Eyelids

These days I'm forced to make choices that I shouldn't have to make
Everything's a chance that I don't really wanna take
Step on their toes, and here is the heart I always break
Something like guilt devours me as I see I'm still awake

I'm used to her fake smiles being aimed at others, not me
So I curl up on my carpet and wonder who people want me to be
It's not that I can't fix everything, it's that I can't fix anything
I know my life has a purpose, but it's getting hard to see

I know we'll all be close again, after everyone has died
Maybe up in Heaven they will see how hard I tried
To keep us all together and to put on my real smile
To stay instead of running away, "I love you" never was a lie

My sister gets to live actually
Makes me think there might be hope for me
But I should be studying for the SAT
Instead I write about my lack of meaning

So if I have time for nothing but school, why am I alive?
They say it's just a stage of life, one day I will thrive
I'm supposed to learn about parabolas while everything around me dies
And if I'm dead next week, it's meaningless, I never changed a life

I long for more than watching my best friend fall apart
I long for more than relationships that end with broken hearts
I long for more than me and my friends hopelessly wondering who we are
But we all long for things that are hopelessly too far

Just when I thought that it couldn't get worse
I know there's a purpose when everything hurts
But that doesn't change that last line's last two words
I know now I've never been quite enough for her

It used to be a matter of eyelids that everything was wrong
If it got too scary, we'd open up our eyes and it was gone
Then we'd find that all our terrors were just a nightmare all along
And breathe a sigh of relief as the night approached the dawn




Maybe we could go back to the way things used to be
Close my Bible up and whisper, "Life is not a tragedy"
As a drop of saltwater comes rolling down my cheek
Maybe we could go back to the way things used to be