the birds

I'd give anything for a saturday night
the fiber glass in my pinky brings me back to it
when shots of pain shoot up my finger every moment that I
press it too hard against a tea bag, losing touch with reality

holding onto a bottlecap and a song in my head
I didn't know my heart was capable of this
I can't say I won't have nightmares again tonight, but at least I cleaned that refrigerator well
someone pull me out of this

because I'm starting to think I should have been gone at about sophomore year
took me long enough to ruin a couple lives
"it makes me sick that they'd both be better off without me"
but they won't say it, heaven knows they don't know it
I wonder what it would be to be free

they both said I made them feel safe
the two with crippling anxiety
the two that stop in their tracks and can't breathe
the two I can't fix, the two
who have to be pulled back into reality
after plummeting down out of all time and space
they can't see their hands right in front of them
and I make them feel safe

you can't feel the earth move, but I feel it spinning out of control
on an axis made up of the knowledge that I will forever be unable to help them
it aches in my chest, but it stabs them in the heart

I fidgeted my way through the whole wedding

it made me happy, it made me sick

like waking up from a really good dream

right before the best part

and I want it so bad that I think I'll pass out

I scoop tea into silver bags 

your name is in every second I count

my heart aches for you

to fall asleep in your arms

I start crying on the way to your house

she never plays music through the speakers, just her headphones
tonight I hear the bass and I think it's to cover up the fact that she's choking on her sobs
I can't do this, I really can't
my hairbrush shaking in my hands

please take this away from her and give it back to me
she's the one who's supposed to be living vibrantly
I've got nothing to lose, I don't have any dreams
it wasn't supposed to be her, the one ripped at the seams

she stares into space and everything in me screams
give it back, give it back
take me, take me

it's been a while since I've had the plague of a soaked pillow
but I've hit something tonight and I'm frozen once more
my sister's across the world again, I hate it this time
he's certainly not here, and I'm sick about tomorrow

it's too much, I don't think I can move
she was there on Wednesday and I have a new song for her
a happy song that makes me cry and I can't
bear the thought of seeing her tomorrow,
I think I might throw up

all I want is just to sleep

Write me as an afterthought
Enraptured in the air you breathe
Would it kill you to become a bit stronger?
I cannot hold everything
To anger, a long due goodbye
I'm sick of being mad

It makes me weak to think about
My hands and knees are trembling
I'm asking them if you still hate me
I cannot hold everything
Why do I ask the questions I
Don't want the answers to

Forgive me, I cannot think straight
My vision's getting blurry
For a second there, I thought you were lying
Then the floor came out from under me
Why are you still in my head?

my prayer to You tonight is the declaration that I will not give up

here it is

You fill my lungs with breath for a reason

ambulance

I wonder how they fell in love

dreams from last night have affected my day

I'm seeing things through a heartwrenching daze

I can't write this essay, I'm too wide awake 

or maybe I'm trapped in my nightmarish state

all I see is you approaching and yelling at me

a lurch in my stomach tells me someone is going to kill me

I sense a bond with people who don't believe

I have this urgency to save my family

I think it's dripping with symbolism

but I don't want to pay attention

paranoia is a prison

he's screaming psychological tension

I feel fingers brushing against mine

I see someone losing his mind

I feel a genuine fear for my life

I see my reflection with tears in her eyes

my heart is racing, I'm short of breath

I tell my sister I'm not ready for death

I've got to get going, I wake up in bed

my room is dark and so is my head

"I feel lonely everywhere except for with you"

we embrace the title "troubled youth"

the doors are glass, a fire shines through

a pathway to the car for two

I tell you it's fine, he's just losing his mind

you're yelling at me and breaking inside

put your hand into mine, I just don't want to die

how can I go to heaven and leave the hellbound behind?

chocolate

I've been writing this research paper

do schools kill creativity?

sucking on the irony

where are we going?

we fade out after high school

not staying, but certainly not leaving

you go your way, I'll go mine

drift is the word of the day

why can't you hold on to the moments, do you not see them?

the taste of chocolate in my mouth

denim on denim, two liters of hairspray

how big does something have to be to change your life?

what are you going to say after you graduate?

if we each got a sentence

what would yours be?

I keep dreaming of all the people

I haven't given Bibles to

last night was violent

I was tired, I turned to lean on your shoulder

and found my rock hard pillow instead

I don't remember waking up

what's the difference between consciousness and unconsciousness?

I'm afraid in both, but the sky's lighter here

and I'm never physically assaulted in real life

in my dream-state I looked at my sister, who was the same

"I can't do this anymore, I'm going to wake up"

she nodded and I was transferred from one haze to another

there was dust on this chair before I sat in it

there is the mark that I have made

bloom

Here's a rainy day for her

And as it pours down, her heart sinks into the overflow

Down, down, down

Into the depths of the ocean

Or at least the edge of the street

Well her love's in Colorado

But he's not her love at all 

Only within her heart now

The real world would not allow it

So now that they're over, she takes it like a trooper

Going into the military after all

I imagine what it's like

On the way home from Commerce, Texas

A battlefield in front of you

A former love behind, lost in the mountains

But she puts on a smile I can almost see

It's like a bullet to the gut for me

But I'm not the one who'll face such things

Killed by long-distance

At such a young age

I wonder if she ever thinks,

Where am I even going?

I see my sister next to me on a stage

There's a guitar around her neck

And my microphone is cold

She leans into hers

"This one's for Quanah"

Can I be close to you?

I guess we're all one phone call from our knees










Mat Kearney

There are days things fall into place
There are moments in time when you think, "this is why"
And all of those bad months, they suddenly make sense
 So now, once again, there's drive in your mind

But in order to get there, you get nights like this
Just trying to breathe and to keep my eyes dry
One day I'll know all the good to come from it
One day I won't have to pretend I can fly

So tonight I'm alone, and I feel that way too
I close my eyes and promise myself this is the time that I'm using
To get to a better place and figure things out
But as for tonight, I'm in pain and I'm losing

1/22/18

Hand in my hand and you promised to never let go
We're walking a tightrope
High in the sky, we can see the whole world down below
We're walking a tightrope
Never sure,
Will you catch me if I should fall?







Michelle Williams

1/13/18

Not too fast,
I won't follow
I can't see what a child I am

I can't see what a child I am
I can't see what a child I am
I can't see what a child I am





The Main Drag