white knuckles

Maybe I say it too much,
But I mean it enough
To tell you twenty-eight times
Every time I see you once
Maybe you're afraid I don't mean it
Maybe they are too
But I mean what I say
When I say "I love you"
I say it to Hannah
I say it to Shelby
I say it to Madison
I say it to Baylie
Maybe I say it in the same voice
But it's different every time
Wish I could be more specific
But I hardly mean it the same way twice
Sometimes it means the person they are
Is beautiful, and I care so much
Sometimes it means I'm trying and trying
To simply be enough
"I love you"
I'm trying to help you
I really need you
I wish I could save you
But it's not up to me
As I've learned the hard way
So sometimes "I love you"
Is all I can say
I think people forget
That I'm fighting my own war
But that's okay, I just wish they'd realize
I can't be their hero anymore
Sometimes all I can manage
Is a text across a phone
Because I'm barely dragging my feet
And the blood on my hands is my own
Take a shower and close my eyes
Stare at the ceiling and wonder why
Tell myself that they'll be fine
Don't even have the strength to cry
She plays victim
I let her win
He talks about me behind my back
I smile at him
Everybody hates this kid
I choose to forget the crap he did
And it leaves me
Tired.
I told her I'd check up on her
This one struggles with the same stuff as me
I plug my ears at what I'm not supposed to hear
I close my eyes at what I'm not supposed to see
I'm gonna try to get coffee with her
I tell him hi when I wish I could help
I cry for him and the friend he has who's lost
I cry for my future, but not for myself
I'm washing dishes after Anchorage while he texts Grace
They couldn't talk that much tonight, there's disappointment on his face
If I could wash away his problems, I wouldn't hesitate
But I just scrape off the dishes and make sure these don't break
There comes a time when all your memories are mixed as one
And it just leaves you so nostalgic that you think you're done
But at the end of every night rises another sun
And all the subtle pain of everything has just begun
Well, with my fingers laced together I beg pretty please
Crying out to God 'cause they don't see Him through me
Don't you think that there's a reason for my everything?
But they leave it as simply "homeschooled and naive"
I'm staring at the blinds like I do every night
And say similar things as I do every time
They argue over stupid things and I won't choose a side
They don't know what it does to me, I let it slide
I'm trying just too hard and then we fall like leaves
Because I can't help you and you cannot understand me
You say you're having second thoughts that you're a masterpiece
And that's enough to bring me back onto my knees
So the water runs over me as I stand in the shower
I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to see
But my breath is leaving and I'm wearing thin
So please just tell me I'm doing the right thing