wide eyes

I do not sleep tonight
Even though last night I slept three hours
Even though there are lines underneath my eyes
Even though
I'm in my own bed and I hear my own sounds
Once again
But tonight, I stare at the ceiling with frightened eyes
Much like a child afraid of heights
So I count the good things on my fingers
I try to chase the shadows away
But I cannot help but feel as though I am plunging into a gathered darkness
It doesn't even tug on my shirt because it knows
I'm slipping into it anyway
I touch my fingers and repeat the blessings
I turn on my flashlight and say it's the way out
Maybe no one can see that this is eating at me
Because some days I am brave and some days I forget
Still it drags me in, I will try harder than Tiger Lily
She was always so courageous
But I'm losing ground, these shoes have no traction
Though they climbed a mountain once

dream

If I could have it my way

If I had a dream of my own

I would have been born in 1903

I would marry young, at nineteen, to a man by the name of Joseph 

We would both be well-educated and self-supporting 

After a few years, we would run an orphanage

And take in all the kids who needed our help

We would always have enough money for them

And, selfish, I know, enough money for me to have fancy clothes every now and then

Maybe a good pair of shoes

We would live in a house attached to the orphanage 

Both of which would be beautiful houses 

Surrounded by flowers that didn't die, and we'd have a big garden

He would never be sad, he would be able to pursue all his dreams

I would be a decently-famous poet

I would paint on the weekends, and we'd go have picnics
Rebekah says we'd hit the Great Depression, but honestly... 

I feel like a material depression wouldn't be as bad

Joseph would keep his job

I would make a little money off my poems

The kids would always have enough to eat

He would go to war, but not for too long

And he wouldn't get hurt at all

Our firstborn would be named Isaac

Maybe we would end up with an Arti or a Rose

And we'd always make it

Our kids from the orphanage would grow up, but never forget us

I'd get ice cream with the girls and send them new dresses

We'd visit our boys and meet their wives

I would die rather young, but my life would have been full

And I never would have had doubts about my purpose

And Heaven would welcome me and I would fall into Jesus' arms

But I do not have that

I am a perfectionist in a messed-up head

I tear myself apart

Last week, I avoided processing things, watched my best friend get in a car wreck, saw my brother almost lose his way, lost my mind, got yelled at, and moved him into college

And of all the things I could have expected 

Nothing went remotely close to that

I keep getting nightmares

And sleep paralysis

I barely slept last night 

With my spare time I panicked over driving

Buying a car

Finding a college

Finding money 

Finding a job

Finding a purpose 

Finding my mind

I woke up this morning and couldn't move

Literally 

I slipped into the chasm of hopelessness

I got it worse than I have in a while

I feel as though I'm not prepared

And I don't even know what I'm not prepared for, because I can't see myself growing up

I can't see myself being a human 

I can't see myself living

After years of thanking God that He chose me to exist

This morning I wanted to disappear

I wanted to never have been 

There's no way out
I wouldn't say that I'm not content with my life
It just so often feels like a nightmare

But I've gotten better

He calls me for the first time

I pick up and start crying

Laughing at his jokes with tears in my eyes

I worked out on Monday

And I bought a some dresses with money I don't have 

I plan my birthday party

I write a song

And maybe this blog post will help me process what the heck is going on

I'm just trying to make it

I'm just trying my best

All I see is

Rebekah guarding me with her right arm
As this car pulls out in front of us and she slams on the brakes

Hope handing me a lavender plant
Saying it will help me sleep at night

And Joseph
Joseph hugging her immediately when he hears the reason why

And then hugging me
Clutching the back of my shirt as he's about to leave the country

Hannah showing up at my door with a Sprite
So that I'll start feeling better

Baylie just understanding

Mrs. Betsy always calling me a smart woman

Nick and Matthew asking how I'm really doing

And it's all I can see
Those shocking moments where I realize
Wait, I'm actually here--
I see how beautiful these people are
I realize I am something

It's not the same talking through a phone screen,
We're losing out
And I've been counting down the days
And I know you do the same
And I know you do the same






Roam

contacts

At the beach house
I closed my eyes and saw the ocean
Searching for a wave to catch with my brother
As the water poured over me in the shower

And here I am
Reading a month-old post from my sister
Because it's all that I've got from her
I close my eyes and see moments like the beach
I try to catch them

She writes about
How people wake up with or without purpose
And I picture us at church in worship
She raises her arms and worships and breathes
I raise my arms and worship and try to believe

I'm getting there
My God is patient and I'm struggling
Holding on to things He tells me
Jesus never tires from fighting

I close my eyes
Think of a girl who used to love me
In a world where I was happy
I don't want that to be how Jesus sees me
Give me joy and help me see things


Because I believe

Virgo

I know that I'm not getting you back
Your're running through some dimension elsewhere
And like me, maybe the dimension gets too attached
Then you just become a memory

I'm losing my mind on a Wednesday afternoon
I'm retracing every step I took
Because you slipped through my hands and I think I know how
But I don't want to believe it, I don't want to believe

And how did this lead to so much?
She was right about Atlas
And it just piled on until I'm holding the whole world
Not because I have to but because I can't seem to let go

I'm sorry for screaming so loud but I can't hear my voice
I'm replaying funerals and breakups and I swear I cannot stop
There was some sort of error in my head when I was trying to process it
And everything explodes and boils over until I realize I've been in the shower for forty-three minutes just staring at the wall

Where did you go?




Where did I go?

"Kitchens are too small."

She comes home beaming at a quarter to nine
She eats leftovers and honeydew melon and puts on a song
She jumps around the kitchen, dancing and smiling
After leading dance worship for kids this morning, and working all day--
I almost ask her how she does it, but I answer my own question
It's because she is worshipping the same God she was worshipping this morning

The song ends, but she forbids it, and puts it on repeat
She tells me the mountains are moving, and she gets to be part of it
She tells me about future church plants, and how she gets to be involved
She sounds so shocked, so grateful, so honored to be part of this
But I guess I always knew she would change the world
And I always knew she would change lives