Where'd I go?

I'm--

I thought that pulling my closet apart
And drawing out the memories
Would help and remind me of just who I am
But now I can't find Emily

The pictures surrounding me right now
They don't feel right at all
Is that me I see in the photo on the ground
And did I know I'd fall?

It's like my past threw up on me
And I remember that whole world
But it feels so distant now
And I don't know that girl

This was supposed to help me remember who I am
But I can't write and I can't speak and I do not understand
Who is she, how'd she survive, who is this person today?
Maybe this should all be gone, maybe it should blow away
I've been having strange dreams
And during daytime I'm seeing things
Why is nothing as it seems
Why's it so hard to believe
Also, why am I not crying?
Why am I not screaming out?
Why's it easy to keep smiling?
How am I so calm right now?
It's like I don't care about the things
I would've been thrilled about the other week
And my mask is scaring me
What's in the mirror that I see?
Am I slowly fading now
And am I okay with that?
Am I slowly freaking out
Am I under attack?
Am I really gonna drown
Or am I just out of whack?
Am I sinking to the ground
Six feet down
Don't know how
And all of these questions, all this doubt
Oh no, none of this was supposed to come out
I hoped that it was school
I hoped that it was school
I hoped that it was school
Gosh, I really hoped it was just school

(To the Beautifullest Optimist)

Happy birthday Grace!!! Have a WONDERFUL day girl. :) :) :)

s... t... I... dangit.

She woke up today.
You were at the bus stop when she got there,
Much to her dismay.
And you laughed and she smiled,
You two rode the whole way.
The halls filled with students.
But what if you were the only one she saw,
Would that surprise you then?
There was a note in her locker,
And her friends teased at her grin.
The classes were unpacked.
You elaborated on her slowing answer,
Because you've got her back.
And then you two drew superheroes,
And villains to attack.
The bell rang one last time.
Then you two ran out the doorway,
After saying goodbye
To all the other people
That get annoyed when you're right.
She's writing rhymes.
And you did a bit earlier,
She reads them every time.
And it's a bit late now,
But anyhow, goodnight.

Dear Villain

They're what I call my friends
You can't do that to them
You can't do that to them
You can't do that to them

I want to save the day
But there's no black and white,
There's only gray
No villain to defeat today
But all of my friends
Go through heck all the same

Try.

There's too much
I don't know how to say
There's too much
I don't know how to pray
There's too much
I don't know how to write
There's too much
That I'm holding tonight
"What's wrong with her now?
"I thought she was okay!"
Yeah, maybe I did too
But that thought never stays
I don't know how to write
I don't know how to speak
I don't know how to fight
I don't know how to breathe
I don't know how to die
I don't know how to scream
I just know how to cry
I just know how to bleed
I'm not sure how any of this
Is getting out anymore
Because I can't talk to anyone
And I can't write like before
I don't know if I'm just survivng or not
I'm afraid to ask myself
And I'm afraid that I will run out of use
That there's nobody I can help
I had to smile
I had to lie
I had to leave
And say goodbye
I had to sob
I had to dry
Now I have to live
I have to try

Novel

When we were all strangers
And never had a clue
There wasn't as much danger
But not as much love, too
And the strangest thing I'm thinking of
Is that when I found the few
It took so long to love so much
Well, all except for two
I'm not exactly sure just when
I found out my life's a book
But judging from the past
Maybe I'll take a look
Maybe it was when I discovered
My friend group wasn't perfect
Made entirely up of
People wondering if it's worth it
So we put it in songs
And we write it on blogs
And maybe take too long
To remember we're strong
But now I'm stuck inside this cycle
Of win, and then lose
If I tell you I'm alright,
Then I don't know what to do
I spend my Fridays in a room
Where I drift from all the rest
In an huge place with just two people
That even know I get depressed
And my life is a story
I haven't read yet
If my life is a card game
I've lost several bets
But I bet, it's getting better
Long as you all don't forget her
Long as I keep reading letters
That my troubles will be feathers
But the characters all around me
Are the ones I want surrounding me
So complex and quietly loud, see
All maybe a bit more broken than I would think
There used to be a point in the day
Where the circles under my eyes went away
And that point always stayed the same
But now the circles are the only things that stay
Like the sun in the morning
I woke up today
I'm still in bed,
But nah I won't stay
Just reading what I
Wrote yesterday
Decided to finish it
So thank me some way
I wanna be the hero of this story
Don't want the attention,
Or you to adore me
I just wanna save everybody
'Cause it kills me that I understand
And still can do nothing
But cue the trust
'Cause that's not my job
Gotta trust it
To my God
He's the only hero first
And sometimes causes others
Like my daddy there
A couple friends, and brothers
I guess the only thing that's hard
Is it's difficult for me to give in
And let them be a hero for me
When I just want to win
I'm not sure just at which point
I discovered that this girl Emily
Is not half as tough as she thought she was
And couldn't be as strong as she thought she'd be
If a shattered heart could show me that
Well, it shouldn't take that much
So I'll try to let the heroes save me
With Him, it's not as tough
But I guess it's the humans that get me
The heroes of flesh and blood
The ones that give themselves for me
When I'm caught in the mud
My life is a novel
And I'm sure of that
But I'm not the hero
So please don't ask
(I'm sorry she was born a year later
And I'm sorry the Flash
Always has to wait for her)
Today's beautiful
Let's dance on the piano keys
I'll hold you, in my mind
And then you'll spin me
We'll make it through this story
We'll make it right on through
You know, it's called trust, see
And I'll look after you