Off Guard

If you're the only one who can penetrate the bricks
Then maybe I should let you in
A few times, I think, I did
But I apologize that I'm so well hid

All that metal, all those walls
All the guards to make sure I don't fall
But I guess I did, after all
Yet in a different way, one I never saw

I'm sorry for the alligator-filled moats
With goliath tigerfish that eat all the boats
I'm sorry for the raining, you may need a coat
And all of that lightning that makes all my toast

The bulletproof glass may also be there
'Cause there are still bullet shells left in my hair
From all of the times I accidentally cared
And my no-trespassing sign says, "Come if you dare."

It's called I'm afraid, it's called self-defense
It's called a few guard dogs, and barbed-wire fence
Sometimes it comes in my jokes, the way that I jest
But I'm safe in my safe place, and no one would guess

The fortress is stubborn, and tower is high
The gators don't sleep, they stay up all night
There's no way anyone could get inside
But you caught me off guard, because you can fly

Monsters

Maybe I won't tell you why
Don't say that, but please don't lie
Oh my gosh I hate goodbyes
Now I'm feeling sick inside
So if I could take away the loneliness
Fly off to a different place
Fix it with all my toughness
Be strong and put on a new face
If I could take the words I speak
And tattoo them where you could see
Would people start to listen to me?
I need to get up, I need to start the day
But will a lack of motivation keep me awake?
And the train comes forward, and the dam breaks
Now I'm thinking to Mercury and back, but I don't wanna fall away
Would someone come and save me from
The monsters in my head?
'Cause I defeated them yesterday
But they never stay quite dead
It's like I've got enough to beat them
But I've gotta do it again and again
While you guys are at prom
I'm filling them with lead
And my head
Oh, my head
Thinks maybe I'm in over my head
That these new waters that I tread
Will leave me bleeding like I always bled
And that my eyes, too, will be red
And so I think of other things instead
But I end up there again
It's like I can't trust what you said
And my brain has been misled
Sorry for the dramatic rhymes
But man, this is all I've got
Maybe I should be indecisive
But then again, maybe not
And I still haven't gotten out of bed
My head hasn't moved from the pillow
Am I afraid that the buckets of stress
Will leave me weeping again like the willow?
Oh, someday,
I've gotta be brave
Gotta learn to face
My fears and what I say
Oh, someday,
I've gotta learn to say
That I am quite okay
Without lying to their face
But I'm here again this time
Yeah, it's still on my mind
Yeah, still wondering why
You had to say goodbye

Why

Remember why I walk this way
Remember every yesterday
Remember every time I pray
Remember that I'm here to stay

White

In the corner of my room

Are several canvases

And I look over them every day

Saying, "Soon I'll paint this."

One day I will see something

A flash inside my mind

And that's the moment I will know

What to paint this time

Coat

The sorrow
The despair
The bleeding
The care
When it all adds up,
When "life's not fair"
We'll see the light
Was actually there
An epiphany
I thought I'd share
There are coats of joy
That we should wear

Stay.

And at that moment I realized
I saw through my own disguise
The cape, I said, could make me fly
And they believed my every lie
With an S on my chest
I'll go on a quest
To help the depressed
To sort out this mess
With a cape on my back
I'll defend the attacked
There was nothing I lacked
Except power, at that
And this week was out of my hands
A billion problems no one understands
I cannot fly if I can't even stand
I'm no "Super Girl," don't know Superman
I became a liar that night
The moment I said that I was alright
Oh but they shouldn't worry, 'cause I'll end up fine
Just like I do every time
You didn't ask, and I knew you cared
Saw through my mask, and my pain was shared
You already knew, and then you were there
It's harder each night when I feel it's unfair
I thought maybe I could be a superhero
I knew this week was gonna be hard
But I came to no one's rescue
I just let it fall apart
There was nothing that I didn't say
Zero shots I didn't take
I tried so hard to make a way
And yet, I couldn't save the day
I couldn't comfort those in need
I couldn't help anyone sleep
It's hard to talk when you can't breathe
My words fell flat when pain cut deep
Another time it followed through
Another dream of losing you
Another mountain I can't move
Another time I called it soon
I'm sorry that I couldn't help
I'm sorry for the things you've felt
I'm sorry that you've always dealt
With things I can't undo myself
I'm reminded of my shortcomings
I'm reminded that my strength's nothing
I'm reminded that I'm still bluffing
Of course the pain is here, still cutting
And I'm sorry to you, for everything wrong
I now think of you when I hear that song
About what we've felt, about the teardrops
'Cause the hurt runs deep, the pain lasts long
I never meant to cause it, friend
Or hurt you like she hurt me then
"Don't feel bad," is what you said
But we've both felt that almost-end
I know it's almost good by now
I know we've mostly figured this out
But just because they don't know how
Doesn't mean you never drowned
I'm sorry to my everyone
What I say's never enough
The words escape, they always run
So cry to Him, 'cause He's the One
I'm not a superhero, see
No one's ever scared quite like me
No one's ever cared quite like me
It hurts and all the blades cut deep
But when I let it go, I'll breathe
'Cause when I talk to You, You're healing me
I never have the words to say
That everything will be okay
But my words hold you when I pray
You're remembered every day
Don't give up, don't fall away
I know the skies are turning gray
But I know that He'll make a way
Just promise me that you will stay

Every Day

So I run my hand through my hair
One last time
And I will ask not to care
Not this time
Because today can bring
A car crash for three
A phone call to me
That you fell too deep
A lack of good sleep
A car honk that beeped
A cliff just too steep
A gunshot to see
But even maybe worse
Again with "depressed"
But to not confess
There was no rest
Can't see the best
A lie in your head
And you end up dead
I'm still here in bed
But here's the thing
I could scream
I could try
To hold everything
So then I'd break
'Cause I can't take
Invisible swords with
Ivisible pain
I'm giving this day to You, oh God
Because two million things could go wrong
And yes, I had to write it on my blog
And yes, I have to give it all
Every day
Every day

And now there's nothing I can do
So I'm trusting them with You

(joy)

Things will get better
Your eyes grow wetter
But things will get better
And things will get better

God is my joy
Yeah, God is my joy
I'm headed for the sunshine
Because He's my joy

Would you smile if I told you a lie
And said everything is just fine
'Cause I know that you're not alright
And neither am I

I heard you crying
I heard you crying
So are we dying?
I'm sick of lying

We're not okay
But we will be one day

Fetal Position

I've been waking up from stranger dreams
Tell me that I'm seeing things
None of this is real to me
Tell me when you wanna leave

I've been waking up from scary dreams
When you're nowhere to be seen
When I'm getting way to deep
And I'm frozen at the scene

I can't help but feel
This shouldn't be real
I can't help but feel
This shouldn't be real
I can't help but feel
This shouldn't be real
I can't help but feel
This shouldn't be real
This shouldn't be real
This shouldn't be real
This shouldn't be real
This shouldn't be real

Second

The minute you feel like letting go 
Is the minute you start falling
And the moment you decide to hold on
Is the moment He catches you

Since when was hearing something
Such a difficult choice?
And just when did that "something" start
Becoming my own voice?

It's shaking and it's broken
And has nothing left to say
Where words of encouragement once flowed
Now I'm begging you to stay

You told me not to have bad dreams
And I didn't, that's the thing
I'm dying to wake up right now
But this is reality

Mercury

Mercy
She said that mine was mercy
Out of all the spiritual gifts,
And she said that mine is mercy
Mercy
Not giving someone the punishment they're deserving
But Mercy herself is still deserving
Of the punishment of being unworthy
'Cause she's still dying to be something
But she's deserving
To be kicked in the dirt, it's still her, she's still hurting
And now all the worth that she should be earning
Is coming from the One who's been busy reversing
The crimes that she's done, the criminal's still learning
Because she loves everyone, so recklessly yearning
To make them all better, to fix what's been hurting
And sure thing, I've made it into the category of mercy
But this love of mine is the love of God, did I have it from the beginning?
But still I credit it to my feelings
Like maybe they just hurt me
Like they're the rope around my neck, the only one that's trying to jerk me
Oh, mercy
Let's take a look at me at thirty
When my emotions will still be turning
Still breaking down, still thirsty
For a mind that's not trying to murder me
She's got kids now, but only birthing
The pain of a heart and the pain of returning
Back to the start when she hears that she's Mercy
But she travelled all the way to Mercury
To find a purpose, maybe what God could mean
By blessing her with this Mercy
When it feels like a curse to me
Here's to my future man for staying with me
When I'm all the mess that he'll ever need
I'll explain to him that I'm Mercy
But will I explain to him that it's hurting me?
Mercy
Is that Your explanation for leaving her with me?
When sometimes she is only a painful memory?
When she's one of the reasons I cannot sleep?
Mercy
But I'll be trusting You with my everything
Not just mine, but hers, You see
With every smile of hers that masks everything I see
If Mercy's why she's haunting me
Then I'll be Mercy instead of free
And someday You will rescue me
Till then I'm holding so tightly
Mercy, friend, have mercy on me
'Cause I can't handle everything
But I'll be strong, and You'll be watching me
Mercy was never so tough till me
Till Your love becomes my everything
And I'll say I got it from a place called Mercury

Bullets.

I feel the poison-dipped arrows aiming at me
But only want to help the ones behind the bows I see
If you asked me the question, I'd say that I'll fix everything
Nobody hurts me, but I hurt myself with what they're feeling

It's breaking my heart as I walk away
But I've gotta leave those problems for another day
And here we all are now under the rain
Hoping maybe it'll wash out all of the pain

I changed my prayers about who I could keep
To "Let me follow You Lord, no matter how deep.
"Don't let me wander like a lost sheep."
Then I listen to songs that tell me to sleep

Why does my sympathy shoot me through the heart?
It's like You've given me all these feelings, and I don't know where to start
'Cause maybe this archer is falling apart
And maybe that one's sleep is way off the chart

It's breaking my heart as I walk away
But I've gotta leave those problems for another day
And here we all are now under the rain
Hoping maybe it'll wash out all of the pain

Lately I've been thinking about that baseball game
And once again the poem goes nowhere, just keeping myself sane
But that night's taking up a crazy amount of space
And the details of the memory are played out in my brain

Let's take a van of teenagers out to the baseball field
Their lives are all over the place, they only need a shield
To save them from the monsters and all of the things they feel
They don't know what they're doing, and I don't know if it's real

I can hear the heartbreak as though it were a sound
I look into the past now, and I start to count
One, two, three, most of them were just breaking down
In a war that simply started and isn't over now

It's breaking my heart as I walk away
But I've gotta leave those problems for another day
And here we all are now under the rain
Hoping it'll maybe wash out all wash out all the pain
If I could, I would take the bullets from your brain
I would clean off all the blood, even if we're not the same
But I'm leaving that to Him as I pray and I pray
And I'll give you a hug because we'll be okay

Is Isolated

Under the rain
But home is where you are
Slowing time
Why are you so far?

My mind travels on and on
Tell me that I'm going home
If the night is really long
If I'm feeling all alone

Can you get rid of all of this?
Everything built up right now
The ever-growing quietness
It rings and rings and it's too loud

Golden.

Daddy comes home and Daisy says hi
He kisses her head then says goodbye
And Dylan's in his room, doesn't come downstairs
He's searching in the Bible for an answer to his prayers
And Dylan doesn't know
Dad's about to go

He and Daisy laugh like when they were kids
When he says hi to Dad like he always did
And Momma's in the kitchen doesn't meet his eyes
Dad says work was good, good as his disguise
Dylan and Daisy don't know now
Why Daddy leaves the house

Up inside her room Daisy hears a shout
Dylan goes downstairs to try and figure things out
It's coming from the master bedroom once again
So he runs back upstairs and just pretends
Sitting in his bedroom with his head in his hands
He's crying out to God and tries to understand
Why's there so much pain?
Can't I get away?

Daisy in the morning finds an egg to fry
When she turns and sees the circles under his eyes
Dylan says it's homework but the both of them know
When there's fighting in the house a lie like that won't go
The egg is burning now
Someone calm us down

A couple Sundays pass, and the kids go play
Fifteen-year-old Dylan and little Daisy get away
And Mom and Dad are out and the doorbell rings
Dylan opens up and it's some dude he's never seen
"Dylan, can I speak to you
"Just for a moment or two?"

Daisy can't help but listen at the door
The man says some common words, like "parents' counselor"
He says, "Your Daddy's leaving Mom because he found somebody else."
And that's when Dylan screams, "Why can't he tell me that himself?"
And Daisy leaves the door
Can't listen anymore

Several hours later is when Dad gets home
Daisy hears the yelling start and can't hold in the moan
She could hear it from a million miles away
But up there in her room is exactly where she'll stay
And Mommy isn't here, but Dylan cries out
And demands to know what this whole lie's about
Father says it's true
"Your mom will live with you."

Dylan's voice cracks, he says, "What about God?
"What about just everything you've told me all along?"
But Daddy doesn't answer, just puts his head in his hands
And finally he speaks, "Why can't you understand?"
It goes on and on
Everything is wrong

Dylan says, "What if I committed suicide?"
Dad says, "Dylan please--" Dylan asks, "What is my life?
Daddy says, "Don't kill yourself, you mean so much to me."
"If I meant something to you, then Dad, you wouldn't leave."
Daddy leaves the room
Daddy leaves the room

About a week later, something's going down
Mom died in an "accident," the kids move out of town
Living with their aunt who tries to help them breathe
But she divorced her man when she was twenty-three
Dylan runs away
Daisy still remains

About a month in Daisy hears the news
They found Dylan's body, but not enough clues
They said they couldn't tell if it was deliberate
But Daisy tells herself she's got the evidence
She already knows
Saw it coming 'bout a month ago

Five years finds Daisy now at eighteen
Crying on the phone as another man leaves
Daddy, and then Dylan, now the boy she thought would stay
'Cause she thought they were in love, and he thought it was a game
And now, once again, she's been replaced
'Cause he left for someone else, it was a prettier face
Daisy curls up on the floor
With the slowing heart he tore

And she lies there forever and the crying doesn't stop
She considers Dylan's exit, but decides she must be strong
Now everyone has left her, her aunt's home and getting drunk
And college might be working, but she's won't have anyone
I can't go on from here
I can't go on from here

But from her view on the floor, she can see something
Underneath the bed, several golden letters gleam
So she pulls out the Bible and she looks inside
Soon she's screaming out to God, "Why, oh why?"
And then there was a light
She had to squint her eyes

"Daisy, I'm right here, believe me, you are seen.
"You're gonna be okay, and Dylan's here with me.
"His car fell in the lake 'cause he lost control,
"But it wasn't too late to save his soul."
She cried and changed her life
She felt Him hold her tight

Too Long

So why do I keep waking up,
Dear God?
And why am I waging war
Against my thoughts?
Nightime's for sleeping, right?
Am I wrong?
I know I should trust You
I try, oh my gosh
With my future in Your hands
And my past already gone
So why do I keep waking up,
Dear God?
And what is it with all these
Worrisome thoughts?
Help me to make it
I gotta be strong
Help me to trust you
When nightime's too long
I love You, I love You,
I love You dear God

This Everything

My life is a bubble
Outside of the car
Even when I walk
I never get far

Confined to this neighborhood
I cannot escape
Tied to this schoolwork
Let me run away

You know I'm grateful
I treasure my life
But is it not supposed to be more
Than studying dawn till night?

Let me run, run away
Let me find another day
Let me hit my knees and pray
In a completely different place

Because I'm sick, sick as always
I can't even breathe today
I'm being strangled by this everything
And I can't get away

So let me be a bird
And I will take off to the air
I will never come back down
I will stay always up there

So let me free tomorrow
Just let me free at last
I'll run faster than you've ever seen
And I'll never come back

Branches

So let me tell you a tiny little thing
I always loved the song
But you make me wanna sing

So let me hum you a tiny little tune
It goes like this and that
It goes, "I'm missing you."

Clot

There's so much I could say
But I cannot translate
The words don't flow through my fingers
Quite like they did yesterday

And there are no words to describe you but these.

Until I fall asleep.


He is We

Here's Me Drawing My Sword

It's time to get up
Let me hear your voice
You've gotta wake up
Happiness is a choice

I'll hold your hand
Walk you through your heck
I'll help you climb out
Of your dangerous head

Here we go again
All tangled in misunderstanding
And everyone says, "If I scream,
"Who will ever understand me?"

He will
That oughta be enough
And I will
You've got the two of us

Here's me drawing my sword
To fight back all your fears
Your demons will all run
Because He brought me here

Shut up, I don't care
If you don't want me to
He sharpened my blade
So this is what I'll do

And even if it kills me
What better way to live?
Wait a while, and you'll see
How I love you, what I'd give

Counting Airplanes

So I'm out here counting airplanes
Trying to make sense of the change, and
I don't wanna be just anybody


Train

Optimist.

She's walking on a tightrope
Feeling everything at once
Can't seem to save her friends
And she's feeling quite done

But her heart is as light
As that beautiful hair
I hope that she knows
That somebody cares

Just because her friends
Seem to go through a lot
Doesn't mean she has no troubles
What she's got, she's got

And if you're hurting, you're hurting
It hardly matters how
If you never sleep at night
Or if you just let yourself down

So keep your chin up, love
Like you always do
We all have our struggles
So know I'm here for you

Ten

The sweetest being on this planet
Isaac helps me with geography
I wonder about his head
And all the things he's pondering

Does he notice the circles
Underneath my eyes?
Does he pay attention
Or hope that I'm alright?

Just like I do to him
I spend my free-time thinking
About the life he has
About the life he's leading




(From yesterday)
((No, not the song.))
(((I know you're singing it in your head now.)))

Wednesday.

Don't go
Would you stay right here with me?
'Cause even when you're gone
You're still almost all I see
Every minute is a second
And I don't want you to leave

Got home last night,
Saw my sister, almost cried
Doctor came and helped us fight
My older brother by her side

Stayed up a bit too late
Washing the dishes that she couldn't take
I never regretted, and it was okay
She'd do that for me any time, any day

She lies on the couch, right in the front room
Thinking of all of the things she can't do
I'm scrubbing the dishes and feeling it too
She's thinking of him, I'm thinking of you

And I'm also thinking of Hope and of Bay
And Hannah, Megan, Jilly, Jordan, and Grace
And everyone else whom I haven't yet named
My mind travels onward, you're there all the same

My bed waits for me, and I say my prayer
Disregarding all the burdens I left there
And I wonder why Rebekah didn't hear what I shared
What's the purpose she left early, least I know that she cares

Next morning starts with another word to You
And one that I read, that I got from the goon
So I get out of bed far too late before noon
'Cause last night was rough, but amazing, in truth

Say goodbye to Dad and Isaac, who leave for a trip
Mom goes to the store, Rebekah's still sick
And for once I eat something for breakfast and sit
Alone at a table with things I no longer hid

Gloom in the morning, sky turning gray
That's right about when I hear from Bay
"Momma's at the doctor, but we'll be okay"
And I tell her 'bout Rebekah, and both of us pray

I wash myself down, throw on a long shirt
Then wash the shoes that are covered in dirt
Ethan does school, and Mom goes to work
And I climb to my room and hope nothing gets worse

Rebekah's doing better, and she's had her fill
Of all of the medicine, the dissolving pills
She fell asleep for quite a while, then woke up ten till
And wow, her face is beautiful, even when she's ill

I haven't cried yet, I'm doing quite well
Since finally last night I abandoned my shell
But there's so much to do, and it's so hard to tell
How long I can say that I'm doing "quite well"

I don't know how to get back all my stubbornness
And where is my strong will, and my confidence?
I could try to tell Mom, "I don't have the endurance for this."
But I've said that too much, and it doesn't help one bit

Blurriness comes easily, I get lost in school alone
Studying for hours, till you call on the phone
And I laughed today, it felt so right, you know
Talking with my head back and my eyes closed

A face, a hug, and then more school
A couple tears, a couple rules
But I get through, I always do
I know it's God, 'cause I'm no fool

A frappuchino to keep me awake
'Cause tonight'll be long, I do it for my sake
Then promise myself again that I won't break
This is nothing that I cannot take

My day was awesome, excellent, and super amazing
So be happy for me, 'cause I listened to you
Now aren't I obedient, that's exactly what I did
When you told me this morning that you wanted me to

Don't go
Would you stay right here with me?
'Cause even when you're gone
You're still almost all I see
Every minute is a second
And I don't want you to leave

"This is Me."

"Okay," she says
"Who will be serious right now?"
And my arms shoots right up
I don't know why or how

Then she asks me to stand
So I do right away
But I must have fogotten
"What am I supposed to say?"

"Just tell us about you,"
Is what she replies
So a draw in a breath
And I let out a sigh

"This is me," I begin
And it all tumbles out
Every well-hidden thing
Pouring down to the ground

I don't stop for a second
I don't stutter at all
And I stand with both feet
As my sentences fall

Finally it's gone
The things I never said
The things stabbing my heart
And pounding in my head

She asks for a reply
And I take a seat
That's when different girls
Start talking to me

And I watch other burdens
Unravel at once
Hands are being held
And tears begin to come

They sob for each other
They sob for themselves
They sob 'cause they finally
Found someone else

I've got your back
I hope that you know
Open your heart now
We're in the same boat

Pajamas.

It scares me just how things can change
Before you knew they stayed the same
Like a really pleasant day
Watch it flowing down the drain
So I drown out what's imperfect
Here's my self and here's what hurt it
I try too hard to be the surest
*Starts to wonder if it's worth it*
I swear that I'm about to scream
What I lay down comes back to me
Can't I trust God with anything?
I'm never as good as I seem
Write myself a piece of hope
Seal it in an envelope
Put it up, someday I know
I may need that rescue-note
The lies surround this empty walk
I've been going far too long
I'm sore from going through this fog
And start to wonder if I'm a lost cause
Shout out to anxiety
For staying by my side
Oh yeah, I appreciate it
You've been there in the darkest night
But this is all I write about
It's all I ever write about
The things that I can't figure out
Am I too far gone by now?
I brush through my hair at night
And the day's troubles fall to the floor
But I pick several of them back up
And take them back with me through the door
I study late
Then my eyes are half-open
Still I'm turning a page
Until sanity's broken
That's when I arrive
Late in the night
Once in a while
Here, where I write
And I'll talk about the day
And the sun,
And how it was beautiful
Or I'll pour out the life
And the stuff
You'll see at my funeral
Then after I write
I'll tell the ceiling goodnight
Into that bed I'll climb
And just close my eyes
But there are times
Sleep only flies
'Cause my pajamas hold inside
The fear of suicide
(Will they still be alive
Come the morning light?)
This life is beautiful
And I treasure all these moments
And I have hope for the future
Because I know who holds it
I've made this excuse before
Every one of you has heard it
But when I pick them from the floor
I have to write out my burdens
Yes, I'm afraid
I wouldn't deny that any day
You've read all this anyway
I'm afraid they'll never stay
I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid
Did you get that?
But that's okay
That's okay
It's okay
He's got my back
And He'll stay
And He'll stay
And He'll stay
And I need that.
And my life goes up and down
So with every lovely sound
And with every desperate shout
I know He's figured it out
Thank you God.
Then there's you
What a goon
But I gotta say,
You help me through
And I'm thanking God for you
That He went and followed through
Oh, the English language
I can use it fine sometimes
But then when it comes to someone
Well, I just run out of rhymes
So I'll leave it at "super"
A million times
Today was good
In the end
It's about perspective
Don't pretend
That you're not worth it
We all are, friend

The Life of a Very Alive Girl.

Peer over the edge,
Can you see me?
Rivulets flow from your eyes
Paint runs from your mouth
Like a waterfall
And your lungs crystallize

I'll travel the sub-zero tundra
I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes
And that's just the tip of the iceberg
I'll do whatever it takes
To change.




Owl City

Smile.

There you go
Running across the stars
Leaving imprints on my heart

HOW DOES IT FEEL GREENIE

Once upon a time, there was a zombie apocalypse and Ethan died.

If the foot says, "I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand," that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, "I am not a part of the body because I am not an eye," would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything? But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where He wants it.




1 Corinthians

Out of Here

I can't remember now
How softly and how loud
I've been screaming out

But dear, if I could run
I would find someone
And you would be the one

And you're miles away
But yesterday
You were here with me



Ed Sheeran