel, I am heard by the One I always want so desperately to be heard by.
I am thankful that my mother helps save lives; not only at the Pregnancy Resource center, but also here at home.
I am thankful for the trees that line one of the roads to my house.
I am thankful that Hope understands me.
I am thankful that Rebekah has ambitions and energy that have been pumped into me as well.
I am thankful for my father being playful and protective.
I am thankful for the times Alex has asked me if anything was wrong, even when I didn't tell anyone my world was caving in.
I am thankful for that night on Grace's roof.
I am thankful for eleven kids showing up in a small living room on a night that was almost cancelled out of fear.
I am thankful that Isaac is writing a book.
I am thankful for a beautiful blonde on my soccer team ages ago.
I am thankful for a rock by a water slide.
I am thankful that Baylie can rant to me and cry to me about how life is so beautiful in the same day.
I am thankful for all the moments that have hurt, and the years I spent quietly wishing I didn't exist.
I am thankful for the time I was up in a tree on a cool Saturday morning watching my brother and his football team at practice.
I am thankful for a girl I've had almost my whole life, and my only friend in Surge.
I am thankful for not knowing the difference between leaves and feathers as a child.
I am thankful for manual labor with my brothers and Dad (because they don't ask Rebekah to do that stuff).
I am thankful for a homeschool pool party I was dragged to.
I am thankful for a Mission Arlington that made me cry out of fear because I thought I was all alone.
I am thankful for talking to a pretend therapist in my room.
I am thankful for a trip to Colorado and running about outside with wet hair.
I am thankful for 80's night at Anchorage.
I am thankful for the day I got my ukulele.
I am thankful for the lanyards hanging from my closet doorknob.
I am thankful for the friends I had as a kid.
I am thankful for switching churches and hating it and my life being challenged.
I am thankful for Lacey.
I am thankful for the night I knelt by my bedside, facing the window, and sobbed to God, asking Him to change it.
I am thankful that He did not.
I am thankful for Izzy's honesty.
I am thankful for Facebook conversations.
I am thankful for going to California and being horribly lonely.
I am thankful for resolved drama at summer camp.
I am thankful for tornado warnings.
I am thankful for that Rangers game.
I am thankful for hair as thin as paper.
I am thankful for buses driving slightly unstable kids to a place that they would grow closer to God, and maybe even form an unbreakable bond with each other.
I am thankful for slide whistles.
I am thankful for lyrics that hit home and make me hate and love the song at the same time.
I am thankful for starting a blog and pouring life and death onto the pages.

I am thankful for you.

My dreams have been too vivid
I think I'm in too deep
If they try to talk to me
Let them know I cannot speak
'Cause words don't work
They say time heals
So tell that to all the useless
Emotions I feel.

They're Only Scars.

The teacher pulled out a wrapped present from his backpack, complete with a red bow.
"This," he begins, "this is forgiveness.  It is a gift."
The first-through-third-graders huddled around him, staring at it.
"Forgiveness?" asked one child quietly.  Since many of the kids were murmuring among themselves, no one really noticed him say anything except for me.  The teacher continued to explain forgiveness.
"It should be bright," the little boy went on.  "Forgiveness is always bright."

Noticing a thing

I am not a girl of comparison.  Most girls are taken by envy, I venture to say, but I am not.  I'm not bragging, either, I have my flaws.  Just stating honestly.  I hardly get jealous.


However, there is one person that I compare myself to consistently.  Just one.  It is my sister.  I know this, because on days that she is dressed simply and I look boss, it is better to be dressed simply.  Furthermore, on days that she looks boss and I am dressed simply, it is far better to look boss.  It is better to go all-out punk.  It is better to pick a style.  It is better to listen to older music.  It is better to do yoga.  It is better to babysit all the time to make money.  It is better to watch old movies and be cultured.  It is better to get a double piercing.  It is better to wear makeup.
Now, these things don't eat at me.  I just notice.  And I notice that I notice.  That's why I'm writing about it.  I don't think this is envy.  It's natural for teenage girls to compare themselves to others, so I know that just because I compare myself to my sister, that doesn't mean she is better than me.  I am utterly happy with who I am.  It just gets under my skin that she seems better to me.  My comparison never turns into jealousy and hatred, it turns into a deep admiration, and once in a while a slight wish to be more like that person.
I just had to write about it.

rutilant

I've known her since I was little.  Real little.  Six, maybe...?  Seven?  I remember her kindness.  That's what people always say about her.  Over the years, however, I've found more.
Her opinions are well-thought.  She voices feelings and ponders questions, questions that collect under that dark hair of hers and swirl around.  They make their way down her veins, searching for answers.  The side of her hand is sometimes stained from verbalizing possible answers to those questions with ink in her diary.  Sometimes the words beam through her fingers as she types at night on a blog I check several times a day.  Sometimes her words just float to outer space.
She enjoys hiding behind the frames over her eyes.  I see through most of the time, but I usually don't say anything.
Her gait can be uncertain sometimes, as though the wind just might blow her in any direction, but as soon as she sees a loved one, the wind is irrelevant.  Her pace fills with energy and purpose as she moves towards the person that must be held dear somewhere in her heart.
Some days it's a flowing sweater, some days it's a tee and bright, poppy tennis shoes.  The vocal chords she strikes are used to say deep things, soft things, sweet things, funny things, encouraging things.  Yes, she is kind.  When pushed, however, she rises to a place that moves everyone to respect her.  Her hair clears from her eyes, her doubt clears from her voice, and she knows what she is talking about.  One would be wise to never mess with her friends.  If you mess with her, she may let it go, but the moment your comment lowers someone in her arms, it's over.  The defense she maintains for her friends is unwavering.
She knows Him.  She's holding on.

Shelters

His eyes are like the autumn leaves

Crumpled underneath her feet

But deeper, and more vibrant, too

Captivating through and through

Her hair blows back and forth, and sometimes 

So it is with her very mind

But the things she finds upon her shoulders

Somehow vanish when he holds her

The trees shoot skyward as someday they will

He says he'll carry her world when she's had her fill

And he skips stones across the brooke

The boy she loves, in his storybook

They could stay there forever,

Oh, if they could stay there forever

His voice is her favorite symphony heard

As he ventures to rescue his dear Wendy-bird 

Faces

People always used to say,
"I hope our friendship stays the same."
I never knew what they meant till today
But now I've seen a different face
Because people, they change
And then go away
Some only stay
Until it rains
Friends turn to gossips
Their siblings lose hope
You stop getting invited
And warm hugs turn cold
Parents divorce
Best friends die
Pessimism swells
Nobody tries
Everybody takes every single word the wrong way
And everyone leaves the one who could have been saved
Girlfriends fall apart
Then break the boyfriend's heart
Or the other way around,
But I can't listen to the sound
Anymore
It's like they tied me to a chair
And after making friends with me there
Walked out the door
And I had another dream last night
Where I doubted your friendship again
But you swooped in and saved the day
And told me that we'd never end
You know, I never wanna send you that text
That says, "I prayed for you again,"
The one I send to all the friends
Who have gone away and left me behind
Though I'm still trying to find
The words to make them change their minds




(Bit of something I wrote the other week.)

Hallucinating

Find myself a bit perplexed

And, as always, far from you

Because it takes a while to sleep at night

But this is what happens when I do

Happy Love Poem!

I was supposed to stir the gumballs around in a glass bowl, so that they wouldn't stick together while heating.  Whatever that means.  The Arzes were coming over, and we were preparing, even though this wasn't our house...  And I'm not quite sure why we were serving gum balls.
Stirring the gumballs, I went to plug in the heater.  Then Mom asked me to prepare some coconut dish, too.  I did so, slightly perplexed at the situation, and when I got back to the gumballs, they were a pink, sugary glob.  I sighed in defeat and told Mom.  Dad laughed, and Mom said she might be able to fix it.  The Arzes would be there soon.  But I never saw your face.
I'm not sure what happened.  Things changed, I guess, and soon enough I was with a group of people I didn't know in the slightest.  We were outdoors, in a desolate, bleeding city.  We were just trying to survive.  From who?
Well, zombies.
I didn't think of this as the apocalypse at the time.  But I mean, there were morbid-looking dead people limping around biting everyone alive, only to infect them as well, so I guess apocalypse didn't sound far from it...  Hair torn out, teeth missing, limbs hanging, guts spilling.  Blood everywhere.  You know, the usual zombie.  Except for one thing:  they are in no way as easy to slaughter as everyone pretends they are when they're right in front of you.
This was hardly a strategy-based apocalypse.  It was more of a, "run for your life, they're everywhere and everyone is dead."  Luckily for me, I had no attachments around.  That fact also happened to eat at me more than the zombies might have, since because I was nowhere near my loved ones, I couldn't save them if they needed saving.  I didn't have too much time to think about that, though, I was busy not dying.
The sun was low in the sky; I remember running.  There were live people in front of me, some behind me, and rows of white warehouses on my left.  We were on the edge of the city, running towards the middle.  Ish.  I was unarmed, and so were most of the people around me, so we continued sprinting away from the zombies.  Some fell behind.
Eventually, we seemed to have enough distance between us and them, so we stopped to catch our breath.  Which was probably toxic.  We kept an eye out, though.  The dead people didn't only travel in groups.  They were anywhere and everywhere, and impossible to get away from entirely.
Darkness filled the sky, filling our hearts with dread, and filling the group with nervous murmurs.  Shadows cast up against the warehouses still on our left.  The air cooled down, and I was almost becoming numb to the lovely smell of blood and rotting things.
My fingers ran through my hair, keeping my bangs out of my eyes.  I found myself more towards the edge of the band of survivors.  There were probably about thirty to forty people besides me.  I'm not sure why I stood there, maybe it was just my sucky instinct of freaking self-sacrifice.
A scream burst from the opposite side of the group.  The rest of us watched in terror as one man was dragged behind one of the warehouses.  If the fact that I was standing at the edge of the group because of self-sacrifice, that was irrelevant when it was time to run.  I took off.  About ten other undead oddities appeared from behind the warehouses, but I didn't stop to shake hands.  Some of the men laughed about how there were only ten and we shouldn't run.
Right.  And it takes only one of them to end your life.
Some of the armed people stood their ground, but most headed in my direction.  We weren't a team.  We just had a common goal.
 Somehow some of the zombies were gaining on us.  Seeing one of my neighbors experience an unfriendly bite, I veered to the left and leaped onto a large trash bin.  Someone was on my tail, and judging by the vomiting sounds, it was my good buddy Cannibal.  Trying not to panic, I climbed onto the roof of the warehouse before me, pulling my legs up after me like nothing else.  There were people already on the roof.  I heard the dying noises right behind me and dove forward, ignoring the people in my way.  There was a sudden whack and a splattering sound.  I whirled around to witness the zombie fall off the roof, and one dude back away with a bloody hockey stick, or something.  I jumped to my feet and met a gun pointed at my head.
Great.  Because what we really need in a zombie apocalypse is survivors turning on each other.
This is one of the only complete thoughts I had during this time.
Behind the trigger was a boy probably a bit older than me, with two other boys at his side, and a girl in front of them.  All probably around the same age.  They muttered something to the girl.
"Alright," said one yahoo, staring at me.  "You're coming with us."
If looks could kill, he'd be dead, but I didn't vocally object.  I was probably safer with this team than I was alone, anyway.  At least, until they fed me to the undeads.
Things were a blur for a while.  We stayed atop the warehouses until there weren't anymore.  The city around us became enormous.  The number of threats increased.  More fighting happened, more violence.  Over the course of this time, I actually grew rather close to the leader of the team that had kidnapped me.  When you cling to someone in order to survive, I guess you can't help but get to know them a bit.  She was better than most people.  She kept herself together.  She was brave.  She reminded me some of Maya H.  Her structure, the whole awesome hair thing going on, except she was a blonde.  I didn't know her name, but I'll call her Jane.  I think she trusted me.  She knew what she was doing, even when the rest of her team was lost in the gore...  I couldn't tell if she had been emotionally attached to them.  Running for your life didn't give you too much time to think about that kind of thing, so I'll never know.
We ended up in a skyscraper.  The level was high off the ground, and Jane and I found ourselves in one of the only safe spots: a public restroom.  Many other people were gathered inside, each one ready to take off again at the slightest disturbance.  The tension echoed off the white walls.  Everyone avoided the stalls.
She and I remained there a bit.  After a minute or two, I saw Crystal standing a few feet away, and rushed to embrace her.  I inquired whether she'd like to stick with us, to which she eagerly accepted.
A few more minutes of waiting passed.  I turned my head to watch the haunting scene of a tall, heavyset guy staggering into the bathroom, looking like he was going to hurl.  It hit me seconds before Jane shouted.
"He's infected!"
Everyone frenetically scrambled out of the restroom, as though a bomb was about to go off.  Jane, Crystal, and I were some of the first to get out.  I heard a sickening noise behind us as we escaped, and knew we had to move faster; the people experiencing the effects of the vomit wouldn't be normal much longer.
People scattered throughout the building's levels, and the three of us dashed up several sets of staircases, being chased only some of the time.  I kept checking to make sure Crystal was following.  The zombies that trailed us all ended up distracted with other groups of humans after some time.  We were agile.  My memory of the next half-hour or so is blurred, but I recall Crystal finding another group to stay with.  I stuck to Jane.  She stuck to me.
At last, we found a level of the skyscraper that hadn't been discovered by oddities yet.  We ascended the stairs.  Upon entering, I ran into my favorite band of girl scouts: Curran, Luke, Connor, and Ford.
"Well," I say, "look who it is."  I tried to smile.
I passed them.  I guess I always knew they'd find each other if this whole apocalypse thing ever happened.  Maybe I was just surprised they were still alive.
Lots of people were on this level.  They huddled together, some fell asleep.  I must have, too, for a while, but I doubt Jane did.  I woke up.  We waited.  To hold onto my sanity, I decided to move around some.  I saw Charlton sitting against a railing, but besides him and the other four clowns, I saw no one familiar.  I wanted you, but... maybe not.  I couldn't bear to get in your way.  I refused to even think of losing you.  Besides, you were probably with Nick and Ethan figuring out how to save everyone.  Maybe.
There was a scream.  A more distant, unearthly sound followed.
No.  No.  No.
Not happening.
I tore back to where I had left Jane.  People moved out of my way.
Move back.  Move back to your spots, people.  I'm not here.  Why are you moving for me?
They had seen me with Jane.  They knew I was her friend.  I blocked this from my mind.
They had seen me with--
She was still standing.  No relief.  People backed away from her.  I saw a giant, red gash in her stomach.  My heart pounded into my skull.  A horrid noise came from downstairs, and people started pushing Jane away.  They pushed her to an empty hallway that went down and down.  That's when a girl about my age scurried up the stairs, screaming, "I didn't mean to!"
I couldn't process whether she was talking about giving up our location or hurting someone, but there were horrible sounds coming from below.  I frantically went after Jane, shoving off the people who still insisted on pushing her.  They let me guide her.  I couldn't process it.  We kept walking down the hall.  Her will power alone was good enough to keep her moving, though her mind was clouded.  She was barely holding on, and I kept her upright the whole time.  She was slipping in and out of clarity.  I hoped she knew I was there.
She stared straight ahead, now bleeding from her ears, too.  I couldn't.  I couldn't do this.  She was seconds from death, or losing her mind.  I didn't know if she'd been infected.
I was losing her.
Still walking, I wiped the blood from her face with my hands.
"Jane?" my voice cracked.  "Jane?  You know I love you, right?  You know that?"
My mind was racing.  I was just talking.  I was just trying.  I'm not sure why I used those words.  Maybe I was trying to save her.
It's your own fault, Emily.
I had to leave.  Her symptoms were showing she'd probably been infected.  My face was wet, and the tears dripped to my neck.
You got attached.
She was wheezing.  I couldn't save her.

Ever so gently, I kissed her temple, and let her go.

You got attached.
The words bounced back and forth in my head as I moved back towards the room where everyone was freaking out, and probably attempting evacuation.
You said you wouldn't do that.
Everyone was running.  I was half expecting to be infected by Jane's blood on my hands or something, but nothing happened.
There were zombies trudging up the stairs, and a few people were fighting them off.  They kept coming.  There must have been dozens.
They were getting through.
We ran up another flight of stairs, and then another, assisting each other and defending ourselves from the undead.  I searched and searched, but I knew there wasn't a way out of this.  Zombies kept pouring forth, and when the survivors were bitten, their numbers were increased.  The virus spread and spread, and soon enough, we couldn't go up any farther in the building, and they had us trapped.  We were gone.

Maybe you would save the world.











My one way out prevailed, and I found myself... in bed.  I was in bed, clutching my pillow.  It took me a second.
It was a dream.
Oh.
It was a dream.  It was a dream.
...
Thank heavens.

Left and Right

There are a lot of things I strive to be
A lot of me's I'd die to see
A lot of air I'd kill to breathe
A kind of blood I wish I'd bleed
I wanna be brave when the clouds roll in
When the waves get high and I cannot swim
Wanna stand my own ground and stick up my chin
Wanna tell myself that I know I'll win
And I wanna be strong enough to move along
When my emotions flood in and my sanity's gone
And the sun goes down and my mind gets lost
When my heart is dry and my pillow's
Not
Can I be bold enough to tell you the truth?
That I don't do as well as you say I do?
Because the waves crash in and I fall on through
And it tears me up 'cause you never knew
You know, the stars come out
But they don't give enough light
You're supposed to close your doors
And just stay inside
But there's a different kind
Who tries to use their eyes
When it's clearly dark enough for the tree in front of you to be a surprise
You stepped out of the door and walked into the night
Where the darkness could swallow your brightest of lights
And you're doing alright
Yeah, you say that you're fine
Till the footsteps you hear are coming up from behind
So you run and you climb
And you're not even sure why
Because you've decided before that you don't want your life
But you can't let them take you
It just isn't right
So you try and you hide
'Cause it isn't your time
And you're not willing to die
If someone else holds the knife
But now the sound's gone out in your left ear
And you're freaking out 'cause the monster's near
And your right side's covered
But your left is certainly not
And your lungs are still bleeding
From the other battles you fought
But those were on the inside
You can't take the outside too
'Cause while you were trying to save him
There was no one saving you
This is not in your control
So suddenly you're not ready to die
And the monster's coming close
So suddenly you're willing to try
But it's too late, you call liar, liar
And your feet get caught up in barbed wire
Your knees on the ground and it's too late to choose
Your feet in your blood and you finally lose
But wait
It takes a second just to make
Because the light is far too bright and now you have to look away
You hear the dying of the beast and you're sure you're the next to be slain
But no, he looks the other way and asks you why you didn't pray
And now you don't know what to say, but now you know that you want him to stay
Because there's grace inside his face even though you lost the race
And even though you walk away from him so many times a day
So he wraps your feet in bandages and asks why you had to try on your own
But it's just to prove a point because you know he already knows
He picks you up from off the ground and whispers to you that you're never alone
And you can't help but cry in His arms because He finally brings you home

I'm failing ever eternally
Masking, slowly, everything
He came down and rescued me
He came down and died so He could see
Me
With Him eventually
So that forever I could breathe

And it's hard to believe,
Sometimes, all the perfect things
That have been given to me
Here I am, undeserving
Concerning
Others about the things that hurt me
But surely
I don't wanna be a burden, so mercy
Mercy on me
He gave me you and you were mercy to me
Coming in and rescuing me
From my pit that I dug for me six feet deep
And in my sleep
I repeat the things you've said to me
Tell me I haven't disappointed you,
And it makes me wanna weep
Because I never saw it coming
And I never saw you come
You said you'd chase me across the world
Well good, 'cause I'm afraid I might run
Such terribly perfect things are hard for me to accept
But I love you to death
So I'll try my best

"Emily, look! A Coke truck! Make a wish! Did you see it?"


"Haha, no, but that's okay Isaac. All my wishes are coming true."

Shoot me down
But I get up


Some girl that sings

I'm looking ahead
I'm not looking back

'Cause somebody said
I'm stronger than that