Thanks for taking care of me
I know I'm weird these days, I'm sorry
I feel like arrows are coming at me left and right
And my instinct has always been to internalize
Instead of trying to communicate or let it all out
So I hope it doesn't spill over on you when you're around
Everything really hurts, but you're a ray of grace
And I want you to know that you're still my safe place
So thanks for taking care of me
Because I don't think I am, you see

...............

My brother's struggling through it, too
I come home to his discussion with Mom and Dad
We're shaking underneath the chains of the monotony
And they don't waver, they just stay on
But this routine is killing me
And he's trying to crawl out of the cycle
I wish I could save him from it, but I can't even save myself
One day at a time, one day at a time
So I try to change it up
I move the furniture in my room,
I buy a decoration from the World Market,
I try to keep my lavender alive,
I put on makeup now and then,
I redo my blog, because my head is changing (as I told you)
I buy new clothes,
I ask Rebekah about the decades
Anything to keep me moving,
Anything to keep me sane
Anything to make me feel like there's progress, and
Anything to save me from the monotony.

letters

Don't forget you were important to me,
Don't forget you are.
And when the sun sets, closing another day of trying to swallow this heartbreak
And when that song comes on the radio, and I recognize the cold voice of someone who has stood in one of your shoes
And when the leaves fall from their wooden roots, reminding me of all the walks we've taken

You're there.
You're always there.
And this is not only for you,
But tens of other people.
You stay, you all stay, flowing through my bloodstream,
Reaching my brain,
Some of you more often then others,
But you in particular, Baylie,
You always stay.

Always.

Birds

Nothing makes sense until she explains it
She tells me about books, films, and different centuries
She strings out the symbolism in her lacey words
And I know what it means, now I know what it means
She chases away my depression when she comes home
My sour day turns sweet if she enters the room
I'm high off the ground when I'm around her
She makes me think about the otherworldly, saving me from my gloom
You can see God in the air all around her
She pulls me closer to Him, even when she isn't saying a word
Sometimes I wanna ask how to get to Him, since clearly she knows
But I know I've got access, I know I'm already heard
She tells me what everything represents
In the movies that make me think twice
And even if it's not what the filmmaker intended
I know that she's right, she's always right
She knows the world better than the world knows itself
Somehow, she's always ready to learn
Even though she knows more than anyone about anything
So keep learning, keep learning, Rebekah
Maybe then you can explain the world to me

I've tried my best to appeal
To all my bittersweet dreams
Maybe they could sub in
For all the worst parts of me
How come affirmation
Is something I can't win?
I know I'm still breathing
But what am I breathing in?
Am I even coping?
This omen still lingers
Like burgundy nail polish
Chipping off of my fingers
I'm having nightmares again
Dreams mean people are dying
But please always remember
I never stopped trying

Paint

My mind crawls for escape routes and loop holes
But there's nothing there, unless you drive into the sunset
And I can't drive

Searching again for plane tickets and second chances
Whispering, "anything but this, anything but this,
"Anything but this."

Yours truly.

Dear diary,
Today I realized that I listen to How to Save a Life every time it's on the radio
I can never change the station
It captures my mind too fast, I suppose
Dear younger Emily,
I've found myself wondering what I can change to make people love me
You never would have done that
You were always fine
Help me be fine again, I need to be fine again
Dear diary,
I pass the days with schoolwork
But I have good moments
You live for the morning walks and the weekends
The good grades on a few tests
Until your life has purpose again
I know that's no way of thinking, but I can't help it sometimes
Dear diary,
I walk carefully, tracing my fingers along the walls
As though I'd find his hand among them
Dear diary,
I can tell that Hope loves me
Even though I'm with Joseph
Because you don't take a picture with your Polaroid of a couple laughing together unless you love them
And if you would do that, you wouldn't take two pictures with your Polaroid of a couple laughing together unless you love them
Dear diary,
Amberlee sent a note through Rebekah to say that she missed me
And I don't know what to do, I've forgotten how to act when people care that much
Why must I always be this way?
Always either lonely or worrying that I won't be able to love someone well enough
Dear diary,
I've said it before,
I want to blame myself.
And so I do, often
I'm so tired of being mad at people
Because if you stick around long enough, you realize it's not anger
It's tears and it's pain
It's the sudden realization that the rose you love is the reason you're bleeding
Because she is so sweet, she is so beautiful, so you hug her to your chest
And her thorns poke holes in your heart
But no, we'll call it madness, and I'm tired of being mad
So I invert it
I don't want bitter feelings towards people, diary
And they fit perfectly in the holes left in my heart
So that's where I'll keep them
Dear diary,
I see faces yards away
But I know they're really miles out
I know they might be the only ones who understand me
But in the end, I've got to choose the ones who love me over the ones who understand me
Dear diary,
I'm getting tired of looking for God in the sky
Dear God,
I need help, I can't do this by myself
And my heart is crying and my head is screaming that I can't do this at all
But I'm not supposed to listen to my heart and head, I'm supposed to listen to You
So I'm still listening, even though I think I'm going deaf
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying
I know You'll get me through, I trust You most of all
But it's my ears, God, they've just gotten bad
But maybe bad ears make good faith
I guess we'll see
I'm willing to wait
Dear diary,
This bit's about Baylie
One thing about her is that when she plays the guitar and sings,
She sings just so simply
Other voices join in, and she doesn't try to rise above them
Even though her voice is the most beautiful
She lets it drown among the others, but she doesn't stop singing
And she sings from her heart without getting louder than anyone else
She's there
Sometimes I get mad because people should realize how wonderful she is
They think she's "great," but great doesn't do her justice,
You can't just get away with saying that
She deserves better
But I've always said that, I suppose
Dear diary,
Since we're on the subject of people who deserve better,
I miss Rebekah.







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