Plane Crash

Mixed feelings
Here they stayed
Like sitting in
A crashing plane
The attendant arrives
And asks if I'm fine
A "yes" is released
But I'm screaming inside
You see, they didn't know we were crashing
Wouldn't see the windows blasting
Blind to all my grasping
But I was so tired of asking
Well, part of me in denial
Part of me so sure
Most of me upset
None of me assured
I was positive
And not at all
I saw the plane
About to fall
But there I stayed
Right through it all
So call it brave
Or not at all
But they all left
They were afraid
Mixed feelings, I said
Mixed feelings, I say
I kept my distance
But never ran
Never told anyone
They'd never understand
I was mad at myself
But I knew inside
I'd go down with this plane
Even if I died
I almost wanna
Step onto the stage
And yell at those who would've blamed
"You ran, and I stayed."
So strapped onto that seat
Windows shattered around me
Stubborn as anything,
I watched the others flee
Yeah, there was never a someone else
Exactly why I was mad at myself
Theirs changed every couple of months
But I stayed right in that seat belt
That's why.
A plane, a plane
It's almost like a train
So maybe I'd wait
See how much I could take
The shards of glass cut through my cheek
I was sure they'd find my heart
Which jumped to my throat as we went down
To the end, this was the start
Sorry I had to rant about this
But a plane crash is kind of a big deal
And that seemed like the only analogy
Of describing was that was like to feel
Maybe if I strapped you to the seat
And broke all the controls
Maybe you'd feel how I felt
Know what it was like to be alone
Yeah, in a plane all alone
Not an ounce of hope
You don't believe anything
Except words of your own
Which just happened to tell you
You're crashing now
Do you hear that alarm there?
That's the only sound
Other passengers found
A way to get out
They even offered you a parachute
But you turned it down
And that's how it felt
Inside that seat belt
Inside of those shoes
Refusing to melt
Yeah, if you were there you'd see
How it feels and what it means.
Then I opened up my eyes--
The airplane crashed, but I survived
Couldn't believe I was still alive
"There is no way," but there was this time
And things happened, strange things
Hope came and changed things
No words for it, pessimist me
Still I could hardly believe
So this is how it feels to be free
And this is how it feels to finally breathe
And this is how it feels to not be alone
Yeah, this is how it feels to have a home

Greater

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

And so she hoped you'd remember this.

1 John 4:4

The Edge of a Cliff

On the flat of a cliff
Standing there on the tip
I look over the edge
And I think I might slip

Only water below
Anything but shallow
Was I this scared the night
I flew through the window?

The future's somewhere
Out to it we all stare
But will I die
Before I get there?

It's almost as if
The fire that was lit
Was made to destroy me
On the edge of a cliff

Clouds roll above me
Sea churns below me
My hair blows around
As the winds surge behind me

And I'm sure now
I'm about to go down
But a hand grasps my arm
And I turn around

You're there, clad in green
Come to save me?
"Don't you remember? You can fly,"
Are the words that you speak

Bold.

She told me to go and do something
Maybe find an identity
So maybe I'll go and try something
Ignoring my fragility
I could chop off all my hair
And dye it something strange
I could learn to play the drums
Yeah, maybe then I'd change
I could get onto a skateboard
Figure out a couple tricks
I could play guitar and sing some
Maybe then my name would stick
I could go all out as hipster
Put my hipster clothing on
I could join a public school
And prove everybody wrong

Before

When a layer of gray
Covers the sky
And a sheet of rain
Starts on its flight
I'll turn from the window
And open a door
Step out of the shadows
To the world of "before"
So once I have witnessed
Some of the past
I can face the future
And I can hold fast

Flood

I'm in my corner of the castle
That's what my father said
I'd say it's pretty humble
A dresser, a desk, a bed
But if you look a little closer
You'll see a whole lot more
You'll maybe see the rhymes
All hung up on my door
My friends, you see, are poets
And I read their pretty words
So funny, 'cause they all think
Their voice is never heard
Moving on, just pay attention
And you'll spot a recurring theme
A thread of Peter Pan here
And Neverland, a dream
It's beautiful, it's on my wall
You'd never understand
How I care so much for a place
Where time is never planned
There sits upon my dresser
A fairytale of old
About a friend who entered
Into her life, so cold
He changed some things forever
A silhouette before the moon
As he's shown inside a painting
And he's always gone too soon
Other pictures on my dresser
Also capture that boy
And he smiles, right next to her
And he fills her life with joy
There's a bucket on the floor
With the fragments of a used-to-be
Scraps of who I once was
Of thirteen-year-old Emily
Inside the bucket float a hundred words
The words of centuries
That's what it feels like, anyway
Over time, written to me
You know, I'm never gonna sleep again
The pillow is practically useless
I think at night of how I'll get away
Maybe someday I'll actually do it
Sometimes the slience cuts at my mind
It tries to drown out my voice
And I don't get dreams as often as I'd like
It's like the quiet won't give me a choice
Maybe I had too much in my head
And there wasn't enough room for a dream
So I read words of others while I'm kept awake
Sometimes I do it just so I won't scream
You have no idea
How many times
I've watched myself run down that sidewalk
Get out of this place
There's not enough space
For my feelings, my wishes, and my thoughts
In the woods my head would explode
Not literally, of course
And my thoughts would fly out everywhere
Splatter onto the trees with such force
And my mind would be free
Oh, free as can be
And that day I'd be able to think
Maybe I'd keep walking somewhere
Your house isn't too far from there
But though I've seen myself run off
I still have yet to go
Stupid worries for a teenage girl's safety
Keep me here, bound with a rope
I wish I could stroll off alone
But that would be dumb for me
My lucky brother gets out on his own
But I'm stuck here and tied to a tree
Maybe that's why I blow up sometimes
Too much interaction with humans
Never getting much time by myself
But one day I just want to do it
I apologize, it's late
And here I am writing again
My mind has left me here
I don't know when this post will end
I'm glad you had your place
Even if it's rather gone now
'Cause we all need to get away
From all and everything we're around
I don't want to let go sometimes
Scratch that-- all the time
But two magnets must wait for a while
Well, these days I don't have to lie
I'll open my window
And climb to the ground
With the bricks that jut outwards
From the side of the house
And the thoughts that I let go
Inside of my room
Will flood out from behind me
"He leaves too soon."
I don't know what's going on
Inside this brain of mine
But I know much less of what's going on
In the heart that still beats inside
For your sake, I'll now depart
And maybe get some sleep
With the frequent thought still in that heart
It's too soon when you leave

My Phrase

Ever since summer
I've been saying this phrase
It falls from my mouth
Every minute of every day
Now the year starts to close
But I repeat it always
"There is no way,
"There is no way."

You know, I never
Thought things could change
In the form that I hoped for
Every day
But they did, and to this moment
I will still say
"There is no way,
"There is no way."

Flashback

Because wow.
I told you once, from looking here.
A lot can happen in a year.

Christmas Eve

No, I will not sleep
Of course, it's Christmas Eve!
This happens naturally
It flows in my bloodstream

No, I cannot sleep
Instead I'll write and read
But not that I would sleep
If it wasn't Christmas Eve

Feathered.

Wait for me,
Just wait for me
Don't leave me behind
I wanna be free
But my voice was drowned out
And the birds didn't care
So I'm left down here running
To shout at the air
Up ahead is a cliff
But my feet do not stop
Oh no, I keep running
What if I fall off?
Thorns cut my legs
Thorns I've known all my life
I just wanna escape,
Is that such a crime?
Here's the barbed-wire fence
And my legs only move
I'm not slowing down, darling,
What do I do?
I can feel the blood
Seeping through my clothes
I would cry for help
But I'm all on my own
My dear, I see the edge
The end is coming now
But when I fall, maybe I'll
Grow wings on the way down

Over It

Because you'll spend your whole life
Trying to outdo someone else
And the both of your eyes
Will be focused on yourself
The life of a teenage girl
Just has the instinct to compare
But wake me if I fall asleep
Because I really just don't care
I can feel it from the moment
That I walk out of this house
All these girls still look at me
Trying to figure me all out
And if I don't look quite as good
Then they will walk away so pleased
And now and then I get
A haughty look made just for me
But if that teenager feels threatened
Like maybe I am a big deal
Then oh boy, I'm now in trouble
It doesn't matter how I feel
Here's to all of you who judge
To all of you want to win
I won't play your game of luck
I'm completely over it

Architect

But you're already an architect
You've built me a world that I can't forget
You've created so many memories
And so many still haven't happened yet

Spark

You sat on a stone
Just there on your own
A few yards away from the crowd
I turned to my right
And for the first time
I asked if I too could sit down

The future came up
In conversation
We both confessed something that day
And maybe a spark
Was something to start
We both said we'd rid life of change

Damsel in Distress

My pursuers found me
They tied me at the stake
Using the thickest ropes, they
Bound me from arms to waist

An audience around me
To watch the hated die
I'm sure I'll disappoint them
'Cause I don't plan to cry

So send your arrows flying
And burn your torches lighting
Keep killing me, keep trying
But I will go down fighting

You shot me, you made me this mess
You've been chasing me, I've had no rest
I'm a damsel, and I'm in distress
But trust me, I can handle this

Do you really think
I'll fall to the floor?
There's no stopping me
They've all tried before

I'll free myself from the ropes
I'll escape the fire
I can get out all on my own
If the situation's dire

So send your arrows flying
And burn your torches lighting
Keep killing me, keep trying
But I will go down fighting

You shot me, you made me this mess
You've been chasing me, I've had no rest
I'm a damsel, and I'm in distress
But trust me, I can handle this

I'm a damsel in distress
But I can handle this

Gray

I think I'm about to
Paint the windows with sky blue
Brush some clouds on the curtains
And draw the sun-- almost bright as you

DNA

It's sewn into my DNA
It's written into all my names
Under my skin in every place
It's stitched into my very face

Let me fall into this couch
Let me never come back out
Let me never hear the sound
Of myself letting someone down

Echo

How many things will I not write?
How many things will I not
Just yet let reach your sight?

But he's forming a voice
And drowning me out
There's no talking
About it now
I just wanted something
To call my own
I just wanted a name
To not be alone
Will I only fade
Into an echo?
And shall he, too,
Cast me as his shadow?

Six Feet Down

Stuck here
In between
Hoping
I have something

They just
Bury me
Don't want
To be nothing

Put me
Six feet down
Forget
I existed

Hear me
Screaming out
Maybe
If you listened

The Decade-Old Boy

Sweet little boy
Running around the house
With shorts and a t-shirt
In December
Shivering.

He loves me
He hugs me
He looks up
And cares for me
And I don't deserve it.

There's an old voice in my head
That's holding me back




("Little Talks," Of Monsters and Men.)

Trapped.

If worry's not a waste of time
Then I'm so productive at night
"Just go to sleep."
"Well Mom, I try."
But I paint scenes when I
Close my eyes
I wonder now
Who will survive?
Wait-- what the heck
Is wrong with my mind?
The worst things happen
All the time
"What if you lose them?"
This is my crime
What if I lose him?
I lie there and cry
The worst occurs
With every rhyme
Someone please help me
Escape from my mind.

Dust

But I'll blow upwards
To the sky from the ground
I'll be pushed to the air
I'll never come down
To never settle back
To never have a name
To be a rolling stone
To never find a place
Until the memory of me
Is all carried away
Until the thought of Emily
Is but a word that's been changed
And like dust I shall travel
A thought in the breeze
So maybe one day
Someone would remember me

The Best Poem Ever

Ooooh, great.
This is gonna be one of those days.
I miss someone.
A lot.

...

Dang it.

The Glory Days

We laugh about it,
He and I
He comes into my room
Day and night
We talk about depression
Turn it into a little "session"
The lost boy's understanding
That's my new confession
We pour out our hearts
And just groan some days
We both fall apart
In separate ways
Still, at the same time
I'll tell you right away
This is the time of our lives
These are the glory days
And it's only getting better
I think we both know
A brother who cares
Wherever I go
A punch in the arm
Followed by a grin
He enters every time
And I'm his therapist

So remind me one last time
And I will let go

Say.

Once there was a time when I knew my name
A pleasant little time when I had a face
The girl who played tag
And capture the flag
The tomboy in green
Who loved The Flash

As much as I say I miss those days
I'm glad that they're done, they have a place
And I have moved on
I'm still going strong
I finally know
Where I belong

A twelve-year-old girl was on her own
She knew who she was, but had no home
But no one ever cared, and
No one ever asked
So she turned around, saying,
"Don't look back."

The memories come, looking back right now
And I must say that I laugh out loud
'Cause this is my place
I'm so glad you came
I finally found
I have something to say

Hole in the Daylight

So she spreads her angel wings
And reminds the world that life is beautiful
She shows this place amazing things
Thus leaving me, a mere shadow

"But Peter, how do we get to Neverland?"

"Fly, of course!"

"But I don't know how to fly."

"I'll teach you!"

Safe and Sound

Through the gutter
And out the pipe
Goes all the water
I hear tonight
I know you don't like it
When water pours
Through atmosphere's
Unclosing doors
So then, I'm sorry,
I will say
That all of that
Happened today
Still, I'd like
To say we're safe
In memories
Of yesterday
I hope that all is well for you
In truth, I hope to see you soon
Still, we're both under one moon
Even if it's disappeared from view
So rain, rain,
Pour on down
But you and I
Will be safe and sound
Allow me to say,
That someday, somehow,
We'll finally
Figure all this out
Under so much pressure,
So much doubt
But you and I
Will be safe and sound
Because if life is like ice skating
Then I'd know most of all
That some days you fly smoothly
And some you just fall
But if both your hands
Never leave that wall
Well, would you ever live?
Or would you just crawl?
So I make mistakes
Tripping over my skates
And yet I know that the ice under me
Will not break
This foundation, you see,
Is not going to shake
And it helps that you help me
Along the way
Peter was a middle child
And Wendy was not the oldest
But keep a secret: through all their trials
They may have grown the boldest
That's the first time she skated to Neverland
And oh, what fun it was
And you know she could barely stand
But like flying, it only takes trust
So don't forget
You're in my head
I pray before
I go to bed
And these words that I say
Will carry on in my sleep
For the tests that you take
And the confidence you keep
So don't worry,
It'll all turn out
Keep our heads up,
And stand our ground
Then when we fly,
We won't come down
And you and I
Will be safe and sound

The Deaf, the Blind

I want to say one thing,
Just one thing,
That could help or please you

Wish I could say one thing,
Just something,
To let you know I see you

If you would just listen
To one thing,
I'd tell you how I need you

How Long?

But she looks up at me
And so much is unsaid
And I can't do this

Slide

Across the ice
And by your side
The skates draw maps
As we both slide

Tsunami

So I fall back on the Rock
That I built my house on
And thank God my foundation
Was where it belonged

Intervention

And when my head's still hurting
From uselessly crying so hard
When my mind is aching
From trying to reach out so far

When my words are wicked
And used to attack my own heart
Then that's when you intervene
To save me from falling apart

So if you need me
I'll be here
Stuck in frustration
On the border of tears
I've fallen short again
Just praying for an end
Maybe I can work it out
If not, I might pretend

Five Feet

But it's not just you
So don't be afraid
Some nights I'd rather
Just stay awake

Sleep is too risky
'Cause I close my eyes
Who on earth knows what
Could happen tonight

It perplexes me so
Why does my mind
Create a scene where I'm losing you
Every time?

I can't comprehend
It's one way, then the next
And they tell me to sleep,
But I'm trying my best

It's worse than most pain
And I'm so confused
My idiot mind thinks of
All I could lose

You're not alone in this
No, it's not just you
'Cause believe me when I say
I get them too

I can't understand
I can't even try
I don't even know
So please tell me,
Why?

Five Letters

I have four letters
On my hand
Well, five, 'cause I don't
Know who I am
They define me
My strengths and flaws
We read me out loud
It said it all
And now I'm limited
To just five letters
But maybe this
Could still be better

Farther

Waiting
Just a
Second
Longer

Hoping
Maybe
I'll be
Stronger

Leaving
Only
Becomes
Harder

Driving
Only
Makes you
Farther

Ghost Towns

'Cause these are the ghost towns
Nobody's home
I told you I know how it feels,
All alone
If they won't keep their promise,
I'll just keep my own
So please leave your message
After the tone

The echoes and winds just keep
Singing their song
As if we were begging them
To please go on
They speak to us, telling me
How I was wrong
Welcome, the bitter,
Here you belong

Whirlwind

Who's that in the looking glass?
I think that too much time has passed.
They didn't say it'd fly this fast,
So who's that in the looking glass?

The Flaw

So tell me I should get it
And tell me I should know
But as the years keep passing
I can't find the way to go

So tell me to be different
But different in your terms
I can be myself, if you agree
That myself really works

But what if I run?
What if I just go?
What if I don't need a plan,
And what if I don't have to know?
Yeah, what if I live?
Would you remember me?
And what if I was visible,
So much that you could see?

What if I run?

So tell me I'm imperfect
Tell me like I don't know
I'm a flaw inside your system, world
A flaw that you can't hold

Tell me this is the part
Where we all find who we are
But I've searched near and far,
It must be cut into the stars

But what if I run?
What if I just go?
What if I don't need a plan,
And what if I don't have to know?
Yeah, what if I live?
Would you remember me?
And what if I was visible,
So much that you could see?

Second star to the right
All the dreams in my mind
Don't be shocked or surprised
When we suddenly fly

Because we could run
We are not alone
We'll stay alive in this mundane,
'Cause there's a safe place we can go
Oh, what I would give
For you to be right here with me
Somehow to you I'm visible,
And finally I'm seen

So what if we run?

There She Is

If it's time for honesty
I'll give it at it's best
If you don't want to see the ugly me
You shouldn't read the rest
You see,
I'm aiming at the center of a target
And me,
Well my arrows miss the farthest
Step out of this house
She's right behind me
And I swear
Their eyes compare
But I am never seen
Thin, messy hair
Tell you I don't care
A face with zero make up
Wish that I'd just shut up
Bad posture, bad name
If girls like competition
Then I'm losing the game
I really don't need their opinions
I've known that my whole life
But I'd like to be my own
That's what I've wanted all this time
Appearance is so petty
I've probably told you how I hate it
But it's not just that that torments
And I will not try to change it
Well, you should know that I struggle
I have many doubts
Give me an ounce of grace
'Cause I'm being open now
Sometimes I look around me
With more than just my eyes
And what I notice scares me
While I turn left and right
Around me is but a breath
And nobody is there
Around me is but a breath
Just a breath of empty air
It's one of the flaws sown into my skin
That I feel like I'd walk miles
Before I find someone who cares
I've been like this for a while
And I fight it
Gosh, I fight it
I do everything I can
I burn and I ignite it
Trust me, I've tried it
I've knotted
And I've tied it
I wrote it on some paper
And posted on my blog
I've thrown it through the window
I've turned it to a song
But no matter what
It always comes to haunt
And no matter what
It kills me all day long
I just have to lose it
And know it
Tell myself
I'm my own
Tell myself
It's okay
I could never be
Never will
Wouldn't seem
To exist that way
Wouldn't know
I shouldn't be
Won't be
Can't be
I am not
Alone

Reunion

Another empty night
Where nothing belonged
A cold and dark sky
It all felt so wrong
And yet just too right
'Cause it was what I was used to
An internal fight
'Cause not anymore, I know the truth
My eyes searched
And found what wasn't there
What wasn't there vanished
No matter how much I cared
I'm uselessly reaching
To catch it instead
And yet I don't want to see you
Because you'll leave me again
Whatever I do,
It doesn't work
And it's bittersweet,
But it still hurts
Well, I guess that it will make the reunion
Five times better
Because as one of the best people once said,
It's been five-ever

Could Have Been Me

It's true, I feel for them so much

And my mind isn't out of touch

I want to help, to be their krutch

But I'm on the outside and such

Because in the right time

At a different place

With the right rhymes 

At another pace

In some other life

A separate world

With a different strife

But the same girl

In another state

In a different scene

With another fate

That could have been me

Vacancy

A vacancy walks by my side
It stays too close and matches my stride
You know, it should be you and I
But there's no chance of that tonight

The Quiet

If a laugh would carry to you the words
That I can never get out
Then that would solve most everything
About the quiet I carry around

Get Up

And I fall
Most of all
I hang my failures
On the wall
Reminding myself
Why I crawl

Why, why
Why do I try?
Why don't I give up?
I'll always cry
Like autumn leaves
I'll whither and die

But those are words
Just words I've heard
From the mouth of
A flightless bird
I must keep in mind
That I won't die
That bird's not me
'Cause I can fly

So when I wish I was someone else
I have to learn to tell myself

"Get up, get up
You haven't lost yet
You have enough
So don't forget
You'll make it,
Though your eyes are wet
And though you're full of
Dark regret
This is a battle,
Not a bet
So get up, get up
'Cause you haven't lost yet."

Shadow

And if you have lost your shadow
I will sew it back on for you
I'll be neat and I'll be gentle
For you there's nothing that I wouldn't do

Unclever

The very first time I did this 

I was scared to even start

Almost couldn't hit "publish"

It's nonsense from my heart

Because my fall-back

When I'm weak and when I'm strong

Is to translate it to rhymes 

To a post that lasts so long

And now it's second nature

I come here and drop it off

So if anybody reads this

I'm sorry for it all

And it's okay if you find it

Unoriginal, unclever

I find it that way myself

Different words just put together

But I have to get it out somehow.

You see, I'm not so fond of mirrors

Because they demand perfection

They limit who I am

To my idiot reflection

I wish to be so much more

I could be someone who stands

I want to be more inside

Who knows? Maybe I am.

There's a lovely girl in the mirror

And it's evident, she's more within

She doesn't even have to try

It's not a fight she has to win

She's absolutely beautiful 

If she was gone they would all miss her

In front of the sink, she stands next to me

For this girl's my older sister

And I'm sorry

But I'm being real

It's not me

But something I feel

And again, it's okay

But they can be so blind

Wrapped up in everything else

It takes more than their eyes

The dandelion and the rose

Each of them sprouts up and grows

On different paths they both will go

There are some things you never know

Greenie

Something changed in him this year
A little brother got old fast
And I can talk to him for once
Yeah, I can talk to him at last

He started writing on his blog
It's something I adore
Because he feels the way we do
He's more mature than he was before

I gotta say, you surprised me kid
With all that you have said and done
But I was only shocked a little bit
'Cause when they didn't believe you, I was the one

I always knew that you were deep
It shone inside your eyes
It came out when you spoke to me
So this was really no surprise

First Step

I don't know how to start my day
I don't want me to be this way
But I still feel that you're in pain
It's something I can't take away

I can't seem to get out of bed
As though you'll fall on my first step
Memories run through my head
So I hold on, pray, then try again

100-Foot-Long Shovel

Thus, my dear, I will dig you out.

Okay.

Please, please,
Be okay
I'm begging you,
Just be okay
I don't want to lose you
To this pain
I don't want to lose you
Not today
And today will end,
The sun will fade
The moon and stars
Will take its place
With a new dawn comes
Another way
And darling,
We will be okay.

Bleeding

I can't be fake
This I can't take
I'm bending now
I think I'll break
I'm hopeless and I'm sorry
But I'm too weak to tell you
So I bleed a thousand tears
'Cause I don't know what else to do
It's the dreams again
It's the scene again
I'm feeling so much
I might scream again
And I laugh about how great I am
And I pretend I'm like some Superman
They don't understand
That I really can't
I may have great plans
But I can barely stand
I don't save the world
I am just a girl
Who can't make ends meet
In the storm that swirls
And I'm sorry for all that I do
But I beat myself up so much
And I can't have you doing it too
The cold is coming
Clouds govern the sky
The trees are dying
And so am I
But I'm not the same
Because when I'm in pain
I end up shoving them away
So please don't stay
Is what I'll say
Leave me alone and
Leave me the blame

But still, I think I'll make it.

stains

Why do all the words I say
Only stress and frustrate?
I'm only getting looks of hate
And I'm the reason it's this way

All my anger lashes out
On the mirror-girl I found
And I keep throwing her down
All my clothes are bloodstained now

The Forest (of Frivolous Thoughts)

This is a place I want to be
Late at night while studying
But my bed simply holds me
I'm lying here but cannot sleep
Keep coughing myself awake
Choking on each breath I take
Feel my lungs begin to shake
How long till I breathe the same?
You may have noticed
Or caught it by now
When I'm distressed
The rhymes pour out
Other times I close my eyes
But the gears in my head still spin and fly
No rest for the ponderers of future and life
No rest for the thinkers of truth and of lies
And she was to be sent into a forest
Where trees and leaves numbered her thoughts
Then in autumn when they fell and died
New ones replaced those that were lost
She would wander this place at night
Looking up through the leaves to find starlight
But there was nothing of the sort so bright
And so she stayed captive in her mind
Whenever she turns, you know, she finds you there
Then she shakes her head clear
And tries to take a breath of air
But you somehow always remain
Just never quite real enough
And there's so much she thinks to say
But it always seems too much
Because you're always in those woods
And a million miles away
I'd do anything that I could
If I could just get you to stay
But there's still no place that's farther than
Yours when I lie awake
I would swear my shoelaces are tied
To the trees inside these woods
Because when I close my eyes
I'm not sleeping like I should

Chest

My footsteps 

Follow trails

I didn't think I'd walk down

It's a path

I didn't choose

But gladly

Accepted

Because

You know

I 

Violently 

Shoved

Away

Any 

Hope

I locked it

Into a chest

And sent it

Off to sea

In a leaking

Pirate ship

I never

Let

Myself think

About how much

I wanted that

Hope back

Never.

So if you ask me

If I would have 

Chosen

These trails I'm on

I maybe

Would cry

Unable

To express

Just 

How

Much

I wanted this

And the hope

I sent away

And I would tell you

Defintely.

That chest

Was opened 

Again

And my hopes

Flooded 

Back out 

Gushing

From the pirate ship

That I had sunk

And with the

Help of the wind

They found me

Again

And this time

I 

Locked them

In my own chest

They were 

There

To stay.

Here

A lovely seed

In

My heart

But

Everyone should know

I didn't 

Simply

Inherit

Hope.

It was 

A process

It was

A storm

Like trying to

Fall back asleep

In the midst of

An endless 

Hurricane 

And when you can

Finally sleep again

All you get

Are nightmares

I

Went through

Much.

However,

That was

The hurricane 

That

Sunk my 

Pirate ship

And two years later

My hope tumbled out again

I had

Missed it

It came to me

And buried itself

Inside

To only grow

Like the trees on the sides

Of these trails I'm on.

Bricks.

Brick by brick,
You're tearing down my wall
A wall I made so long ago
To keep out you and all

And I can feel it, soon enough,
This wall of mine will fall

Tape

And frustration grips me
 Why can't they see me?
 How is there so much
 That I simply can't be?


Why is this not enough?
 I pull out my flaws
 I tape them to paper
 And I count them all

Life in Color

It opened up a door
And a whole world just flooded through
Nothing I had known before
This place had skies of not just blue

An orange I cannot explain
Soft and light, like a beautiful heart
And I see it every day
That we aren't far apart

Twirl.

In a kingdom far away
Across the ocean and past a few days
To the right of the sunset, down stars out of place
Is where she abides, and where she will stay

And quietly, she twirls her hair
Twirling also the thoughts of if you were there
And if you were, well why would you care?
Do you even see the cloak of insignificance she wears?

In a kingdom too far away
Is where you are, and where you will stay
She thinks and she writes and she waits and she waits
'Cause she lives in a castle, but she's only a maid

All of her friends wear gowns of all gems
And she doesn't compare, but is grateful for them
Because how could the princesses of their own kingdoms
Be friends with the girl in the cloak of torn hems?

Inside of her mind, inside of her head
She turns these things over again and again
There's still so much that just hasn't been said
Inside of that cloak she just doesn't know yet

The Art of Missing You

Like a sickness in my soul
That similar ache inside my heart
An infection that took hold
And begins swelling when you depart

This is the art of missing you
I only see you in the night
But when I wake it's even worse
Than it had been in previous light

Hesitant

It's a battle
A struggle
I'm fragile
I don't know who's winning
My love is
Not thinning
Every moment I awake
From the sleep that overcomes
When the morning always takes
Me from the dreams that will succumb
I ponder of the moments
Created by my head
And after a while I realize
Exactly what they meant
It took me forever this time
But it hit me by midday
The significance of last night
And it blew me all away
I was shocked to find the truth
Because of what I've seen before
My heart was always hesitant
I shouldn't have expected much more
You see, you always intervene
I've always let you save me scars
But last night wasn't the same
Something was wrong just on my part
Well, confusion took hold right then
And I was trying to figure it out
But I slipped and my path was to end
I knew I was going straight down
That's when a hand reached to me
It was yours, and I was afraid
I didn't want to take you down as well
And you tried, but I wouldn't be saved
Most nights I let you
So I didn't understand
Why I let myself fall
When you let out your hand
And with everything inside you
With every fiber within
You came right to my rescue
But I was scared that you would slip

Invasion

How curious
You were there again
Invading my nightmares
To help me escape from them

It's funny
How often this happens
I cannot see a light
And then you step on in

My Goodnight

If I take back my goodnight
If I hadn't said goodbye
If I'd promised to reside
If I tell you that it's fine

If I only told you dear
That it feels like it's been years
If I take back my goodnight
Then would you still be right here?

A World

But it wasn't sleep who claimed me that night
It was a plunge into darkness, a lack of the light
And no matter how long I closed my eyes
They'd always end up open wide

I felt it once upon a time
In a world where I could sleep just fine
In a world where I knew that you were alright
But it wasn't this world who claimed me that night

Rose

She's stronger than I am
Of that I'm certain
And now she faces seventeen
I hope she understands
That she is worth it
She is worth everything

Brave
My dear, you are brave
The courage it takes
Is courage your heart will muster

Making wishes as we walk
I wish to grant them
Does she know I care for her?
And she pauses as she talks
She takes it in
Does she feel her little sister?

Brave
My dear, you are brave
The courage it takes
Is courage your heart will muster

(today)

I'll just say

That today

Was so nice

And so great

And my heart

Is so ready 

I'm tired of

Holding

I'll just say

I'm awake 

And I missed
You today 

Even though

Oh, I know

I saw you a few 

Hours 

Though it still

Seemed so fast

You were gone

It was past

Why does it

Never last?

Why are there

Goodbyes here?

Words you said

In my head

I replay

Today's events

And I know

All I know

Is that tomorrow's coming

Who you are

In your heart 

Made me happy

From the start

And today

Oh, today

You were gone and I missed you

A Little While

A simple poem could never explain
Just exactly what I want to say
But here I am, and here's a poem
And there you are, so here we go

My whole world has turned around
A few different times this year, I found
And it has changed just for the best
When I say best, I mean more than the rest

Well, things always get tough again
And "life turns plans up on their heads"
But I will always come to tears
Because you tell me that you're here

This is nothing that I ever planned
And honestly I don't understand
Everything that I cannot write
About how you hold my heart so tight

But ignore this for a little while
As I tell about just why I smile
And closing now this poem I wrote
So many things you still don't know

Hope

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.


Psalm 27:13-14

I'm all worn out
Don't let me drown
You held me then
You hold me now

But He Can.

Everything I once knew
Is crumbling before my very eyes
And all happiness splits down the middle
While I tell myself it's alright
It would be one thing if I could run
Or if I could fly, just so far away
But those hopes are shattered and gone
This is something I cannot escape
I've given all my heart
All my mind and all of me
I tried to fix this place
But I'm just in the way, you see
Ah, this place
This place I call home
Oh, this place I call home
Is an ocean of tears
Now I am alone
Alone with my fears
It's now all too clear
It's now all too near
So much I can't handle
So much all right here
I failed again this morning
Broke a promise to myself
Broke everything inside me
Broke down in front of someone else
It was worse than ever this time
I was sinking as I cried out
But if we look on the bright side
At least my eyes are clean now
Well, right when I want to teach
I find that it would seem
I'm the one that needs to see
That needs to learn just how to breathe
And all I've tried to put away
Lurks over me day after day
I'm not sure how much more I can take
I die to be strong, and I only break
Those little boys will need someone
And I have to be there for them
But all they see is an unstable teen
Who falls apart at everything
And I want to be the shoulder she cries on
But I'm the one crying, my steadiness gone
She wouldn't come to me, though I wish that she did
Because in her eyes I am only a kid
I don't blame her for that
I won't blame anyone
This is harder than ever
I'm not giving up
But the effort that I put in
Will just drag me down again
And anxiety, I know, is my sin
I am fighting, I can't see a win
I love You God with all my heart
But sometimes You just feel so far
I can't rest anywhere down here
Just let me rest in You
Oh God, be near
I'll be speaking tomorrow
The things I need to know
Talking somewhat to myself
Teaching me how to let go
Though I'm doing this for them
Even if it doesn't show
That they'll even take it in
But You'll speak through me, I hope
There's no one here that I can run to now
Not at this moment
So again, I beg that You'd be here
That I'd feel Your presence and hold it
Instead of the billion other things
Tied on weights to my ankles and wrists
I've been dragging them around and
To be free is my one wish
So let this be an example
To those who think I've got it together
Read these words and realize
That there are storms that I still cannot weather

Coke Truck

I used to wish upon the Coke trucks
That I saw driving by
Just a kid with my two brothers
We wished that we could fly

It became a natural habit
See the red, look to the sky
Whisper what would never happen
And then move on with my life

I took it with me through the years
That silly tradition I made up
And while prayers claimed most of my dreams
Upon a Coke truck was still one

These days I see those red trucks
Remember all that I wished for
And smile to myself 'cause
I'm not wishing anymore

no idea

You have no idea
And maybe I like it that way
I laugh to myself sometimes
These thoughts running through my brain
This is a little piece of nonsense
At night the truth comes out
I learn so much from myself
Rereading things I've written down
You say you don't like to promise
But I think that your eyes do
'Cause they promise I'm not abandoned
Every time that I see you

Too Much

Some things I can't say
I can only write
Just not in the day
I wait until the night
She said,
"Oh great, I've said too much.
"Well this is just superb.
"Every time I open up
"Is a time that I get hurt."
Too much, too much
I'm shaking my head
Too much, too much
I'm holding my thread
And I lie here in bed
Asking can I just run now?
Can I run instead?
Again, this is exhausting
Not like it'll change
I swear they'll never notice
No matter what I say
The shadow I've been is fading
I'm somebody, I think
I'm just so tired of chasing
You miss me when you blink
Too much, too much
I'm holding this weight
Too much, too much
I think I might break
It's far too much
Gotta lay it down again
Gotta trust the One
Instead of living in my head
Repeatedly I'm at the cross
Crying again for what I've lost
But crying more for what I've gained
'Cause I can't carry all this weight
But He said His arms were strong
So all my burdens, they belong
In His arms and not in mine
I hold too much and I will die
So now I'm giving You control
Of all my fears, my sorrows, my soul
You once said I was more than gold
And then you took the things I hold

Grasp.

Walking, face to the wind
You swear under your breath
Saying you'll never win
And the agony's a sin
Can you ever get it back?
The childhood that you miss?
But look around, what's going on?
We're holding the things
We should lay at the cross
And I'm screaming I'll slip and I'll fall
But where is my faith?
Have I any at all?
We study until the headaches
But what's the point if all we learn
Is how quickly we can break?
Well, we'll get through it all someday
Everything we can't find
Everything we can't say
I know you and what you can take
Want to know someone
Is there that'll stay
And I'm telling you I won't just change
No, I am here
And I won't walk away
Still, we search for air at night
Coughing, gasping
Why aren't we right?
The days drag
And at the same time, they fly
But we're doing the same thing
And our life seems to die
We found ourselves grown
Our hearts maybe broke
We never spoke
Can you keep a secret?
I stopped breathing a long time ago
And my hands held on tightly
With so much strength and good grip
And they weren't shaking
I would never even slip
But I looked and I noticed
I lifted my head
And the rope that I held there
Was only a thread
Good thing the Son
Was holding my lungs
There's a point in your life
When you know, you realize
That you cannot disguise
You can't compromise
You must make a change
So a change then I made
Doesn't mean I don't shatter,
Just means I have grace
'Cause those hands were mine
That's why I lost time
That's why I quit breathing
Why I nearly died
Now the hands are so strong
They're put into my songs
The One that made mine
Is the One that holds on

Familiar

Oh, look, we've done this before
Once, twice, a couple more
And yet I'm so clumsy here on this floor
Unable to tell the next move that's in store

Oh, look, I think we've been here
But I'm so glad, I won't let it disappear
'Cause it feels like since last time it's been fifty years
And this scene once again just might move me to tears

Bittersweet

They strummed through the night
Their fingers would move
And both of their voices
Sang different tunes

He begged for therapy
She sang of youth
Sad, and yet happy
Because they both knew

Two halves of two hearts
Hurt, but not done
Two halves of two hearts
Fit together as one

torn

If there's one thing I know
It's that I still hope
And I try to hold
What I can't control

Fragments of hearts before me
These are the things that tore me
And I will always try desperately
To fix everyone and everything

I know how they feel, I understand
And with all I have, I'll do what I can
Till I'm sure that I can no longer stand
But it seems that all is out of my hands

"...sometime."

Saying,
"Wait, wait!
"Let me explain!
"I need to tell him
"Before I fall away!"
But I think, I'm afraid,
It's already too late
And I wanted to stay
But now I'm awake

Pulled Away

But the alarm clock is merciless
And I can't tell you goodbye
Before I'm woken up

Shatter

But how did you see me
When I was hiding in the shadows?
And how could you notice
That my heart wasn't shallow?

All I did was disappear
That's all I did in every day
How did you know I was here?
I hardly got the chance to say

"Look at her, don't look at me
"I having nothing to speak of
"There is no one here to see
"There is no one to be loved."

And it was afterwards I realized
Just how much I wanted to be seen
Maybe a set of sharp eyes
Would break the distance that I keep

Through My Head

Awake
Awake again
Opened eyes
At four a.m.

Cold
It's cold again
Curl up tightly
In my bed

You
There's you again
Thoughts of you
Run through my head

Why four a.m.?
It makes no sense!
Up again, like,
"What the heck?"
Why's four the time
Of opened eyes?
In sleepless nights
Of senseless rhymes?
Why's four the time
I love and despise?
Of which I write?
Just curious, why?

Long Live

Long live the things I haven't said
For they will come out soon
And I'll explain what words cannot
In all expressed to you

No One Home

Drained
Sucked away
In a moment
Slowly fade

Keep
Energy
Don't know what's going on
With me

Something is wrong here
She's not breathing

But I'll be here
Just in case you
Decided to

My Favorite Plot Twist

I love the whispers in my mind

That tell me things will be alright

That brighter days are still in sight

Darkness dies and blue are skies

I don't want to be someone 

Who tries to be someone else

And that's one thing I've never struggled with

But I'm still somehow aggravated with myself

I guess that's okay

I wasn't born to be perfect

Still, I must say

There are things I wish I could be

Just honestly 

The night is sometimes just a covering

A black sheet over the earth

And the holes in the sheet are what we call stars

Holes that let daylight show us what we're worth

But sometimes the night is when the air is invisible

And the galaxy is more than daylight could ever be

We count the stars like we'll ever know

And look for Jupiter, maybe someday we'll see

We think, "Maybe my identity is out there,

"Or maybe someone knows it already."

Well, maybe you're right about how much I care

And maybe I am anything but steady

I want to be the strong one
Who lasts in
The long run
But the only song sung
By me is
The wrong one
All I want to be

Is the girl of whom they speak

'Cause when they talk of Emily

She just sounds like a dream

They tell of her goodness 

She's funny and kind

I heard that she's beautiful 

Both out and inside

And that she's a poet

Who's amazing and wise

But I'm afraid all of those 

Are pitiful lies

So I will strive

To someday arrive

At being the Emily 

They all describe

If I were to spend five minutes

Of giving honest answers

It just might help me out

Or it might end in disaster

I will check and check again

But I know how it will end

Still, somehow I don't stop

Even though you never did

Funny, random words sometimes spill out

Like right this second, right here and now

Maybe once in a while I'll write about

How I sit here at this desk when I'm happy or down

A storyteller once said
During all the stories she was giving
That while fairytales seem best
The best story's the one that you're living
And oh, believe me
Mine is FULL of plot twists
I wasn't expecting that,
And I never foresaw this
But while my days can be tough
Little blessing appear on my doorstep
All wrapped up in ribbon and love
Guiding me so I won't misstep
Sometimes my tears fall on answered prayers
Finally knowing I'm not alone
Finally knowing someone's there
That this story won't yet break my bones
This year ripped my heart
Through the middle and tore me apart
January through March
And April and May were hard
But gosh, I learned so much
It got so much better and lightened a bunch
Unbelievable, really, I'd say
Once I decided I needed to pray
This story scares me so
But my Author will not let me go
And this year, I'm sure, I know
Is my favorite of all that I own
Full of ups and downs
Throwing me around
Giving me so much
To be happy about
And sometimes I am Heaven-kissed
Or greeted with a hard fist
But of all the ones on that list
You are my favorite plost twist.

Abendrot

Oh, what a way
To brighten the world
Who knew that these words
Would come from this girl?

But the footsteps walk in
And such joy pours forth
Like an explosion of lights
That come from the North

That person paints with these colors
I cannot describe
I see them in all
That he is, does, and writes

The galaxy and sunset
I found in those songs
And sometimes I notice
The colors of dawn

None of the rainbow
And complex, not the same
As all of the others
I've seen in this place

And oh, what a way
To brighten the world
Who knew that these words
Would come from this girl?

Bloom.

Stand and hear
The day's so clear
Hair loosens from
Behind my ears

So close your eyes
And we will try
Sister, dear,
Our hopes won't die

Out Cold

The frosty air
Would always tear
At her tristful heart
Then no repair

You move your feet
And then repeat
Making circles
In the street

Pulls her coat
Nice and close
But the ice will only
Bite her toes

All slows down
A fateful sound
A shocking word will
Crack the town

The news was told
Just lost their gold
They tried to warn her,
But she was out cold

The Great Pursuit

And you cannot waste your time
You know, you and I
We were both born to fly
My legs are tired of chasing the sky
My mouth has run dry
And blurred are my eyes

But as the sun sets I make out the moon
So I continue
The great pursuit
This is the path I decided to choose
And I'll get there soon,
Yeah I'll be home soon

Safe

And it's dark outside
But I only see light
I'm just so happy tonight

Just Wait

Like water slipping through my hands
Like fingers letting go of sand
Like a rushing clock that will not stand
Is the time I spend in Neverland

Again.

And yet another shocking word
Like I've been punched right in the gut
Something I feel they don't deserve
Another door for them slammed shut

You moved away, so far from me
And now I've gotten the news
Now that you're far out of reach
That's when illness moves to you

Brilliant.

It's brilliant, really. This whole idea of "family." The reality that one does not have to go through this life alone. Each one of us holds in our life a group of people that the Lord above all has placed us with.
And I believe most people overlook that.
God is in control. God always was in control. He created Heaven, and he created Earth. And He created you. So, if you dare to think like this, you shouldn't forget that He created your heart. He knows exactly what you need in a group of people you will travel through life with. Do you really not believe that He put each one of them in your family for a purpose?
Now, they by no means are perfect. I can eagerly attest to that. They make their mistakes, they sometimes won't understand you, they're unfair. But God gave them to you. Friends may come and go. You can choose to leave a person's life. However, at our ages, you cannot simply forget your family. Your brothers and sisters and parents are going to be there for a long time, so why on earth would you not try to grow close to them? It breaks my heart how people are so blind. So utterly blind to the lives of their siblings-- older and younger. Do you seriously pay no attention to their struggles, and what horrible messes and trials they're going through? Honestly?
I have learned that the deepest wounds can come from a sibling ignoring you. Some of the sharpest blades cut when you try again and again to earn their respect, but to no avail. As a younger and older sibling, I know that I see the flaws of my brothers and sister. But I need to examine mine instead of theirs, and fix mine. Complaining about them is actually not going to help me. At all.
Now, this whole thing has happened to me. The whole, "I'm going to fix myself so I can be better to them," thing. And then, you know what? Sometimes they don't notice. They pay no heed. They do nothing and make no effort to grow closer to you. And gosh, how it frustrated me.
But that was me trying to do it in my own power.
And I can't! Yeah, it took me long enough to figure that one out. I just can't. So you know what you've gotta do? Pray. And that should not sound cliche. Do you think that nothing's going to happen if you pray to the God of the universe, who just so happened to create you? Really? Do you know how silly that is? If your circumstances don't change, your heart certainly will. The person in your family that hurts you the most, the person that pays the least attention-- that is the exact person you need to pray for every day. Every single day.
You know, your family says so much more than you will ever know. People you attempt sharing the gospel with may never, ever accept a church invitation. They may never join your Bible study. But the very way your family interacts can change a heart drastically. I'm not even kidding.
And here's the last thing before I end my sermon. ;)
We're teenagers, right? And the majority of you have teenage siblings. It may be a little brother or an older sister, like me, or it might be the other way around. Whatever it is. These teenage years are some of the toughest years of our lives. I think we all figured that out just a little too late. But there's something else we need to figure out. We've been given a second chance; this is something we can learn before it's too late. You need, if at all possible, to find a way to grow close to your teenage siblings. That is one of the most important things. You're both, or even all three, going through heck right now, correct? Just think of how much easier it would be if you could talk to them. If you could open up to them. You've got to learn to stick together-- it will be so much better, believe me. And I know there are friends. There are almost always friends, and they share that job. But they don't share your house. Your siblings kind of do. Kind of.
But if you can't open up to them, then at least be there for them. That is something that takes a tremendous amount of bravery. To be a shoulder to cry on for someone who doesn't understand you. Hopefully, this won't be the case. But if you try again and again to form a bond with that sibling, and it doesn't work, then you must do your best to be their support anyway.
"But what if I get even more hurt? What if it doesn't work? What then?" You know, I heard somewhere that God doesn't call us to be successful. He calls us to be faithful. Praying for and respecting our brothers and sisters is being faithful to God. If you wanna disagree with that... well, maybe you should open up your Bible again.

Lacuna

I miss you and it hurts
Don't know what could be worse
My groans turn into words
"I miss you and it hurts."

Sailboat

Above a black ocean
The infinity of night
No one treads those waters
An absence of the light

A cold, distant rumbling
Of thunder and of hail
Where not a boat would venture
Mine will still set sail

Ten Wishes

When you don't see the shooting star

While you still have ten wishes

When the water only warms up

After you've washed all the dishes

When you miss every single hit

And hit all of your misses

Just know that I'll be there for you

I've made it my mission

(Gone)

They don't see

Anyone here

They're staring right

Between my ears

I do believe

I've disappeared

Sleepless

I kept waking up last night
Like I was fighting half a fight
And when I saw that morning light
I knew that I lost that time

But I guess that that's okay
Because I'll win the fight today
Please just tell me that I'll stay
I don't wanna fall away

Monday

The pain's in my head
And I'm short of breath
I think my disorder
Has come back again

This room is too hot
I asked them, they're not
Can you please tell me
What's going on?

Floor It

The things I pen
Those endless ends
Now I will cease
To make your sense
I'll walk alone
Alone, alone
But I'm still fine
They all should know
And I will stand
So take my hand
My hopes will number
Grains of sand
I hear footsteps
In the night
And it takes too long
To know they're mine
There is no one in the room
That I see through the mirror
No one, this I knew
The million things not clearer
If a girl I could see
She would have insisted
"Don't try to fix me,
"I'm non-existent."
I learned this new phrase
One I'll surely use
'Cause I need to get away
Sometimes I can't choose
I walked alone before it
Think I tried to ignore it
My heart, I probably tore it
So get in the car and floor it
Wanted to run
Pretend it wasn't there
Escape to the sun
Pretend I didn't care
But that was for a long time ago
I don't live there anymore
Thank goodness I'm not alone
Though one set of footsteps hits the floor
I just have to try
Try to remember
Those people don't lie
Things have gotten better
And I can't understand that place
Not at all, not one bit
Because it really hurt me sometimes
 But I'm so attached to it
It kinda feels like home
Though I felt so judged
I always walked alone
But still I held no grudge
That pier gives me this ache
Because I grew up there, you see
So at home and out of place
And it was torn away from me
It pains me going back
I'm begging to know why
The slowest heart attack
But still, I never died
Well, my head now hurts
And I wanna close my eyes
I should stop messing with words
And sleep while I can tonight
Off to dream, I swore it
The more left out, the more fit
And dream-land will record it
So get in the car and floor it



(Wrote this last night. Late, in case you couldn't tell. xD)

Cherry Trees

As the sun set, the giant cherry trees
Blossomed in perfection
A photographic memory
In the lake was a reflection

I could hardly take all of it in
The best part, you next to me
An adventure last night we'd begin
But it was only just a dream

I'll probably visit some place tonight
It doesn't really matter where
And I remain till morning light
As long as you are there

Battle Cry

I am the daughter of the King
I'm a warrior on His side
Serving He who made all things
Is an honor few recognize

He's armed me with a sword and shield
And I know He's got my back
So we march onto that battlefield
Face the enemy's attack

This is my only battle cry
I'll follow You to the end
Because for me, You came and died
But You've risen again

Half a Duet

Home alone
I dance through the house
An invisible partner
Spins me around
And I sing a part
Half a duet
But there's only silence
During the rest
I can't help but wonder
Are you singing at home?
Or am I just silly
For singing alone?

Determination Appreciated

Don't know what's going on
It seems like yesterday
I was ready, going strong
Now my motivation's drained
But, as I'm thinking
I'm realizing the strive
I was never strong, just sinking
My goal was to survive

Tune

You are a song
You are stuck in my head
Singing along
But your voice is the best

Now you are gone
Not with me, I regret
And now I am wearing
My fob watch again

Got a List!

"What's wrong with you?"
Well, a few things
I know what to do
That's the problem, it seems
School used that glue
Now I'm stuck in routine
And that's just item two
Of what's wrong with me

Always.

'Cause you're looking in the mirror
And you tell me you don't know him
But I do
I'm telling you
And I need a chance to show him
We both have views
Of your heart
And I've had clues
From the start
Still, you told me you're fine
The exact reason why
Why I won't trust your view
I'll trust mine
'Cause I now see the truth
And it's so hurting you
No, you're far from alright
Say you've got to pull through
And my view is the proof
All the proof that I use
All the proof that I knew
You've been going through it too
And I knew you weren't fine
What could I say?
I'm losing time!
It's like that nightmare came to life
So I will say
What I said that night
"Don't lose hope,"
I will beg
"Don't lost hope for the the light!
"I still know you despite
"The fact that you don't.
"He's still somewhere inside
"Don't lose sight,
"'Cause I won't."
Reaching still, I'm desperate
To find you in this hectic
Silence you have not said
I know it's more
Than an empty page
I know it's a war
That you're forced to now wage
And it's my turn, I'm all ears
I will always be here
I will fight off your fears
I will dry all your tears
You will not disappear
On my watch, it is clear
And you might feel
Like you aren't heard
But I'm still telling you
Just go to the Word
And get on your knees
You know I'm on mine
Saying, "Please, please, please,
"God please provide!"
'Cause you're under attack
From the peace that you lack
And I won't turn my back
And I won't run and hide

Bk,x K

I'll be reaching out to you
Farther and farther
Until I grasp the truth

(Always.)

What is Right

The one thing I want to say
I could walk down the sidewalk
To worlds far away
And never find someone the same
Seven billion people
And none of them came
Even close
There's this rope
That I tied to a shooting star
Saying, "I wanna go home!
"Take me to where you are."
But you'll always appear very far
And speaking of those
I'm holding my hope
Got tons inside this heart
Though it is hard
I'll tell you I'm not letting go
By the way, my love for what you've all penned
I must say will never depend
On whether or not I recommend
It or copy and paste and then send
Singing, "Thank you for being there,
"Dear God, 'cause it had me running scared."
But my point for tonight
Is get up and fight
You battle the night
And keep what is right

I feel as though we just need to talk.
Just for a while, a very long while,
And we could spill out all our thoughts.

Wendy-Bird

Good morning and goodnight
I love this pretty light
And now that I have the time
All this nonsense I shall write
It's really, really fun
You can write about anyone
I think I'll write about the evening sun
Oh, it's beautiful at dusk
It's time to reflect
What shall happen next?
I love the little song
That you hear from a music box
Mechanical pieces clicking each other
Creating a sound without a flaw
And oh!
I never answered your questions
And so
Here's my answer I'll mention
Yes, why, yes I do
All of those and a billion others too
I even daresay I recall more than you
And I'll say it with a smirk,
'Cause I know that it's true
I was actually laughing as I read them
But I also wanted to cry
All the moments that we had then
And the ones that will come with time
Well, there's also something I have to say to Baylie
Yes you
Do you know you're amazing?
'Cause I'd walk awfully far
To tell you that you are
Don't listen to the people that say
You're not set apart
Because, really,
They're wrong.
And here's to my sister
If she reads this someday
Because everyone loves her
In a thousand different ways
And I do most of all
The pictures hanging on the wall
Are seconds of time frozen in place
But now those seconds seem so small
And they are so weird to look at
For me to say, "I remember taking that"
Like fragments of my life
That I will never get back
Every day
So very strange
So very strange indeed
And oh, hey
Speaking of strange
My friends still talk to me
I don't get it
Never will
But despite that
I love it still
Oh, that day was amazing
Like standing underneath confetti
Singing along like,
"I know this song!"
And watching Josh Dun get so sweaty
Screaming youth
Singing truth
And rapping things
Adults once knew
The things they've felt 
Would make you melt
Grown ups are grown up kids
They weren't born already excelled
If that's what you call it
I personally stall it
"Come and catch me if you can,
"Time!
"Yeah, trust me, I know Peter Pan,
"Time!"
As if I can escape it
Pretend I can delay it
But I've learned even Peter's afraid
He just doesn't like to say it
But there's one good thing
I can say off the top of my head
One good thing about growing up
But I think I'll just leave it unsaid
Yeah, I'll just leave it unread
I love you guys, you know it
I get online, muttering, "priorities!"
Then all like "OH MY GOSH YOU POSTED."
'Cause I also love reading all your things
My feet land on every other step
When I run upstairs
Because it's far to slow to walk
Man, I really just don't care
My blinds are open if I turned
If I were up there
If I ran every other step
If I were upstairs
If I did it
Didn't quit it
Should've said it
When I met them
And all the guns are aimed at me
They are firing with words
Behind the trigger I think I can see
I'm the one shooting Wendy-bird
Will she fall from the sky?
Will I fall when I cry?
With every sigh
I hate goodbyes
The stains on that pillow
Are proof I don't lie
This was never about me
So don't ever doubt me
When I'm speaking through these rhymes
But gosh, you just found me
When those guns surround me
But the water that hates me
Will still fail to drown me
Yeah, those liars that hate me
Still fail to uncrown me

And it would seem
That the people I don't know
Are only growing stranger
And the bodyguards I have
Are the ones causing the danger
The one time you give me the key
To unlocking your new code
Is the time I can't figure it out
Unlike the rest when you didn't know
I'm remembering you tonight
Because you really help me fight
You don't even have to try
You just help me every time

Goodbye

I still see her sometimes
Hands in her pockets
Tears in her eyes
A war she's not willing to fight
It wouldn't be fair
Wouldn't be wise

She's gotta face it
She cannot chase it
If it's not meant to be
Her energy's wasted
So she will fake it
'Cause she can't change it
Her heart is so strong
But now she might break it

She walks, her feet on the grass
They land on the ground
I land in the past
She's hoping that this doesn't last
But it's fading fast
This hope that she has

She's gotta face it
She cannot chase it
If it's not meant to be
Her energy's wasted
So she will fake it
'Cause she can't change it
Her heart is so strong
But now she might break it

The clouds in the sky never move
They hang above her
A sorrowful gloom
With the rain, she will storm in her room
She screams at her heart,
"Why do you get to choose?"

She's gotta face it
She cannot chase it
If it's not meant to be
Her energy's wasted
So she will fake it
'Cause she can't change it
Her heart is so strong
But now she might break it


Afraid to hope
Tries to let go
Won't admit it to herself,
Much less another soul
They will not know
It will not show
The perks of a stubborn mind
You end up on your own


And that's what she thought.


I still see her sometimes
Hands in her pockets
Tears in her eyes
But I turn and I wave her goodbye
She no longer exists,
That past self of mine




(10/18/14)

Clarity

She spends her time dreaming
When reality's not quite enough
Stares out the window, wishing
'Cause life can get so tough
She's learned so many things
With the bad will always come good
To jump up and spread her wings
When no one knew she could

He's the firstborn male at home
And he's searching for a gem
Voices tell him he's alone
He's ignoring them
No one seems to notice
The things he's dealing with
Not as many as our troubles
But that doesn't mean they don't exist

'Cause we're all singing a part
Of the exact same melody
And each of us is a star
In a vibrant galaxy

Another girl is waiting
And it's slowly killing her
But she's so strong for saving
What will be best, she is sure
She thinks she fails a lot
But she's wrong; she's doing fine
'Cause she's relying on her God
For the things that will take time

A boy looks to the sky
Trying not to be afraid
Around is neck, Joshua 1:9
And he stands up tall and brave
But the struggles are within
And the future's just too close
Sometimes the fights under your skin
Are the ones that hurt the most

Yeah, we're all singing a part
Of the exact same melody
And each of us is a star
In a vibrant galaxy




And so here I am again
So repetitive, I write
Words from my fingers through my pen
But I write for them this time

There's something you need to know
So listen, here we go

We walk on our own
Hoping we're not alone
And the evidence supports our hopes
It will only ever grow
Not a fall that we take
Not a single mistake
Is a separate move
That has never been made
We're reaching for someone
Who understands
And if you read the words of others
You'll find an outstretched hand

'Cause we're all singing a part
Of the exact same melody
And each of us is a star
In a vibrant galaxy

We're all screaming a part
Of the exact same agony
And again we'll fall apart
But God is our clarity

Stuck- - Stuck... Stuck.

Nobody

Nobody

Nobody knows

It never

It never

It never shows

You always

You always

Move at this beat

Here you are

Here you are

Stuck on repeat



(10/16/14)

The Witty Idiot

Would you turn your back
If you knew it was an act?
That the confidence I lack
Is displayed when I talk smack?

I'll give up and I will sit
Make a cover with my wit
But the "party that I've lit"
Really isn't quite my fit

All those funny things I say
"I'm the best" ain't true, by the way
Making jokes of how I'm great
You can't trust me any day



(10/16/14)

Recollection

All these funny things I recall
Little memories, I think of them all
It may not make sense to anyone else
But it's what comes with a while to myself

Like when you said you remembered
The post from the twenty-third of September
Just a little passing comment about poems
How I wrote it one day, and then later I would post

And you remembered it
I think I stared at you for a bit
Like, "He can't be serious at all,"
Yeah, it's funny the things I recall

Reflection

I don't know
Maybe you remember it
It was perhaps
Two weeks before we left

The reflection through the glass
Mirror on the wall
Eye-contact is so strange
And powerful, most of all

The morning after that
I sat in the same seat
The room empty, I looked at the mirror
But you weren't to be seen

Non-Stop

There is
No
Such
Thing
As keeping everything under control
You control yourself alone
And all else is out of your hands
Which actually relieves me
Because I can stop striving
To make everything alright
All
The
Time

Flashback

It came
The slowest heart attack
But then it left
It'll never come back

Confusing Lines

Breathing
Keep on breathing
If I gasp
Is that called cheating?
"You're alive, your heart is beating.
"Your textbook's there, so keep on reading."
One day I'll talk back to myself
I'll pick her up by the hair,
Throw her on the shelf
I'll snap back at her, I will tell
Her she can leave, she never helps
I'll maybe kick her out the door
But oh, silly me
I've done all that before
I guess I'll just do it some more
She sometimes loves me,
But she's not one I adore
My pen keeps on moving
'Cause I need a break
I always turn to writing
When my collected-ness is at stake
But I probably didn't need to tell you that
You probably saw this post and said,
"Look whose anxiety's back!"
Probably
Possibly
And I'm sorry
You probably get the worst of it
As you know
I just explode
And no one else has heard of it
All my stress pours into these rhymes
But nearly no one hears a thing otherwise
And that is why
This angst of mine
Is written in
Confusing lines
Yes, that is why
This angst of mine
Is on this page,
 This page will die
I pity my pens
Running over paper
Over and over again
They'll all run out in the end
And I'll say "I'm sorry,
"But I cannot pretend."
I get in that car
Ride somewhere not far
And the music won't help me
If someone else is in charge
Stare at my feet
Ignoring the beat
I'll melt through the seat
And land in the street
The car rolls away
No one noticed today
Except for the One who still
Hears when I pray
And oh, do I pray!
Day after day
And sometimes I feel He won't
Hear what I say
But these things take faith
So faith I will take
I'll take it in leaps
'Cause I refuse to break
Again I will pray
"Show me Your way.
"Cause mine's just not working,
"And I want to be brave."
So I'm opening up His Word
I'm letting in the light
And I can't say I'm not heard
For this is what I find:
"You know what I long for, Lord.
"You hear my every sigh.
"My heart beats wildly, my strength fails.
"And I am going blind."
And oh my gosh,
How right.
He's listened every night
When I crawl into bed,
Under my covers and stress,
And I talk to the ceiling and cry
And He sees me with both eyes
Can't thank Him enough
That unfailing love
That I always need to re-find
I talk about my problems
But there are solutions, too
And I write when I can't see them
But they're still there, it's true
It's late again now
In my mind, I'll get out
I'm hearing your laugh
And my sorrows all drown
I recall clearly that pattern
The one that you picked
When all my fears shattered
I listened to it before and after
But the times in between were
The ones that really mattered
'Cause man,
You've got it mastered
And I'm gonna need Therapy
For these memories scattered
Sometimes I don't know,
But sometimes I do
And tonight I know I'd much rather
Be talking to you
But you are probably asleep
Hopefully
And my little brother's not so little,
Dude he's actually a teen
Ethan, I told you don't get older
Now do you see what I mean?
But on the contrary,
I'm discovering
Not all of it's bad,
Well, not at this age you see
But for you there are great things in store
And they are everywhere
But you don't have to go shopping
(See what I did there?)
And God has plans for you
Even though things will get tough
Bro, I will be here too
And you will have enough
I think I should close my eyes
I'm so tired, I'll sleep tonight
Sleep before it's light
So on that note, goodbye


Or maybe not
Maybe I'll keep writing
And never get caught
Hey, time for trivia!
Did you know when "like" is added before a word
It gives it more power than when it was originally heard?
It like, completely and totally works
That's just this new thing I learned
So whatever, taught a lesson
Brownie points earned
Saying "like"
Also makes you sound white
Sometimes
I love how this post went from dramatic
To random and climactic
But that's sometimes how my mind works
At one in the morning...

Don't Worry

Everything is going to be fine.
Better yet, it's going to be great.

Awake

Why are you awake, my dear?
Is it because of joy or fear?
We miss the days, I know it's clear
And I'm still wishing you were near

I guess things sometimes have to go
Like the walk we took, or the dance so slow
But the memories will always glow
And new ones come, we both should know

So why are you awake, my dear?
Is it because of joy or fear?
I really shouldn't find it queer
It's the same reason I'm here