To Be Honest

To be honest,
There's a detestable part of my soul that stopped believing
That you're coming home, and so now I'm deceiving
Myself, my mind doesn't know what to do
Because in this world that keeps spinning, it's hard to find truth
So I'm all out of options, God's always been my refuge
But to hide from myself I often ran to you
And to be honest,
I've been staying up talking to Ethan all night
And then trying to sleep in the next day 'cause of fright
'Cause I don't wanna wake up to another day without you
And you're everywhere and nowhere, and I can't make it through
Well, nothing makes sense anymore in my head
I guess it's that much easier to just stay in bed
And to be honest,
I've been learning guitar for a while now
And tearing up my fingers to create a sound
That hopefully succeeds in helping me drown
Out all the thoughts that I find are too loud
And I've been ripping my fingers until they go numb
Filling in pain where there are thoughts of us
If I could replace them, my work would be done
But I keep on playing because they are stuck
And to be honest,
I took Isaac for granted and now he's away
But I never did that with you, and you didn't stay
So my heart's freaking out and my mind is too loud
And my tears are too few for a head that's too proud
To tell even one soul I'm about to fall down
Except for my God, to whom I've definitely cried out
And I can feel Him with me and I think that I can see
And He's helping me through and I know He's testing me
He'll always be by my side, and He's doing great things
But there is no freaking way that that makes this easy
To be honest.