infinity

so speaking of dreams
do you remember what you promised me?
I choke on the words that weren't mine
I scrape my skin off along with all those days you weren't fine

it bleeds into my brain
all of those things I didn't say, all of those
times I couldn't be there and all along
I tried to tell myself it was unfair, what you asked of me
but I kill myself in my sleep

does it hurt when you remember
that I was born in September?
like it hurts any time I remember being gone for your birthday
do you read my old letters, and if so, what did they say?
I can't remember
I can't remember

"I love you to the moon and back,"
"I love you to infinity and beyond"
I get just a little dizzy if I keep thinking of our songs
only half of me's telling me it wasn't my fault

so there's nothing new to say
I have to tell you I honestly prayed
well I should have seen this coming
infinity was always longer anyway

the memories creep in again

through Death Cab for Cutie songs and September air

I want to tell someone it's not fair, but

should it even be me?

I open my phone to discover

if there was a day to cry about it, today's the day

but the tears do nothing but evade

I curse them for stumbling upon me during homework

I hate making this about myself, because it isn't

but I just can't stop thinking of all those dreams we had

crossing our fingers, it couldn't be that bad

something always escapes

fight

Well I consistently hate goodbyes, but that's
As far as my consistence goes
How do I give up my naivety when that's
All I've ever known?
People always lose it but I
Still want to believe
I have mixed feelings for your college 'cause it's
Stolen you from me

At least you give me a proper goodbye
When I know I'll see you again in a while
Because the goodbye left by them was not even mine
When I'll never have them again throughout all of time

I feel the pressure sinking in, I
Hear it in my skull
That where there was once a place for me in
Their hearts now is full
It makes me sick to think about, I
Feel it in my head
That when I want to try harder, I
Fall apart instead

You have to fight for what you want
You cannot wait for things to change
You have to find out what you need
You have to take it by the reigns

You're not allowed to stand and watch
While hearts will fall away from you
So wear those legs out, destroy those lungs
While you pay the price it takes for two

When I grow up
I will be strong enough to carry all the
Heavy things you have to haul around with you
When you're a grown-up

And when I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
The ones you have to fight beneath the bed each night
To be a grown-up







Matilda

As a bird

There was a cold breeze tonight
I know that things are getting better but I
Can't help but think of how things used to be
Running into sunsets and climbing up trees
In a way, nothing has changed
But I won't kid myself that a lot of things have
I've been stuck in the middle for a while now
Weighing the good and bad
But I still climb trees
And I still sing
About the world I continue to dream
And I still believe
In magic and things
That we can't explain because they're too far
It's surreal this year
I don't know what to think
The paradox was running free
The day Wendy Darling turned eighteen

struggling

I never anticipated being the type of person to drown things out with music.  Listen to music, yes.  Enjoy music, of course.  Breathe music, absolutely.  But now I plug in my phone and blast the same songs over and over again because I can't afford the silence.  I can't afford to think, because then I stand and stare at the wall, or I sit and realize I can't get back up, or I don't leave the shower even when there's not a trace of slippery conditioner left in my hair.  Paralysis is becoming too familiar a word.
I want to be brave.  I want to plant my feet in the ground and face the trouble head-on.  I want to sing and dance, knowing I'll be alright, as opposed to singing and dancing to keep things off my mind.  I want to run and jump and fly and pull out some sword I've always had with me, unafraid of cutting down my fears.
But I stay.  I move and move and move, pushing and tugging at the trouble to no avail.  I'm haunted by ghosts of the future and regrets from the past.  And when I stop to think about all of this, I lose my mind.
Enter music.  Which does not help.  It simply delays my impending doom, and I think to myself that if I don't focus on my impending doom now, then I'll be alright for the moment, and so I watch from a distance as my future-self burns alive and crashes to the ground, because I do not want to crumble.
I notice myself asking scary questions.  Questions like, say, "Why?"  Where do they come from?  I really can't say.  There are many variables, such as the type of day I have when I ask myself these questions, or my personality type, or the fact that I had/have depression/whatever the crap is wrong with me.  But I never know if these questions are valid due to all of these variables.
Music does a poor job of drowning out the idea that people are gone, but it does a job nonetheless.  And people are gone.  Not everyone, just the ones that kill me inside when they leave.  If there is a bright side to feeling things so very intensely, I'm not sure what it is.  And I will have myself know that I do have good days.  I have wonderful days.  I have days that make me realize everything is worth it all.  And yet, despite all of those beautiful moments; those watery sunsets and endless horizons and ground-shaking laughter; I always end up here.  But then again, I always go back up.  Maybe life is moving way too fast-- I fell behind retying my shoelace and now I can't get back.
"She's trying to cope with the fact that her sister's leaving again."
"She can't handle her boyfriend living an hour away."
"She is experiencing a lot of change due to school and graduating soon."
"She feels pressure, yet doesn't know what on earth to do with her life."
"She hasn't come to terms with the previous tragedies that she's witnessed or faced."
"Her depression is dragging her down, though her life is pretty great."
"She really misses him."
"She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere."
"She's trying to save everyone again."
"She's trying to save someone again."
Which one?  These, of course, are not the voices of anyone outside of my head.  Maybe I am useless, what with all these disabilities.  I distance myself because I don't know what to do.
The music helps, although not really.  I repeat the songs, even though they start to kill me after listening to them so much, but this is still infinitely better than facing whatever it is I won't think about.  My head is never empty, something will always fill in.  And whenever I try to explain to myself how I feel, so that I may better give an explanation to anyone else who really cares, I end up saying the same old unhelpful sentence every time.  "I'm just... struggling."
Why am I writing this?  Because something is destroying me and I'm not sure what it is.
I simply hold on to the hope that someday he and I will spend a Saturday morning in sweaters, making pancakes, and everything will be alright.

horizon

My mind wanders and my fingers stroke the wind
Searching for something that's certainly not there
Unconsciously reaching into all the empty spaces
Closing my eyes, I breathe in the miles and miles of empty air

Like a child in a game of hide and seek
Like a native girl watching a ship disappear
She is crushed, and I am devastated for her
Though she was never really here

But I look for you when you're far away
I don't mean to, I just do without fail
Some days I'm distracted, I always try to forget
But it's like I'm trapped on an endless trail

And even now, rhymes aren't close to a shadow
Of all the things that you are when you're gone
I hear you laugh at a thought that I have
I see you in places that you are not

The future is flashing before me as always
The only part about it that doesn't scare me is you
We're a thought in my head, I turn it over and over
Wishing you were forever closer