I can't believe you're my best friend.

Part I

She's the making of a forest fire
Raging violently through the trees
Beautiful from far away
But screams "don't get too close to me"
She finds the fire just too much
But I could always stand the heat

He bears resemblance to an iceberg
Just peeking over all the waves
He's avoided just because they're scared
But he's the one who cries to be saved
I always saw more underneath
He's scared of drowning, but he remains

She's the clouds swirling over the earth
Always found up in the sky
And though so beautiful, she's also fragile
'Cause you don't see her in the night
I won't pull out my umbrella when she turns gray
When she breaks down and starts to cry

She's a bird soaring through the air
Drinks in the freedom of the day
So independent, yet not at all
Her heart sings of a great escape
I wonder if she'll come back down
After she up and flies away

He's the wind beneath her wings
To hold her up but keep her close
To others he seemed invisible
But if you looked, you'd always know
Like I know he'll take care of her
And still I hate to see them go

She's the stars above my head
Tiny, gigantic, living, dying
Breathing into eternity
I always pray she'll keep on trying
I never seem to reach her, she never seems to see
The very light that she is shining

She's the rose come up from ashes
Trying to breathe through what's been torn
Still such beauty, she's still so vibrant
Keeps on growing, holds her form
I can't help holding onto hope
Maybe one day she'll see more than thorns

He's the forest that grows around her
Deep and green and quiet and tall
And sometimes danger lurks within him
But he's still alive, and he's still calm
When winter comes he feels he's done
But keeps her safe when his leaves fall

He's the horizon of a setting sun
I hurry just to catch him there
His colors take my breath away
Doesn't notice when I stare
And then he's gone, a bit too fast
So radiant, so unaware

Peace.

I don't think I have a peaceful spot.  I don't think I have one or two or three places in which I am just at rest.  I think I just have moments.  Moments of peace, where I just feel utter serenity.  Calm.

Like when I take a walk with Isaac down by the pond, where we walk the sidewalk all the way down.  A breeze collects around us.  He is either by my side telling me about his dream last night, or in front of me a little ways on his scooter, talking to me about how funny something would be or noticing patterns about Animal Jam or our family or food.  The sun is setting, casting gentle rays upon his smiling face.

Peaceful.

Like the time I was on Mission Arlington, and after a night of crying on the phone with my parents about how I couldn't do this by myself and how I had to go home, just lying in bed.  The girls around me had stopped their pillow talk, and the room was quiet.  In my sleeping bag, I stared at the ceiling.  God calmed me.  I would make it.

Peaceful.

Like when I'm on the swings at Harry Myer's Park, and the sky is really colorful, and I swing really high, with the wind in my face and my brothers beside me laughing.  

Like when I'm praying to God and I know I'm not focused and life is hard and tugging at me, and I ask Him to calm me.  And as I keep praying, I just go on and on, going into detail on each subject.  And God fills me with joy, and I am grateful for everyone and everything, and I know everything will be alright.

Like when he hugs me from behind or tells me that everything will be okay and I'm doing great and God is still here.

Like when we're on a long car ride home from a trip, and the sun's going down and Isaac leans his head on my shoulder while I have my glasses on and take in the view out of the car window.

Like when I write about my struggles on my blog and I'm just like, "Yep, there it is, I said it, I recognized it, and it is in Your hands, God."

Like when he read Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief to me on the way home from our camping trip.

Like when we sat on the deck of the treehouse cabins at Messiah's Ranch and he, Rebekah, Alex, and Nick were all playing Check Yes Juliet and everyone that knew it was singing along.

Like at Mount Lebanon when you're walking down a road and just take a moment to breathe in the air around you.  To breathe in the memories.

Like when my head is throbbing from crying so hard in bed at night over and over again, and God calms me down and tells me that He's right there.  And I can sleep.

Like when I'm riding in the backseat of Alex's truck and he and Rebekah are up front talking on the way home from co-op when the sun just starts to set.

Like when I read the perfectly satisfying ending of a really good book.

Like when my dad lies next to me in my room and asks me about my life and listens.

Like when I'm reading the Bible and God speaks right to me clear as day.

Like when I see the sun rise during a car ride.

Like when he plays with my hair.

Like when I'm listening to Of Monsters and Men while taking a walk.

Like when Isaac comforts me when I'm sad.

Like when a song explains how I'm feeling perfectly, and is in a sense therapeutic.

Like when I'm grading papers for Mrs. Betsy and realize that everything is going to be just fine.

Like when the sky is so big that I don't only know that God has a plan, but I feel it too.

Like when I see Orion and think of his song.

Like when my family watches a movie and we're all together and happy.

Like when we visit the beach and waves keep coming back to me.

Like when I see a full moon.

Like when I feel just so at home.





Peaceful.

Blurred

Stomach in knots
Focus in tears
Choosing to know that
You'll always be near
Fall up and down
Then disappear
One day they'll notice
That You were still here

Falling apart
Together again
Putting in stitches
To knit up my head
Take out my heart
Put it back in
I'll be how You made me
Until the end

Sick of these blinds
Sick of the stares
Sick of the ceiling
Sick of these prayers
'Cause it all boils down
To everyone cares
But nobody's willing
Enough to be there

Holding it in
And letting it out
Back on the doorstep
Of somebody's house
Falling away
Don't wanna break down
This isn't easy
I'll figure it out

Come on inside
Find me on my knees
I'm still begging
Trying to believe
But they don't give me reasons
Just play hide and seek
I'm trying to shout
Just so I don't scream

Here's where I stood
Here's where I sat down
Before they told me
There's no middle ground
I know that I love you
There's no way around
I made a decision
That I wouldn't drown

I can't fit the pieces
It doesn't make sense
I'll put them together
At my own expense
My mind isn't working
Unless I'm in bed
I'm spinning in circles
Not giving in yet

[just and only]

Star light, star bright

First star I see tonight

Wish I may

Don't let me die

The lies are winning again tonight

down.

But winds are blowing hard
And the tightrope beneath my feet sways
And I begin to think even the tears will make me lose balance
If they fall down from my face
I stretch out my arms and try to focus
Because these are winds no one can see
And my head looks steady as they make eye-contact
But nobody looks at my feet
At least storms are visible, but I can't see the wind
I just feel it whip my hair against my cheeks
It drives the tears across my temples
And cracks my lips until they bleed
But I can't see it, I can't see
I just know it hurts and pushes against me
Again and again I almost lose balance
Against something invisible and I can't breathe
It sends sentences like torpedoes
To catch me off my guard
To make their way through both ends of my chest
Plummet deep into my heart
And again I bite down on the words, "they don't need me"
I swallow them whole and don't let them out
That's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie
Sing myself to sleep with a scream and a shout
I will not do that to myself
I write the lies on paper and watch them burn
But I do it again and again and again
As though I'll never actually learn
"They don't need me," and here you are again
I almost fall from the tightrope, gotta hold onto something
But I'm crying that I can't do it anymore
But I was doing so well, now it's crumbled to nothing
I can't, I can't, I can't, I cannot
I'm cutting my hands on the pieces of their shattered hearts
As I try to put them back together
Not to mention my own insides are falling apart
Don't ask me what's wrong, I hate hard questions
Be like the PSAT all inside my mind
My brain is tearing at the seams
The wind is too strong and I don't know why
I'm swinging back and forth on this rope
And I've found myself in too deep instead
Of where I thought I'd be about now
I am completely in over my head.
This will go one of two ways, I reason with myself
And I'm scared of the statistics, to be honest
It's out of my control, what have I gotten myself into?
I've made myself vulnerable, telling myself I've got this
Invisible wind, where did you come from?
My eyes once were ahead, but I'm miles above the ground
Bleeding tears and realistic fears
Jesus Christ, help me, because I'm looking down

Surely.

Well, Romeo and Juliet lived happily ever after, right?

And Jack and Rose had a family.

Surely Antigone was saved for standing against evil.

Surely Frankenstein's monster found love.

Well, surely Hector won the war, and came home to his lonely wife.

Surely Gale got Katniss.

Surely I'll sleep well tonight.

Surely we'll see healing.

Well, surely she won't tell me goodbye.

Surely I'll let it go.

Surely I'll grow into this.

Surely I will get better, I will get better.



And I have bad dreams about losing you.

Well surely, dear, surely I won't.