My Favorite Plot Twist

I love the whispers in my mind

That tell me things will be alright

That brighter days are still in sight

Darkness dies and blue are skies

I don't want to be someone 

Who tries to be someone else

And that's one thing I've never struggled with

But I'm still somehow aggravated with myself

I guess that's okay

I wasn't born to be perfect

Still, I must say

There are things I wish I could be

Just honestly 

The night is sometimes just a covering

A black sheet over the earth

And the holes in the sheet are what we call stars

Holes that let daylight show us what we're worth

But sometimes the night is when the air is invisible

And the galaxy is more than daylight could ever be

We count the stars like we'll ever know

And look for Jupiter, maybe someday we'll see

We think, "Maybe my identity is out there,

"Or maybe someone knows it already."

Well, maybe you're right about how much I care

And maybe I am anything but steady

I want to be the strong one
Who lasts in
The long run
But the only song sung
By me is
The wrong one
All I want to be

Is the girl of whom they speak

'Cause when they talk of Emily

She just sounds like a dream

They tell of her goodness 

She's funny and kind

I heard that she's beautiful 

Both out and inside

And that she's a poet

Who's amazing and wise

But I'm afraid all of those 

Are pitiful lies

So I will strive

To someday arrive

At being the Emily 

They all describe

If I were to spend five minutes

Of giving honest answers

It just might help me out

Or it might end in disaster

I will check and check again

But I know how it will end

Still, somehow I don't stop

Even though you never did

Funny, random words sometimes spill out

Like right this second, right here and now

Maybe once in a while I'll write about

How I sit here at this desk when I'm happy or down

A storyteller once said
During all the stories she was giving
That while fairytales seem best
The best story's the one that you're living
And oh, believe me
Mine is FULL of plot twists
I wasn't expecting that,
And I never foresaw this
But while my days can be tough
Little blessing appear on my doorstep
All wrapped up in ribbon and love
Guiding me so I won't misstep
Sometimes my tears fall on answered prayers
Finally knowing I'm not alone
Finally knowing someone's there
That this story won't yet break my bones
This year ripped my heart
Through the middle and tore me apart
January through March
And April and May were hard
But gosh, I learned so much
It got so much better and lightened a bunch
Unbelievable, really, I'd say
Once I decided I needed to pray
This story scares me so
But my Author will not let me go
And this year, I'm sure, I know
Is my favorite of all that I own
Full of ups and downs
Throwing me around
Giving me so much
To be happy about
And sometimes I am Heaven-kissed
Or greeted with a hard fist
But of all the ones on that list
You are my favorite plost twist.

Abendrot

Oh, what a way
To brighten the world
Who knew that these words
Would come from this girl?

But the footsteps walk in
And such joy pours forth
Like an explosion of lights
That come from the North

That person paints with these colors
I cannot describe
I see them in all
That he is, does, and writes

The galaxy and sunset
I found in those songs
And sometimes I notice
The colors of dawn

None of the rainbow
And complex, not the same
As all of the others
I've seen in this place

And oh, what a way
To brighten the world
Who knew that these words
Would come from this girl?

Bloom.

Stand and hear
The day's so clear
Hair loosens from
Behind my ears

So close your eyes
And we will try
Sister, dear,
Our hopes won't die

Out Cold

The frosty air
Would always tear
At her tristful heart
Then no repair

You move your feet
And then repeat
Making circles
In the street

Pulls her coat
Nice and close
But the ice will only
Bite her toes

All slows down
A fateful sound
A shocking word will
Crack the town

The news was told
Just lost their gold
They tried to warn her,
But she was out cold

The Great Pursuit

And you cannot waste your time
You know, you and I
We were both born to fly
My legs are tired of chasing the sky
My mouth has run dry
And blurred are my eyes

But as the sun sets I make out the moon
So I continue
The great pursuit
This is the path I decided to choose
And I'll get there soon,
Yeah I'll be home soon

Safe

And it's dark outside
But I only see light
I'm just so happy tonight

Just Wait

Like water slipping through my hands
Like fingers letting go of sand
Like a rushing clock that will not stand
Is the time I spend in Neverland

Again.

And yet another shocking word
Like I've been punched right in the gut
Something I feel they don't deserve
Another door for them slammed shut

You moved away, so far from me
And now I've gotten the news
Now that you're far out of reach
That's when illness moves to you

Brilliant.

It's brilliant, really. This whole idea of "family." The reality that one does not have to go through this life alone. Each one of us holds in our life a group of people that the Lord above all has placed us with.
And I believe most people overlook that.
God is in control. God always was in control. He created Heaven, and he created Earth. And He created you. So, if you dare to think like this, you shouldn't forget that He created your heart. He knows exactly what you need in a group of people you will travel through life with. Do you really not believe that He put each one of them in your family for a purpose?
Now, they by no means are perfect. I can eagerly attest to that. They make their mistakes, they sometimes won't understand you, they're unfair. But God gave them to you. Friends may come and go. You can choose to leave a person's life. However, at our ages, you cannot simply forget your family. Your brothers and sisters and parents are going to be there for a long time, so why on earth would you not try to grow close to them? It breaks my heart how people are so blind. So utterly blind to the lives of their siblings-- older and younger. Do you seriously pay no attention to their struggles, and what horrible messes and trials they're going through? Honestly?
I have learned that the deepest wounds can come from a sibling ignoring you. Some of the sharpest blades cut when you try again and again to earn their respect, but to no avail. As a younger and older sibling, I know that I see the flaws of my brothers and sister. But I need to examine mine instead of theirs, and fix mine. Complaining about them is actually not going to help me. At all.
Now, this whole thing has happened to me. The whole, "I'm going to fix myself so I can be better to them," thing. And then, you know what? Sometimes they don't notice. They pay no heed. They do nothing and make no effort to grow closer to you. And gosh, how it frustrated me.
But that was me trying to do it in my own power.
And I can't! Yeah, it took me long enough to figure that one out. I just can't. So you know what you've gotta do? Pray. And that should not sound cliche. Do you think that nothing's going to happen if you pray to the God of the universe, who just so happened to create you? Really? Do you know how silly that is? If your circumstances don't change, your heart certainly will. The person in your family that hurts you the most, the person that pays the least attention-- that is the exact person you need to pray for every day. Every single day.
You know, your family says so much more than you will ever know. People you attempt sharing the gospel with may never, ever accept a church invitation. They may never join your Bible study. But the very way your family interacts can change a heart drastically. I'm not even kidding.
And here's the last thing before I end my sermon. ;)
We're teenagers, right? And the majority of you have teenage siblings. It may be a little brother or an older sister, like me, or it might be the other way around. Whatever it is. These teenage years are some of the toughest years of our lives. I think we all figured that out just a little too late. But there's something else we need to figure out. We've been given a second chance; this is something we can learn before it's too late. You need, if at all possible, to find a way to grow close to your teenage siblings. That is one of the most important things. You're both, or even all three, going through heck right now, correct? Just think of how much easier it would be if you could talk to them. If you could open up to them. You've got to learn to stick together-- it will be so much better, believe me. And I know there are friends. There are almost always friends, and they share that job. But they don't share your house. Your siblings kind of do. Kind of.
But if you can't open up to them, then at least be there for them. That is something that takes a tremendous amount of bravery. To be a shoulder to cry on for someone who doesn't understand you. Hopefully, this won't be the case. But if you try again and again to form a bond with that sibling, and it doesn't work, then you must do your best to be their support anyway.
"But what if I get even more hurt? What if it doesn't work? What then?" You know, I heard somewhere that God doesn't call us to be successful. He calls us to be faithful. Praying for and respecting our brothers and sisters is being faithful to God. If you wanna disagree with that... well, maybe you should open up your Bible again.

Lacuna

I miss you and it hurts
Don't know what could be worse
My groans turn into words
"I miss you and it hurts."

Sailboat

Above a black ocean
The infinity of night
No one treads those waters
An absence of the light

A cold, distant rumbling
Of thunder and of hail
Where not a boat would venture
Mine will still set sail

Ten Wishes

When you don't see the shooting star

While you still have ten wishes

When the water only warms up

After you've washed all the dishes

When you miss every single hit

And hit all of your misses

Just know that I'll be there for you

I've made it my mission

(Gone)

They don't see

Anyone here

They're staring right

Between my ears

I do believe

I've disappeared

Sleepless

I kept waking up last night
Like I was fighting half a fight
And when I saw that morning light
I knew that I lost that time

But I guess that that's okay
Because I'll win the fight today
Please just tell me that I'll stay
I don't wanna fall away

Monday

The pain's in my head
And I'm short of breath
I think my disorder
Has come back again

This room is too hot
I asked them, they're not
Can you please tell me
What's going on?

Floor It

The things I pen
Those endless ends
Now I will cease
To make your sense
I'll walk alone
Alone, alone
But I'm still fine
They all should know
And I will stand
So take my hand
My hopes will number
Grains of sand
I hear footsteps
In the night
And it takes too long
To know they're mine
There is no one in the room
That I see through the mirror
No one, this I knew
The million things not clearer
If a girl I could see
She would have insisted
"Don't try to fix me,
"I'm non-existent."
I learned this new phrase
One I'll surely use
'Cause I need to get away
Sometimes I can't choose
I walked alone before it
Think I tried to ignore it
My heart, I probably tore it
So get in the car and floor it
Wanted to run
Pretend it wasn't there
Escape to the sun
Pretend I didn't care
But that was for a long time ago
I don't live there anymore
Thank goodness I'm not alone
Though one set of footsteps hits the floor
I just have to try
Try to remember
Those people don't lie
Things have gotten better
And I can't understand that place
Not at all, not one bit
Because it really hurt me sometimes
 But I'm so attached to it
It kinda feels like home
Though I felt so judged
I always walked alone
But still I held no grudge
That pier gives me this ache
Because I grew up there, you see
So at home and out of place
And it was torn away from me
It pains me going back
I'm begging to know why
The slowest heart attack
But still, I never died
Well, my head now hurts
And I wanna close my eyes
I should stop messing with words
And sleep while I can tonight
Off to dream, I swore it
The more left out, the more fit
And dream-land will record it
So get in the car and floor it



(Wrote this last night. Late, in case you couldn't tell. xD)

Cherry Trees

As the sun set, the giant cherry trees
Blossomed in perfection
A photographic memory
In the lake was a reflection

I could hardly take all of it in
The best part, you next to me
An adventure last night we'd begin
But it was only just a dream

I'll probably visit some place tonight
It doesn't really matter where
And I remain till morning light
As long as you are there

Battle Cry

I am the daughter of the King
I'm a warrior on His side
Serving He who made all things
Is an honor few recognize

He's armed me with a sword and shield
And I know He's got my back
So we march onto that battlefield
Face the enemy's attack

This is my only battle cry
I'll follow You to the end
Because for me, You came and died
But You've risen again

Half a Duet

Home alone
I dance through the house
An invisible partner
Spins me around
And I sing a part
Half a duet
But there's only silence
During the rest
I can't help but wonder
Are you singing at home?
Or am I just silly
For singing alone?

Determination Appreciated

Don't know what's going on
It seems like yesterday
I was ready, going strong
Now my motivation's drained
But, as I'm thinking
I'm realizing the strive
I was never strong, just sinking
My goal was to survive

Tune

You are a song
You are stuck in my head
Singing along
But your voice is the best

Now you are gone
Not with me, I regret
And now I am wearing
My fob watch again

Got a List!

"What's wrong with you?"
Well, a few things
I know what to do
That's the problem, it seems
School used that glue
Now I'm stuck in routine
And that's just item two
Of what's wrong with me

Always.

'Cause you're looking in the mirror
And you tell me you don't know him
But I do
I'm telling you
And I need a chance to show him
We both have views
Of your heart
And I've had clues
From the start
Still, you told me you're fine
The exact reason why
Why I won't trust your view
I'll trust mine
'Cause I now see the truth
And it's so hurting you
No, you're far from alright
Say you've got to pull through
And my view is the proof
All the proof that I use
All the proof that I knew
You've been going through it too
And I knew you weren't fine
What could I say?
I'm losing time!
It's like that nightmare came to life
So I will say
What I said that night
"Don't lose hope,"
I will beg
"Don't lost hope for the the light!
"I still know you despite
"The fact that you don't.
"He's still somewhere inside
"Don't lose sight,
"'Cause I won't."
Reaching still, I'm desperate
To find you in this hectic
Silence you have not said
I know it's more
Than an empty page
I know it's a war
That you're forced to now wage
And it's my turn, I'm all ears
I will always be here
I will fight off your fears
I will dry all your tears
You will not disappear
On my watch, it is clear
And you might feel
Like you aren't heard
But I'm still telling you
Just go to the Word
And get on your knees
You know I'm on mine
Saying, "Please, please, please,
"God please provide!"
'Cause you're under attack
From the peace that you lack
And I won't turn my back
And I won't run and hide

Bk,x K

I'll be reaching out to you
Farther and farther
Until I grasp the truth

(Always.)

What is Right

The one thing I want to say
I could walk down the sidewalk
To worlds far away
And never find someone the same
Seven billion people
And none of them came
Even close
There's this rope
That I tied to a shooting star
Saying, "I wanna go home!
"Take me to where you are."
But you'll always appear very far
And speaking of those
I'm holding my hope
Got tons inside this heart
Though it is hard
I'll tell you I'm not letting go
By the way, my love for what you've all penned
I must say will never depend
On whether or not I recommend
It or copy and paste and then send
Singing, "Thank you for being there,
"Dear God, 'cause it had me running scared."
But my point for tonight
Is get up and fight
You battle the night
And keep what is right

I feel as though we just need to talk.
Just for a while, a very long while,
And we could spill out all our thoughts.

Wendy-Bird

Good morning and goodnight
I love this pretty light
And now that I have the time
All this nonsense I shall write
It's really, really fun
You can write about anyone
I think I'll write about the evening sun
Oh, it's beautiful at dusk
It's time to reflect
What shall happen next?
I love the little song
That you hear from a music box
Mechanical pieces clicking each other
Creating a sound without a flaw
And oh!
I never answered your questions
And so
Here's my answer I'll mention
Yes, why, yes I do
All of those and a billion others too
I even daresay I recall more than you
And I'll say it with a smirk,
'Cause I know that it's true
I was actually laughing as I read them
But I also wanted to cry
All the moments that we had then
And the ones that will come with time
Well, there's also something I have to say to Baylie
Yes you
Do you know you're amazing?
'Cause I'd walk awfully far
To tell you that you are
Don't listen to the people that say
You're not set apart
Because, really,
They're wrong.
And here's to my sister
If she reads this someday
Because everyone loves her
In a thousand different ways
And I do most of all
The pictures hanging on the wall
Are seconds of time frozen in place
But now those seconds seem so small
And they are so weird to look at
For me to say, "I remember taking that"
Like fragments of my life
That I will never get back
Every day
So very strange
So very strange indeed
And oh, hey
Speaking of strange
My friends still talk to me
I don't get it
Never will
But despite that
I love it still
Oh, that day was amazing
Like standing underneath confetti
Singing along like,
"I know this song!"
And watching Josh Dun get so sweaty
Screaming youth
Singing truth
And rapping things
Adults once knew
The things they've felt 
Would make you melt
Grown ups are grown up kids
They weren't born already excelled
If that's what you call it
I personally stall it
"Come and catch me if you can,
"Time!
"Yeah, trust me, I know Peter Pan,
"Time!"
As if I can escape it
Pretend I can delay it
But I've learned even Peter's afraid
He just doesn't like to say it
But there's one good thing
I can say off the top of my head
One good thing about growing up
But I think I'll just leave it unsaid
Yeah, I'll just leave it unread
I love you guys, you know it
I get online, muttering, "priorities!"
Then all like "OH MY GOSH YOU POSTED."
'Cause I also love reading all your things
My feet land on every other step
When I run upstairs
Because it's far to slow to walk
Man, I really just don't care
My blinds are open if I turned
If I were up there
If I ran every other step
If I were upstairs
If I did it
Didn't quit it
Should've said it
When I met them
And all the guns are aimed at me
They are firing with words
Behind the trigger I think I can see
I'm the one shooting Wendy-bird
Will she fall from the sky?
Will I fall when I cry?
With every sigh
I hate goodbyes
The stains on that pillow
Are proof I don't lie
This was never about me
So don't ever doubt me
When I'm speaking through these rhymes
But gosh, you just found me
When those guns surround me
But the water that hates me
Will still fail to drown me
Yeah, those liars that hate me
Still fail to uncrown me

And it would seem
That the people I don't know
Are only growing stranger
And the bodyguards I have
Are the ones causing the danger
The one time you give me the key
To unlocking your new code
Is the time I can't figure it out
Unlike the rest when you didn't know
I'm remembering you tonight
Because you really help me fight
You don't even have to try
You just help me every time

Goodbye

I still see her sometimes
Hands in her pockets
Tears in her eyes
A war she's not willing to fight
It wouldn't be fair
Wouldn't be wise

She's gotta face it
She cannot chase it
If it's not meant to be
Her energy's wasted
So she will fake it
'Cause she can't change it
Her heart is so strong
But now she might break it

She walks, her feet on the grass
They land on the ground
I land in the past
She's hoping that this doesn't last
But it's fading fast
This hope that she has

She's gotta face it
She cannot chase it
If it's not meant to be
Her energy's wasted
So she will fake it
'Cause she can't change it
Her heart is so strong
But now she might break it

The clouds in the sky never move
They hang above her
A sorrowful gloom
With the rain, she will storm in her room
She screams at her heart,
"Why do you get to choose?"

She's gotta face it
She cannot chase it
If it's not meant to be
Her energy's wasted
So she will fake it
'Cause she can't change it
Her heart is so strong
But now she might break it


Afraid to hope
Tries to let go
Won't admit it to herself,
Much less another soul
They will not know
It will not show
The perks of a stubborn mind
You end up on your own


And that's what she thought.


I still see her sometimes
Hands in her pockets
Tears in her eyes
But I turn and I wave her goodbye
She no longer exists,
That past self of mine




(10/18/14)

Clarity

She spends her time dreaming
When reality's not quite enough
Stares out the window, wishing
'Cause life can get so tough
She's learned so many things
With the bad will always come good
To jump up and spread her wings
When no one knew she could

He's the firstborn male at home
And he's searching for a gem
Voices tell him he's alone
He's ignoring them
No one seems to notice
The things he's dealing with
Not as many as our troubles
But that doesn't mean they don't exist

'Cause we're all singing a part
Of the exact same melody
And each of us is a star
In a vibrant galaxy

Another girl is waiting
And it's slowly killing her
But she's so strong for saving
What will be best, she is sure
She thinks she fails a lot
But she's wrong; she's doing fine
'Cause she's relying on her God
For the things that will take time

A boy looks to the sky
Trying not to be afraid
Around is neck, Joshua 1:9
And he stands up tall and brave
But the struggles are within
And the future's just too close
Sometimes the fights under your skin
Are the ones that hurt the most

Yeah, we're all singing a part
Of the exact same melody
And each of us is a star
In a vibrant galaxy




And so here I am again
So repetitive, I write
Words from my fingers through my pen
But I write for them this time

There's something you need to know
So listen, here we go

We walk on our own
Hoping we're not alone
And the evidence supports our hopes
It will only ever grow
Not a fall that we take
Not a single mistake
Is a separate move
That has never been made
We're reaching for someone
Who understands
And if you read the words of others
You'll find an outstretched hand

'Cause we're all singing a part
Of the exact same melody
And each of us is a star
In a vibrant galaxy

We're all screaming a part
Of the exact same agony
And again we'll fall apart
But God is our clarity

Stuck- - Stuck... Stuck.

Nobody

Nobody

Nobody knows

It never

It never

It never shows

You always

You always

Move at this beat

Here you are

Here you are

Stuck on repeat



(10/16/14)

The Witty Idiot

Would you turn your back
If you knew it was an act?
That the confidence I lack
Is displayed when I talk smack?

I'll give up and I will sit
Make a cover with my wit
But the "party that I've lit"
Really isn't quite my fit

All those funny things I say
"I'm the best" ain't true, by the way
Making jokes of how I'm great
You can't trust me any day



(10/16/14)

Recollection

All these funny things I recall
Little memories, I think of them all
It may not make sense to anyone else
But it's what comes with a while to myself

Like when you said you remembered
The post from the twenty-third of September
Just a little passing comment about poems
How I wrote it one day, and then later I would post

And you remembered it
I think I stared at you for a bit
Like, "He can't be serious at all,"
Yeah, it's funny the things I recall

Reflection

I don't know
Maybe you remember it
It was perhaps
Two weeks before we left

The reflection through the glass
Mirror on the wall
Eye-contact is so strange
And powerful, most of all

The morning after that
I sat in the same seat
The room empty, I looked at the mirror
But you weren't to be seen

Non-Stop

There is
No
Such
Thing
As keeping everything under control
You control yourself alone
And all else is out of your hands
Which actually relieves me
Because I can stop striving
To make everything alright
All
The
Time

Flashback

It came
The slowest heart attack
But then it left
It'll never come back

Confusing Lines

Breathing
Keep on breathing
If I gasp
Is that called cheating?
"You're alive, your heart is beating.
"Your textbook's there, so keep on reading."
One day I'll talk back to myself
I'll pick her up by the hair,
Throw her on the shelf
I'll snap back at her, I will tell
Her she can leave, she never helps
I'll maybe kick her out the door
But oh, silly me
I've done all that before
I guess I'll just do it some more
She sometimes loves me,
But she's not one I adore
My pen keeps on moving
'Cause I need a break
I always turn to writing
When my collected-ness is at stake
But I probably didn't need to tell you that
You probably saw this post and said,
"Look whose anxiety's back!"
Probably
Possibly
And I'm sorry
You probably get the worst of it
As you know
I just explode
And no one else has heard of it
All my stress pours into these rhymes
But nearly no one hears a thing otherwise
And that is why
This angst of mine
Is written in
Confusing lines
Yes, that is why
This angst of mine
Is on this page,
 This page will die
I pity my pens
Running over paper
Over and over again
They'll all run out in the end
And I'll say "I'm sorry,
"But I cannot pretend."
I get in that car
Ride somewhere not far
And the music won't help me
If someone else is in charge
Stare at my feet
Ignoring the beat
I'll melt through the seat
And land in the street
The car rolls away
No one noticed today
Except for the One who still
Hears when I pray
And oh, do I pray!
Day after day
And sometimes I feel He won't
Hear what I say
But these things take faith
So faith I will take
I'll take it in leaps
'Cause I refuse to break
Again I will pray
"Show me Your way.
"Cause mine's just not working,
"And I want to be brave."
So I'm opening up His Word
I'm letting in the light
And I can't say I'm not heard
For this is what I find:
"You know what I long for, Lord.
"You hear my every sigh.
"My heart beats wildly, my strength fails.
"And I am going blind."
And oh my gosh,
How right.
He's listened every night
When I crawl into bed,
Under my covers and stress,
And I talk to the ceiling and cry
And He sees me with both eyes
Can't thank Him enough
That unfailing love
That I always need to re-find
I talk about my problems
But there are solutions, too
And I write when I can't see them
But they're still there, it's true
It's late again now
In my mind, I'll get out
I'm hearing your laugh
And my sorrows all drown
I recall clearly that pattern
The one that you picked
When all my fears shattered
I listened to it before and after
But the times in between were
The ones that really mattered
'Cause man,
You've got it mastered
And I'm gonna need Therapy
For these memories scattered
Sometimes I don't know,
But sometimes I do
And tonight I know I'd much rather
Be talking to you
But you are probably asleep
Hopefully
And my little brother's not so little,
Dude he's actually a teen
Ethan, I told you don't get older
Now do you see what I mean?
But on the contrary,
I'm discovering
Not all of it's bad,
Well, not at this age you see
But for you there are great things in store
And they are everywhere
But you don't have to go shopping
(See what I did there?)
And God has plans for you
Even though things will get tough
Bro, I will be here too
And you will have enough
I think I should close my eyes
I'm so tired, I'll sleep tonight
Sleep before it's light
So on that note, goodbye


Or maybe not
Maybe I'll keep writing
And never get caught
Hey, time for trivia!
Did you know when "like" is added before a word
It gives it more power than when it was originally heard?
It like, completely and totally works
That's just this new thing I learned
So whatever, taught a lesson
Brownie points earned
Saying "like"
Also makes you sound white
Sometimes
I love how this post went from dramatic
To random and climactic
But that's sometimes how my mind works
At one in the morning...

Don't Worry

Everything is going to be fine.
Better yet, it's going to be great.

Awake

Why are you awake, my dear?
Is it because of joy or fear?
We miss the days, I know it's clear
And I'm still wishing you were near

I guess things sometimes have to go
Like the walk we took, or the dance so slow
But the memories will always glow
And new ones come, we both should know

So why are you awake, my dear?
Is it because of joy or fear?
I really shouldn't find it queer
It's the same reason I'm here

Memento

Late at night I lie in bed
Still hear your voice in my head
You sing a song I hope won't end
Even if the moment's dead

Skipping Stones

I still see them skipping stones
Bounce across water, there they go
And finally something is shown
The realization of what I know

That the time I had was like that rock
Almost never fully caught
Deflected off the surface, left in shock
The days are done but I am not

Like the pebbles as they went
Memories of laughs and friends
Never fully sinking in
Never, that is, till the end

Escape

Could've cried because of joy
Up there with all things beautiful
Memories we all deployed
Into our minds, into our hearts

Trees and trees, and then the river
Where worries would never find us
Casting lines into the water
Running, running, running far

Living life with everything
Happy tears shined in our eyes
Relief would cease to flee from me
Taking in God's work of art

Could've cried that it didn't go slower
Why'd we have to say goodbye?
This is something that shouldn't be over
We shouldn't have to be apart

Grasp

Every moment
Took my breath away
Every second
I wish that it could stay

Safe.

The last time I was here
I'd wake up in tears
Day one, day two, day three
Your absence haunted me

I remember being there
In the tent, in the nightmares
Almost wondering why
But I knew deep inside

Now I'm sleeping, safe
Because you're not away
I was homesick, now no need
Because this time home's with me


(10/11/14)

Still Doesn't Work

Let me capture this moment
While I'm not a mess
Put it on paper and fold it
Hold it to my chest
'Cause the minute I think the world is great
It falls apart again
And the minute I'll tell you I'm going to break
The horrid feeling ends
Get ready, please do
Because the words now are coming
I'm about to plunge into
One of those posts that keeps running
On and on it goes
It's late and I don't know
How much sense it's gonna make
But at least it's not for show
Maybe I should go to bed...
Nah, too many words inside my head
If I could catch my breath
I think that just might be best
Please forgive all of my typos
It's not a humanly hour
And I might be going psycho
But all the best people
Think outside the box
Even if the mind is inside
They dash fast as a fox
I hate how people hate you
Or me, or him, or her
We might do the same too
And you can't be sure
To make yourself feel better?
Is it worth that all?
'Cause tripping someone up
Is an excellent way to fall
You might get "ahead" in life
By not doing what you should
And you might be great someday
But will it cost you being good?
There she stands by the door
Waiting for someone she'll try to ignore
Just a ghost of the sort
Of the person I may have been before
For two long years I fought that war
But winners don't fight anymore
I've got this bucket that sits in the corner
Full of drops made out of paper
And my joy's in the form of that water
'Cause people thought of Emily and wrote those words for her
I can sleep content tonight
I did all I could,
And I did alright
Sometimes I write so I forget
It doesn't work, it hasn't yet
'Cause I forget to forget
And with myself, I've won a bet
Because no matter what I do
You're always somehow bleeding through
And I remember what I've tried not to:
You're not here, I'm missing you.

Finally

I saw you come
Gave me that hug
"How long have you been here!?"
"Well, we just pulled up!"

My day was made
100 times eight
I forgot how to speak
You stole my breath away

Beneath Your Hope

It's a choice that we make
A path that we take
A dirt-covered road
Of all our mistakes
And over again
We'll think it's the end
Until we realize
We're not broken, just bent

Gleaming Dawn

Forgive and forget
Don't forget to forgive
It's not over yet
This chance to still live

Bravery

And I will be brave
Forgetting my ways
Give my heart to Him,
The One who still saves

And I will have faith
Not floating away
I'm clinging to God,
The One who still stays

Noticed

I love the sound
Of when I am found
At first it scares me
Because it's so loud

Maybe not for them
I just get frightened
It's such a surprise
But my fear always ends

And now that I'm seen
I start realizing
That I made the right choice
To keep being me

Open Arms

Everyone is welcome here
All your joys and all your fears
I won't judge, you're crystal clear
I don't blame you for your tears

Goodnight, Goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight
Sleep well, sleep tight
The morning light
Will soon be bright
And now I fight
With all my might
We will make it,
You and I
Sleep well, sleep tight
Goodnight, goodnight

Okay

I am in love
With the idea of being okay
With the thought that I will make it through
To see another day

Different Passengers

We are driving
The tires are turning
He's in your seat
My heart is yearning

The same music plays
"Ink" has this phrase
"So much that it hurts,"
My friend is away

Already

I would say this song reminds me of you,
But that would be a lie.
In order for someone to be reminded of something,
They can't have been thinking of it in the first place.

Forever Rose

And just like that forever rose
The memory remains
As if that point in time just froze
In my head to replay

And you and I are still swaying back and forth.

New Blog

Hey everyone! (Yeah, all three of you.) So, my almost-thirteen-year-old brother, Ethan, got a blog! You should totes check it out.
leavesofsignificance.blogspot.com

Nonexistent

Yeah, I felt it missing
I felt it in the air
My night was complete, but still
I couldn't help but care

Yes, dear beautiful,
I'm writing about you
That shouldn't be surprising
Come on dreamer, we both know the truth

Maybe now I've caught your attention
Please don't tell me that you're blind
I see things no one will notice
And sometimes your loneliness is what I find

I'm not still a little girl
Much to my dismay
But if I've gotta be grown up, give me the credit
I'm my own person, and I see you day after day

Never Scared

I saw someone last night
Who has been through it all
Walk up onto that stage
Without one foot to fall

He knows where he stands
A feeling that is glorious
And when they doubted his win
He stood up there, victorious

Understood

I hope it was happy
Sixteen is a big number
But you can manage it
There are a lot of good things
About being sixteen

A Long-Awaited Reply

Can you hear me?
No, I'm fine
I've got things
Just on my mind
I'm not sure
Of what I need
I'm not here--
Pay me no heed

I can hear you

That's a lie

I do too,

But we've got time

And I am, so

Don't worry

And yes you are

You're all I see

My Disorder

Here we go again
Think I'ma blow again
Everything
Is killing me
And I just don't know again
I'm not depressed
Or like the rest
Least, I don't think
But I'm trying my best
Don't feel bad
I've got this one
The stress I've had
Will soon be done
So here I am on my knees
Begging and begging you
"Stop reading this please!"
You don't need to see words like these
I've got this, I've got this,
I've got this, you see
I call it my disorder
It's my fatality
'Cause I am on the border
Of insanity
I find it so funny
Laughing as my eyes get wetter
I kept on telling me
"Trust me, myself, it will only get better."
It's not looking that way I see
I'm on top of the world, then face in the dirt
But looks aren't everything
The best, in the end, are the ones who've been hurt
I am an emotional mess
In the morning I hardly get dressed
Before I am put to the test
With two little brothers
Whom I love with all of me
But they yell at each other
And I'm hearing it constantly
And constantly
They're all busy
Quite just like me
But I'm sitting
And I'm writing
With my everything
About this scene
Those little boys
Are watching me
They've spotted me
All out of order
"I'm Emily,
"And this is my disorder."
Then there she is
Holding all my respect
 I admire her
And then she forgets
She puts me on the left side
Of the zero on that
Number line
Because I try
And it slips my mind
Soon I'm telling her
About my life
And I'm watching my flaws in action
Looking for good
There's not even a fraction
Still looking for "sweet"
Still working on "kind"
But I'll tell you, I'm loyal,
If that's all I can find
I'll be transparent with you
If you're reading this
You deserve the truth
I treasure your smiles and calls
But if I'm honest
I don't deserve them at all
You're always there when I fall
You say that I'm worth it,
But I just feel small
Still, I love you so much
It gets hard to bear it
So I'll take your kindness
And do my best to share it
'Cause in the end
You will have been
The only ones
I called my friends
I can't help but feel
The rest of them
Just aren't real
They all pretend
And my disorder's
Taking over
Am I right?
I can't remember
What should I do?
What do I say?
I'll look to You
And I will pray

What I'd Give

I stare at the moon
Goodbyes said too soon
What I would give
To get back to you

Not long enough
Am I strong enough?
I think I can wait
But it'll be tough

Several days
Eternity away
I'll get out the words
That I didn't say

But then again
Always in the end
Those words don't come out
I won't pretend

I stare at the moon
Goodbyes said too soon
My gosh, what I'd give
To get back to you.

Ache

Another morning
After that night
A silent mourning
Of that goodbye

Another ache
Fills in quick
What can I take?
I'm so homesick

A pretty rise
Of golden sun
But the place by my side
Is missing someone

Throughout the day
It grows and grows
Spreads its way
Never slows

And it might work
To stop thinking
It might not hurt
But I keep dreaming

'Cause it was too perfect
Yet not long enough
It's always worth it
It's never tough

It honestly aches
That's not a lie
Right when I awake
That's when it arrives

The day carries on
And the message came
Could it be wrong?
I'll see you again!

The window is kind
And my heart skips five beats
For I look outside
And you're what I see






(Would've been written last Sunday.)