Again
Again, again



Hayley Williams 

I Miss You.

A boy who can make anyone smile
Hard to understand sometimes
It's easy to see the costumes he wears
And to laugh at his endless jokes
But his heartbeat is an army drum
Because he's fighting to be himself
Which is funny
Because who couldn't love him
Exactly the way he is?


Rebekah Grey

But you do not look up anymore, and I don't know why.

Sixteen going on twenty

There's this section of my brain

That's dedicated to what makes me scared

It's called the future, and no matter what I think of

This part of my brain is always there

Always intertwined in what I'm saying

Makes me think of what I'm thinking

Has to do with what I'm doing

Prayers in between my blinking

I have many sort-of talents 

And not enough dedication to any of them

Like a Jack-of-all-trades, collecting pastimes

But hardly any good, just playing pretend

Because I could be an author, write really deep books

I could be a teacher, be a light in kids' lives

I could be poet, maybe express myself some

I could bring them to God with the stories I write

I could be a counselor, (like I could handle people's problems) 

I could be a songwriter, make music all day

But I can't see myself doing any of this

So all I am now is just really afraid

I know that there is a plan for my life

But I can't just sit around and do nothing all night

I know that God will take good care of me

But I've gotta be doing something on the other side

Now I'm trying to tune in and out the voices 

That channel through my mind

Filter in the problems

Filter out the lies 

The only thing I had to listen to

When I was younger then

Was the simple voice that told me

"Just don't be like them"

But now the train tracks spin off

In so many directions 

Am I not good enough,

Or just seeking perfection?

Modesty (Rant).

Okay, this is a lot.  If you might get offended, just don't read it.  I'm not forcing opinions on anyone or speaking to anyone in particular, I just wanted to write about this topic because I feel very convicted about it.



I hear a lot of controversy about what girls/women should be wearing.  And while I don't have a list of what to wear and what not to wear, what to show and what not to show, I do have a different perspective on this than most people.
There's a LOT of complaining from girls about dress codes.  Period.  Whether it be at school, or camp, or a church deal, or a dance, or whatever.  I hear it.  All the time.  This post isn't some vain attempt to stop the world from complaining about dress codes, again, it's just my opinion.  Anyway, a lot of what I hear is critism about how stupid the codes are, yadda yadda, because boys shouldn't get so distracted with girls' bodies in the first place.  They shouldn't be looking, right?  Bullcrap.  Listen ladies, I believe that boys should train their eyes to not stare lustfully at women, but that doesn't mean we should walk around showing off our skin.  When we end up showing too much, they will get distracted.  As frustrating as it may be, that is how they are wired.  We can't just tell them to close their eyes.

I get that a lot of guys need to pull their act together, but don't you think that it would be helpful if women just didn't put on something so revealing in the first place?  I feel like girls always talk about how men NEED to stop objectifying women -- which, believe me, they do -- but our clothes honestly don't support that at all.  Help them out, alright?  If you think what you're about to put on would make someone trip up, don't do it.  It's not that hard.

Another thing I come across is how "school shouldn't teach girls to be ashamed of their bodies."
Okay.
Shut up.
Look, I don't know the school's intentions, but it probably isn't to make you embarrassed about your body.  The motive may not be the best, whatever it is, but why the heck are we disagreeing with dress codes?  I thought we were tired of being objectified?  I heard somewhere that modesty isn't about how you hide your beauty, it's about how you handle it.  If the only way you can be confident about your body is to show it off to the whole world, we have another problem entirely.  Don't be ridiculous.

(Now, I have a few rather tall gal friends who get really frustrated with dress codes.  That's fine, I understand that, but what I'm speaking to now has nothing to do with that.)

I've had people ask me about my "modest" or "homeschooled" clothing choices, lol.  Do people need reasons for what I wear?  Okay.  Here they are:
1.  "Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God?  You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price.  So you must honor God with your body."  -- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
That right there should be enough, but I'll go into detail, since I'm sure I've stepped on enough toes already. :P  People always say, "It's my body, I'll do what I want with it."  But for me, that isn't true at all, because before my body belongs to me or anyone else, it belongs to God.  This body was created by Him, and He, being my Father, loves and honors it dearly.  This is where His Holy Spirit resides, I am NOT about to disrespect it, or let anyone else disrespect it, capiche?  God has paid for it and made it holy, I'm not going to just go showing it off.
2.  Before I belong to anyone else, I belong to my future husband.  God has made this form for him as well.  I truly believe that letting just anyone see too much of it would be disrespecting my future man, too.
3.  I also belong to me.  Going 'round letting everyone see a lot of me is really disrespecting myself, okay?  I am not some common piece of whatever that anyone can look at; I am special.  I am a treasure.  The way we dress affects how people speak to us.  If we don't respect ourselves, others certainly won't.  I am unique and will not be objectified, much less objectify myself.  Kay?  Kay.
4.  Finally, I love my guy friends too much to trip them up like that.  Their focus needs to be on more than anything I might show off.  It needs to be on God, school, friends, intelligent conversations, and whatever else.  Not me.
If we wear showy clothes for attention, do you see how selfish that is?  Our guy friends, hopefully, are trying not to be distracted by girls' bodies, and when we wear revealing clothing, that's kinda rude.

While I personally think that modest girls (and guys) are more attractive, I have to point out that I dislike the phrase "modest is hottest."  I agree with it, but it's still putting the focus of wearing modest clothing on impressing other people.  Because, who doesn't wanna be hot, right?  Our motivation shouldn't be what others think of us as much as it should be honoring God.

-- I'm not dissing fashion or makeup or whatever.  If you wanna dress cute, go for it.  If you love makeup, go for it.  This isn't about that. --

I've talked a lot about "distracting guys."  All of what I said is true, but again, not distracting guys shouldn't be your main reason for covering your body.  We are not responsible for others' thoughts, and we are not primarily sexual objects in need of covering.  Our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit.  Although, modesty is still courtesy to guys, don't get me wrong.  Also, here's a secret: covering our bodies reveals our dignity.

Yeah, I have strong opinions about this.  But here's a note:  I do not judge girls for what they are wearing.  I will never condemn you for your clothing, no matter what I think about it.  I believe that the inside is far, far more important than the outside.  I'm just saying that, while I won't think badly about you for what you put on this morning,  what you wear does tell people something about your heart.







(Lol, I feel like I'm writing one of those Christian girl devotional books, but I wanted to say something.)

Count

So how many times are you gonna tell yourself it's just hormones?
Spend the days staring at the sky
Spend the nights staring at closed blinds
Spend your life staring at closed eyes
Because nobody sees things like I do
And the feeling never leaves me
That nobody really sees me
That no one really believes me
I pick up this sword over and over again
But it's getting a little too heavy
Like I'm scared that the blade would forget me
Like I've found I'm not actually ready
I just wanna be stronger than this
With at least some confidence
Because I stare at the future and say I can't
But inside I wonder if I could do it
My head tells me this should end
My heart says don't be like them
My mouth smiles and pretends
My eyes water over again
Several hours away, she's strong, almost fine
One, maybe two, and I break down and cry
I keep on moving through this life
I don't know how but I remember why
I'm not ready, I'm not ready
I tell Mom and I tell him
Trying and trying not to panic
And my calm is wearing thin
My feet keep dragging up the stairs
My shoulders hold too many cares
My thoughts as tangled as my hair
My tongue is quiet everywhere
Eyes are wide open
But I can't tell what I'm looking at
I know that I'll make it
But I want to do more than that

I'm scared of being a mom

Mom, why do people call doors "doors?"

Mom, why do people get itchy?

Mom, why do some people call you by your first name?

Mom, why do people kiss when they get married?

Mom, why do people get hiccups?

Mom, why do boys keep their last name and girls don't?

Mom, why do people blink?

Mom, why did you name me Emily?

Mom, why doesn't everyone just learn the same language?

Mom, why do girls wear makeup?

Mom, why don't we go camping with our friends anymore?

Mom, why do grown ups have so much to do?

Mom, why don't I get sunburned like Rebekah and Ethan?

Mom, why are our friends so busy?

Mom, why do Christians divorce if the Bible says not to?

Mom, why do people move away?

Mom, why have I never met your dad?

Mom, why do girls dress immodestly?

Mom, why are superhero comic books, who are about good people, full of trash?

Mom, why don't we see our old group of friends anymore?

Mom, why do I need to brush my hair so much?

Mom, why were cuss words even invented?

Mom, life was perfect. Why do things have to change?

Mom, why do people forget so much of their lives?

Mom, why does Rebekah have so many friends and I don't?

Mom, why do things have to change?

Mom, why do I have to go to the dentist?

Mom, why is Ethan better than me at math?

Mom, why do people love Rebekah and not me?

Mom, why do you make me go places where people just wanna see her?

Mom, why do I have to get medical shots?

Mom, why do I have to go to this pool party?

Mom, why do people lose faith as they get older?

Mom, why didn't we grow up close to our cousins?

Mom, why do I get homesick?

Mom, why is being a girl so dumb?

Mom, why can't I do this?

Mom, why can't I control what I feel?

Mom, why is my heart so selfish and stupid?

Mom, why do people so easily forget the good parts of life?

Mom, why do I have to be so emotional?

Mom, why isn't Rebekah as emotional as me?

Mom, why don't I always feel God?

Mom, why do my friends have to go through so much?

Mom, why do I have to feel what other people feel?

Mom, why does life go by so fast these days?

Mom, why can't I fix them?

Mom, why?

Part III

I watch the tornadoes

Rage over the field

Still, she grows lillies 

With Your promises sealed

Blown and torn and shaken

And someday even healed

The daisy seems delicate

As all flowers do 

But she won't be shaken 

When she holds the truth

The winds fly around her

But she knows her roots

He grows like a little green plant

Smiling through his leaves

Blooms on careful soil

Flowing in the breeze

His words are works of wonder

He's still astounding me

front door

I say I'm sorry a lot
Sorry about that
I'm sorry about a lot of things
I'm sorry in a lot of ways
Just trying to make it through the dark
Still just trying to find my place
Or, a place

All I want is to be strong
But that's not true
I also want to be better

I want people to know they're loved
But all I know is that I'm not enough
But that's not true
I'm enough
Sure, sure
Sure thing

Place my head against the front door
Don't wanna be here anymore
Sighs slip out of my mouth
Like confirmation that I still exist
I'm sorry

"I'm not enough"
And that's a lie
"The ones I want don't need me"
And that's a lie
"And I'm not good enough the people that do need me"
And that's a lie
"I can't do this"
And that's a lie
"I'm not doing my part"
"They're disappointed in me"
"They can't be fixed"
"I don't have enough faith"
"There's no chance for me"
"They actually don't need me around"
And nothing's black and white anymore
Except for the fact that I'm a liar


I'm sorry

I can't believe you're my best friend.

Part I

She's the making of a forest fire
Raging violently through the trees
Beautiful from far away
But screams "don't get too close to me"
She finds the fire just too much
But I could always stand the heat

He bears resemblance to an iceberg
Just peeking over all the waves
He's avoided just because they're scared
But he's the one who cries to be saved
I always saw more underneath
He's scared of drowning, but he remains

She's the clouds swirling over the earth
Always found up in the sky
And though so beautiful, she's also fragile
'Cause you don't see her in the night
I won't pull out my umbrella when she turns gray
When she breaks down and starts to cry

She's a bird soaring through the air
Drinks in the freedom of the day
So independent, yet not at all
Her heart sings of a great escape
I wonder if she'll come back down
After she up and flies away

He's the wind beneath her wings
To hold her up but keep her close
To others he seemed invisible
But if you looked, you'd always know
Like I know he'll take care of her
And still I hate to see them go

She's the stars above my head
Tiny, gigantic, living, dying
Breathing into eternity
I always pray she'll keep on trying
I never seem to reach her, she never seems to see
The very light that she is shining

She's the rose come up from ashes
Trying to breathe through what's been torn
Still such beauty, she's still so vibrant
Keeps on growing, holds her form
I can't help holding onto hope
Maybe one day she'll see more than thorns

He's the forest that grows around her
Deep and green and quiet and tall
And sometimes danger lurks within him
But he's still alive, and he's still calm
When winter comes he feels he's done
But keeps her safe when his leaves fall

He's the horizon of a setting sun
I hurry just to catch him there
His colors take my breath away
Doesn't notice when I stare
And then he's gone, a bit too fast
So radiant, so unaware

Peace.

I don't think I have a peaceful spot.  I don't think I have one or two or three places in which I am just at rest.  I think I just have moments.  Moments of peace, where I just feel utter serenity.  Calm.

Like when I take a walk with Isaac down by the pond, where we walk the sidewalk all the way down.  A breeze collects around us.  He is either by my side telling me about his dream last night, or in front of me a little ways on his scooter, talking to me about how funny something would be or noticing patterns about Animal Jam or our family or food.  The sun is setting, casting gentle rays upon his smiling face.

Peaceful.

Like the time I was on Mission Arlington, and after a night of crying on the phone with my parents about how I couldn't do this by myself and how I had to go home, just lying in bed.  The girls around me had stopped their pillow talk, and the room was quiet.  In my sleeping bag, I stared at the ceiling.  God calmed me.  I would make it.

Peaceful.

Like when I'm on the swings at Harry Myer's Park, and the sky is really colorful, and I swing really high, with the wind in my face and my brothers beside me laughing.  

Like when I'm praying to God and I know I'm not focused and life is hard and tugging at me, and I ask Him to calm me.  And as I keep praying, I just go on and on, going into detail on each subject.  And God fills me with joy, and I am grateful for everyone and everything, and I know everything will be alright.

Like when he hugs me from behind or tells me that everything will be okay and I'm doing great and God is still here.

Like when we're on a long car ride home from a trip, and the sun's going down and Isaac leans his head on my shoulder while I have my glasses on and take in the view out of the car window.

Like when I write about my struggles on my blog and I'm just like, "Yep, there it is, I said it, I recognized it, and it is in Your hands, God."

Like when he read Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief to me on the way home from our camping trip.

Like when we sat on the deck of the treehouse cabins at Messiah's Ranch and he, Rebekah, Alex, and Nick were all playing Check Yes Juliet and everyone that knew it was singing along.

Like at Mount Lebanon when you're walking down a road and just take a moment to breathe in the air around you.  To breathe in the memories.

Like when my head is throbbing from crying so hard in bed at night over and over again, and God calms me down and tells me that He's right there.  And I can sleep.

Like when I'm riding in the backseat of Alex's truck and he and Rebekah are up front talking on the way home from co-op when the sun just starts to set.

Like when I read the perfectly satisfying ending of a really good book.

Like when my dad lies next to me in my room and asks me about my life and listens.

Like when I'm reading the Bible and God speaks right to me clear as day.

Like when I see the sun rise during a car ride.

Like when he plays with my hair.

Like when I'm listening to Of Monsters and Men while taking a walk.

Like when Isaac comforts me when I'm sad.

Like when a song explains how I'm feeling perfectly, and is in a sense therapeutic.

Like when I'm grading papers for Mrs. Betsy and realize that everything is going to be just fine.

Like when the sky is so big that I don't only know that God has a plan, but I feel it too.

Like when I see Orion and think of his song.

Like when my family watches a movie and we're all together and happy.

Like when we visit the beach and waves keep coming back to me.

Like when I see a full moon.

Like when I feel just so at home.





Peaceful.

Blurred

Stomach in knots
Focus in tears
Choosing to know that
You'll always be near
Fall up and down
Then disappear
One day they'll notice
That You were still here

Falling apart
Together again
Putting in stitches
To knit up my head
Take out my heart
Put it back in
I'll be how You made me
Until the end

Sick of these blinds
Sick of the stares
Sick of the ceiling
Sick of these prayers
'Cause it all boils down
To everyone cares
But nobody's willing
Enough to be there

Holding it in
And letting it out
Back on the doorstep
Of somebody's house
Falling away
Don't wanna break down
This isn't easy
I'll figure it out

Come on inside
Find me on my knees
I'm still begging
Trying to believe
But they don't give me reasons
Just play hide and seek
I'm trying to shout
Just so I don't scream

Here's where I stood
Here's where I sat down
Before they told me
There's no middle ground
I know that I love you
There's no way around
I made a decision
That I wouldn't drown

I can't fit the pieces
It doesn't make sense
I'll put them together
At my own expense
My mind isn't working
Unless I'm in bed
I'm spinning in circles
Not giving in yet

[just and only]

Star light, star bright

First star I see tonight

Wish I may

Don't let me die

The lies are winning again tonight

down.

But winds are blowing hard
And the tightrope beneath my feet sways
And I begin to think even the tears will make me lose balance
If they fall down from my face
I stretch out my arms and try to focus
Because these are winds no one can see
And my head looks steady as they make eye-contact
But nobody looks at my feet
At least storms are visible, but I can't see the wind
I just feel it whip my hair against my cheeks
It drives the tears across my temples
And cracks my lips until they bleed
But I can't see it, I can't see
I just know it hurts and pushes against me
Again and again I almost lose balance
Against something invisible and I can't breathe
It sends sentences like torpedoes
To catch me off my guard
To make their way through both ends of my chest
Plummet deep into my heart
And again I bite down on the words, "they don't need me"
I swallow them whole and don't let them out
That's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie
Sing myself to sleep with a scream and a shout
I will not do that to myself
I write the lies on paper and watch them burn
But I do it again and again and again
As though I'll never actually learn
"They don't need me," and here you are again
I almost fall from the tightrope, gotta hold onto something
But I'm crying that I can't do it anymore
But I was doing so well, now it's crumbled to nothing
I can't, I can't, I can't, I cannot
I'm cutting my hands on the pieces of their shattered hearts
As I try to put them back together
Not to mention my own insides are falling apart
Don't ask me what's wrong, I hate hard questions
Be like the PSAT all inside my mind
My brain is tearing at the seams
The wind is too strong and I don't know why
I'm swinging back and forth on this rope
And I've found myself in too deep instead
Of where I thought I'd be about now
I am completely in over my head.
This will go one of two ways, I reason with myself
And I'm scared of the statistics, to be honest
It's out of my control, what have I gotten myself into?
I've made myself vulnerable, telling myself I've got this
Invisible wind, where did you come from?
My eyes once were ahead, but I'm miles above the ground
Bleeding tears and realistic fears
Jesus Christ, help me, because I'm looking down

Surely.

Well, Romeo and Juliet lived happily ever after, right?

And Jack and Rose had a family.

Surely Antigone was saved for standing against evil.

Surely Frankenstein's monster found love.

Well, surely Hector won the war, and came home to his lonely wife.

Surely Gale got Katniss.

Surely I'll sleep well tonight.

Surely we'll see healing.

Well, surely she won't tell me goodbye.

Surely I'll let it go.

Surely I'll grow into this.

Surely I will get better, I will get better.



And I have bad dreams about losing you.

Well surely, dear, surely I won't.