There will come a month, a day that you'll find
The world falls into place and he'll fall out of yours
Or she'll fall out of his or you'll fall out of mine
The days keep on passing, discard what we try

The one thing I have, and he says it's a lie
In my dreams he comes back, in my dreams we're alright
You'll crack a nice smile with a tear in your eye
You're not the one who has to apologize

Well maybe I'll watch Ferris Bueller and cry
Somebody tell me I'm not gonna die
I look in his eyes and I'm wondering why
I've seen this before, one million times

(bet)

Give me something, show me that you won't leave me alone
Bet on it, freaking bet
I bet you I could make you go
I bet I wouldn't let it show
I bet nobody would know
I can bet it on my soul
Your reputation would be gold
Bet
I bet you I'm a sucky friend
I bet you I'm a freaking mess
I bet you I could make it end, in a minute, maybe less
I bet you that I'm screwed
Heck, I bet I'm losing you
I'll ignore you for three months
And that's the best that I can do
But I bet you'll make me choose
Of course you will, how freaking dare you?
I'm choosing wrong, just watch and learn
I'll screw it up, I'm a woman of my word
Or I could try to be a friend
Or I could clean up my mess
I could fix this in a year, maybe more, maybe less
But it's pounding in my chest
I always claim I try my best
But my best at what, sabotaging myself?
This is what I wanted, isn't it?
But you can bet on my regret
End of the year, and I'm still not dead
Maybe I'm here for something
Oh, that's scary, isn't it?
Take it on a freaking bet
I always called myself a friend
I could be walking some museum
But I stay behind instead
On your way out, shut the door
We know we all love Ethan more
I shouldn't be writing a stupid poem
As if I've never dealt with this before
Sis can always take the blows
No burden's too big for her to hold
She'll take any rant I'll offer
But to the rest of you, don't waste your breath telling me it's my fault, believe me
I already know
But she's in a forest somewhere now
And I'm stranded in my home
Bet I want to be alone
Bet I won't pick up the phone
Get it my way, be on my own
Some bitter victory I've found myself
The only one I've ever known
All I want is to forget
Something that I've never said
Don't even speak to me of friend,
I'll take it on a freaking bet

I am holding on
I am holding on to you
Please just tell me, show me
That you're holding on too

Keep me afloat, keep me afloat
I've already noticed the hole in my boat
Is it there because of me?
It doesn't matter now, nothing matters when you're sinking

Here I am, my arms are flailing
The water moves, the sun is setting
Has my boat reached the bottom yet?
My joints are getting sore, I'm losing grit, I'm losing it

I don't know, is this how it's supposed to feel?
Tell me it's not real, tell me it's not real
I can't hold on much longer
That's when I notice tiger sharks

Here's the point, the encrypted message
I feel like I can't breathe
I wish I could not see
I wish I was the blind girl, that would make me something
I wish that you were happy
I wish that I was grasping
I wish that I could make you proud, all I wanted was for you to see how this works
Have you ever noticed how I stop rhyming when I feel I need to scream?
I think that I'm exploding, I fear I'm bursting at the seams
And not a soul can see
Not even me
Everything is too loud
My legs, they slide across my sheets
And I am restless
The yelling downstairs gets quieter when I'm screaming at myself
Blood pounds into my head, and I
Don't know what I'm saying
I think I'm sick, but everyone else says it's okay
It's completely normal
Are my arms completely normal?
Please don't leave, I am suffocating
I am suffocating on this planet

I took a step off what I thought was just a stair
But my foot is still falling
And all four walls ask "is this is what you wanted?
"Congratulations--
"you sit in the corner of your room."
And alone, I ponder the voices
Full of half-truths
And honestly, I don't know
I guess it's hard for anybody to visit
When I burn all the bridges
Maybe I just wanted something to prove
And my walls, they are screaming at me
And I'm listening
"You're doing this to yourself"
But let me out, I cannot get out
Where is the exit
Someone tell me what to do
'Cause I can't breathe, and I can't see their faces
I can't escape this
I have nowhere else to go
And my ceiling, it says that I have no one
But is that my pride?
Or do people tell me with their eyes?

Am I scared or just anticipating?
Would You really use me to do great things?

I check just to make sure that the coast is clear
I know you told me you would be right here
But I'm hiding in the corner and I'm filled with fear
Where did you go, am I alone,
Or is that just how it appears?

I need to polish the gears in my mind
They can't turn without a heartwrenching whine
It's so loud, makes me feel I can't breathe
They're staring so hard, looking at the wall behind me
I want to scream that I'm here, but I'm not all that sure
The hesitance seems a bit more than I can endure
I promise, I promise, I promise
Don't worry about me, I will always believe
But something in my head or heart is bursting at the seams
And I'm always alone, always alone in my dreams
And in reality I slip away,
It scares me how I separate
But I can't sleep tonight
Just like the good old times
Something is killing me, and it might be coming from inside
I always say I cannot be here, but I don't think I want to die
What hurts me most is looking into their eyes
I cannot change a thing, no matter how hard I try
I jolted awake from sleep because I thought I was falling
Now I wish I was asleep because I feel that constantly
I need to restart, I need to restart
The ceiling painted all the words to tell me I can't do it
I hope you're sleeping right now, I hope you aren't being torn into pieces
And I know it scares you when I say I don't know what I'm doing here
But I suppose I'm just having one of those nights/years
I just want to make you proud, and I don't know how
Or even how to get out of bed in the morning
I know I need to stop buying into these lies
They scream into my ear that I'm running out of time
Through the walls of my mind, through the air, through my home
They're screaming bloody murder telling me that I'm alone
I know it's false, but the problem is that I'm screaming too
But over all these other sounds I just don't have enough volume

white

I know that I cannot fix this
I wish that that was all it took
For me to stop feeling the pressure
With the universe on my shoulders

Still, I crumble to my knees
Bury my face in my hands on my bed
I need to see him in twenty years
God, tell me he's alive in twenty

I thought I'd get better at this
How many times can someone's heart break?
And is it more or less for him?
What with his soul floating along in the wind

Yet, I pine over my beloved
So selfishly, counting down the hours
I want only to see him again
While the hearts around me fall dead

And I feel it at two in the morning
All the distance between him and me
I know I need to swallow my pride
Trying to prove each other wrong, trying to prove each other right

I used to have nightmares that you'd leave me
Now I just dream that you come back
White-knuckling my pillow when I wake up
A few cities away shouldn't be such a shake-up

He said there's always a crucial moment
That could end a relationship
And over the phone, we're crying
We stay up way too late to fix anything

An hour is making a place in my heart
You fall asleep on the phone with me when I'm at school
You are the one that I will always run to
I'll stay through anything, I will not lose you

But the tears come anyway and I tell you I'm alone
"Baby, you've got me, I'm not far away"
I guess it just kills me we have to say this over the phone
But I press it to my chest and try to feel you this close

The lights are dim, as usual
The seat at the end of this row is still empty
I feel the presence of nothingness
But it could have been everything

Maybe they could have forgiven me
Maybe I could have let it go
What if it hadn't swallowed me?
Is there any way to know?

He speaks with genuinity
The kind I always heard
His actions reaching volumes
That can't be reached by words

And I tried to understand it
The way this passed me by
I think of seeing him here
Hold my breath and close my eyes

And suddenly he's distant
He's too far from my grasp
My fingers tighten on my journal
As if I can bring him back

But there's nothing in the seat left to me
Somehow more painful than when they all left me
I told the world I did not need protecting
And that's when the arrows came flying

It hurts me in ways it shouldn't
To have thought that they were all better than this
But I always end up back here
I always called myself a misfit

Some people just go faster
I never quite caught up
Where's the happily ever after
For the friend who falls in love

But nevermind those troubles
I'm on to new ones now
A man jumps off a building
A girl has hit the ground

And she says it's not the same
Like the telephone wire snapped
But she won't rely on feelings
To try and pull her back

They run, away, away
I won't go out as the pretender
I gather up the pieces
And hold them all together

And I just can't look
It's killing me







The Killers

sleepyhead

"And don't go to bed yet, love, 

"I think it's too early,

"And we just need a little time to ourselves"

Well it took me long enough to realize that I'm suffocating

Occasional paralysis that steals my breath and destroys my lungs

And I wonder why, just like the fool that I am, hating every one of my songs

It's because he's gone, it's because he's gone

And college is a wonderful place to move on

But what if you're stuck in a messy room, the one your dad keeps telling you to clean?

And I should be alright 'cause I'm bloody eighteen

But here I am, trapped in the cycles of high school drama

With nothing for my mind to drill upon but your absence 

Well, I promise I'll get better

I will clean up this room 

I will be brave and strong

I will sleep well

I will stop thinking about people who are gone

And I will grow up to be everything that I need to be

And I will fully support all the people who need me

My pillowcase will be free of any tear stains

I will be independent and I will be the definition of okay

I will be a woman who can figure things out just in time

I will mature and learn how to do something with my life

But just not tonight,

Just not tonight

infinity

so speaking of dreams
do you remember what you promised me?
I choke on the words that weren't mine
I scrape my skin off along with all those days you weren't fine

it bleeds into my brain
all of those things I didn't say, all of those
times I couldn't be there and all along
I tried to tell myself it was unfair, what you asked of me
but I kill myself in my sleep

does it hurt when you remember
that I was born in September?
like it hurts any time I remember being gone for your birthday
do you read my old letters, and if so, what did they say?
I can't remember
I can't remember

"I love you to the moon and back,"
"I love you to infinity and beyond"
I get just a little dizzy if I keep thinking of our songs
only half of me's telling me it wasn't my fault

so there's nothing new to say
I have to tell you I honestly prayed
well I should have seen this coming
infinity was always longer anyway

the memories creep in again

through Death Cab for Cutie songs and September air

I want to tell someone it's not fair, but

should it even be me?

I open my phone to discover

if there was a day to cry about it, today's the day

but the tears do nothing but evade

I curse them for stumbling upon me during homework

I hate making this about myself, because it isn't

but I just can't stop thinking of all those dreams we had

crossing our fingers, it couldn't be that bad

something always escapes

fight

Well I consistently hate goodbyes, but that's
As far as my consistence goes
How do I give up my naivety when that's
All I've ever known?
People always lose it but I
Still want to believe
I have mixed feelings for your college 'cause it's
Stolen you from me

At least you give me a proper goodbye
When I know I'll see you again in a while
Because the goodbye left by them was not even mine
When I'll never have them again throughout all of time

I feel the pressure sinking in, I
Hear it in my skull
That where there was once a place for me in
Their hearts now is full
It makes me sick to think about, I
Feel it in my head
That when I want to try harder, I
Fall apart instead

You have to fight for what you want
You cannot wait for things to change
You have to find out what you need
You have to take it by the reigns

You're not allowed to stand and watch
While hearts will fall away from you
So wear those legs out, destroy those lungs
While you pay the price it takes for two

When I grow up
I will be strong enough to carry all the
Heavy things you have to haul around with you
When you're a grown-up

And when I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
The ones you have to fight beneath the bed each night
To be a grown-up







Matilda

As a bird

There was a cold breeze tonight
I know that things are getting better but I
Can't help but think of how things used to be
Running into sunsets and climbing up trees
In a way, nothing has changed
But I won't kid myself that a lot of things have
I've been stuck in the middle for a while now
Weighing the good and bad
But I still climb trees
And I still sing
About the world I continue to dream
And I still believe
In magic and things
That we can't explain because they're too far
It's surreal this year
I don't know what to think
The paradox was running free
The day Wendy Darling turned eighteen

struggling

I never anticipated being the type of person to drown things out with music.  Listen to music, yes.  Enjoy music, of course.  Breathe music, absolutely.  But now I plug in my phone and blast the same songs over and over again because I can't afford the silence.  I can't afford to think, because then I stand and stare at the wall, or I sit and realize I can't get back up, or I don't leave the shower even when there's not a trace of slippery conditioner left in my hair.  Paralysis is becoming too familiar a word.
I want to be brave.  I want to plant my feet in the ground and face the trouble head-on.  I want to sing and dance, knowing I'll be alright, as opposed to singing and dancing to keep things off my mind.  I want to run and jump and fly and pull out some sword I've always had with me, unafraid of cutting down my fears.
But I stay.  I move and move and move, pushing and tugging at the trouble to no avail.  I'm haunted by ghosts of the future and regrets from the past.  And when I stop to think about all of this, I lose my mind.
Enter music.  Which does not help.  It simply delays my impending doom, and I think to myself that if I don't focus on my impending doom now, then I'll be alright for the moment, and so I watch from a distance as my future-self burns alive and crashes to the ground, because I do not want to crumble.
I notice myself asking scary questions.  Questions like, say, "Why?"  Where do they come from?  I really can't say.  There are many variables, such as the type of day I have when I ask myself these questions, or my personality type, or the fact that I had/have depression/whatever the crap is wrong with me.  But I never know if these questions are valid due to all of these variables.
Music does a poor job of drowning out the idea that people are gone, but it does a job nonetheless.  And people are gone.  Not everyone, just the ones that kill me inside when they leave.  If there is a bright side to feeling things so very intensely, I'm not sure what it is.  And I will have myself know that I do have good days.  I have wonderful days.  I have days that make me realize everything is worth it all.  And yet, despite all of those beautiful moments; those watery sunsets and endless horizons and ground-shaking laughter; I always end up here.  But then again, I always go back up.  Maybe life is moving way too fast-- I fell behind retying my shoelace and now I can't get back.
"She's trying to cope with the fact that her sister's leaving again."
"She can't handle her boyfriend living an hour away."
"She is experiencing a lot of change due to school and graduating soon."
"She feels pressure, yet doesn't know what on earth to do with her life."
"She hasn't come to terms with the previous tragedies that she's witnessed or faced."
"Her depression is dragging her down, though her life is pretty great."
"She really misses him."
"She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere."
"She's trying to save everyone again."
"She's trying to save someone again."
Which one?  These, of course, are not the voices of anyone outside of my head.  Maybe I am useless, what with all these disabilities.  I distance myself because I don't know what to do.
The music helps, although not really.  I repeat the songs, even though they start to kill me after listening to them so much, but this is still infinitely better than facing whatever it is I won't think about.  My head is never empty, something will always fill in.  And whenever I try to explain to myself how I feel, so that I may better give an explanation to anyone else who really cares, I end up saying the same old unhelpful sentence every time.  "I'm just... struggling."
Why am I writing this?  Because something is destroying me and I'm not sure what it is.
I simply hold on to the hope that someday he and I will spend a Saturday morning in sweaters, making pancakes, and everything will be alright.

horizon

My mind wanders and my fingers stroke the wind
Searching for something that's certainly not there
Unconsciously reaching into all the empty spaces
Closing my eyes, I breathe in the miles and miles of empty air

Like a child in a game of hide and seek
Like a native girl watching a ship disappear
She is crushed, and I am devastated for her
Though she was never really here

But I look for you when you're far away
I don't mean to, I just do without fail
Some days I'm distracted, I always try to forget
But it's like I'm trapped on an endless trail

And even now, rhymes aren't close to a shadow
Of all the things that you are when you're gone
I hear you laugh at a thought that I have
I see you in places that you are not

The future is flashing before me as always
The only part about it that doesn't scare me is you
We're a thought in my head, I turn it over and over
Wishing you were forever closer

wide eyes

I do not sleep tonight
Even though last night I slept three hours
Even though there are lines underneath my eyes
Even though
I'm in my own bed and I hear my own sounds
Once again
But tonight, I stare at the ceiling with frightened eyes
Much like a child afraid of heights
So I count the good things on my fingers
I try to chase the shadows away
But I cannot help but feel as though I am plunging into a gathered darkness
It doesn't even tug on my shirt because it knows
I'm slipping into it anyway
I touch my fingers and repeat the blessings
I turn on my flashlight and say it's the way out
Maybe no one can see that this is eating at me
Because some days I am brave and some days I forget
Still it drags me in, I will try harder than Tiger Lily
She was always so courageous
But I'm losing ground, these shoes have no traction
Though they climbed a mountain once

dream

If I could have it my way

If I had a dream of my own

I would have been born in 1903

I would marry young, at nineteen, to a man by the name of Joseph 

We would both be well-educated and self-supporting 

After a few years, we would run an orphanage

And take in all the kids who needed our help

We would always have enough money for them

And, selfish, I know, enough money for me to have fancy clothes every now and then

Maybe a good pair of shoes

We would live in a house attached to the orphanage 

Both of which would be beautiful houses 

Surrounded by flowers that didn't die, and we'd have a big garden

He would never be sad, he would be able to pursue all his dreams

I would be a decently-famous poet

I would paint on the weekends, and we'd go have picnics
Rebekah says we'd hit the Great Depression, but honestly... 

I feel like a material depression wouldn't be as bad

Joseph would keep his job

I would make a little money off my poems

The kids would always have enough to eat

He would go to war, but not for too long

And he wouldn't get hurt at all

Our firstborn would be named Isaac

Maybe we would end up with an Arti or a Rose

And we'd always make it

Our kids from the orphanage would grow up, but never forget us

I'd get ice cream with the girls and send them new dresses

We'd visit our boys and meet their wives

I would die rather young, but my life would have been full

And I never would have had doubts about my purpose

And Heaven would welcome me and I would fall into Jesus' arms

But I do not have that

I am a perfectionist in a messed-up head

I tear myself apart

Last week, I avoided processing things, watched my best friend get in a car wreck, saw my brother almost lose his way, lost my mind, got yelled at, and moved him into college

And of all the things I could have expected 

Nothing went remotely close to that

I keep getting nightmares

And sleep paralysis

I barely slept last night 

With my spare time I panicked over driving

Buying a car

Finding a college

Finding money 

Finding a job

Finding a purpose 

Finding my mind

I woke up this morning and couldn't move

Literally 

I slipped into the chasm of hopelessness

I got it worse than I have in a while

I feel as though I'm not prepared

And I don't even know what I'm not prepared for, because I can't see myself growing up

I can't see myself being a human 

I can't see myself living

After years of thanking God that He chose me to exist

This morning I wanted to disappear

I wanted to never have been 

There's no way out
I wouldn't say that I'm not content with my life
It just so often feels like a nightmare

But I've gotten better

He calls me for the first time

I pick up and start crying

Laughing at his jokes with tears in my eyes

I worked out on Monday

And I bought a some dresses with money I don't have 

I plan my birthday party

I write a song

And maybe this blog post will help me process what the heck is going on

I'm just trying to make it

I'm just trying my best

All I see is

Rebekah guarding me with her right arm
As this car pulls out in front of us and she slams on the brakes

Hope handing me a lavender plant
Saying it will help me sleep at night

And Joseph
Joseph hugging her immediately when he hears the reason why

And then hugging me
Clutching the back of my shirt as he's about to leave the country

Hannah showing up at my door with a Sprite
So that I'll start feeling better

Baylie just understanding

Mrs. Betsy always calling me a smart woman

Nick and Matthew asking how I'm really doing

And it's all I can see
Those shocking moments where I realize
Wait, I'm actually here--
I see how beautiful these people are
I realize I am something

It's not the same talking through a phone screen,
We're losing out
And I've been counting down the days
And I know you do the same
And I know you do the same






Roam

contacts

At the beach house
I closed my eyes and saw the ocean
Searching for a wave to catch with my brother
As the water poured over me in the shower

And here I am
Reading a month-old post from my sister
Because it's all that I've got from her
I close my eyes and see moments like the beach
I try to catch them

She writes about
How people wake up with or without purpose
And I picture us at church in worship
She raises her arms and worships and breathes
I raise my arms and worship and try to believe

I'm getting there
My God is patient and I'm struggling
Holding on to things He tells me
Jesus never tires from fighting

I close my eyes
Think of a girl who used to love me
In a world where I was happy
I don't want that to be how Jesus sees me
Give me joy and help me see things


Because I believe

Virgo

I know that I'm not getting you back
Your're running through some dimension elsewhere
And like me, maybe the dimension gets too attached
Then you just become a memory

I'm losing my mind on a Wednesday afternoon
I'm retracing every step I took
Because you slipped through my hands and I think I know how
But I don't want to believe it, I don't want to believe

And how did this lead to so much?
She was right about Atlas
And it just piled on until I'm holding the whole world
Not because I have to but because I can't seem to let go

I'm sorry for screaming so loud but I can't hear my voice
I'm replaying funerals and breakups and I swear I cannot stop
There was some sort of error in my head when I was trying to process it
And everything explodes and boils over until I realize I've been in the shower for forty-three minutes just staring at the wall

Where did you go?




Where did I go?

"Kitchens are too small."

She comes home beaming at a quarter to nine
She eats leftovers and honeydew melon and puts on a song
She jumps around the kitchen, dancing and smiling
After leading dance worship for kids this morning, and working all day--
I almost ask her how she does it, but I answer my own question
It's because she is worshipping the same God she was worshipping this morning

The song ends, but she forbids it, and puts it on repeat
She tells me the mountains are moving, and she gets to be part of it
She tells me about future church plants, and how she gets to be involved
She sounds so shocked, so grateful, so honored to be part of this
But I guess I always knew she would change the world
And I always knew she would change lives

hour

Weird though, isn't it?
I spent an hour sitting next to you
And I say goodnight to myself smiling
I fall more in love with you
I have motivation for the weekend
I look in the mirror after a whole day and feel beautiful
I feel more of myself
Because of you and yourself
It's the thing again, where I feel like a person
I need it, I need it, I really just need it
The someone you are always has me enchanted
With your quirks and your flaws and your mind and your passion
What a gift from God you are,
You are Jesus telling me He loves me everyday
You are the best, I don't deserve my Jesus just
Giving you to me to be here by my side
But I'm not complaining, I mean look at you
The Joseph Arze--
But anyway, sleep well and goodnight

and we all know I'm just a ghost

I don't know why I like this song
I relate to it, but read me the lyrics
I'm not sure why

Rebekah says it's because I get impressions
I get emotions where she gets words
That's why I can't explain myself

She makes me feel like I'm a person

watercolor

The wind befriends trees and brick houses outside
Telling me to keep going, that I'm living my life

Peer over the edge
Can you see me?










Owl City

I have something to write
Even if it's just that
I envision you next to me
I feel my head against your chest

"You're painting blue on your windows because you're trying to forget it's cloudy outside," says she.

"No," responds the other, "you're just forgetting that the sky is still blue behind the clouds."

begonia skies

Here I am, on the inside of this bubble
Noticing all the things on the outside
They emerge from a dream-like state
Offering themselves as keys to my future
All these pieces to growing up

Sometimes I take one into my bubble
Just so I can examine it closely
And if I'm too scared, I push it back out
And it floats off, but it never leaves me
A needle is slowly approaching

I will choose to pop my bubble, and it scares me
I will take on these things one by one and win
My head and heart, they doubt each other, my spirit doubts both of them
I try not to step back in fear
I am holding a slip of paper in my left hand that says I can do it

wind

Nothing from my mouth makes sense anymore
Including the sobs that you see on the floor
I forgot to pick them up before you rang at the door
Now they blend in with all the scratches you see on me that you've never even noticed before
Good thing you didn't actually ring--
That must have been another thing I'm imagining.
We spray Lysol in the bathroom to get rid of the germs and the smell
Of puke around the edges of the seat, we're not well
We turn on the fans and we open the windows
Good thing the Lysol is scented with citrus meadows
Except that now citrus meadows reminds me of throwing up
And the picture of you and me reminds me you were the reason I had to start growing up
Sitting on my desk, why do I keep dusting it off?
Why can't I say screw it and finally move on?
And there are people on my desk,
You're the photo, and there's a cactus, some picked baby's breath
A piece of a bouquet, and a lavender plant, and I know why they're there
Just like I know why our fruit bowl no longer holds pears
You're turning up another song
But no part of you even wants to sing along
I promise I'm trying, despite what you read
Despite what they say and despite what you see
Despite the fact that I cry while I'm trying to sleep
Despite the fact that they think I'm here while I only bleed
Here we are, crying beneath the cross
Here we are, yelling at the walls
These shadows are not lurking, they're tearing at our ankles
Her stomach is still turning, I pray she still believes in miracles
The words in my heart aren't words
They're sunsets and thunder and flowers and birds
They're screaming at ceilings and not feeling heard
They're opening eyes to find your vision's blurred
I see a little sister with her palms to the sky
I see Mom on the phone with tears in her eyes
I see chemistry problems with no reason why
I see kids in my church who wish they could die
Some people have nerve enough to say that I'm blind
But if they would finally say things to my face, I'm not sure I'd even fight
This is all some demented attack on my pride
Which I'm attacking myself, it's hard to know what's still inside
I stare at my mirror for minutes at a time
After putting on my pajamas, I look into my eyes
Questioning all the methods I have to survive
And for a moment, I'm being pushed into the pool by Nick
And for a moment, I'm getting into their car to see Iron Man 3
And for a moment, I'm at that red light with Dad
And for a moment, Joseph first walks up to ask to dance with me
For a moment, I'm circling the baseball field with Nick and Ryan
For a moment, I'm dissecting a fish in Baylie's kitchen
For a moment, Alex is giving Rebekah a key to wear around her neck
For a moment, Ethan tells me his feelings for a girl and I listen
For a moment, I'm walking through a field with Hannah
For a moment, Isaac's on his scooter by my side
For a moment, Joseph texts me while he's on his way to Journey
For a moment, Walter Mitty's over, and I'm staring at the sky
For a moment, Shelby's writing a note inside my journal
For a moment, Facebook's blowing up with her picture
For a moment, squad is over and we're playing charades
For a moment, Rebekah's working and I'm telling Mom I miss her
I'm talking on the Prdas' roof with all of my girls
I'm taking a prom pic of Rebekah and Alex, and Ethan jumps in for the rest
I'm in her room while she's at work, reading her journal she's writing to him
Joseph and I are sobbing on the treehouse deck
For a moment, people are glancing over at me during lunchtime at the Ranch
For a moment, Grace tells me holding a puppy will cheer me up
For a moment, I can't get three months out of my head
For a moment, I'm telling the shower walls that I am not enough
For a moment, I'm telling Mom that I need to see mountains
For a moment, Mom is praying in the car with the Vike girls and me
For a moment, all the flowers make no difference in the room
For a moment, I'm drinking a Coke inside of her RV
For a moment, I'm on a bus and I am far away from home
For a moment, I'm gazing at a girl in blue at prom
For a moment, I'm retracing every word she's ever said
For a moment, I'm sitting on the floor inside the hall

Then it's gone.

And all I'm left with is this mirror and my reflection
After all these years of life, my heart has changed with my complexion
I've made it through another year
I've made it through another day
My heart is bursting with thoughts and images
But I can't find anything to say
There's so much more inside,
But I can't see it all
All I know is I'm alive
And my bathroom smells of Lysol.

the seas

I wonder where we're all gonna go
As we jump in the lights to the beat of the night
This isn't forever, nothing is forever
And everything recently has made me think twice

I wonder who we're all gonna be
I wonder how easy it'll be to forget me
For I won't forget any of them
I don't want the time to come when it's time for them to leave

I wonder why we all know each other
How this impacts the rest of our lives
How we were inspired, how we learned our lessons
How we kept going, and who made us try

I wonder where we're all gonna go
But at least I know where we'll all someday be
So if next year is the last, I'll see you upstairs
But in the meantime, we travel the seas

I don't wanna sound like
I'm on repeat
I know that it sounds like
It might seem weak
Been through too much,
I know it ain't easy
To look at my face,
It's difficult when you see things






NF

Oh, the movie never ends,
It goes on and on and on and on











Journey

hole

So if the sky is raining blood,
Could you tell me how to cope with that?
And if I could avoid the flood,
Can you teach me how to hope for that?
Because more floors are made of glass
Than I thought five months ago
I can't even be caught up with the past
When the present's a bottomless hole
My heart in my stomach
My stomach in my head
My dreams in the trash
My nightmares in my bed
All of this time,
I know that You've kept her
But how much can we take
In just one semester?

Thanks for taking care of me
I know I'm weird these days, I'm sorry
I feel like arrows are coming at me left and right
And my instinct has always been to internalize
Instead of trying to communicate or let it all out
So I hope it doesn't spill over on you when you're around
Everything really hurts, but you're a ray of grace
And I want you to know that you're still my safe place
So thanks for taking care of me
Because I don't think I am, you see

...............

My brother's struggling through it, too
I come home to his discussion with Mom and Dad
We're shaking underneath the chains of the monotony
And they don't waver, they just stay on
But this routine is killing me
And he's trying to crawl out of the cycle
I wish I could save him from it, but I can't even save myself
One day at a time, one day at a time
So I try to change it up
I move the furniture in my room,
I buy a decoration from the World Market,
I try to keep my lavender alive,
I put on makeup now and then,
I redo my blog, because my head is changing (as I told you)
I buy new clothes,
I ask Rebekah about the decades
Anything to keep me moving,
Anything to keep me sane
Anything to make me feel like there's progress, and
Anything to save me from the monotony.

letters

Don't forget you were important to me,
Don't forget you are.
And when the sun sets, closing another day of trying to swallow this heartbreak
And when that song comes on the radio, and I recognize the cold voice of someone who has stood in one of your shoes
And when the leaves fall from their wooden roots, reminding me of all the walks we've taken

You're there.
You're always there.
And this is not only for you,
But tens of other people.
You stay, you all stay, flowing through my bloodstream,
Reaching my brain,
Some of you more often then others,
But you in particular, Baylie,
You always stay.

Always.

Birds

Nothing makes sense until she explains it
She tells me about books, films, and different centuries
She strings out the symbolism in her lacey words
And I know what it means, now I know what it means
She chases away my depression when she comes home
My sour day turns sweet if she enters the room
I'm high off the ground when I'm around her
She makes me think about the otherworldly, saving me from my gloom
You can see God in the air all around her
She pulls me closer to Him, even when she isn't saying a word
Sometimes I wanna ask how to get to Him, since clearly she knows
But I know I've got access, I know I'm already heard
She tells me what everything represents
In the movies that make me think twice
And even if it's not what the filmmaker intended
I know that she's right, she's always right
She knows the world better than the world knows itself
Somehow, she's always ready to learn
Even though she knows more than anyone about anything
So keep learning, keep learning, Rebekah
Maybe then you can explain the world to me

I've tried my best to appeal
To all my bittersweet dreams
Maybe they could sub in
For all the worst parts of me
How come affirmation
Is something I can't win?
I know I'm still breathing
But what am I breathing in?
Am I even coping?
This omen still lingers
Like burgundy nail polish
Chipping off of my fingers
I'm having nightmares again
Dreams mean people are dying
But please always remember
I never stopped trying

Paint

My mind crawls for escape routes and loop holes
But there's nothing there, unless you drive into the sunset
And I can't drive

Searching again for plane tickets and second chances
Whispering, "anything but this, anything but this,
"Anything but this."

Yours truly.

Dear diary,
Today I realized that I listen to How to Save a Life every time it's on the radio
I can never change the station
It captures my mind too fast, I suppose
Dear younger Emily,
I've found myself wondering what I can change to make people love me
You never would have done that
You were always fine
Help me be fine again, I need to be fine again
Dear diary,
I pass the days with schoolwork
But I have good moments
You live for the morning walks and the weekends
The good grades on a few tests
Until your life has purpose again
I know that's no way of thinking, but I can't help it sometimes
Dear diary,
I walk carefully, tracing my fingers along the walls
As though I'd find his hand among them
Dear diary,
I can tell that Hope loves me
Even though I'm with Joseph
Because you don't take a picture with your Polaroid of a couple laughing together unless you love them
And if you would do that, you wouldn't take two pictures with your Polaroid of a couple laughing together unless you love them
Dear diary,
Amberlee sent a note through Rebekah to say that she missed me
And I don't know what to do, I've forgotten how to act when people care that much
Why must I always be this way?
Always either lonely or worrying that I won't be able to love someone well enough
Dear diary,
I've said it before,
I want to blame myself.
And so I do, often
I'm so tired of being mad at people
Because if you stick around long enough, you realize it's not anger
It's tears and it's pain
It's the sudden realization that the rose you love is the reason you're bleeding
Because she is so sweet, she is so beautiful, so you hug her to your chest
And her thorns poke holes in your heart
But no, we'll call it madness, and I'm tired of being mad
So I invert it
I don't want bitter feelings towards people, diary
And they fit perfectly in the holes left in my heart
So that's where I'll keep them
Dear diary,
I see faces yards away
But I know they're really miles out
I know they might be the only ones who understand me
But in the end, I've got to choose the ones who love me over the ones who understand me
Dear diary,
I'm getting tired of looking for God in the sky
Dear God,
I need help, I can't do this by myself
And my heart is crying and my head is screaming that I can't do this at all
But I'm not supposed to listen to my heart and head, I'm supposed to listen to You
So I'm still listening, even though I think I'm going deaf
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying
I know You'll get me through, I trust You most of all
But it's my ears, God, they've just gotten bad
But maybe bad ears make good faith
I guess we'll see
I'm willing to wait
Dear diary,
This bit's about Baylie
One thing about her is that when she plays the guitar and sings,
She sings just so simply
Other voices join in, and she doesn't try to rise above them
Even though her voice is the most beautiful
She lets it drown among the others, but she doesn't stop singing
And she sings from her heart without getting louder than anyone else
She's there
Sometimes I get mad because people should realize how wonderful she is
They think she's "great," but great doesn't do her justice,
You can't just get away with saying that
She deserves better
But I've always said that, I suppose
Dear diary,
Since we're on the subject of people who deserve better,
I miss Rebekah.







CODE

You've got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we can make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

Any place is better

Staring from zero, got nothing to lose

Maybe we'll make something

Me, myself, I've got nothing to prove

Tracy Chapman

Precious Metals pt. II

I had sleep paralysis again today
I had forgotten how terrifying it was
Try not to scream, calm down, calm down
But you've got to wake up, calm down, calm down
Clench your fists, squeeze your toes
Wake up your body, that's how it goes
I entered it after an awful dream
Where you were supposed to turn up
But you were nowhere to be seen
What's the point, what's the point?
I'm losing my mind
What's the point, what's the point?
Are we just running out of time?
I'm not sure I'd still believe in love by now,
If it weren't for you,
To be completely honest.
All I see are broken hearts and people bending the definitions of words like
Feeling
And love
How much feeling should be involved anyway?
Where do we start just making decisions?
When do we stay,
And when do we leave?
Did you ever love him at all?
And did you love him, or was it some dream?
How do you know?
When did you make a choice?
Where do we draw the line?
Does "the one" really exist?
As a very confused man once said,
"Maybe you want her,
"Maybe you need her,
"Maybe you started to compare
"To someone not there."
And how many "what if's" are we going to pull from each scenario?
My love, I'm afraid I would drown in these questions if it weren't for you
Because I don't see any clarity from anyone around me
We just run around in the dark
Giving advice and breaking each other's hearts
And to another love, that she cannot define
Well, friend, I look at that note all the time
I dusted off the picture on my desk of you and I
I remember on my birthday when you gave it to me
And I wonder if that was your way of saying goodbye
I wonder how much closure you feel on the subject
I wonder if you said "no hard feelings"
Or maybe you're mad at me
(I wish that you'd talk to me)
Because I stare at my ceiling at very late/early hours
I stare at the wall when I stand in the shower
I sit at my desk and I stare at our picture
If you feel closure, I wanna know
Maybe then I can let this all go
I just need to see that we're both moving on
(Did you ever love me, or did you just stop?)
People say "love" in weird ways these days
There's no black and white, they all fade into gray
But now that I think about it, I do see love a lot, and it's none of their definitions
My dad loves his stepmother by not holding her sins against her
My mom cried when she lost her dad, even though he never even cared about her
Rebekah hugs me after I've been yelling at the wall all day
She meets with girls who have lots of problems and she gives her time away
Baylie always talks to me, even though I don't have good advice
Joseph wants to know what's wrong, instead of settling for my crappy lies
Isaac offers me the rest of his favorite things to eat
Ethan and Rebekah go out for lunch, even though they used to fight for weeks
Mom makes me take medicine, even though I gripe about it 
Dad doesn't complain about work, even when people there are idiots
There are different kinds of love
But all of them have that in common
You pull through when it's hard
You accept even when you're not accepted
But love is hard, you can't expect everyone to notice
Which is why I've been wishing I was stronger than this
I don't want to have to matter to people at all
And I guess I've always wanted to just make some sort of a difference

Compass

Adults don't remember the things
They stressed over for the entire first segment of their lives
The hours into the night
The days and days of your life
The tears and tears in your eyes
As you stare at a page and try to make sense of it
As you move your pencil and try to keep trying this
And you won't even remember all of this when you grow up
But worry about it now, because they say you'll need this for life
And they say they're always right
So get good grades, it would be wise
One day you'll see it was fine
And you'll be glad in hindsight
Well, say what you'd like
But it doesn't change the fact that I need to grow some wings and get out of here
I'm wasting my life away
There's got to be more
And I'm tired of watching tragedy after tragedy
While learning about parabolas
This is too much for me, it's too much for me
I've gotta get out of here
It's time to go
If running away could save my best friend's mom
If leaving this place could cure my sister of her anxiety
If pulling on my shoes could stop my brother's heart from breaking
If not coming back could cure my friends of their depression
If running away could give me a lion heart and make me the person my boyfriend needs me to be
Oh, you bet I would be gone
I would fly away and never return
I would decide my own way to live and I would live to the full
"You need to learn all of this so that you will be prepared for life."
I think you're missing the point
I think you're missing the point
I think that maybe you're missing the point

Missing

Sometimes, when you're gone
It all feels unreal, unmade
But other times, it's painfully real
I can't focus on school
Words don't reach my mind
I can't eat my food
I don't sleep at night
And when I do,
I wake up at 4:05
Pull at my hair,
And try to imagine you by my side
I see you in every place you're not
I can't breathe because of
The space between us
And every scene is missing you
And it takes me hours to accomplish
A single, simple task
All my other thoughts are blurred
My stomach hurts
And I can't bring myself
To even climb out of my bed

But sometimes it doesn't feel real

And when you leave,

You slowly turn into an idea

Haunting my mind,

Telling me things were once better

Like an image in the back of my head

That I can't get rid of, and though I might deny it

The image determines most of what I do

But it's just a word I can't place

A happy thought I can't get to

And you bleed into my dreams

Over and over again

You're the hero in every movie I watch

You're the reason that I cry

When the plot twists and the lover dies

I think about the way I used to see you

How I couldn't get to you

No matter how much I wanted to

And on days like these, I feel the same way

 Like you're distant, like you couldn't stay

Like some things are too good to be true

I guess one of those things is you

And when I'm talking to other people

Certain words stand out

Certain facial expressions,

Some hugs, some jokes

Some references

And it's like I'm trying to piece together the dream I had last night

Because it was a really good dream that I need to write down

I just had it, I just had it

Slipping from my hands like sand

Daring me to keep believing

Whispering, things were better once

Even if I was only dreaming

Song Prompt pt. V

It was time.
(This one is long)



A song that makes you happy (don't they all start like this?):  Lisztomania, by Phoenix
A song that makes you sad (that's original):  Can't Break Her Fall, by Mat Kearney
A song that makes you think of happy love:  Accidentally in Love, by Counting Crows
A song that makes you think of tragic love:  Over the Love, by Florence and the Machine (I CAN'T GET OVER THIS SONG IT'S SO FREAKING AMAZING)
A song that reminds you of high school:  And Run, by He is We
A song you would consider your anthem:  Turn it Off, by Paramore;  Lady Blue, by As Cities Burn (it speeds up if you happen to listen to it);  Miracle Mile, by Cold War Kids (and always Seven Nation Army, but not as lyrically as the rest)
A song that reminds your best friend of you:  I forget xD
A song that reminds you of your favorite book:  I don't have a favorite book.  This is one of the best questions on here, but I unfortunately can't think of anything right now.
A song that breaks your heart:  Fast Car, by Tracy Chapman
A song you can't resist dancing to:  1901, by Phoenix
A song that describes your life:  Shattered, by Trading Yesterday
A song you can't resist listening to once it starts playing:  Absolute, by The Fray
A song no one likes but you:  Sleepyhead, by Passion Pit (except for Alex, bless him)
A song from your favorite film:  Deliverance, by Brian Tyler (I think I pick this every time)
A song you feel like you relate to, but you can't really:  Nightclothes, by Radical Face
A song that would be the anthem of your childhood/preteen years:  Tidal Wave, by Owl City; chorus of Amsterdam, by Imagine Dragons
A song that would play during your death scene if your life were a movie:  I can't find a perfect one, but maybe O, by Coldplay; Run, by Snow Patrol; or the first three minutes of Corynorhinus, by Hans Zimmer.  Hehehehe
A song you hope to dance to at your wedding:  All About Us, by He is We
A song you heard live:  Kitchen Sink, by Twenty One Pilots
A song that makes you feel empowered:  Make a Shadow, by Meg Myers
A song that makes you think of someone important to you:  What Sarah Said, by Death Cab for Cutie (makes me think of more than one)
A song to describe the most important event in your life so far:  I can't name a single most important event other than being saved, and I don't think I could find a proper song for that.  I'll probably think of something a month from now and smack myself.
A song you discovered via a commercial:  None
A song you can daydream to:  Friends Make Garbage (Good Friends Take it Out), by Low Roar
A song that makes you want to kick some [butt]:  Do I Wanna Know?, by The Arctic Monkeys
A song that makes you turn up the volume on your radio:  Cheap Thrills, by Sia (sorry) (wait no I'm not)
A song you would like people to listen to and think of you:  Well I just like when people think of me, I won't be picky.  Taken by Sleep and Guns for Hands, by Twenty One Pilots, perhaps.  But I'll take anything.
A song that you find incredibly beautiful:  Columbia, by Local Natives
A song you would like your loved ones to play at your funeral:  Stay Alive, by Jose Gonzalez (not meant to be cruel irony, but you can take it that way xD )

:')

Things were supposed to get better today, but they didn't
I hurry to my bed as I start to black out
And I lie there for a while, just lie there
Soon enough I'll take a trip to the bathroom
My hair is oily and unbrushed, my lips swollen and peeling
The only parts of me that even appear to be awake are my eyes,
Begging for an escape from the fragile body they are tied to
And my hands stay cold for hours after I wash them
I ask Mom for a blanket
Then another, then another
The time passes slowly
I check my watch
"No one's at the church yet, save the leaders and maybe Trey"
6:32
"A couple more kids"
6:43
"Maybe a few more"
I hear Dad calling from downstairs
"Are you going to Fuze, Emily?"
"No," I say, and I'm glad he can't see me, because
My eyes are tearing up

Why do I get so lonely?

Dad takes Isaac to Grapple, and I sob
7:14
They've probably started now
9:00
Maybe someone will text me
I distract myself for a while, I think
And after forever, I think I hear his voice outside
Nah
Prolly just Ethan
But there it is again, and it sounds less like Ethan
There's a knock, which raises my hopes, since Rebekah has a key
Maybe she was too lazy
But I rush downstairs anyhow, and almost trip over poor Scout
The door swings open, and it's him
Ethan
Just kidding, it's Joseph
(Way to ruin the romantic moment)
I can't believe he's here
He's very cute
But I haven't showered, I must smell terrible, don't get me started on my hair
That's when he pulls me into a hug
I list off the reasons why he shouldn't be hugging me while I'm taking in his warmth
(Why am I like that??)
But he tells me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world
And asks how much I've eaten, why am I not sleeping, etc.
With concern in his eyes
I'm pretty sure my breath is a graveyard
But I answer his questions
And he tells me not to be sick
He has to go all too soon, but he calls me on the phone
"You know, I really meant when I called you the most beautiful girl in the world."

And what did I do to deserve this kind of love?
Nothing.