Impaired

Can you keep a secret?

Did you ever know?

That things aren't as big

As they always seem to be?

And yet, they're so much bigger --

Because looking out the window of the plane

Makes the buildings look like bubbles

In the palm of my hand

But I'm the one who's floating away

I wonder how much is going on in the lives

Of the people in just one neighborhood 

How many students have depression 

How many kids are giving each other trust issues

Because it all looks so small from here

Makes it easier for me to tell myself I'm leaving it behind

"Make up your mind."

I always thought I wanted to be as tall as a skyscraper 

So that people could see what it's like in my mind

But from here, skyscrapers are nothing

So maybe I want to be an airplane

So I can be free and see things clearly 

But from the ground, airplanes are nothing 

I will always be nothing from most points of view

For I am just a Wendy bird, carrying along

On the ground, then in the sky

Making sense to no one but herself

And hardly even

I always thought I wanted to be as tall as a skyscraper

So that people could see what it's like in my mind

But now I try to show my mind with words on a page

But from in here, words are nothing

So maybe we have to look with more than just our eyes

Lightyears, Actually

This is a poem about how much I love my Jojo
Because he deserves more space on this blog than my depression
But I hope it is realized that I write about sad things as therapy
Not because my illness is my one obsession

I adore my Jojo, he's so alive
Who needs the sun when I've got his smile?
If you were to write all my thoughts about him
The paper would have to go miles and miles

He gets embarrassed about things
That I completely love about him
So I won't write some on here
'Cause he'd think that it's a sin

He sings to God with such conviction
It can't go unnoticed
Not just some guy singing some song
God uses him to show the purpose

His imagination is endless
And even though he says I'm always in his head
I'd die to see more of what goes on in there
But I learn to be content with the pieces I get

I wish I could record everything he says
Because his words are hilarious, beautiful, and kind
He remembers all my favorite things
His eyes light up, and I pretty much die

My Jojo's like a sunset, I'm pretty sure I've said it before
Always so vibrant, I can't close my eyes
Always gone a bit too soon, always etched into my head
Always so unique, to look away would be a crime

It's kind of funny though, these words don't do him justice
The thing about him is that he does this thing
Where he makes the English language look so poorly put together
So when I tell him that I love him, that's nowhere close to what I mean

Precious Metals

He was crying in his room
But she got home and made it better
She's had so much space to become herself
More than when we were all together

Almost too much space, I'd think
She walks the campus all alone
Eats alone, thinks alone, no one holds the door
But maybe it's worth becoming her own
I wouldn't know

The only value I see in myself comes from You
I know that's the way that it should be
But I'm afraid I don't give You enough credit in this
Because with all this value, there's not much I can see

The flaws in my brain are at it again
"I don't make a difference," so says my head
Which is entirely selfish, in an obvious way
But I want to make a difference for my King, as I've said

She's made such an impressionable mark
I know I'm "not supposed to be like her," whatever that means
You can see where she's been, because they talk of her light
And even the kids at church love her more than me

This probably isn't as selfish as it seems
I want to be bright so people see God through me
Not for me, for Him, to further His Kingdom
But how is one useful when she isn't seen?

Thus, depression takes over and I'm searching for purpose
Because I don't compare outward appearance, just characteristics
And I lose myself because I'm not satisfied
"If I don't make a difference, why am I alive?"

But the thing about that is that it's not based on trust
If I love God, I will have faith enough
That He could use someone as unvital as I seem
So help me focus on You, not the blood running from me

Seventeen...

I'll wake up seventeen
So if I stay up all night, what does that make me?
Not sure how it sits with me
Not sure what I'm thinking exactly
When I was a little girl
I'd play "college" with my siblings
They'd fluctuate between different ages
But I'd always chosen seventeen
(ha, college)
I'd always sit and wonder what I'd be like
Excited to be prettier, dying to be braver
Figure out what my talents were
"I don't know what I'll look like, I'll find out later"
I used to watch my mom put on makeup
Every single morning, asking when
I'd be allowed to put it on myself
And she'd say "When you're older," again and again
I used to wonder when I'd fall in love
I used to dream of him somewhere, just a kid
Living his life like I was living mine
Never pictured a certain face, then at thirteen I did
I always used to think,
"At seventeen I'll have accomplished so much!"
Maybe I have, I'm climbing through high school
I tell myself "just keep going," but maybe I'm out of touch

Not sure how it sits with me
Not sure what I'm thinking exactly
But when I look back, I know what I see
God's been weaving a tapestry

I only see the back now, just a bunch of colors
But they're beautiful, not one quite like the other
I see Him blessing me in millions of ways
All the wise teaching, all the people who stayed
And even the ones who didn't, and it was just a season
For some of them I can finally see the reason
God helped me through Surge, and He gave me friends
Comforted me at Mission Arlington that night I thought I would end
God saved me from drowning when I slipped out of my floatie
God saved me from all the nights when I couldn't sleep
Maybe my depression inspired someone to keep going
Maybe He even used me a bit to make a difference in Shelby
He gave me this desire to write
So I can go back and know what I was thinking at certain points in my life
My Jesus gave me Joseph Arze
When I wouldn't admit he was the boy of my dreams
Because God works outside of "possibility"
Little did I know how my life would change because of a homeschool pool party
God gave me the perfect dad, mom, sister, and brothers
And these days I know how vital Baylie and I are to each other
He gave me drops in my bucket, happy texts when I need them
He gave me astonishing sunsets, and a window from which I can see them
He gave me hugs through Isaac when I'm crying over stress
Or because my friends are slowly dying and I can't get them out of the mess
He gave me money when I needed to go somewhere to serve
He gave me bandages multiple times through Baylie's and Joseph's words
He gave me tears of joy because of my beautiful friends
Hope, Jillian, Grace, Hannah, Kate, Abigail, Crystal, Megan
And the fact that I can go on farther is so humbling to me
What a bummer how I forget sometimes, but at least now I can see
Everything falls together so perfectly
Everything falls so perfectly

How apparent is Jesus's love
In the back of the tapestry, and one day I'll see the front
The only thing I know about seventeen
Is that I might be nervous, but God's still holding me

Seventeen belongs to my King.