struggling

I never anticipated being the type of person to drown things out with music.  Listen to music, yes.  Enjoy music, of course.  Breathe music, absolutely.  But now I plug in my phone and blast the same songs over and over again because I can't afford the silence.  I can't afford to think, because then I stand and stare at the wall, or I sit and realize I can't get back up, or I don't leave the shower even when there's not a trace of slippery conditioner left in my hair.  Paralysis is becoming too familiar a word.
I want to be brave.  I want to plant my feet in the ground and face the trouble head-on.  I want to sing and dance, knowing I'll be alright, as opposed to singing and dancing to keep things off my mind.  I want to run and jump and fly and pull out some sword I've always had with me, unafraid of cutting down my fears.
But I stay.  I move and move and move, pushing and tugging at the trouble to no avail.  I'm haunted by ghosts of the future and regrets from the past.  And when I stop to think about all of this, I lose my mind.
Enter music.  Which does not help.  It simply delays my impending doom, and I think to myself that if I don't focus on my impending doom now, then I'll be alright for the moment, and so I watch from a distance as my future-self burns alive and crashes to the ground, because I do not want to crumble.
I notice myself asking scary questions.  Questions like, say, "Why?"  Where do they come from?  I really can't say.  There are many variables, such as the type of day I have when I ask myself these questions, or my personality type, or the fact that I had/have depression/whatever the crap is wrong with me.  But I never know if these questions are valid due to all of these variables.
Music does a poor job of drowning out the idea that people are gone, but it does a job nonetheless.  And people are gone.  Not everyone, just the ones that kill me inside when they leave.  If there is a bright side to feeling things so very intensely, I'm not sure what it is.  And I will have myself know that I do have good days.  I have wonderful days.  I have days that make me realize everything is worth it all.  And yet, despite all of those beautiful moments; those watery sunsets and endless horizons and ground-shaking laughter; I always end up here.  But then again, I always go back up.  Maybe life is moving way too fast-- I fell behind retying my shoelace and now I can't get back.
"She's trying to cope with the fact that her sister's leaving again."
"She can't handle her boyfriend living an hour away."
"She is experiencing a lot of change due to school and graduating soon."
"She feels pressure, yet doesn't know what on earth to do with her life."
"She hasn't come to terms with the previous tragedies that she's witnessed or faced."
"Her depression is dragging her down, though her life is pretty great."
"She really misses him."
"She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere."
"She's trying to save everyone again."
"She's trying to save someone again."
Which one?  These, of course, are not the voices of anyone outside of my head.  Maybe I am useless, what with all these disabilities.  I distance myself because I don't know what to do.
The music helps, although not really.  I repeat the songs, even though they start to kill me after listening to them so much, but this is still infinitely better than facing whatever it is I won't think about.  My head is never empty, something will always fill in.  And whenever I try to explain to myself how I feel, so that I may better give an explanation to anyone else who really cares, I end up saying the same old unhelpful sentence every time.  "I'm just... struggling."
Why am I writing this?  Because something is destroying me and I'm not sure what it is.
I simply hold on to the hope that someday he and I will spend a Saturday morning in sweaters, making pancakes, and everything will be alright.

horizon

My mind wanders and my fingers stroke the wind
Searching for something that's certainly not there
Unconsciously reaching into all the empty spaces
Closing my eyes, I breathe in the miles and miles of empty air

Like a child in a game of hide and seek
Like a native girl watching a ship disappear
She is crushed, and I am devastated for her
Though she was never really here

But I look for you when you're far away
I don't mean to, I just do without fail
Some days I'm distracted, I always try to forget
But it's like I'm trapped on an endless trail

And even now, rhymes aren't close to a shadow
Of all the things that you are when you're gone
I hear you laugh at a thought that I have
I see you in places that you are not

The future is flashing before me as always
The only part about it that doesn't scare me is you
We're a thought in my head, I turn it over and over
Wishing you were forever closer

wide eyes

I do not sleep tonight
Even though last night I slept three hours
Even though there are lines underneath my eyes
Even though
I'm in my own bed and I hear my own sounds
Once again
But tonight, I stare at the ceiling with frightened eyes
Much like a child afraid of heights
So I count the good things on my fingers
I try to chase the shadows away
But I cannot help but feel as though I am plunging into a gathered darkness
It doesn't even tug on my shirt because it knows
I'm slipping into it anyway
I touch my fingers and repeat the blessings
I turn on my flashlight and say it's the way out
Maybe no one can see that this is eating at me
Because some days I am brave and some days I forget
Still it drags me in, I will try harder than Tiger Lily
She was always so courageous
But I'm losing ground, these shoes have no traction
Though they climbed a mountain once

dream

If I could have it my way

If I had a dream of my own

I would have been born in 1903

I would marry young, at nineteen, to a man by the name of Joseph 

We would both be well-educated and self-supporting 

After a few years, we would run an orphanage

And take in all the kids who needed our help

We would always have enough money for them

And, selfish, I know, enough money for me to have fancy clothes every now and then

Maybe a good pair of shoes

We would live in a house attached to the orphanage 

Both of which would be beautiful houses 

Surrounded by flowers that didn't die, and we'd have a big garden

He would never be sad, he would be able to pursue all his dreams

I would be a decently-famous poet

I would paint on the weekends, and we'd go have picnics
Rebekah says we'd hit the Great Depression, but honestly... 

I feel like a material depression wouldn't be as bad

Joseph would keep his job

I would make a little money off my poems

The kids would always have enough to eat

He would go to war, but not for too long

And he wouldn't get hurt at all

Our firstborn would be named Isaac

Maybe we would end up with an Arti or a Rose

And we'd always make it

Our kids from the orphanage would grow up, but never forget us

I'd get ice cream with the girls and send them new dresses

We'd visit our boys and meet their wives

I would die rather young, but my life would have been full

And I never would have had doubts about my purpose

And Heaven would welcome me and I would fall into Jesus' arms

But I do not have that

I am a perfectionist in a messed-up head

I tear myself apart

Last week, I avoided processing things, watched my best friend get in a car wreck, saw my brother almost lose his way, lost my mind, got yelled at, and moved him into college

And of all the things I could have expected 

Nothing went remotely close to that

I keep getting nightmares

And sleep paralysis

I barely slept last night 

With my spare time I panicked over driving

Buying a car

Finding a college

Finding money 

Finding a job

Finding a purpose 

Finding my mind

I woke up this morning and couldn't move

Literally 

I slipped into the chasm of hopelessness

I got it worse than I have in a while

I feel as though I'm not prepared

And I don't even know what I'm not prepared for, because I can't see myself growing up

I can't see myself being a human 

I can't see myself living

After years of thanking God that He chose me to exist

This morning I wanted to disappear

I wanted to never have been 

There's no way out
I wouldn't say that I'm not content with my life
It just so often feels like a nightmare

But I've gotten better

He calls me for the first time

I pick up and start crying

Laughing at his jokes with tears in my eyes

I worked out on Monday

And I bought a some dresses with money I don't have 

I plan my birthday party

I write a song

And maybe this blog post will help me process what the heck is going on

I'm just trying to make it

I'm just trying my best