dream

If I could have it my way

If I had a dream of my own

I would have been born in 1903

I would marry young, at nineteen, to a man by the name of Joseph 

We would both be well-educated and self-supporting 

After a few years, we would run an orphanage

And take in all the kids who needed our help

We would always have enough money for them

And, selfish, I know, enough money for me to have fancy clothes every now and then

Maybe a good pair of shoes

We would live in a house attached to the orphanage 

Both of which would be beautiful houses 

Surrounded by flowers that didn't die, and we'd have a big garden

He would never be sad, he would be able to pursue all his dreams

I would be a decently-famous poet

I would paint on the weekends, and we'd go have picnics
Rebekah says we'd hit the Great Depression, but honestly... 

I feel like a material depression wouldn't be as bad

Joseph would keep his job

I would make a little money off my poems

The kids would always have enough to eat

He would go to war, but not for too long

And he wouldn't get hurt at all

Our firstborn would be named Isaac

Maybe we would end up with an Arti or a Rose

And we'd always make it

Our kids from the orphanage would grow up, but never forget us

I'd get ice cream with the girls and send them new dresses

We'd visit our boys and meet their wives

I would die rather young, but my life would have been full

And I never would have had doubts about my purpose

And Heaven would welcome me and I would fall into Jesus' arms

But I do not have that

I am a perfectionist in a messed-up head

I tear myself apart

Last week, I avoided processing things, watched my best friend get in a car wreck, saw my brother almost lose his way, lost my mind, got yelled at, and moved him into college

And of all the things I could have expected 

Nothing went remotely close to that

I keep getting nightmares

And sleep paralysis

I barely slept last night 

With my spare time I panicked over driving

Buying a car

Finding a college

Finding money 

Finding a job

Finding a purpose 

Finding my mind

I woke up this morning and couldn't move

Literally 

I slipped into the chasm of hopelessness

I got it worse than I have in a while

I feel as though I'm not prepared

And I don't even know what I'm not prepared for, because I can't see myself growing up

I can't see myself being a human 

I can't see myself living

After years of thanking God that He chose me to exist

This morning I wanted to disappear

I wanted to never have been 

There's no way out
I wouldn't say that I'm not content with my life
It just so often feels like a nightmare

But I've gotten better

He calls me for the first time

I pick up and start crying

Laughing at his jokes with tears in my eyes

I worked out on Monday

And I bought a some dresses with money I don't have 

I plan my birthday party

I write a song

And maybe this blog post will help me process what the heck is going on

I'm just trying to make it

I'm just trying my best