Yours truly.

Dear diary,
Today I realized that I listen to How to Save a Life every time it's on the radio
I can never change the station
It captures my mind too fast, I suppose
Dear younger Emily,
I've found myself wondering what I can change to make people love me
You never would have done that
You were always fine
Help me be fine again, I need to be fine again
Dear diary,
I pass the days with schoolwork
But I have good moments
You live for the morning walks and the weekends
The good grades on a few tests
Until your life has purpose again
I know that's no way of thinking, but I can't help it sometimes
Dear diary,
I walk carefully, tracing my fingers along the walls
As though I'd find his hand among them
Dear diary,
I can tell that Hope loves me
Even though I'm with Joseph
Because you don't take a picture with your Polaroid of a couple laughing together unless you love them
And if you would do that, you wouldn't take two pictures with your Polaroid of a couple laughing together unless you love them
Dear diary,
Amberlee sent a note through Rebekah to say that she missed me
And I don't know what to do, I've forgotten how to act when people care that much
Why must I always be this way?
Always either lonely or worrying that I won't be able to love someone well enough
Dear diary,
I've said it before,
I want to blame myself.
And so I do, often
I'm so tired of being mad at people
Because if you stick around long enough, you realize it's not anger
It's tears and it's pain
It's the sudden realization that the rose you love is the reason you're bleeding
Because she is so sweet, she is so beautiful, so you hug her to your chest
And her thorns poke holes in your heart
But no, we'll call it madness, and I'm tired of being mad
So I invert it
I don't want bitter feelings towards people, diary
And they fit perfectly in the holes left in my heart
So that's where I'll keep them
Dear diary,
I see faces yards away
But I know they're really miles out
I know they might be the only ones who understand me
But in the end, I've got to choose the ones who love me over the ones who understand me
Dear diary,
I'm getting tired of looking for God in the sky
Dear God,
I need help, I can't do this by myself
And my heart is crying and my head is screaming that I can't do this at all
But I'm not supposed to listen to my heart and head, I'm supposed to listen to You
So I'm still listening, even though I think I'm going deaf
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying
I know You'll get me through, I trust You most of all
But it's my ears, God, they've just gotten bad
But maybe bad ears make good faith
I guess we'll see
I'm willing to wait
Dear diary,
This bit's about Baylie
One thing about her is that when she plays the guitar and sings,
She sings just so simply
Other voices join in, and she doesn't try to rise above them
Even though her voice is the most beautiful
She lets it drown among the others, but she doesn't stop singing
And she sings from her heart without getting louder than anyone else
She's there
Sometimes I get mad because people should realize how wonderful she is
They think she's "great," but great doesn't do her justice,
You can't just get away with saying that
She deserves better
But I've always said that, I suppose
Dear diary,
Since we're on the subject of people who deserve better,
I miss Rebekah.







CODE

You've got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we can make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

Any place is better

Staring from zero, got nothing to lose

Maybe we'll make something

Me, myself, I've got nothing to prove

Tracy Chapman

Precious Metals pt. II

I had sleep paralysis again today
I had forgotten how terrifying it was
Try not to scream, calm down, calm down
But you've got to wake up, calm down, calm down
Clench your fists, squeeze your toes
Wake up your body, that's how it goes
I entered it after an awful dream
Where you were supposed to turn up
But you were nowhere to be seen
What's the point, what's the point?
I'm losing my mind
What's the point, what's the point?
Are we just running out of time?
I'm not sure I'd still believe in love by now,
If it weren't for you,
To be completely honest.
All I see are broken hearts and people bending the definitions of words like
Feeling
And love
How much feeling should be involved anyway?
Where do we start just making decisions?
When do we stay,
And when do we leave?
Did you ever love him at all?
And did you love him, or was it some dream?
How do you know?
When did you make a choice?
Where do we draw the line?
Does "the one" really exist?
As a very confused man once said,
"Maybe you want her,
"Maybe you need her,
"Maybe you started to compare
"To someone not there."
And how many "what if's" are we going to pull from each scenario?
My love, I'm afraid I would drown in these questions if it weren't for you
Because I don't see any clarity from anyone around me
We just run around in the dark
Giving advice and breaking each other's hearts
And to another love, that she cannot define
Well, friend, I look at that note all the time
I dusted off the picture on my desk of you and I
I remember on my birthday when you gave it to me
And I wonder if that was your way of saying goodbye
I wonder how much closure you feel on the subject
I wonder if you said "no hard feelings"
Or maybe you're mad at me
(I wish that you'd talk to me)
Because I stare at my ceiling at very late/early hours
I stare at the wall when I stand in the shower
I sit at my desk and I stare at our picture
If you feel closure, I wanna know
Maybe then I can let this all go
I just need to see that we're both moving on
(Did you ever love me, or did you just stop?)
People say "love" in weird ways these days
There's no black and white, they all fade into gray
But now that I think about it, I do see love a lot, and it's none of their definitions
My dad loves his stepmother by not holding her sins against her
My mom cried when she lost her dad, even though he never even cared about her
Rebekah hugs me after I've been yelling at the wall all day
She meets with girls who have lots of problems and she gives her time away
Baylie always talks to me, even though I don't have good advice
Joseph wants to know what's wrong, instead of settling for my crappy lies
Isaac offers me the rest of his favorite things to eat
Ethan and Rebekah go out for lunch, even though they used to fight for weeks
Mom makes me take medicine, even though I gripe about it 
Dad doesn't complain about work, even when people there are idiots
There are different kinds of love
But all of them have that in common
You pull through when it's hard
You accept even when you're not accepted
But love is hard, you can't expect everyone to notice
Which is why I've been wishing I was stronger than this
I don't want to have to matter to people at all
And I guess I've always wanted to just make some sort of a difference