Unconditional.

She told me she wishes she could help
I saw the sincerity in her face
She said she wished she knew how to help
Because she had felt the same
"You're going through what I went through,"
And then she explained
"I thought anxiety blocked me from God,
"But somehow it was the way."
She said it's probably like that with my depression
And what she said made sense
Yet, somehow it didn't click
Maybe one day it'll be clear in my head
Because depression fogs things up a lot
And throws me into confusion
I seem to know very little right now
But I've come to a couple conclusions

I know this.  I love God and He loves me.
He stops at nothing to capture my attention and tell me how much He loves me, even though I seem unable to process it correctly right now.
How can I be lost when He has called me found?
Jesus is alive and he saves.
He rescues and saves.
I know this.
I am in love with Joseph Arze.
He is completely breathtaking, and the beauty just of who he is astonishes me.
I fear that sometimes he doesn't realize the depths of my love for him -- which he obviously doesn't, but in this different sense -- because of certain flaws in my character that make it hard to express just how much color he really does bring to my life.
I know this.
Baylie's friendship with me has stood the test of time.
Sometimes I unintentionally make it hard on people to hold up friendship with me, simply because of my mix of depression and introvertedness.
But Baylie has not let me slip through her hands.
I love Baylie with my whole heart.
Even when she doubts everything or sobs in my arms, I am amazed by her.
In her I have a true friend, she is trustworthy and beautiful.
I know this.
I hold my friends dear to my heart.
Even the ones who have hurt me, most likely unintentionally.
They are precious to me, and seeing them go through so much pains me because I want to save them and cannot.
Which I have learned, and because of this new knowledge I fear that some of them may have drawn apart from me because I'm not good at handling relationships due to this; I get to close to their troubles and hurt myself, or I find myself a bit too distant from them.
In any case, I will never stop loving them, as hard as all of this is.
I know this.
I miss Rebekah.
I'm not quite sure in what sense yet.
Maybe I miss being around her all the time.
She is still here for me, but when she comes back it's usually for Cornerstone.
Which is fine, but they get more of her sometimes.
So maybe I miss having her to myself.
I know this.
I love my family.
There is a lot I'm unsure of, so I was afraid that if I didn't put this in here, one might think I was having problems with them. I'm not.

I'm trying to put the pieces together of what Rebekah said
And I'll tell you, I'm more at peace with it all tonight
But I'm a little confused, and I know that I'm sad
There's joy in all this, but a lot makes me cry
I'm not questioning God, I know He has a plan
And it's not just head knowledge; I understand
But it just really hurts, it's just raw pain
I'd say it's pure sorrow I hold in my hands
Because this is tough, it's really just sad
But God is still God, and I am still blessed
These days I sometimes feel meaningless, all torn up inside
But Jesus still chases me when I'm depressed