2016.

2016 was a strange year.
Everyone has different views of it, mostly involving politics and such, but I promise that my struggles throughout this year scarcely had to do with any of such controversy.  No one that I've listened to really loves 2016; I see it as a beautiful year.  I view it as a terribly painful year, but my God was not absent during one microsecond.
This year was intense.  This year... I went on an Anchorage retreat that was bittersweet.  Throughout the weekend, I questioned where I belonged, and I felt sick, though I tried not to, due to a person present that I associated with a thousand wordless emotions.  This year, I battled depression.  This year, my friend group fell apart.  I drift in and out of relevance.  I find myself on the outside more often than I have been in a while.  I've felt alone.  This year, Shelby ran away.  They found her, but no one accounted for the fact that she was still lost.  This year, my sister's relationship broke up.  This year, Anchorage ended.  This year, my sister went to college.  This year, my best friend's mom (and my mom's best friend) was given a number of months left.  This year, I have dealt with more of the unexpected than I ever cared to try, but I suppose it's not about that, is it?
I could easily call this a horrible year.  Easily.  But that's not what I'm going to do.
This year, I have gotten closer to my best friend.  This year, I told my love how long I've loved him.  This year, I was asked to prom for the first time (by my first love).  This year, my sister got a full ride to the honors program in her university.  This year, I've been on so many life-changing trips out of town.  This year, I have gotten to spend some time with Shelbs.  This year, Joseph and I started dating.  We put our lock on the gate near the lighthouse and threw the key into the water.  This year, Alex and I remain brother and sister.  I have discovered new music.  This year, I learned more about my God.
(I know I've left a lot out)
You see, God was orchestrating, despite heartache, fear, and misery.  That is beautiful.  It wasn't that my God came in right when I needed Him, it's that He was active the entire time.  He doesn't wait for my best year to enter the stage and do something miraculous, He is always doing something.  Whether it's shaping the person I am by having me deal with my sister being gone, or shaping my sister by her being gone.  It all happens.  It all works out.  And not just that, but hundreds of events taking place, and all the people whose lives are being changed every step of the way.  God has already used Rebekah's faithfulness to Him in college to save people.  God is moving.  God was holding 2016 the whole way through, and not one minuscule trouble or blessing in my timeline has escaped His purpose.
I can only imagine what He'll do in 2017.





(I'm posting this unedited, because I have no time-- sorry for mistakes x) )

I love you.
And, I suppose, that in itself is a poem.

God does not wait until your shining moment to change lives.

Something in the Middle

My two sisters,
On either side, breathing
How I've missed her
While the other is bleeding
Now it's her turn
One day I'll fix something
I'd get a lecture
"That's not your job," says she

My two sisters
Both I'll be keeping
My two sisters
Keep on believing
I've always watched her
They've always watched me
My two sisters
Neither one sleeping

Frame

I take out a picture of us and I stare at it
Who am I kidding?
You probably ain't hearing this





NF

Am I good at my smile?
Yours is all I can see
If you don't miss the good old days,
At least try to miss me

Intentions

I was once told,
"We judge others by their actions,
"And ourselves by our intentions."
I can't help but wonder how I've acted
I can't help but wonder her intentions
I guess the funny part is,
I still love her.
When I see her, my heart is flooded with emotions
My mind with thoughts
And a lot of it is painful-- most of it, probably
But there is always love
And love there will always be
I fall in love with people hopelessly
It's a blessing to others, a curse for me
Love causes vulnerability
I'm always discovering new colors I bleed
I always wonder what I did, though
I try not to beat myself up, but I just gotta know
Did we lose touch,
Or did she lose it for us?

Why do kids stay up so late?
I wish people could see what my heart looks like
Because I judge myself by my intentions, and they don't
Doesn't really help that I don't say much
I thank God that He's helped me to overcome
My habit of staying up worrying that I'll lose my loved ones
To themselves, to a trigger that was pulled my the soul
But it still haunts me sometimes, like I can't let it go
I'd die to be stronger, you know?
I want to stretch my body over the chasm so that you can get across
But I know that if I do that, that means both of us will fall
Maybe you'd have a second and the mind to make the jump
But Jesus said don't do it, so I pray for both of us
All of us, for all our sakes
Because all of you are still awake

I wonder if people fall out of love
And if that's the case, was it there in the first place?
I guess that depends on your definition
It couldn't happen to me, I wasn't even able to let go of a crush
Not to mention I have a hard time leaving all kinds of relationships
If you fall in love..
Doesn't that mean you have to climb out?
What if you slipped and fell on solid ground,
And there was nothing to fall into?
It hurts my stomach
I spend too much time on the frontlines of these ponderings playing out in real life
Somtimes I squeeze my eyes shut and hold tight onto him
Trying not to let my heart become infected with other people's sorrows
He's my only sanity now and then
Although you'd never guess that by the way I lose my breath around him

I remembered the other day
About how she said she was no one's first
But that's not the point, is it?
The point is that I love her
It's about love, not priorities under extreme circumstances
I felt sorry, though
She lost what she did have looking at what she didn't
She gave me up because I wasn't quite enough
I just want her to be happy
No, I want her to know the love that comes from God
I only wish I knew that I played some part in that

Some things have lasted longer than I thought
And some things were taken from me sooner than I expected
The meaning of "home" hasn't changed for me this year
But the meaning of "friends" has
It's hard to love wholeheartedly when you only get half
I'm not talking of romance this time
I know it's not about me
I only wish they could see through my eyes
And I hope with all my heart that I didn't hurt anyone
Because Ashley was right, Ashley was right
I don't know how I've come across
And they don't know what's in my mind

What a pain it is, when all is through
To love those still who once loved you

Time.

Autumn is a comfort
Because as the leaves die
They take with them the parts of my life
Already gone, though still mused over
By my nostalgic mind

They fade into new colors
As my old pieces decompose
I realize how beautiful they were
Now that they're dying
And here I thought I took nothing for granted

Though don't mistake my innocence for ungratefulness
I wish for nothing but my moments back
But the leaves still fall to the ground
And as a wise person once told me,
"You can't outrun gravity."

They fold into reds and purples, yellows and browns
Giving me the visual of what I'm feeling
Helps me seem just a bit more sane
I'm not the only one who's changing

So we come at last to a girl
Telling her best friend about the dying leaves on a walk
To a brand new grocery store, in brand new weather
Brand new breaths of air, acorns crunch underneath their feet
Perhaps this is the beginning of the story

But we're all just kids
Nobody knows how to do this

Light

I used to write poems
I used to fit words into frames
That used to be home
The patterns would call back the same

Now I just write
I let my mind flow through my thumbs
And all the patterns?
They were shed a while ago,
Like leaving behind an old skin

I wash my hands of the outcome
But fear lurks like my shadow
So I turn my face toward the sun
I do better some days

I don't wanna walk in your shoes
I'll fall on the first step
What if I'm the only one who understands
That I don't actually understand?
Don't leave me out in the cold
I was just starting to grow
We make it up as we go
Just like the stories on your blog
Everything moves then it slows
I look around, did you know
That we're smiling for show?
It's okay; let it go
When I'm with him it's okay
All the nightmares, they fade
But I'm afraid we can't stay
So they come back in when he leaves
Take a breath, you're alright
Ignore the ceiling tonight
He's alive another moment
I'm praying for the light

Acorns

I spend my days graphing equations on my lifeline
Trying to balance reading literature and about early America
Washing dishes and now and then cooking dinner
Running from Landon's remote-control car
Taking random pictures of water in the sink
And my milk jug science experiment
Praying in my head about everything that hits my brain
Texting Rebekah back about her random outbursts
Writing bits on my blog-- what is poetry?
I need to get some sleep.


Count down the days till I see him again
I think I'll write a book about pirates


That's just how the days go right now

Finally

But I know there's a purpose.
I know there's a purpose Rebekah's relationship ended
I know there's a purpose I'm losing all the ones I've befriended
I know there's a purpose I still think about people that should be in my past
I know there's a purpose for the endings of the things that didn't last
I know there's a purpose for sickness and near-death experiences
And not sleeping before tests only to feel delirious
I know there's a purpose for trees in the window view
And license plates and me losing Shelby too
I know there's a purpose for staining my comforter with tears
Because I see what came from that very thing if we look back a couple years
I know there's a purpose for not being able to fix anything for Joseph
I know there's a purpose for crying on the carpet because everything is broken
I know there's a purpose for the loneliness that plagues us few right now
I know there's a purpose for the emptiness I taste inside my mouth
I know there's a purpose for misunderstandings and school frying my brain
I know there's a purpose for the wonderful things that couldn't stay the same
I know there's a purpose for Baylie walking on for miles
I know there's a purpose for the ache felt when we receive fake smiles
I know there's a purpose for the nights that we know no one understands
I know there's a purpose for so-called hopelessness, and all our ruined plans
I know there's a purpose because my God is a God of meaning and love, not lies
I know there's a purpose for my life 'cause I'm His child, and I'm still alive






And I am certain that God, who began a good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6

Eyelids

These days I'm forced to make choices that I shouldn't have to make
Everything's a chance that I don't really wanna take
Step on their toes, and here is the heart I always break
Something like guilt devours me as I see I'm still awake

I'm used to her fake smiles being aimed at others, not me
So I curl up on my carpet and wonder who people want me to be
It's not that I can't fix everything, it's that I can't fix anything
I know my life has a purpose, but it's getting hard to see

I know we'll all be close again, after everyone has died
Maybe up in Heaven they will see how hard I tried
To keep us all together and to put on my real smile
To stay instead of running away, "I love you" never was a lie

My sister gets to live actually
Makes me think there might be hope for me
But I should be studying for the SAT
Instead I write about my lack of meaning

So if I have time for nothing but school, why am I alive?
They say it's just a stage of life, one day I will thrive
I'm supposed to learn about parabolas while everything around me dies
And if I'm dead next week, it's meaningless, I never changed a life

I long for more than watching my best friend fall apart
I long for more than relationships that end with broken hearts
I long for more than me and my friends hopelessly wondering who we are
But we all long for things that are hopelessly too far

Just when I thought that it couldn't get worse
I know there's a purpose when everything hurts
But that doesn't change that last line's last two words
I know now I've never been quite enough for her

It used to be a matter of eyelids that everything was wrong
If it got too scary, we'd open up our eyes and it was gone
Then we'd find that all our terrors were just a nightmare all along
And breathe a sigh of relief as the night approached the dawn




Maybe we could go back to the way things used to be
Close my Bible up and whisper, "Life is not a tragedy"
As a drop of saltwater comes rolling down my cheek
Maybe we could go back to the way things used to be

Cement

The clouds stretch wide,
Scattered in puffs
Just like my thoughts--
I guess I've seen them enough
To think of that as I visualize
The scene from earlier tonight
Inside my head, lying in bed
But I'm back at that moment for a time
The clouds line up towards the sun
I hope to say that's what my thoughts do
But I'm afraid mine are raining a bit sometimes
Although, today, I more than made it through
Little Wynnie shows me a handful
Of old, rusty nails from the ground
As though they were perfectly harmless
Quickly, I dispose of what she found
I write your name on the cement
With a dusty, white rock
Everyone knows I love you
Yet, everybody talks

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
"And lean not on your own understanding."
Like throwing away Wynnie's old nails
I think that it finally hit me

Hummingbird

I can't stop crying
"Please stop lying,
"I know you're dying"
I keep trying
I keep trying
I keep trying


I'm losing you
I'm losing my mind, too
I don't know what to do
Too vulnerable, too--
Make it through
Another day, will you?
Maybe that will convince me to do the same
Maybe that will convince me to do the same


I can't breathe
Because neither can she
All alone, all alone, all alone
She always smiles
Is that supposed to make me feel better, or you?


Shelby, come back to me
Do you remember when I said
I pray for you every night?
I still do
I still do
I see you down the sidewalk in my head
You keep getting farther away
I'm losing you too
I still do


The same thing every day
My head hurts
Praying and sobbing on my Mom's closet floor
So my brothers can't hear me
Maybe they'll think I'm one day stronger
Just keep waiting one second longer
Just keep going one day longer


There's red on my feet
From the glass on the floor
Glass from the chests
Of all of my friends
So I'll tell you to put back the glue one more time
It doesn't work, I already tried
Maybe they can't see
The red on my feet
What about in my eyes?
It's okay, I could barely make it out in the mirror

I see it better on my Mom's closet floor

Sister, don't cry
Friends, stay alive







"Every night I ask myself,
"Am I giving enough?
"Am I giving enough?
"Am I giving enough?
"Am I?"












Last quote by Local Natives

Shoulders

She's bursting at the seams.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is she.
And so is he.
And so is he
And so is he.
And so am I.

It's a good thing You can handle this,
My shoulders aren't strong enough.

Resolve

I've been lying here too long
I want to be firm and resolved
I want to be determined every day
But I lack the effort, I'm afraid
It doesn't take too much to throw my mind again
I close my eyes and wander within my head
Maybe a symptom of depression, maybe I'm just weak
But when I don't understand, I don't want to try to think
It just hurts
And it's worse
That I have a billion things on my mind
So I'm caught here wasting time
Because I couldn't focus for that long after all
I can't name the chasm into which I fall
Call it anything you want
But I'm losing my train of thought
Someone keeps switching the tracks I'm speeding across
And all the evidence says it's me, but I'm lost
Because I don't remember where I came from
I think I know where I've got to get, but
I'm switching tracks too fast to get there somehow
And heaven knows where I am right now
I need resolve
I need to call
And get help from somewhere, I'm not getting it here
My train of thought is drowning in other people's tears
So I'm praying beneath the waves
Because I'm not the one who saves
"I know I need to trust You instead of staring dead-silent at the floor"
And really, that's all that I can say, 'cause I can't do this anymore

Happy birthday to my Jojo. <3

Impaired

Can you keep a secret?

Did you ever know?

That things aren't as big

As they always seem to be?

And yet, they're so much bigger --

Because looking out the window of the plane

Makes the buildings look like bubbles

In the palm of my hand

But I'm the one who's floating away

I wonder how much is going on in the lives

Of the people in just one neighborhood 

How many students have depression 

How many kids are giving each other trust issues

Because it all looks so small from here

Makes it easier for me to tell myself I'm leaving it behind

"Make up your mind."

I always thought I wanted to be as tall as a skyscraper 

So that people could see what it's like in my mind

But from here, skyscrapers are nothing

So maybe I want to be an airplane

So I can be free and see things clearly 

But from the ground, airplanes are nothing 

I will always be nothing from most points of view

For I am just a Wendy bird, carrying along

On the ground, then in the sky

Making sense to no one but herself

And hardly even

I always thought I wanted to be as tall as a skyscraper

So that people could see what it's like in my mind

But now I try to show my mind with words on a page

But from in here, words are nothing

So maybe we have to look with more than just our eyes

Lightyears, Actually

This is a poem about how much I love my Jojo
Because he deserves more space on this blog than my depression
But I hope it is realized that I write about sad things as therapy
Not because my illness is my one obsession

I adore my Jojo, he's so alive
Who needs the sun when I've got his smile?
If you were to write all my thoughts about him
The paper would have to go miles and miles

He gets embarrassed about things
That I completely love about him
So I won't write some on here
'Cause he'd think that it's a sin

He sings to God with such conviction
It can't go unnoticed
Not just some guy singing some song
God uses him to show the purpose

His imagination is endless
And even though he says I'm always in his head
I'd die to see more of what goes on in there
But I learn to be content with the pieces I get

I wish I could record everything he says
Because his words are hilarious, beautiful, and kind
He remembers all my favorite things
His eyes light up, and I pretty much die

My Jojo's like a sunset, I'm pretty sure I've said it before
Always so vibrant, I can't close my eyes
Always gone a bit too soon, always etched into my head
Always so unique, to look away would be a crime

It's kind of funny though, these words don't do him justice
The thing about him is that he does this thing
Where he makes the English language look so poorly put together
So when I tell him that I love him, that's nowhere close to what I mean

Precious Metals

He was crying in his room
But she got home and made it better
She's had so much space to become herself
More than when we were all together

Almost too much space, I'd think
She walks the campus all alone
Eats alone, thinks alone, no one holds the door
But maybe it's worth becoming her own
I wouldn't know

The only value I see in myself comes from You
I know that's the way that it should be
But I'm afraid I don't give You enough credit in this
Because with all this value, there's not much I can see

The flaws in my brain are at it again
"I don't make a difference," so says my head
Which is entirely selfish, in an obvious way
But I want to make a difference for my King, as I've said

She's made such an impressionable mark
I know I'm "not supposed to be like her," whatever that means
You can see where she's been, because they talk of her light
And even the kids at church love her more than me

This probably isn't as selfish as it seems
I want to be bright so people see God through me
Not for me, for Him, to further His Kingdom
But how is one useful when she isn't seen?

Thus, depression takes over and I'm searching for purpose
Because I don't compare outward appearance, just characteristics
And I lose myself because I'm not satisfied
"If I don't make a difference, why am I alive?"

But the thing about that is that it's not based on trust
If I love God, I will have faith enough
That He could use someone as unvital as I seem
So help me focus on You, not the blood running from me

Seventeen...

I'll wake up seventeen
So if I stay up all night, what does that make me?
Not sure how it sits with me
Not sure what I'm thinking exactly
When I was a little girl
I'd play "college" with my siblings
They'd fluctuate between different ages
But I'd always chosen seventeen
(ha, college)
I'd always sit and wonder what I'd be like
Excited to be prettier, dying to be braver
Figure out what my talents were
"I don't know what I'll look like, I'll find out later"
I used to watch my mom put on makeup
Every single morning, asking when
I'd be allowed to put it on myself
And she'd say "When you're older," again and again
I used to wonder when I'd fall in love
I used to dream of him somewhere, just a kid
Living his life like I was living mine
Never pictured a certain face, then at thirteen I did
I always used to think,
"At seventeen I'll have accomplished so much!"
Maybe I have, I'm climbing through high school
I tell myself "just keep going," but maybe I'm out of touch

Not sure how it sits with me
Not sure what I'm thinking exactly
But when I look back, I know what I see
God's been weaving a tapestry

I only see the back now, just a bunch of colors
But they're beautiful, not one quite like the other
I see Him blessing me in millions of ways
All the wise teaching, all the people who stayed
And even the ones who didn't, and it was just a season
For some of them I can finally see the reason
God helped me through Surge, and He gave me friends
Comforted me at Mission Arlington that night I thought I would end
God saved me from drowning when I slipped out of my floatie
God saved me from all the nights when I couldn't sleep
Maybe my depression inspired someone to keep going
Maybe He even used me a bit to make a difference in Shelby
He gave me this desire to write
So I can go back and know what I was thinking at certain points in my life
My Jesus gave me Joseph Arze
When I wouldn't admit he was the boy of my dreams
Because God works outside of "possibility"
Little did I know how my life would change because of a homeschool pool party
God gave me the perfect dad, mom, sister, and brothers
And these days I know how vital Baylie and I are to each other
He gave me drops in my bucket, happy texts when I need them
He gave me astonishing sunsets, and a window from which I can see them
He gave me hugs through Isaac when I'm crying over stress
Or because my friends are slowly dying and I can't get them out of the mess
He gave me money when I needed to go somewhere to serve
He gave me bandages multiple times through Baylie's and Joseph's words
He gave me tears of joy because of my beautiful friends
Hope, Jillian, Grace, Hannah, Kate, Abigail, Crystal, Megan
And the fact that I can go on farther is so humbling to me
What a bummer how I forget sometimes, but at least now I can see
Everything falls together so perfectly
Everything falls so perfectly

How apparent is Jesus's love
In the back of the tapestry, and one day I'll see the front
The only thing I know about seventeen
Is that I might be nervous, but God's still holding me

Seventeen belongs to my King.

Unconditional.

She told me she wishes she could help
I saw the sincerity in her face
She said she wished she knew how to help
Because she had felt the same
"You're going through what I went through,"
And then she explained
"I thought anxiety blocked me from God,
"But somehow it was the way."
She said it's probably like that with my depression
And what she said made sense
Yet, somehow it didn't click
Maybe one day it'll be clear in my head
Because depression fogs things up a lot
And throws me into confusion
I seem to know very little right now
But I've come to a couple conclusions

I know this.  I love God and He loves me.
He stops at nothing to capture my attention and tell me how much He loves me, even though I seem unable to process it correctly right now.
How can I be lost when He has called me found?
Jesus is alive and he saves.
He rescues and saves.
I know this.
I am in love with Joseph Arze.
He is completely breathtaking, and the beauty just of who he is astonishes me.
I fear that sometimes he doesn't realize the depths of my love for him -- which he obviously doesn't, but in this different sense -- because of certain flaws in my character that make it hard to express just how much color he really does bring to my life.
I know this.
Baylie's friendship with me has stood the test of time.
Sometimes I unintentionally make it hard on people to hold up friendship with me, simply because of my mix of depression and introvertedness.
But Baylie has not let me slip through her hands.
I love Baylie with my whole heart.
Even when she doubts everything or sobs in my arms, I am amazed by her.
In her I have a true friend, she is trustworthy and beautiful.
I know this.
I hold my friends dear to my heart.
Even the ones who have hurt me, most likely unintentionally.
They are precious to me, and seeing them go through so much pains me because I want to save them and cannot.
Which I have learned, and because of this new knowledge I fear that some of them may have drawn apart from me because I'm not good at handling relationships due to this; I get to close to their troubles and hurt myself, or I find myself a bit too distant from them.
In any case, I will never stop loving them, as hard as all of this is.
I know this.
I miss Rebekah.
I'm not quite sure in what sense yet.
Maybe I miss being around her all the time.
She is still here for me, but when she comes back it's usually for Cornerstone.
Which is fine, but they get more of her sometimes.
So maybe I miss having her to myself.
I know this.
I love my family.
There is a lot I'm unsure of, so I was afraid that if I didn't put this in here, one might think I was having problems with them. I'm not.

I'm trying to put the pieces together of what Rebekah said
And I'll tell you, I'm more at peace with it all tonight
But I'm a little confused, and I know that I'm sad
There's joy in all this, but a lot makes me cry
I'm not questioning God, I know He has a plan
And it's not just head knowledge; I understand
But it just really hurts, it's just raw pain
I'd say it's pure sorrow I hold in my hands
Because this is tough, it's really just sad
But God is still God, and I am still blessed
These days I sometimes feel meaningless, all torn up inside
But Jesus still chases me when I'm depressed

Twelve

The puzzle pieces are hanging in the air

Tied with string to the yellow ceiling 

So if I look from different angles at the cardboard shapes

They put together different meanings

Some pictures are red, some are gray

Some are the darkest, darkest blue

Some are old violet, some are mossy green

Some are marble, still some are maroon

But there's no black, and there's no white 

I get nothing so clear this time

Someone come and wash my eyes

I can't settle truth from lies

It's all based on what I see

And what I choose to believe

Say it's real, but don't promise me

I can't manage anything

Maybe it's all in my head

Maybe I'm really in bed

This is the nightmare I'll dread

Years from today

My Dear.

Every night when you wish me sweet dreams
I assure you, there's no need to start
You are my sweetest dream come true
I love you more with every beat of my heart

If Mom's at work
And Rebekah's in college
Of course I "sound like a mom,"
As you so graciously put it, dear brother
Someone's gotta hold this place down
As well as her frequently-interrupting emotions.

love,

These very words are racing through my mind
As I haul my sister's unwanted clothes into my room
And take a breath, after dropping them in the corner
Not from the weight of the clothes but the weight of the gloom
I kept my nose buried in a school assignment all day
Because I was dying to hear Mr. Darcy's next words
And dying to avoid Rebekah's
No offense, of course, just to spare me the hurt
Some might think it's wrong for me to hold off the processing
Then again, no one else has been inside my head
Perhaps I'm in the wrong, but I really don't want to
Think about this being her last night in her own bed
Technically not, since the bed in her dorm will be hers
But this loft bed in her old room will become someone else's
I see Ethan hanging from the ladder
I hear it creek as Isaac "sneaks" up the metal bars
While she's putting on makeup in the bathroom
And since all that is only the sentiments of an old metal loft bed,
I don't want to get my mind started on anything else
"That's unwise, that's unwise, that's unwise, that's unwise."
But my alter ego steps in to defend me, saying,
"She can't be blamed for it, she's a little sister in pain."
Thanks for standing up for me
I know she's only gonna be an hour away
So to everyone who thinks that will take away the hurt,
You can count on the fact that I know where my sister is going to college
And that it's "only an hour away" so it's fine that she will never live in the same house as me again
That's fine, thanks.
Right now she's in her room, writing in her anxiety journal
Which is pretty much what I'm doing this moment, right?
I asked her if she was fine tonight, she said no
At least she gets points for honesty
She can have mine, I don't deserve them anyway
So to everyone who's wondering, no, I'm not okay with the fact that she's going to college
But don't tell me that
Because I will most definitely say, "Yeah, sure it's hard, but it's okay.  I'm coming to terms with it."
I am remarkably good at those words now
I practice them while I'm in the shower
I'm such a liar, it's not even romantic anymore
It's just disgusting
Because the truth is, I hate change
I've always been too attached to her, and I hate watching people grow up
And while I'm here complaining about it,
She's the one actually dealing with it
And there are people with worse problems than me, which makes me selfish
So I'm claiming these as selfish days
As an early birthday present
For me
Thanks.
What's funny is that I'm gonna see her again just this weekend
Except that the catch for that one is that it's gonna be called "visiting"
What's funny is that that word used to have a positive meaning
What's also funny is that I always use the words "what's funny is" whenever I'm having difficulty coping with something, because it's certainly not funny, it's tear-jerking, however, since I'm such a funny person, I carefully choose the words "what's funny is," because the obvious alternative to crying is laughing, which I will continue to do for the next few days/years.
Thank you for your patience.



Love,
A little sister

jars

I don't wanna be awake at 3 a.m.
But here's the clock, and here I am
Just blogging about nothing so I don't stress about school
And student council and my birthday and Rebekah leaving soon
And working and driving and all of that stuff
But writing about it's not quite good enough
(I'm supposed to be distracted)
Man, I'm so tired, I wish I could sleep
But I tried for forever, tossing and turning through the sheets
Did my best, but my head won't rest
Like a hummingbird in a sparrow's nest
How is it that whenever I wake up with all my senses
It's at some unearthly time of night?
Why can't I wake up like this in the morning?
That would be pretty nice
This is the worst poem I've ever written
I wish I would just stop
But then all the other stuff will fill my brain again
Wish it would just knock it off
I visualize myself putting those thoughts in jars
That I can open in the morning sometime
But it actually doesn't help at all
They're still running wild through my mind


This is miserable.

My slowing heartbeat keeps track of the time that passes before things get any better

Which, they don't get any better, so it's a little hard to remember what I'm still doing here

Sometimes.

I watched you crawl into my bed
With curses spilling from your head
You said, "we're just the walking dead"
So I pulled the trigger and we floated off

Into the air
Into the air, oh oh
We're in the air
Up in the air, oh oh








Radical Face

Can't help but wonder how this'll all turn out
Give it a year, my heart could be broken too
Though let's not fret for that
Maybe we'll learn to breathe through the stones in our shoes

I never saw this coming last year
The future promises me things I'm not sure I can keep
But you're coming home tomorrow
Maybe when you hold me, you'll feel my lack of sleep

And maybe I can hug the nightmares from your chest
Though our reality's not much better these days
There are storms in the park and shots in the dark
But I think I can make it as long as you stay

Blister.

Funny how time flies when you're with someone you love
Looking at my right hand, the past two weeks have left me
With a bracelet and an open blister
Maybe even a new purpose I'm almost holding onto

This week moves like a flat tire
With a sigh I say, "It's only Monday,"
And Wednesday is the monkey bar I just couldn't reach
We're together, then apart, so now come up to get me


I left something at Messiah's Ranch

Timing.

Heartbroken lover all alone
Crying for the bruises and the reason she has them
"I'll change my ways," he says, then does it again
Finally she's leaving him
But he takes the kids so that she'll never find them
Moving across the country just to make a statement
But just you wait child, says God, just you wait
As she cries in the car, just you wait

Lonely little boy shouldn't have to see
Dad shouting at Mommy on the couch weeping
Only to be taken from Mom, leaving the country
Moving from house to house, never really staying
And when Mom finally finds you
Dad tells you to choose
So you stay with Dad, because what are you supposed to do?
But just you wait, child, just you wait
Your mother thinks of you and prays

They're reunited after years and years
He's nineteen and she's in tears
In Rockwall Texas on solid ground
Because she prayed and He always hears
Little boy had to lose himself in order to find faith



Little girl loves a boy on accident
Don't tell her she does because she will deny it
You know, it makes her hate herself because why oh why
When there's nothing you can do so you close your eyes
But just you wait little girl, just you wait
Get down on those knees and pray
Just you wait

She doesn't even want to hear the test results
Nothing's happening, and everything at once
Why.
It hurts too much, but at the same time she's grown numb
Maybe she just wants to know she's still one of us
That she's allowed to cry whenever she wants
Her Mom and her family and her best friend
Dying for beginnings and crying for ends
But just you wait, just you wait
You'll smile when you look back one day
Just you wait

He beats his guitar at three a.m.
But no one will know 'cause he'll never tell them
Wondering what's keeping him here
Sobbing into his pillow even though nobody hears
Swearing to the closet door he'll run away
Making lists of what he'll take
But just you wait, oh just you wait
You can only see through a little frame,
Just you wait










(I'm not gonna proofread this because I'm too tired.)

7/19/16

That's when I looked up and saw the moon.
A full moon, glowing, illuminating the sky.
I then considered how beautiful it was, yet, the light was not its own;
The sun, though hidden from my eyes, was shining through the moon,
As the moon readily reflected the sun's beauty,
Causing beauty of its own, in a way.

I do not wish to be the sun.
My Jesus is the sun, and I wish to be the moon.
I want people to look at me and think, "wow,
"How bright is she, how radiant."
Then I want them to realize.
"But look how she did not create this light.
"It is simply a reflection of something greater,
"Something we can see just through her as of now."
And if my light is so beautiful, it is only a fraction.
I want to be nothing more than what You made me to be,
Nothing less than what You want from me.
Help me illuminate the dark
When people don't know who You are.
"Yes, a reflection of something greater;
"A reflection of her Saviour."




So help me glow until the end
Until the Sun rises again.

So what am I supposed to say
When Spotify shuffles to All About Us
And I scramble to pick up my idiot phone
Pull up the screen and skip it at once

And what am I supposed to say
When I catch myself rejecting the sun
I stay under my covers a little too long
If I see you tonight, I don't wanna wake up



Sorry to be so dramatic, I just miss you a lot.

"I'll see you soon."



That's the difference between the dream and reality.

Cracks

Don't drown me in sorrow, I don't know how to swim
You tell me they're gone 'cause I can't handle it
Don't promise me tomorrow if you won't let me win
You feed me your lies just to see my skull split

You pretend that I'm crazy but you understand
Too many casualties you've casually planned
Make my loves seem like airplanes who crash instead of land
Dropping like flies in the palm of your hand

Don't remind me of yesterday, yesterday's beat
Hard enough to keep walking with barbed wire in my feet
You taunt me with tomorrow as if cough syrup's sweet
Holding my strings in the cracks of your teeth

Don't tell me I'll lose him, don't burn down my home
Turning a breeze to a blizzard when I'm not in control
Don't snatch him up from me to leave me alone
Go choke on the fear that you shove down my throat

Don't tell them I'm fine while killing me mentally
Making me freeze until you're the new death of me
Don't stare at me quizzically, this isn't Jeopardy
Hope you're satisfied when I crush my own masterpiece

Never say never, 'cause you spoke too soon
You made this a fight that I can't afford to lose
Don't leave me to hang from these thoughts like a noose
I'm sorry about this but you've blackened my room

When she was gone, I was sure I didn't miss her

But now that she's back, I feel rather refreshed

Like I was holding my breath

The whole time she was away

Song Prompt pt. IV

Yeah.. don't feel like you all have to keep doing these, but I found another one. x)


A song you like with a color in the title:  "Violet Hill," by Coldplay
A song you like with a number in the title:  "Three Cheers for Five Years," by Mayday Parade
A song that reminds you of summertime:  "Surfin' USA," by the Beach Boys
A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about:  "Party in the USA," by Hannah Montana
A song that needs to be played LOUD:  "Seven Nation Army," by The White Stripes
A song that makes you wanna dance:  "In the Wild," by Capital Kings
A song to drive to:  "Lovers in Japan," by Coldplay
A song that you never get tired of:  "Cave In," by Owl City
A song from your preteen years:  "Gotta Know," by Lecrae
One of your favorite 80's songs:  "Smooth Criminal," by Michael Jackson
A song you like that is a cover by another artist:  "Running Up That Hill," by Placebo
One of your favorite classical songs:  I do not like
A song from the year that you were born:  "Drive," by Incubus
A song that makes you think about life:  Wow, this is deep.  -_-
A song that has many meanings to you:  "Turn Down for What," by DJ Snake
A favorite song with a person's name in the title:  "What Sarah Said," by Death Cab for Cutie
A song that moves you forward:  "Interlude: Moving On," by Paramore
A song that you think everybody should listen to:  "Saturn," by Sleeping at Last
A song that makes you want to fall in love:  "Good Girl," by Carrie Underwood
A song that breaks your heart:  "Second Family Portrait," by Radical Face
A song by an artist with a voice that you love:  "The Story of You," by Joseph Arze
A song that reminds you of yourself:  "Emily," by From First to Last  (that's a joke (but I actually like that song))

But when she took her makeup off
I couldn't help but notice
How beautiful she was without it.
I would have told her, but I've told her before
And she never believed me.
Years of words of stupid people
Trying to feel better about themselves
Have stolen her trust from me.
Because when I tell her what I think
My pretty words are no match for the dark ones
She has heard all her life from others
As well as herself.
So people from her past have taken her belief
And left me with almost nothing
Trying to hold onto
A friend who's fading away.

semi-aloud

He's bouncing around all the walls in my head

It might be a tad better if I was just dead

No, don't get all worried, calm yourself down

This is just my mind speaking semi-aloud

I know it's selfish to wonder whether or not I've ever changed someone's life

But when someone like me has a mind like a knife 

You end up searching for meaning and losing it again

So it's hard to be strong when nothing ever makes sense

I made a shocking discovery that maybe I'm not who I wanna be

I wanted to be so different, maybe a loser, but so that everyone could see

That I wasn't the same, at least I wasn't the same

But I can't tell anymore, and there's no one to blame

*deep breath*

If I wasn't at church this morning, that little girl would have stayed crying in the hallway

Rather than coming into the classroom

Maybe she would have gone in anyway

But whatever, I'll try to count it on my list of differences

There's one

And I am never singular
I was born a pair to walk alone
The mirror shows the things I'm not
But he helps me feel at home




Radical Face

I just listen to the same two songs over and over again
I don't really know why
I have so much to say, but I never say it
That's not a good thing, right?

It's a strange thing to say my sister's on the other side of the world
Anything could go wrong
But the only thing that I can do is pray
Kind of like the life I have ahead of me

What's even stranger to say is that I don't really miss her
She's always gone anyway
But the days are weird
I spend most of my time trying to process them

Maybe I should have accomplished more by now
People hear my voice, but does anyone listen
Here's another line
I wonder if I make a difference

Sun

There she was faithfully, every morning
And the sad thing is, I think I'm the only one who cared
Asked if the little boy would make it to the after party
And the sad thing is, he wasn't there

I wonder how many stories
We pass by every day
I wonder how many miracles
Are chances we don't take

Because in another life
I never sat next to you on the stone
I found myself too shy
And let you sit alone

Would we have found our way?
Or would we break our hearts
Because you couldn't find the words
And I was too scared to fall apart?

Because you are my miracle
And I was the chance that you took
So I can ponder another life
But we'll never even get a look

We laugh under the sun
And blister our feet
Remember again
Every year for a week


Tonight, my heart's the only thing that doesn't hurt

Sound Asleep -- redo

(This one flows better)


You miss one hundred percent of all the shots you never take
But save one hundred percent of all the hearts you never break
I think we're at the point where I no longer should be fake
Hope's hard to hold onto, but even harder to make
Do I see a light at the end of this tunnel?
Yes, of course, I always do
But I feel the stinging smart of what I'll lose on the way
Or, instead of saying "what" I think I should be saying "who"
I don't wanna hurt anyone, but they walk away regardless
So I keep on moving forward and try my best not to look heartless
People say that I don't care, but people never know the truth
Staring at the wall behind me, ignorance is all they choose
But in order to survive, I have to walk away sometimes
Couldn't look you in the eye, had to tell you I was fine
But no one will ever even call me "brave" for that, and why?
Because "brave" is a funny word that we have misused over time
They say brave is when you conquer demons, where everybody knows
While that's true, bravery's also knowing when you must let go
And I'm trying not to hear a million cries around me
Because I can't be your superhero, I have fear enough to drown me
So when something's wrong, and she won't say a word all night
I turn and force a smile and tell myself that I'm alright
You can't fix everyone, all you can ever do is try
I only need two hands to hold my chin up high
Last night I had a dream where blood was coming from my ears
I was in trouble, but the irony is that no one else could hear
Sometimes I list the people that I'm positive still love me
Because if I live in my head too long, the hurt will always numb me
I don't like telling people that I still worry about her
Because they look at me like I've been crowned the queen of all absurd
"Why are you holding on to this, why can't you let go?"
"You think that I want this, you think I even know?"
Oh well.
I'm on my eight thousand, nine hundred, thirty-first sheep
The worst part is waiting to actually fall asleep

There are many things in life that I love, but what I really love is making my mom laugh.

Play me a song,
I don't wanna go to bed
Got too many thoughts,
Replaying moments in my head
Play me a song,
I don't wanna go to sleep
I'd rather think about how delicate life is
Or anticipate next week
Oh, things are growing
There's no denying that
Not that anyone would
It's a pretty welcomed fact
Things are different
Because she writes more letters
I'm praying more prayers
My sister takes more pictures
Times have really changed
I see it in my friends
I see it in the sky
And find that I've changed with them
Let's hope it's for the better
Tell me if it is when you play me a song
I'll be waiting here in bed
Exhausted, I've been awake too long

Better Than Okay

I feel like I'm crying,
But no tears come
This isn't normal
This is utter joy for once

On my knees by my bedside
Completely amazed
How many blessings
Can come in one day?

Go away

Maybe I should fill the silence
But there's not much I can say
You underestimate what I'd do
To make your demons go away

I wanna promise we'll take to the sky
But I can't seem to make myself
I keep the terrors all inside
So I don't break anyone else

If I tell you things will get better
There's a three percent chance you'd believe
One for my sake, one for yours
And the third is the hope that's up your sleeve

Here's where we see that I've got nothing
Here's where my lifeline's longer than my dreams
I've found tricky situations and twenty heartaches
But my biggest burdens are ones that don't belong to me

Maybe I should fill the silence

But there's not much I can say

You underestimate what I'd do

To make your demons go away

Trail Mix

Things are changing

I see it in their eyes, caught it in her smile

It's like living a dream

And knowing I'll wake up in a little while

Dad calls during school hours

Just to check up on me when he's away

The days are rough at his work

That, and he wants to know I'm okay

Rebekah opens the door to my room

Interrupting my midnight puppet show with my brothers

She puts her pillow and blanket on the floor

And we all tell jokes, one after another

Dad's been telling us he loves us more than he used to do

Because everything goes away, I guess

Isaac brings me a bowl of cereal

When it takes me too long to get out of bed

Ethan takes walks by himself

Just to give him time to think

Rebekah hugs me out of nowhere

'Cause she'll be gone before I can blink

Everything goes away

Isaac slid a note underneath my door

When I was sobbing in my room on Sunday

He made me a bowl of trail mix

Maybe it's 'cause he's afraid I'll go away

I watch her fade

But there's nothing I can say

I'm not close enough,

I'm not close enough

It's like everyone knows the plot twist to my story

And their lips are sealed, but they look at me

Knowing my fate, saying something with their eyes

Something I always fail to read

One boy's dreams 

And another boy's theories

But theories aren't enough

So they all sound like me

Just barely reaching the surface

I was almost something

Think I almost had it

But everything is changing

I take the trash out in the rain

Everything will go away

Slow Songs

I think I might have slept on my neck wrong
Because it aches and throws a fit
Every time I try to turn it

I think I might have slept on my heart wrong
Because it hurts a little bit
Every time I think of him

I'm glad that slow songs don't last forever
'Cause if so, I'd be a sad soul last night
I wish that slow songs lasted forever
'Cause if so, I'd be in your arms tonight

Siberia

From the busy parks

To the icy tides

Someday we'll decide

Where we want to live out our lives

For now, we're two sparks

Tumbling along

Keeping the heat on

Even though summer's come and gone

I would sail across the east sea

Just to see you on the far side

Where the wind is cold and angry

There you'll be to take me inside

We'll find ways to fill the empty

Far from all the hysteria

I don't care if we suddenly

Find ourselves in Siberia

Siberia

Inside a street car

Or on a mountain trail

Details, details

You breathe in when I exhale

No matter where we are

Or which way the wind blows

Or how heavy the snow

Nothing can change where we will go

I would sail across the east sea

Just to see you on the far side

Where the wind is cold and angry

There you'll be to take me inside

We'll find ways to fill the empty

Far from all the hysteria 

I don't care if we suddenly

Find ourselves in Siberia

Siberia

Lights

He's been working for hours

And I'm still in bed

Trying to envision

Him in my head

Covered in sweat, 

Moving wood,

Cleaning the fish tank 

Washing down windows,

Or cleaning some kitchen

In a place I call home

That's only home when he's there

So the answer is no, 

This bed at my house isn't home, it's nowhere

And I'm not that sad yet

Just wish I was there today

More than anything, actually

But there wasn't a way

I can't get out of bed,

Because why would I?

I have chores to do

Randoms are coming to my house tonight

So I'll be clinging to Baylie and Izzy

And Kate will be there too

I know it won't be bad

But till then I've got nothing to do

Or, nothing I wanna do.

Is that what we call laziness?

Sorry, at this point I hardly care

Because it sucks when you find yourself here

And the only place you want to be is there

The Silent Game

So here's how the story goes,
It's a little sad, a lot bit sweet
One that no one really knows
We're not people people meet

There's this boy that caught my eye
After a week, I knew his name
But he was funny, I was shy
And so I played the silent game

Tried not to say his name too much
Keep the butterflies at bay
No need to get all my hopes up
But the fluttering still stayed

If we fast forward a couple years
We find us sitting on a rock
Talking about our separate futures
That's all it was to him, just talk

Well, as far as I had known
Which happened to be a small amount
Meanwhile I wished for him on Cola trucks
And he found new words inside his mouth

I hoped he wouldn't decide to push me away
Because talking to him made me see
He thought the way I guessed he did all those days
The only one I wanted close to me

Come autumn, we're best friends
Like two kids who decided to climb the same tree
For once I didn't have to play pretend
That I had somebody with me

If years of waiting led to you
Standing closely by my side
Holding my hand like you do
I would choose you every time

If three days of waiting leads to you
Coming home to me, I'll try
'Cause if I had to wait years again
I would choose you every time

I will choose you every time

Steering Wheels

I didn't see the stars tonight
A different something took me
I didn't see the stars tonight
Maybe I wasn't looking
You're amazed by me,
And I try to receive it
You tell me I'm great,
I'd die to believe it
There's something inside
That tells me to step out
"Believe, for once in your life"
[ B u t   I   o n l y   d r o w n ]
I want to believe that when I grow up
I can make music and be known
I want to believe I'll write songs and play them
But I always know I won't
I don't believe because I'm a pessimist
I don't act out because I don't have confidence
Isn't it painful to know that you could have been something great?
But I couldn't even help Zoe
And now she's gone
I can't even help my own brother
Always wrong

This year I turn seventeen on shaky ground
Because I'm afraid of steering wheels instead of clowns
I know God made me exactly how He wanted me to be
But it seems like it freaking sucks (and I'm the freak)

There's more I want to say.

Oh, my boy, you're alive
Your heart's still beating
So don't you mind, don't you mind
We all drift sometimes




Radical Face

You can't make everybody happy
This much, I know, is true
But this is what it'd look like
If my life was to please you

If I wanted to make you happy
I would pretend he wasn't there
I would only talk to girls
When it came to him, I wouldn't care

I would stay single and complain
Even though I really loved him
I would keep it to myself
With my patience wearing thin

I would know he loved me
But heaven forbid me let you know
I would be silent and miserable
But heaven forbid me let it show

Never make eye-contact with him
Spend all my time and money on everyone else
Ignore any thought of love
To the point where I'm hurting myself



Well, that would make you happy, right?

Water

Music sounds different when you listen from the shower
The speakers from your turntable will play a different art
This song has much more piano, that song really has some bass
You finally hear the lyrics coming from your heart

Because the running water mixed with melodies in the air
Drown out every word coming from you, except the ones in your chest
You don't know where you're going, you don't know who still loves you
But you know Who you serve, so you're doing your best

The scent of the shampoo reminds you of Messiah's Ranch
Like the feeling last night when you wanted to stay
The days fly, and the pendulum doesn't keep up
But every second without him still feels like a day

Sound Asleep

You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take
But save one hundred percent of the hearts you don't break
I think we're at the point where I don't have to be fake
Hope's hard to hold onto, but even harder to make
Do I see a light at the end of this tunnel?
Yes, of course, I always do
But I feel the smart of what I'll lose on the way
Or, maybe it's rather best to say "who"
I don't wanna hurt anyone, but they walk away regardless
So I keep moving forward and try not to look heartless
People say I don't care, but they don't know the truth
I care so much you might shed a tear if you knew
But in order to survive, I have to walk away sometimes
Couldn't look you in the eye, had to tell you I was fine
But I'll never be called "brave" for that, and why?
Because "brave" is a funny word that we have misused over time
They say brave is when you conquer demons, where everybody knows
While that's true, brave is also knowing when you must let go
And I'm trying not to hear a million cries around me
Because I can't be your superhero, I have fear enough to drown me
So when something's wrong, and she won't say a word all night
I turn, force a smile, and tell myself that I'm alright
You can't fix everyone, all you can do is try
I only need two hands to hold my chin up high
Last night I had a dream where blood was coming from my ears
I was in trouble, but the irony is that no one else could hear
Sometimes I list the people that I'm positive still love me
Because if I live in my head too long, the hurt will just become me
I don't like telling people that I still worry about her
Because they look at me like maybe they must have misheard
"Why are you holding on to this, why can't you let go?"
"You think that I want this, you think I even know?"
Oh well.
I'm on my eight thousand, nine hundred, thirty-first sheep
The worst part is waiting to actually fall asleep

I know this is the last thing I need, but I made a new blog guys. xD  It's just a lyrics appreciation blog though, no pressure to check it.

wellsaid-wellsung.blogspot.com

"Oh, it only gets worse from here."

"Thanks for the support, but I find myself doing better when you aren't talking."

Okay, so here I am
Writing whatever comes to mind
Simply to distract myself
From the thoughts I'd have otherwise
I tried getting on Instagram
But it's so boring
And I tried reading blogs
But I'm done already
So here I am
Trying not to let my head run
Just to leave me feeling lonelier than ever
And soaked in fears at half-past one
So no, don't feel bad for me
Most of you have been here before
It happens, it happens, I'm doing what I can
So no sympathy, por favor
I am just a bit upset
For finding myself back in this mess
I was doing so well
Oh well
Maybe all of you know all my problems by now
So maybe I won't repeat them in rhymes
But I haven't got much else to talk about
That would sound somewhat poetic in keeping time
Okay, let me try something different.

I love Baylie.
I love Baylie because she's stood the test of time
She's been a true friend to me,
She's always asked if I'm alright
She texts me randomly because she loves me
And asks how she can pray for me
I love Baylie because her eyes sparkle
And even when she's crying, to me she's beautiful
Because there's something more than pretty mascara and blush
It's when your skull smashes to the ground, and you manage to get back up
So when Baylie tells me she's tearing at the seams
I know what it means
It means it's another cliff, another fire in a safe place
It's another knife, another thorn, another wet face
But she will come on through it, or I will walk through that hell with her
So when she feels like she's a goner, I pray she knows I always miss her

I love Hope.
I love Hope because she hasn't always been through
What someone else is going through
But her storms are bigger than anyone knows
So she can understand others like no one else could do
She cares that sometimes I can't sleep
Because she's feeling the same thing
But even if she always slept soundly
And had the best dreams, she'd still care about me
I love Hope because of her humble beauty
That would melt the hardest heart
She's playful, yet incredibly wise
She's held on when the world's been torn apart
She is brave, she is strong
To keep moving on
Hold your head high and walk
You can crawl, but don't stop
Sometimes no one sees the bullets in her chest
But I do, so I pray that she'll still try her best

I love Jillian.
I love Jillian because I can trust her
To never just decide she'll believe the rumors about me
And turn her back to walk away
After all the years of our differences
I know this thing will stay the same
She dreams of a castle
That she can't see because of the fog
And the doubts are screaming louder
But she still sings her song
She's brave enough to be loyal to me
Even if we don't ever get coffee
Her love is evident by what she does and doesn't say
And through her words, somehow, I know she always sees
She would never hurt her friends
And she's bold enough to hold onto her imagination
Even if it's fragmented
And even if the strain cuts her hands open

I love Grace.
I love Grace because she's so intelligent
She seeks wisdom, and uses the wisdom she has
There's a gleam in her eyes of understanding
Though many miss it when they walk by too fast
She brings light when she hugs you
She'll encourage the oppressed
You can confide in her
And in her I have a true friend
She can tell how others feel
She apologizes if something might have been taken the wrong way
Such humility is a gem only found in a few
She learns to appreciate the past and hold onto today
I love Grace because she pays attention to the details
And notices the little things
She cherishes her friends
And you should hear her sing

I love Nick.
I love Nick because he is a pessimist
Who's had some rough yesterdays
But he tells me that everything
Will be alright anyway
I have more hope for him than he does
I pray that his eyes would be opened
But I love him because he's a good friend
Even though he's been broken
He thinks and thinks
But feels things deeply
Which, I know, is painful
But I believe it's a good thing
Sometimes he tells me what's going on
And I tell him about my life, too
And we'll complain or give each other advice
And we always make it through
He puts his thoughts into songs
And sings them with conviction
Strums away on his ukulele
His eyes looking into another dimension

I love Joseph.
I love Joseph because he lets me be sad
Instead of telling me to suck it up
Even when he doesn't understand why I'm sad
He just wants to make it better, which, yes he does
He has this playful glint in his eyes
And this excited skip in his step
Like he's thrilled to just be alive
And it always comes back after he's been upset
And when he's down, it's okay
I just hope to make him feel better
You always want that in a friend
Just someone who tries to make it better
Hope I do a good job sometimes
I love Joseph because no matter what instrument he plays
He plays it with passion, and does it well
And he makes me laugh more than I thought I could
He makes the joy inside my heart swell
He listens to what I say
I know he has my back
Apologizes for blowing air on my face
But I'm alright with that
I love Joseph because he cares
And really, that means a lot to me
Just the fact that he even cares
Makes me think my life is a dream
He holds the door for me
And you know, that's pretty nice
He's steady when I'm up and down
He helps me skate along the ice
His laugh is precious, he talks to me
And I feel the world around me freeze
He's gentle and kind, always in my mind
I pray he'll always stay who God made him to be

I love Mom
I love Dad
I love Rebekah
I love Ethan
I love Isaac
I love Izzy
I love Hannah
I love Alex
I love Mrs. Lenzie
I love Kate
I love Jenna
I love Emalie
I love Zoe
I love Luke
I love Jordan
I love Mrs. Cindetta
I love Jonathan
I love Katie
I love Charla
I love Caroline
I love Mr. John
I love Kristen
I love J-Lyon
I love Madison

And the rest

But most of all, I love Jesus Christ my Lord, for giving my life such a wonderful cast, and helping me through tonight (and not just that).

(nothing)

"I slept very little, for the disquiets of my mind prevailed over my weariness, and kept me awake."

Gulliver's Travels

Images

You sing and dance to a song you despise
You pull out a flower from behind your back
You save my life from an insane congo line
You cry "on guard!" and give my sword an attack




They hate me for it,
But sometimes you're all I really have

Anywhere

Well, here I am, writing
Because with math and science out of the way, I haven't got much to do tomorrow
Here I am, writing
Because I wish I was at prom with him still
I am writing
Because I don't wanna watch Dad cry on Saturday during graduation
I'm writing
Because I wish I was anywhere with him still

I wonder if he worries about his brother leaving
I wonder if he ever gets scared like I do about anything


Oh, this wandering heart
It'll all turn out, dear
So don't you fret, don't you mind
I'm always right here

Oh, all these different lives
It's fine if you're scared, too
So take my hand, it's alright
You can cry on me if you need to

Crowns

Now I'm left with blisters on my feet
Red on my hand
Polish on my nails
And you in my head
Can't help but wish we were there again
But that's alright, I'll see you soon
And you'll offer to fetch me the moon
And we'll dance across the ballroom floor
And I'll let you open my car door
And we'll have ice cream at an adorable café
And we'll sit on a bench, you'll say you wish we could stay
I hope you know that I meant it
If I was queen and I had the world to chose from
You'd have a crown on your head in no time
It will always be you

I still feel the floor shaking
I still feel smiles through the night
You always know what to say
But sometimes you say it with your eyes
I still feel my heart beating
I still feel your hand in mine
We had hours to spend like gold
But we still wish we had more time

(I still don't want her to leave, though.)

But she was always better
Always braver
Always kinder
Always prettier
Not that that's what matters

She always had more faith
Always had a place
Always had a lovelier face
Always had a better taste
In everything she'll ever say

People, in general, see her first
The radiance comes in a burst
Always friendly, always sure
I'm not that much compared to her
Don't be mad now, of all this I'm sure

See, she's so expressive
In face and speech
World knows she's sharper
Than a thousand metal sheets
Sings her heart out to God
Lives out her faith
Caring for people
And heavens, that face
Beauty, beauty
And her style is fresh
Even in a bad day
She's still a hot mess
More original than anyone
And intelligent, too
Great at handling problems
And pushing on through
Earns everyone's respect
Within, at most, a week of knowing her
Her life is a song
(Wish I knew all the words)
I'm not saying I'm lame
Or worshipping this girl
I just need a chance
To live my own world

My point is, if they saw me alone
Without meeting him or her beforehand
They'd love me so much more than they do
Because they'd just see me for who I am

Maybe her leaving will be good for me
Maybe then people will actually see
Not that I actually need to be seen
But maybe I'll find myself, or something

And for once in a very long time,
I'm looking forward to lying in bed
And going to sleep
Something will always be wrong
But sometimes being "okay" is a choice
And whatever's wrong doesn't always have to kill me
I can't help but think,
Maybe things are getting better

My Life on Stage

Eyes on you,
Eyes on me
You're doing this right

Purple

Does anyone else even know she's fading?
Am I the only one who can ever see?
I unroll my jeans over my purple knees
And beg life to give her back to me

The Liebster Blog Award

Okay, so I was nominated a LONG time ago by Baylie for this really cool blog award that's passed on from one blogger to the next... and I haven't completed it till now.  I fail. x)  But what you do is, when you're nominated, you have to answer the questions you're given and then give eleven facts about yourself.  Then you nominate someone else and give them questions.
Here goes!



What is your favorite movie, and why?

Thor: The Dark World.  The scenery is beautiful, and the characters are amazing.  The plot's cool too.

Apple or Android?

I'ma go with Apple...

If you could pick one actress to play you in a movie about your life, who would it be? 

I have no idea.

What is your favorite restaurant?

I just really like good food.  I don't know. x)

What is your favorite candy, and why?

I don't know, I like chocolate.

Do you have that one clothing item in your closet that you absolutely hate but can't get rid of? Describe it.

Yeah, my Girl Scouts vest. xD  It's green... and beautiful.

If you could rename yourself, what name would you choose?

Echo, Wendy, Arti... I don't know.  Emily is awesome, but it's really common.

Do you have any weird or special talents?

I can read.

When did you start writing?

Who knows when... I started blogging at 14.

How has blogging/writing helped you in life?

It helps me not explode.  Also express myself and stuff, but mostly not exploding.

What is your favorite poem ever?

Probably something written by Joseph Arze.  Not gonna lie.  I like his poem/song "The Hurt" a ton, but I'm not sure it's my TOP favorite... "Blame" by Rebekah Grey is amazing, too, but again, I don't know.



And now, eleven things prolly everyone reading this knows about me. x)  Maybe not.

1.  Uh.

2.  I've never broken a bone.

3.  I've never had a cavity.

4.  I can't really snap my fingers.

5.  My name means "industrious."  (Ooh, there's a good one.)

6.  My love language is people letting me conquer the planet and rule for all eternity as a tyrant.

7.  I'm running out of things to say.

8.  I HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST WITH EVERYTHING IN MY SOUL.

9.  I'm kind of a pessimist (if you read anything I've ever written, you know that).

10.  One time I witnessed Ethan ride his bike off a bridge at least ten feet above a creek (I'm the only one who saw this, mind you), and proceeded to cry even though he wasn't even crying and everyone was acting like it was no big deal.

11.  I hate riding bikes.





Okay, so I nominate Joseph, heheh, and I'm giving him the same questions to answer because I'm too indecisive to come up with new ones.  And, for the third question, I'm obviously changing it to "actor..." Heh
Yay!  Have fun!

Hallucination.

She's gonna kiss the world goodbye

She stands on a platform above me, her tears falling on my face

I guess it is that bad, the end

Despite the suicidal freak in me telling me to do the same

I called her down and she stared at the ground

I was thinking she'd jump without a second thought, it's all she's got

But she climbed down the stairs to me

Told me her name was Adeline, after her sobs

And if I had the power to interpret my dream

I'd say it's everything I wish I could be 

storms

It's just one thing after another
What am I supposed to do?
Electricity flashes through the air
I know it's fed up too

I want to scream into the sky
But it's already screaming
And the rain pours down
But I cry anyway

Song Prompt pt. III

I found another one!!


Your favorite song:  I don't know
Your least favorite song:  Prolly "All About That Bass," by Meghan Trainor
A song that makes you happy:  "Generator^First Floor," by Freelance Whales
A song that makes you sad:  "Second Family Portrait," by Radical Face
A song that reminds you of someone:  "A Thousand Years," by Christina Perri
A song that reminds you of somewhere:  "Battle," by Chris August
A song that reminds you of a certain event:  "Stay Alive," by Jose Gonzalez
A song that you know all the words to:  What song don't I...  I mean, "Taken By Sleep," by Twenty One Pilots
A song that you can dance to:  "NO," by Meghan Trainor
A song that makes you fall asleep:  "Ring Around the Moon," by Elephant Revival
A song from your favorite band:  "Blasphemy," by Twenty One Pilots
A song from a band you hate:  Hate is a strong word
A song that no one would expect you to love:  "You Belong With Me," by Taylor Swift
A song that describes you:  That's difficult... Maybe "Mercury," by Sleeping at Last, or "Tidal Wave," by Owl City
A song that you used to love, but now hate:  Hate is still a strong word, but "Stressed Out," by Twenty One Pilots (can I get an amen?)
A song that you hear often on the radio:  Ha ^^^^^^^
A song that you wish you heard on the radio:  "Castle," by Halsey
A song from your favorite album:  "Cave In," by Owl City
A song that you listen to when you're angry:  I don't, but I have a playlist on Spotify that I sometimes listen to
A song that you listen to when you're happy:  "Innocent Discretion" by Mitis
A song that you listen to when you're sad:  A lot, but "Old Gemini," by Radical Face
A song that you want to play at your wedding:  "All About Us," by He is We and Owl City
A song that you want to play at your funeral:  "100 Years," by Five for Fighting
A song that makes you laugh:  "Dental Care," by Owl City
A song that you can play on an instrument:  "Ghost Towns," by Radical Face
A song that you wish you could play:  "Open Hands," by Ingrid Michaelson, and "Goodbye," by Secondhand Serenade
A song from your childhood:  Anything old by Coldplay
Your favorite song this time of last year:  "Ordinary Day," by Vanessa Carlton, maybe

A few things I am grateful for...

-- Rebekah's sense of fashion (and that she helps me with mine)

-- Wishing for the same thing every time I blow on a dandelion

-- Sushi

-- Hearing Joseph's ringtone on my phone and doing a little dance before I pick up

-- All Isaac's stuffed penguins (and the fact that they regularly talk to me)

-- Fireflies

-- Hearing music playing from Rebekah's room

-- Waking up and feeling productive

-- Taking walks with Isaac when the sun is setting

-- Trying to breathe during a really cold shower

-- Isaac squeezing his eyes closed when I put sunscreen on his face

-- When I pull the covers over me in bed and feel really safe

-- Years of playing soccer

-- Not getting inappropriate jokes

-- Rebekah hiding little plastic aliens in my room, and me hiding them in hers when I find them

-- When Dad makes us pancakes on a Saturday morning

-- Actually wanting to be at co-op

-- Writing in journals throughout the years

-- Finishing all my chores

-- The light in the kitchen when the sun sets

-- The fact that Baylie can be the sweetest, most gentle person in the world, and then basically stomp on your stupid head if you mess with her friends

-- Being Baylie's friend

-- Ethan telling stupid, stupid, stupid jokes

-- Happy

-- Lemonade on a summer day

-- Reading Percy Jackson

-- TREK 2013, and realizing how much I loved those people

-- Laughing with Rebekah while getting ready in the bathroom

-- The excitement of a new school year

-- Hope's loyalty and love

-- Singing at the top of our lungs with Dad and the other kids in the car

-- Orion

-- Conversations with Nick; either being really deep or sounding half-drunk

-- The lazy river at Hawaiin Falls with my brothers

-- Cabin camping

-- Playing disc golf with my family

-- Hannah and I singing "On My Own" in the showers at Messiah's Ranch

-- Seeing the difference in people's lives after they come to know God

-- Grace being adorable and vintage, then pumps and boss woman

-- Watching Joseph, Ethan, and Isaac skip stones

-- Switch 2015

-- Making plans for running away and creating a forest Hobbit community with my geometry classmates

-- Porch swings

-- Joseph's curly hair

-- Drawing pictures throughout different phases of my life

-- Jonathan Inman's laugh

-- Izzy being transparent

-- Swimming to the sandbar on the beach

-- God doesn't change, and neither does His love

-- Joseph telling me to live a little (though I feel plenty alive when I'm around him)

-- My poor, neglected guitar

-- Wearing dresses

-- I just really like Joseph

-- Looking at cute animals and babies on Pinterest with Mom

-- Jillian being my only real friend at Surge, and never once turned her back on me to this day

-- Playing Lego video games with Jojo

-- Songs that make me cry

-- Perfume

-- Grace's vocabulary (lagoon of happiness, I think it was)

-- Texting Charla "yo yo yo"

-- Newcomb

-- Mrs. Cindetta's rant about God creating the middle finger

-- Puppet shows with shadows from a flashlight with Ethan and Isaac

-- Knowing what Joseph is going to say before he says it

-- Also being surprised when Joseph says something spontaneous (a good thing)

-- Laughing so hard my stomach hurts

-- Growing up with Abigail and Crystal Enns

-- When I got Baylie into Owl City

-- Tyler Joseph, Adam Young, and Ben Cooper explaining my life by explaining their's

-- Playing with Rebekah's hair

-- The night Ethan and I were home alone and we were really stressed out so we sat at the table and prayed for each of our friends individually

-- God answering prayer (even if it's a no)

-- Teaching Hannah how to read comics on the bus ride to TREK

-- When me and my siblings used to jump on the trampoline and spray each other with the hose

-- Hope knowing what I mean

-- The lanyards on my closet door (still)

-- Lemon pie

-- Rebekah writing stories out of songs that she hears

-- Baylie and I complaining to each other how no one understands, even though we understand each other in a vague way

-- Playing tag in fifth grade

-- Sitting on a rock at Beach Blast and talking to Joseph (my crush) about growing up

-- Playing The Avengers with my brothers on the trampoline at twelve years old (and being Loki every time)

-- *Nick making burping noises into microphone*
    "Nick"
    "Yes ma'am"
    "Give me the mic"
    "No ma'am"
    (Nick and Rebekah at band practice)

-- Joseph posting on his blog

-- Coldplay

-- Laughing my head off with Grace at Awaken because we all got squared away

-- When Rebekah and Caroline gave Joseph "Toby Mac" drumsticks for his birthday and he was so happy that I wished I had bought him the whole concert

-- Writing Bible verses with chalk

-- Lunch with my siblings

-- All those times at band practice when Joseph would start drumming a song that I knew, and made eye-contact with me

-- Understanding references no one else does

-- Katie Webb hearing all my subtle comments and laughing

-- Rereading drops I received at Anchorage

-- Working in the 1st-3rd grade room at church

-- The semesters of science with Baylie and Jillian

-- Jumping on the Vikes trampoline

-- Dancing with Joseph

-- Beauty

-- That Joseph isn't away right now

-- Hannah always smelling good

-- My cute bookmarks

-- My watch (and Joseph liking my watch, too)

-- Kate Watkins

-- "How often do you shower, Izzy?"
    ...
    "Once."

-- Not being able to stop laughing at one of Izzy's stories, even though he's back to a serious part of the lesson

-- Throwing pillows at Mr. John

-- "Step Out" by Jose Gonzalez

-- Lace

-- The Twenty One Pilots concert

-- Beach Blast

-- Random texts of encouragement

-- Rebekah getting a scholarship

-- Kissing Isaac on the head

-- Mail addressed to me

-- Winter retreats

-- Shopping for new clothes

-- Going to Disney World

-- Helping feed the homeless in Dallas (even though I'm always scared to)

-- Complimenting people

-- Nick and Ethan acting like dorks

-- Seeing the world better when I got glasses

-- Joseph carrying my backpack even when I insist I can do it just fine (because I don't have to)

-- When Ethan and Joseph were basketball coaches for Isaac's team and they both tried to impress me at practices and Joseph could dunk and Ethan pretended to

-- Rebekah being my little punk girl

-- When everyone was in love with "Anna Sun"

-- My friends being cultured and original

-- Shelby making funny faces in pictures that I take

-- Obsessing over Marvel...

-- Jenna Steele

-- Coca Cola

-- Ethan and I rating each other's burps (we totally don't do that)

-- Finding clothes for a great price like an ENJOY COKE TEE FOR ONLY FOUR DOLLARS AM I RIGHT

-- Vans

-- "Awkward silence" with Baylie

-- Painting

-- The big window in my room facing the sunset

-- The first time Joseph asked if I was okay

-- Taking pictures

-- The fact that this list could go on forever

Dance Lessons

We slid down the slides under the night sky

The streets were all quiet, but we were alive 

"I'm following you, Captain Peter Pan."

"Come on, Wendy bird!" and you took my hand

We ran from the swing set, we climbed the playground 

Didn't play hide and seek, we were already found

And I couldn't help but laugh, it felt so right

Like children with wisdom about all our lives

We climbed a nine-foot mountain and conquered the world

You were my boy and I was your girl

You promised me everything, with your arms stretched wide

I laughed; all I wanted was you by my side

We talked about life, and I got this feeling 

Orion watched over us and must have heard my heart beating

I didn't know about tomorrow, it was something I couldn't see

But I knew my future, he was right next to me 

And please give us wisdom, we need it more than ever in this harsh world.

Thank you, God, for staying the same
When all I ever do is change

I love You.

Perfume

She sprays perfume on before bed
To keep the sorrow from her head
Today was great, but like I've said
Not every night can be okay

She's gone four days without a cry
But in the shower wonders why
For every time she has to try
But still everything stays the same

She dozes off during her school
She accidentally breaks the rules
She feels alone when on her knees
Just like a blind girl in the trees
She barely gets out of her bed
But climbs out of her peace instead
She wants to be a burning light
But burns herself with her own mind
She stays away from what is wrong
And second-guesses if she's strong
Just feels like another stupid thing
Thinks like all the sheltered kids think
She loves her room during the day
But in the night it's like her grave
She has some dreams she keeps locked up
She has some reasons that she's stuck
She curses herself in her mind
But once in a while knows that she's right
She says sometimes that she'll give up
And other times that she'll grow up
She takes a walk and closes her eyes
Doesn't want to see all of this life
She lets it go with just a sigh
Think she's forgotten how to fly

But she's still trying
But she's still trying
But she's still trying
But she's still trying

Enough

You said, "I'm sorry if I cannot be
"The Peter Pan you'd always dreamed."
And you're right, honestly
But you are still him to me
You give me warmth in a world gone cold
Help me have fun in a world too old
You turn my fears into something bold
You've given Wendy a hand to hold
But you're better than a little boy
Because I know you're strong enough
To embrace the fact that we all grow up
And when they call your name, you'll show up
For them
For you
For us
And dear, that's the Peter Pan I've always dreamed
"Joseph" is enough for me.