white

I know that I cannot fix this
I wish that that was all it took
For me to stop feeling the pressure
With the universe on my shoulders

Still, I crumble to my knees
Bury my face in my hands on my bed
I need to see him in twenty years
God, tell me he's alive in twenty

I thought I'd get better at this
How many times can someone's heart break?
And is it more or less for him?
What with his soul floating along in the wind

Yet, I pine over my beloved
So selfishly, counting down the hours
I want only to see him again
While the hearts around me fall dead

And I feel it at two in the morning
All the distance between him and me
I know I need to swallow my pride
Trying to prove each other wrong, trying to prove each other right

I used to have nightmares that you'd leave me
Now I just dream that you come back
White-knuckling my pillow when I wake up
A few cities away shouldn't be such a shake-up

He said there's always a crucial moment
That could end a relationship
And over the phone, we're crying
We stay up way too late to fix anything

An hour is making a place in my heart
You fall asleep on the phone with me when I'm at school
You are the one that I will always run to
I'll stay through anything, I will not lose you

But the tears come anyway and I tell you I'm alone
"Baby, you've got me, I'm not far away"
I guess it just kills me we have to say this over the phone
But I press it to my chest and try to feel you this close

The lights are dim, as usual
The seat at the end of this row is still empty
I feel the presence of nothingness
But it could have been everything

Maybe they could have forgiven me
Maybe I could have let it go
What if it hadn't swallowed me?
Is there any way to know?

He speaks with genuinity
The kind I always heard
His actions reaching volumes
That can't be reached by words

And I tried to understand it
The way this passed me by
I think of seeing him here
Hold my breath and close my eyes

And suddenly he's distant
He's too far from my grasp
My fingers tighten on my journal
As if I can bring him back

But there's nothing in the seat left to me
Somehow more painful than when they all left me
I told the world I did not need protecting
And that's when the arrows came flying

It hurts me in ways it shouldn't
To have thought that they were all better than this
But I always end up back here
I always called myself a misfit

Some people just go faster
I never quite caught up
Where's the happily ever after
For the friend who falls in love

But nevermind those troubles
I'm on to new ones now
A man jumps off a building
A girl has hit the ground

And she says it's not the same
Like the telephone wire snapped
But she won't rely on feelings
To try and pull her back

They run, away, away
I won't go out as the pretender
I gather up the pieces
And hold them all together

And I just can't look
It's killing me







The Killers

sleepyhead

"And don't go to bed yet, love, 

"I think it's too early,

"And we just need a little time to ourselves"

Well it took me long enough to realize that I'm suffocating

Occasional paralysis that steals my breath and destroys my lungs

And I wonder why, just like the fool that I am, hating every one of my songs

It's because he's gone, it's because he's gone

And college is a wonderful place to move on

But what if you're stuck in a messy room, the one your dad keeps telling you to clean?

And I should be alright 'cause I'm bloody eighteen

But here I am, trapped in the cycles of high school drama

With nothing for my mind to drill upon but your absence 

Well, I promise I'll get better

I will clean up this room 

I will be brave and strong

I will sleep well

I will stop thinking about people who are gone

And I will grow up to be everything that I need to be

And I will fully support all the people who need me

My pillowcase will be free of any tear stains

I will be independent and I will be the definition of okay

I will be a woman who can figure things out just in time

I will mature and learn how to do something with my life

But just not tonight,

Just not tonight

infinity

so speaking of dreams
do you remember what you promised me?
I choke on the words that weren't mine
I scrape my skin off along with all those days you weren't fine

it bleeds into my brain
all of those things I didn't say, all of those
times I couldn't be there and all along
I tried to tell myself it was unfair, what you asked of me
but I kill myself in my sleep

does it hurt when you remember
that I was born in September?
like it hurts any time I remember being gone for your birthday
do you read my old letters, and if so, what did they say?
I can't remember
I can't remember

"I love you to the moon and back,"
"I love you to infinity and beyond"
I get just a little dizzy if I keep thinking of our songs
only half of me's telling me it wasn't my fault

so there's nothing new to say
I have to tell you I honestly prayed
well I should have seen this coming
infinity was always longer anyway

the memories creep in again

through Death Cab for Cutie songs and September air

I want to tell someone it's not fair, but

should it even be me?

I open my phone to discover

if there was a day to cry about it, today's the day

but the tears do nothing but evade

I curse them for stumbling upon me during homework

I hate making this about myself, because it isn't

but I just can't stop thinking of all those dreams we had

crossing our fingers, it couldn't be that bad

something always escapes

fight

Well I consistently hate goodbyes, but that's
As far as my consistence goes
How do I give up my naivety when that's
All I've ever known?
People always lose it but I
Still want to believe
I have mixed feelings for your college 'cause it's
Stolen you from me

At least you give me a proper goodbye
When I know I'll see you again in a while
Because the goodbye left by them was not even mine
When I'll never have them again throughout all of time

I feel the pressure sinking in, I
Hear it in my skull
That where there was once a place for me in
Their hearts now is full
It makes me sick to think about, I
Feel it in my head
That when I want to try harder, I
Fall apart instead

You have to fight for what you want
You cannot wait for things to change
You have to find out what you need
You have to take it by the reigns

You're not allowed to stand and watch
While hearts will fall away from you
So wear those legs out, destroy those lungs
While you pay the price it takes for two