love,

These very words are racing through my mind
As I haul my sister's unwanted clothes into my room
And take a breath, after dropping them in the corner
Not from the weight of the clothes but the weight of the gloom
I kept my nose buried in a school assignment all day
Because I was dying to hear Mr. Darcy's next words
And dying to avoid Rebekah's
No offense, of course, just to spare me the hurt
Some might think it's wrong for me to hold off the processing
Then again, no one else has been inside my head
Perhaps I'm in the wrong, but I really don't want to
Think about this being her last night in her own bed
Technically not, since the bed in her dorm will be hers
But this loft bed in her old room will become someone else's
I see Ethan hanging from the ladder
I hear it creek as Isaac "sneaks" up the metal bars
While she's putting on makeup in the bathroom
And since all that is only the sentiments of an old metal loft bed,
I don't want to get my mind started on anything else
"That's unwise, that's unwise, that's unwise, that's unwise."
But my alter ego steps in to defend me, saying,
"She can't be blamed for it, she's a little sister in pain."
Thanks for standing up for me
I know she's only gonna be an hour away
So to everyone who thinks that will take away the hurt,
You can count on the fact that I know where my sister is going to college
And that it's "only an hour away" so it's fine that she will never live in the same house as me again
That's fine, thanks.
Right now she's in her room, writing in her anxiety journal
Which is pretty much what I'm doing this moment, right?
I asked her if she was fine tonight, she said no
At least she gets points for honesty
She can have mine, I don't deserve them anyway
So to everyone who's wondering, no, I'm not okay with the fact that she's going to college
But don't tell me that
Because I will most definitely say, "Yeah, sure it's hard, but it's okay.  I'm coming to terms with it."
I am remarkably good at those words now
I practice them while I'm in the shower
I'm such a liar, it's not even romantic anymore
It's just disgusting
Because the truth is, I hate change
I've always been too attached to her, and I hate watching people grow up
And while I'm here complaining about it,
She's the one actually dealing with it
And there are people with worse problems than me, which makes me selfish
So I'm claiming these as selfish days
As an early birthday present
For me
Thanks.
What's funny is that I'm gonna see her again just this weekend
Except that the catch for that one is that it's gonna be called "visiting"
What's funny is that that word used to have a positive meaning
What's also funny is that I always use the words "what's funny is" whenever I'm having difficulty coping with something, because it's certainly not funny, it's tear-jerking, however, since I'm such a funny person, I carefully choose the words "what's funny is," because the obvious alternative to crying is laughing, which I will continue to do for the next few days/years.
Thank you for your patience.



Love,
A little sister