the birds

I'd give anything for a saturday night
the fiber glass in my pinky brings me back to it
when shots of pain shoot up my finger every moment that I
press it too hard against a tea bag, losing touch with reality

holding onto a bottlecap and a song in my head
I didn't know my heart was capable of this
I can't say I won't have nightmares again tonight, but at least I cleaned that refrigerator well
someone pull me out of this

because I'm starting to think I should have been gone at about sophomore year
took me long enough to ruin a couple lives
"it makes me sick that they'd both be better off without me"
but they won't say it, heaven knows they don't know it
I wonder what it would be to be free

they both said I made them feel safe
the two with crippling anxiety
the two that stop in their tracks and can't breathe
the two I can't fix, the two
who have to be pulled back into reality
after plummeting down out of all time and space
they can't see their hands right in front of them
and I make them feel safe

you can't feel the earth move, but I feel it spinning out of control
on an axis made up of the knowledge that I will forever be unable to help them
it aches in my chest, but it stabs them in the heart

I fidgeted my way through the whole wedding

it made me happy, it made me sick

like waking up from a really good dream

right before the best part

and I want it so bad that I think I'll pass out

I scoop tea into silver bags 

your name is in every second I count

my heart aches for you

to fall asleep in your arms

I start crying on the way to your house

she never plays music through the speakers, just her headphones
tonight I hear the bass and I think it's to cover up the fact that she's choking on her sobs
I can't do this, I really can't
my hairbrush shaking in my hands

please take this away from her and give it back to me
she's the one who's supposed to be living vibrantly
I've got nothing to lose, I don't have any dreams
it wasn't supposed to be her, the one ripped at the seams

she stares into space and everything in me screams
give it back, give it back
take me, take me

it's been a while since I've had the plague of a soaked pillow
but I've hit something tonight and I'm frozen once more
my sister's across the world again, I hate it this time
he's certainly not here, and I'm sick about tomorrow

it's too much, I don't think I can move
she was there on Wednesday and I have a new song for her
a happy song that makes me cry and I can't
bear the thought of seeing her tomorrow,
I think I might throw up

all I want is just to sleep

Write me as an afterthought
Enraptured in the air you breathe
Would it kill you to become a bit stronger?
I cannot hold everything
To anger, a long due goodbye
I'm sick of being mad

It makes me weak to think about
My hands and knees are trembling
I'm asking them if you still hate me
I cannot hold everything
Why do I ask the questions I
Don't want the answers to

Forgive me, I cannot think straight
My vision's getting blurry
For a second there, I thought you were lying
Then the floor came out from under me
Why are you still in my head?

my prayer to You tonight is the declaration that I will not give up

here it is

You fill my lungs with breath for a reason

ambulance

I wonder how they fell in love

dreams from last night have affected my day

I'm seeing things through a heartwrenching daze

I can't write this essay, I'm too wide awake 

or maybe I'm trapped in my nightmarish state

all I see is you approaching and yelling at me

a lurch in my stomach tells me someone is going to kill me

I sense a bond with people who don't believe

I have this urgency to save my family

I think it's dripping with symbolism

but I don't want to pay attention

paranoia is a prison

he's screaming psychological tension

I feel fingers brushing against mine

I see someone losing his mind

I feel a genuine fear for my life

I see my reflection with tears in her eyes

my heart is racing, I'm short of breath

I tell my sister I'm not ready for death

I've got to get going, I wake up in bed

my room is dark and so is my head

"I feel lonely everywhere except for with you"

we embrace the title "troubled youth"

the doors are glass, a fire shines through

a pathway to the car for two

I tell you it's fine, he's just losing his mind

you're yelling at me and breaking inside

put your hand into mine, I just don't want to die

how can I go to heaven and leave the hellbound behind?

chocolate

I've been writing this research paper

do schools kill creativity?

sucking on the irony

where are we going?

we fade out after high school

not staying, but certainly not leaving

you go your way, I'll go mine

drift is the word of the day

why can't you hold on to the moments, do you not see them?

the taste of chocolate in my mouth

denim on denim, two liters of hairspray

how big does something have to be to change your life?

what are you going to say after you graduate?

if we each got a sentence

what would yours be?

I keep dreaming of all the people

I haven't given Bibles to

last night was violent

I was tired, I turned to lean on your shoulder

and found my rock hard pillow instead

I don't remember waking up

what's the difference between consciousness and unconsciousness?

I'm afraid in both, but the sky's lighter here

and I'm never physically assaulted in real life

in my dream-state I looked at my sister, who was the same

"I can't do this anymore, I'm going to wake up"

she nodded and I was transferred from one haze to another

there was dust on this chair before I sat in it

there is the mark that I have made

bloom

Here's a rainy day for her

And as it pours down, her heart sinks into the overflow

Down, down, down

Into the depths of the ocean

Or at least the edge of the street

Well her love's in Colorado

But he's not her love at all 

Only within her heart now

The real world would not allow it

So now that they're over, she takes it like a trooper

Going into the military after all

I imagine what it's like

On the way home from Commerce, Texas

A battlefield in front of you

A former love behind, lost in the mountains

But she puts on a smile I can almost see

It's like a bullet to the gut for me

But I'm not the one who'll face such things

Killed by long-distance

At such a young age

I wonder if she ever thinks,

Where am I even going?

I see my sister next to me on a stage

There's a guitar around her neck

And my microphone is cold

She leans into hers

"This one's for Quanah"

Can I be close to you?

I guess we're all one phone call from our knees










Mat Kearney

There are days things fall into place
There are moments in time when you think, "this is why"
And all of those bad months, they suddenly make sense
 So now, once again, there's drive in your mind

But in order to get there, you get nights like this
Just trying to breathe and to keep my eyes dry
One day I'll know all the good to come from it
One day I won't have to pretend I can fly

So tonight I'm alone, and I feel that way too
I close my eyes and promise myself this is the time that I'm using
To get to a better place and figure things out
But as for tonight, I'm in pain and I'm losing

1/22/18

Hand in my hand and you promised to never let go
We're walking a tightrope
High in the sky, we can see the whole world down below
We're walking a tightrope
Never sure,
Will you catch me if I should fall?







Michelle Williams

1/13/18

Not too fast,
I won't follow
I can't see what a child I am

I can't see what a child I am
I can't see what a child I am
I can't see what a child I am





The Main Drag

There will come a month, a day that you'll find
The world falls into place and he'll fall out of yours
Or she'll fall out of his or you'll fall out of mine
The days keep on passing, discard what we try

The one thing I have, and he says it's a lie
In my dreams he comes back, in my dreams we're alright
You'll crack a nice smile with a tear in your eye
You're not the one who has to apologize

Well maybe I'll watch Ferris Bueller and cry
Somebody tell me I'm not gonna die
I look in his eyes and I'm wondering why
I've seen this before, one million times

(bet)

Give me something, show me that you won't leave me alone
Bet on it, freaking bet
I bet you I could make you go
I bet I wouldn't let it show
I bet nobody would know
I can bet it on my soul
Your reputation would be gold
Bet
I bet you I'm a sucky friend
I bet you I'm a freaking mess
I bet you I could make it end, in a minute, maybe less
I bet you that I'm screwed
Heck, I bet I'm losing you
I'll ignore you for three months
And that's the best that I can do
But I bet you'll make me choose
Of course you will, how freaking dare you?
I'm choosing wrong, just watch and learn
I'll screw it up, I'm a woman of my word
Or I could try to be a friend
Or I could clean up my mess
I could fix this in a year, maybe more, maybe less
But it's pounding in my chest
I always claim I try my best
But my best at what, sabotaging myself?
This is what I wanted, isn't it?
But you can bet on my regret
End of the year, and I'm still not dead
Maybe I'm here for something
Oh, that's scary, isn't it?
Take it on a freaking bet
I always called myself a friend
I could be walking some museum
But I stay behind instead
On your way out, shut the door
We know we all love Ethan more
I shouldn't be writing a stupid poem
As if I've never dealt with this before
Sis can always take the blows
No burden's too big for her to hold
She'll take any rant I'll offer
But to the rest of you, don't waste your breath telling me it's my fault, believe me
I already know
But she's in a forest somewhere now
And I'm stranded in my home
Bet I want to be alone
Bet I won't pick up the phone
Get it my way, be on my own
Some bitter victory I've found myself
The only one I've ever known
All I want is to forget
Something that I've never said
Don't even speak to me of friend,
I'll take it on a freaking bet

I am holding on
I am holding on to you
Please just tell me, show me
That you're holding on too

Keep me afloat, keep me afloat
I've already noticed the hole in my boat
Is it there because of me?
It doesn't matter now, nothing matters when you're sinking

Here I am, my arms are flailing
The water moves, the sun is setting
Has my boat reached the bottom yet?
My joints are getting sore, I'm losing grit, I'm losing it

I don't know, is this how it's supposed to feel?
Tell me it's not real, tell me it's not real
I can't hold on much longer
That's when I notice tiger sharks

Here's the point, the encrypted message
I feel like I can't breathe
I wish I could not see
I wish I was the blind girl, that would make me something
I wish that you were happy
I wish that I was grasping
I wish that I could make you proud, all I wanted was for you to see how this works
Have you ever noticed how I stop rhyming when I feel I need to scream?
I think that I'm exploding, I fear I'm bursting at the seams
And not a soul can see
Not even me
Everything is too loud
My legs, they slide across my sheets
And I am restless
The yelling downstairs gets quieter when I'm screaming at myself
Blood pounds into my head, and I
Don't know what I'm saying
I think I'm sick, but everyone else says it's okay
It's completely normal
Are my arms completely normal?
Please don't leave, I am suffocating
I am suffocating on this planet

I took a step off what I thought was just a stair
But my foot is still falling
And all four walls ask "is this is what you wanted?
"Congratulations--
"you sit in the corner of your room."
And alone, I ponder the voices
Full of half-truths
And honestly, I don't know
I guess it's hard for anybody to visit
When I burn all the bridges
Maybe I just wanted something to prove
And my walls, they are screaming at me
And I'm listening
"You're doing this to yourself"
But let me out, I cannot get out
Where is the exit
Someone tell me what to do
'Cause I can't breathe, and I can't see their faces
I can't escape this
I have nowhere else to go
And my ceiling, it says that I have no one
But is that my pride?
Or do people tell me with their eyes?