My Disorder

Here we go again
Think I'ma blow again
Everything
Is killing me
And I just don't know again
I'm not depressed
Or like the rest
Least, I don't think
But I'm trying my best
Don't feel bad
I've got this one
The stress I've had
Will soon be done
So here I am on my knees
Begging and begging you
"Stop reading this please!"
You don't need to see words like these
I've got this, I've got this,
I've got this, you see
I call it my disorder
It's my fatality
'Cause I am on the border
Of insanity
I find it so funny
Laughing as my eyes get wetter
I kept on telling me
"Trust me, myself, it will only get better."
It's not looking that way I see
I'm on top of the world, then face in the dirt
But looks aren't everything
The best, in the end, are the ones who've been hurt
I am an emotional mess
In the morning I hardly get dressed
Before I am put to the test
With two little brothers
Whom I love with all of me
But they yell at each other
And I'm hearing it constantly
And constantly
They're all busy
Quite just like me
But I'm sitting
And I'm writing
With my everything
About this scene
Those little boys
Are watching me
They've spotted me
All out of order
"I'm Emily,
"And this is my disorder."
Then there she is
Holding all my respect
 I admire her
And then she forgets
She puts me on the left side
Of the zero on that
Number line
Because I try
And it slips my mind
Soon I'm telling her
About my life
And I'm watching my flaws in action
Looking for good
There's not even a fraction
Still looking for "sweet"
Still working on "kind"
But I'll tell you, I'm loyal,
If that's all I can find
I'll be transparent with you
If you're reading this
You deserve the truth
I treasure your smiles and calls
But if I'm honest
I don't deserve them at all
You're always there when I fall
You say that I'm worth it,
But I just feel small
Still, I love you so much
It gets hard to bear it
So I'll take your kindness
And do my best to share it
'Cause in the end
You will have been
The only ones
I called my friends
I can't help but feel
The rest of them
Just aren't real
They all pretend
And my disorder's
Taking over
Am I right?
I can't remember
What should I do?
What do I say?
I'll look to You
And I will pray