The Blog.

And I'm sorry I write about scary things
And I'm sorry I write about blood, it seems
But I can't handle everything
I need a place where I can be.

The Blood.

It came so suddenly
And it knocked the breath right out of me
Now my stars are falling down
And when I look at the night, the night's all I see
To remember a certain face
There are some things you can never replace
So ask me what's wrong again
But I will never know what to say
Let me explain to you what aquiver means
It means that when I finally sleep
All I do is dream and dream
About the most grief-stricken things
And all my fears are what I bleed
And I think and think and think
About the girl who doesn't know that she's gold
About the boy with stories untold
About a girl whose world I stole
About a boy who can't grow old
About a girl I cannot mend
About a boy I call my friend
About a girl whose heart she sent
About a boy who up and left

I'm sorry Mom that I don't sleep sometimes

I absorb emotions at night

People tell me they're not mine

But I'd take a bullet for the friends that stay by my side

(And don't)

And I'm sorry Dad for all the times

You try to get a word from me, and I only cry

Maybe I'm too sensitive for this life

But never think I never try

I discovered how it can rain from the ceiling

It's called an introspective thunderstorm

And the water's what I call feeling

I only wish the walls were all soundproof

So I could let it out sometimes

And I won't let you help with the roof

People teach me about what's wrong

So I learn to recognize each kind of problem

That's when my life becomes like my algebra

'Cause I can't figure out how to solve them

And then they start blurring

Right in front of me

Like they even ever needed

To become more confusing

I told a lie to the mirror once

After sobbing on the bathroom floor

It comes with the rarest personality type

Said I couldn't take it anymore

When do you seek help?

Is it when your thoughts are haunting you

And you don't even know yourself?

So come back here and bleed on a piece of paper

The ink rubs across my hand, telling my head, "You know you shake her."

But once it's down, I'll be okay

And save it for another day

But maybe that's when I should pray

Whenever I feel like a waste

'Cause there's a girl who says they'll never stay

A boy who's feeling quite the same

A girl who's known a world of pain

The boy who says he'll wait and wait

A girl who'll never let me help

A boy trying to know himself

A girl who's trying not to yell

A boy who made me question myself

Don't remind me of the past

I think of it enough

All the things that somehow last

Even thought they're said and done

But maybe I should speak of it

'Cause there's fear

That burrows here

And maybe talking could get rid of it

Don't wish away your life, for me

Don't throw yourself away to see

(That I cared more than anything)

Permission

Sitting alone inside this room
Wishing I could talk to you
Because the night won't ask permission
Before settling so soon

Blades

To start the day
When I'm awake
Keeps getting harder
Just wanna stay
Here where I'm safe
And go no farther

I raise my head
Sit up in bed
And now I'm hurting
Like I'd be dead
Oh, yet again
Before the morning

I try
But I can't seem to grasp it
The thought that I'll be okay
I cannot seem to grasp that
I'll be fine by the end of today

Another day
Another way
I say I'll make it through
A million ways
That you won't stay
But still I'll think of you

Another time
That I will try
To get out of this bed
But it feels
Just all too real
Like I'm being stabbed again

Like there are blades
Stopping me
From getting up again

I try
But I can't seem to grasp it
The thought that I'll be okay
I cannot seem to grasp it
That I'll be fine by the end of today

[So again I hit my knees and pray]

*Groan*

So, how long till "very soon?"
'Cause that's when I'll be seeing you
I'd say I'm sick, 'cause that's the truth
It's gotten bad, but it's not new

Another day without you, friend
Can I just please skip to the end?
I know that this has already been said
But I'm homesick with no medicine

In My Mind

It's quiet out here
They're inside, asleep
And only shadows
Notice me
The cold is biting
I hold my arms
I search for something
Inside my heart
I have ambition,
Courage, and dreams
I'm full of life and
Amazing things
And it makes me sick to my stomach
To know that I'm impossible
To know that if I just had confidence
I would be unstoppable
So I pace away and ponder too much
About the times it ended too soon
I trace my thoughts and the train that left
Leave Tyler screaming in my room
All the words of my life
Are put into such rhymes
And they don't leave my mind
No they won't leave my mind
It's not narcissism
It's the study of me
'Cause once in a while I have to focus
On the inside and what I can't see
And I don't silent my phone at night
Because I have this notion that someone will call me
And ask me to save their life
No, there's nothing wrong with me
But I just might start to think so
If you just keep on asking
Recently it's been in the air
And old feelings come back to me
All the memories that were once there
And the life that I used to lead
I'm hearing things as they once were
Not what they have become
And feeling things as I once did
Despite all that I've done
I love it, in a curious way
But just remember, remember, remember
All those things have gone away
Though you've again heated the embers
The way the sun is suspended in the sky
And the warmth is finally back
The way the moon hangs over me at night
And the night's not completely black
Familiar waters flooding over
But it seems that I can breathe
Swimming in these feelings
All the things that used to be
'Cause there's a part of it that stays with me
And never ever wants to leave
But I'm fine with that as long as I'm
Not ever dying underneath
And when I see you standing there
I see a different you
Someone that I saw before
But somehow always knew
You see, my mind is going off again
Funny thing, that is
'Cause when you're insane you're said to be "out of your mind"
But for me it's when I'm in
Endless days turn into weeks
That fly by all too fast
But if you asked me in the morning
I'd say it always lasts
Sometimes I just wanna
Fall back asleep
'Cause the pain of being awake
Is too much for me
And you know, you were there
When both my eyes were closed
So when I wake with a list of things to do
I find myself alone
Nonsense, nonsense
Here we go
But this is my therapy
I need it, you know
But I guess it's getting pretty late
I guess I should really stop
I guess writing won't help me determine my fate
So I guess I'll sleep, or not

Roller Coaster

Everybody says they know
What they are gonna do someday
And I just laugh
And try not to think about it
As I throw my head back
All my life has been one surprise
With a plot twist 'round every bend
The time I spend
Planning out the details
Really has got to end
Ethan tells me I'm okay
And I believe him almost every time
But once in a while
I start to second guess it
Miles behind my smile
Well, oh well, it'll be alright
'Cause life is just so good today
In every way
So I'll hold the trust I have
And never let it break
Ethan usually turns out to be right
So I guess that I will be alright
Stay in this fight
'Cause I promise you one day
We'll make it out alive

So please be happy tonight
(I'm really happy tonight)