Enough

You said, "I'm sorry if I cannot be
"The Peter Pan you'd always dreamed."
And you're right, honestly
But you are still him to me
You give me warmth in a world gone cold
Help me have fun in a world too old
You turn my fears into something bold
You've given Wendy a hand to hold
But you're better than a little boy
Because I know you're strong enough
To embrace the fact that we all grow up
And when they call your name, you'll show up
For them
For you
For us
And dear, that's the Peter Pan I've always dreamed
"Joseph" is enough for me.

Reflection // Diffraction

But I caught my reflection in the restaurant window
And I looked so grown up
Wearing my momma's sweater
Frustrated with myself that I don't wear makeup
Grown up is okay, right?
That's what they keep telling me
But I don't wanna watch the world lose its magic
And I don't wanna stop climbing trees
Tell myself that I don't fear it
Oh, I know I'm making my way
I'm trying, I'm getting there, I know I will
All that's left to do is pray
I'm sick of apologizing to myself for growing up
And apologizing for staying a child
Burning myself alive with my voice
Poor head and heart are going wild
Whatever, I'm so done with this
It's not like I wanna die
Just sometimes don't want to exist
Growing up is okay, right?

Places no one looks but me (and people only I can see)

She says she's scared he'll leave
Well, she didn't say that, but
I'm good at reading her worries
Especially when she writes them down
In places no one looks but me

She's worried he'll leave
And I don't see that coming, but
I don't see much coming, and
I didn't see you coming, but
I'll say I saw it coming if you leave
But I will not have seen it coming

She's praying he'll stay
I'm praying fate won't take you from me

I just wanna go live on an island all by myself. Actually no, I want to have ice cream and be good at stuff.

Hate this song cause I can't make it

Hate my voice, so I don't say it

Hate my guitar cause I can't tame it

Hate myself cause I can't play it 

(every day) (a lot)

Wow, today could use a little you in it.

Way to be positive.

Don't worry, maybe if I complain about it a bunch now, it'll be easier when she actually leaves.

Summer

All four of us sleeping in my room
Like a sibling slumber party
Like we used to do as kids
The only difference is
I'm wide awake at five
And she's gonna leave us when school returns
Taking summer with her

Second Verse

It's getting faster and slower, I swear
And nobody asked if I was ready to get there
Rebekah's leaving, Ethan wants to drive
Beautiful future, but I only stare
You can stop telling me we're not kids anymore
No one to brush our hair or make decisions for us
But I'm on the second verse of my life
And I still haven't figured out my chorus
Still being swallowed by guilt that isn't mine
Still receiving smiles from friends that aren't fine
I know that there's more to be gotten from life
But I feel the creeping want to call it quits and say I tried
I wonder if people have ever contrasted me
From what I am to what I was
I'm stuck between the worry that everyone needs me
And the fear that nobody does
I've put too much on my back again
Trying to let everyone know I'm always here
When I'm not and I cannot get through a prayer
Without bursting into tears
I know one day this will get better
The problems won't leave, but maybe I'll see
Things from a better set of eyes
In the meantime I stay on my knees
I guess I never really doubt my God
Just everything and everyone else
I know You're there, get me out of my head
Jesus Christ, save me from myself

Running about is very important
Important enough to keep her from me
She won't tell me what's on her mind
I won't tell her I don't sleep

I caught myself calling her "girl"
Just like I do with my friends
It scared me just a little bit
As though the sisterhood would end

August when she'll make an escape
September when she'll have to call me on my birthday
October when I'll write about seeing her suitcase
November when she'll turn nineteen away



I'm losing you and it's effortless 

Almost

It's almost home
This scene is driving me insane
It's like missing a puzzle piece
And picturing a face

We're moving to a different age
I won't say it feels the same

Post Title

A couple hours makes me realize
We wouldn't be writing all this same stuff
If we saw it from the other side of the world
Don't get me wrong, depression is depression
Anxiety is fatal
But you stop getting absorbed in your problems
Or mad at your friends over stupid things
When your life is on the line

He prayed for you aloud a few months ago

And I cried

I wonder if we actually know what we're doing in most of this

And then I wonder if it's just me

Because it all builds up inside and I end up yelling at an irritating brother

Because one of my vital organs is tearing at the seams,

And once again, I told nobody

I wouldn't have seen this of sixteen from ten

Yet I'm only sixteen

And I feel as though Earth has almost spun itself out

You're walking through busy hallways

Whispering to each other that you don't have the strength to keep going

Angsty youth, trying to file in and out of place

Using a magnifying glass to find where we belong

But some of us have been stuck in the same backyard for a century

Running around

Breaking each other's hearts

On accident

What is wrong with me?

I feel like I'm digging a hole in the water

Put my head back on my pillow every night with no sign 

The birds are singing outside

And I used to sing along

Shouldn't be that hard

To tell if you're doing the right thing or not

She's in maybe a worse state

She's doing better than I am 

I lack a devotion to myself

She hits the drums and sings

I so wanted that to be me 

But I want nothing enough

I lack devotion to myself, you see

I'm spiralling

I'm confused

I can't lie about that

I know who's in charge

I'm in safe hands

I am still

Spiralling.

If I've learned one thing

It's "hold onto the truth"

You can't let your demons fight harder than you

But then in steps Jesus
All men were created to lead, but we needed somebody to lead us




Lecrae

Accelerating

Never writes on her blog, says she doesn't have time
And if I could, I would give her mine
She rolls away the few days I have with her
Into a bundle of business, a bundle of work
I'll stop complaining to her, you gotta do what you can
And I sit at my desk and know I understand
She's got her heart set, she's chasing big dreams
While I lie in bed and wish I could believe
I thought she was supposed to be the skeptical one, wasn't she?
I was always the superhero, what happened to me?
Try to tell myself it's not because she's smarter and better
Which it is, but I can't think like that, God will use me like He'll use her
Maybe I care about her future a little more than mine
Maybe it's enough for me she knows what she's doing with her life
I just want her to have the best, and I guess that means losing her
So you keep on working love, I'll be here a while, I'm sure

I don't care what they say.  You are not weak.

*Katy Perry sings 'I'm wide awake' for the rest of my life*

Well, this is fun

At least I'm having a great time

Tell me if you want me

To tell four in the morning hi

Because even my favorite songs

Taste sour in my mouth

And even when I close my eyes

I see a million things right now

I didn't know missing someone

Could keep one awake

But maybe I learned that last summer

And forgot it today

(I really do have a terrible memory)

But anyway, I'ma just go on a while

Because it's not like I'll fall asleep soon

In the time it takes me, I could conquer the world

Or even make it to the moon

But nope, just lying here

Thinking about a certain someone

And everyone and everything else, prolly 

Really, it's a bit much

I went to the mall today

It was actually a great time

Yeah, and I bought some stuff

For once in my life

I'm happy about that 

(That's one thing I'm glad for, let's keep count)

And soon I'll get new Vans 

(That's two)

But we have to wait for a discount

The weather's been warming up recently

I'm sleeping with the fan on

Lol, let me try that again

I'm writing on my blog with the fan on

Ah, so much better

You guys don't post on your blogs too often

And I check them like every ten minutes 

(Not really)

But it's disappointing because there's nothing on them

So I reread posts 

(Boring)

And reload the page

(False hope)

And check again later

(Like you posted in the last day)

But it's usually the same

(Typical)

I hope you all don't get annoyed

With how painfully optimistic I am

You know, it's just in my nature

To never be sarcastic or bland

Guess I'll try closing my eyes again

But on a positive note (finally),

Once in a while it's nice to just think

At least I have the thought of you to keep me company 

(That's three)

Maybe if I let go of this stuffed animal
Maybe if I turn on the fan
Maybe if I take off my extra blanket
Maybe if I stretch my legs
Maybe if I reposition my torso
Maybe if I lie on my stomach
Maybe if I put my arms under my pillow
Maybe if I push my hair off my neck
Maybe if I turn my head the other way
Maybe if I close my eyes a bit longer

...

I miss you.

Articulate

I just wanted you to know
That sometimes emotional expression isn't my strong suit
And sometimes verbal expression isn't either
Sometimes both at the same time
But there are easily a zillion moments when you do something
Or say something
And my head just pounds,
"Wow."
Like when you say she's my sister, I'm not hers
Or set down a glass of Coke in front of me
Or hold the door for the millionth time
Or hug me for "no reason"
Or say something so sweet and meaningful I might die
Or call me to just talk with me forever
Or get "overprotective"
Or compliment a stranger sincerely
Or help someone with no reward
Or tell me I look beautiful
Or other things, too
Wow.
However, I usually just smile awkwardly
And say thanks
Or something else
Intelligent
But just a heads up,
I have those moments a lot
Sometimes maybe you can tell
But probably not, more of the time
I know I'm a pro at self-expression
And stuff
But in case you missed a lot of my well thought-out comments and compliments
That I always say at the perfect time
So you know exactly what I'm feeling
And just how much I adore you
And how grateful I am for you--
In case you don't catch all that,
Just know that my head is thinking
"Wow.  Just, wow."

Building a strong relationship with four in the morning.

white knuckles

Maybe I say it too much,
But I mean it enough
To tell you twenty-eight times
Every time I see you once
Maybe you're afraid I don't mean it
Maybe they are too
But I mean what I say
When I say "I love you"
I say it to Hannah
I say it to Shelby
I say it to Madison
I say it to Baylie
Maybe I say it in the same voice
But it's different every time
Wish I could be more specific
But I hardly mean it the same way twice
Sometimes it means the person they are
Is beautiful, and I care so much
Sometimes it means I'm trying and trying
To simply be enough
"I love you"
I'm trying to help you
I really need you
I wish I could save you
But it's not up to me
As I've learned the hard way
So sometimes "I love you"
Is all I can say
I think people forget
That I'm fighting my own war
But that's okay, I just wish they'd realize
I can't be their hero anymore
Sometimes all I can manage
Is a text across a phone
Because I'm barely dragging my feet
And the blood on my hands is my own
Take a shower and close my eyes
Stare at the ceiling and wonder why
Tell myself that they'll be fine
Don't even have the strength to cry
She plays victim
I let her win
He talks about me behind my back
I smile at him
Everybody hates this kid
I choose to forget the crap he did
And it leaves me
Tired.
I told her I'd check up on her
This one struggles with the same stuff as me
I plug my ears at what I'm not supposed to hear
I close my eyes at what I'm not supposed to see
I'm gonna try to get coffee with her
I tell him hi when I wish I could help
I cry for him and the friend he has who's lost
I cry for my future, but not for myself
I'm washing dishes after Anchorage while he texts Grace
They couldn't talk that much tonight, there's disappointment on his face
If I could wash away his problems, I wouldn't hesitate
But I just scrape off the dishes and make sure these don't break
There comes a time when all your memories are mixed as one
And it just leaves you so nostalgic that you think you're done
But at the end of every night rises another sun
And all the subtle pain of everything has just begun
Well, with my fingers laced together I beg pretty please
Crying out to God 'cause they don't see Him through me
Don't you think that there's a reason for my everything?
But they leave it as simply "homeschooled and naive"
I'm staring at the blinds like I do every night
And say similar things as I do every time
They argue over stupid things and I won't choose a side
They don't know what it does to me, I let it slide
I'm trying just too hard and then we fall like leaves
Because I can't help you and you cannot understand me
You say you're having second thoughts that you're a masterpiece
And that's enough to bring me back onto my knees
So the water runs over me as I stand in the shower
I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to see
But my breath is leaving and I'm wearing thin
So please just tell me I'm doing the right thing